Silenced

by Alicia Renee Kline

  Though my eyes didn’t yet seem to be with the program, my mouth was a bit further ahead in the recovery process. My lips parted with difficulty, but it was something. I swallowed, taken partially aback by the pain that rushed down my throat as I did so.

  At some point, I’d been intubated. I seriously hoped that Chris hadn’t been around to see that.

  I tried to call out for him, but my attempt didn’t sound like much. A strangled moan at best, but the most important thing was that he heard it. Both of my hands were squeezed. I wanted to return the favor, but my focus wasn’t on my motor functions. It was on getting my message across.

  “Chris,” I rasped finally.

  Only one squeeze this time, strangely enough on the second hand to have been picked up. I wondered why.

  “Chris,” I managed. “No. More. Kids.”

  Laughter, mixed with something that sounded like relieved sobbing, erupted all around me.

  It was enough to convince my eyes to pry open. Contact free and cloudy with the remnants of my ordeal, my vision wasn’t the best. In fact, it was blurry as hell. I blinked, trying to aid my sight as much as possible.

  And I found myself staring up into the most beautiful pair of eyes I’d ever seen.

  They were blue.

  Not brown.

  My own eyes slammed shut as I processed that.

  “Time to wake up, sunshine,” Matthew urged.

  Afraid that I was dreaming, I almost didn’t want to. I liked what this meant. That he had come on his own accord. That he had been holding me, comforting me for who knew how long. That maybe he wasn’t as mad with me as he should have been.

  “I suppose I’ll forgive you for asking for your husband instead of me when you came to,” he tried again.

  I did my best impression of a laugh, then obeyed his command. But instead of meeting his gaze again, I turned my attention to the other side of my bed, where Chris stood. By sheer force of will, I tightened my grip on my husband’s hand. Much as I expected, he looked about as good as I felt: bloodshot eyes, a good dose of five o’clock shadow.

  “I love you,” I whispered.

  “Love you, too,” he choked out. “I’m so proud of you.”

  “Whatever. I’m not very good at this whole childbirth thing. Let’s not do it again.”

  He smiled through tears, then agreed readily. “Never again.”

  I rolled my head back over in Matthew’s direction. He’d withdrawn his hand from mine as I addressed Chris, pulling away from me just slightly, as though he was afraid he had overstepped his boundaries. I lifted my hand from the bed, running my fingers against the stubble lining his jaw.

  “You’re here,” I said simply.

  So that was why Chris relinquished his hold on me, excusing himself to go tell the rest of our party that I was awake. But not without reverting back to medical professional mode and reminding me and my brother both that I probably shouldn’t try to talk too much.

  Because I wouldn’t have needed to ask him to do what I wanted. He already knew, and had planned the scene to perfection, even if he hadn’t intended to.

  Matthew waited until we were alone before he spoke again.

  “Did you really think I’d be anywhere else?”

  I responded with a sob instead of words, emotions tearing through my body and providing him with my honest answer.

  “Please don’t cry,” he pleaded.

  His hand stroked my hair as the tears streamed down my face, sliding down onto my pillowcase. Once they started, there wasn’t much that could be done to stop them, so we rode them out.

  “I’m so sorry,” I told him when I was able.

  “I’m sorry, too.”

  “For what?”

  “We both said some things that were horrible. And we both did some things that in retrospect weren’t the best course of action to take, given the situation.”

  “Why do you have to be so smart?”

  “I’m not. If I was, we wouldn’t have spent the last year avoiding each other.”

  “I didn’t mean for it to go on so long. I thought about calling so many times, but there was always a reason not to. I talked myself into waiting until after the baby was born, because when I initially got pregnant, that seemed like it was really far away. And then it almost didn’t happen at all.”

  Matthew’s hand stilled in my hair as he digested the meaning of what I’d said. He chose to ignore it, deftly changing the subject.

  “I thought Chris just told you not to talk so much,” he reminded.

  “You should know by now that I never listen.”

  He smiled, then continued to run his fingers through my hair.

  “When did you get here?” I asked.

  “When you were still in surgery. Gracie called Lauren, and the rest is history. So we all sat together with Chris and waited for news on how you were.”

  “I made her my person. I’m glad she came through.”

  “She never left Chris’s side. And she made the decision that I needed to be here, not Chris.”

  “She was right.”

  “After you came out of recovery, they only wanted immediate family to visit. I guess they saw your fan club out in the waiting room and got afraid that everyone would want to rush back to see you. Obviously, nothing was stopping Chris from being with you and he hightailed it in here. But I stayed behind with everyone else, even though I was technically the only other person that could have seen you. I wasn’t sure if you’d want me back here, or if you knowing I was here would overwhelm you. Actually, I asked Chris not to mention my presence once you did wake up.”

  Embarrassed, I closed my eyes and turned my head away from him. He was one step ahead of me, wiping the hot tears off of my cheeks.

  “Chris came back out to give the rest of us an update when one of the nurses came in to check on you. He was concerned that there hadn’t been a change in your condition, and he practically begged me to go back with him and try to help out.”

  I raised my eyebrow at him in a silent question.

  “He asked me to bring you back to him. And I don’t think I had anything to do with it, but almost as soon as I sat down and held your hand, you began to stabilize.”

  “I needed you here,” I whispered, “and on some level, I probably knew you had arrived.”

  “So now, you just need to focus on getting better so you can take care of my nephew. And my best friend. We can figure out everything else later.”

  “So what’s going on with all of that anyway?”

  “Well, our mother is pretty great with Sadie. And she’s not bad with Lauren and me, either. I think she’s kind of miffed at me that I haven’t been able to convince you to reconcile with her yet, but she tries to hide it well. And our dad is making an effort too. Sadie’s a pretty convincing peacemaker, but you already know that.”

  I nodded, stifling a yawn. It was amazing that I could still be tired, considering that I’d slept who knew how long already, but there I was, wishing I could close my eyes and drift back into slumber.

  “It’s okay. You need your rest.”

  “I’m sorry I’m not good company.”

  “I’ll give you a pass for now.”

  I smiled, then reached for his hand. “Please stay?”

  He nodded, interlocking his fingers with mine and settling back in his chair for the long haul. Content that he would keep his word, I let my eyes close and was asleep before Chris came back in the room.

  The next time I opened my eyes, Chris had joined me in bed, carefully coiled around me so that he didn’t jostle any of the monitoring equipment. Judging from his deep, even breathing, he had fallen asleep some time ago, likely for the first time since we’d arrived at the hospital. Matthew still had hold of my hand, but was also passed out.

  For the first time in several months, I finally felt at peace, nestled between the two men in my life who meant everything to me. And I was able to sleep soundly for the first time in just as long.
>
  Everything was almost perfect, and I would make good on the rest as soon as I could.

  The next afternoon, my condition had improved enough that the medical equipment had been removed and with some assistance and a chair, I was able to take a shower. Once I had changed into the pajamas I had brought for myself, ditching the hospital gown hopefully forever, my fan club arrived, perching on every available space in my private room to dote on me.

  But the most important visitor came fresh from the nursery. Actually seeing Dylan for the very first time, instead of the stolen glimpse I’d gotten after he’d been delivered, was absolutely surreal. To hold my own child in the crook of my arm, to stare down into his little infant face, was an experience I’d never forget.

  I’d just about walked through fire and brimstone to get to him, and it was all worth it. Every single part of it. And now that I’d reached my final goal, I realized that this moment was one that I was now ready for.

  All the doubts, all the worries that I’d had about not being good enough to deserve him melted away in a split second. The struggles of the past were just that: trials and tribulations that I had to go through in order to appreciate what life had ended up giving me.

  So I enjoyed the steady stream of chatter that filled my hospital room as friends and family surrounded me on all sides. Lauren and I took turns holding Dylan, though she let me dominate the cuddle time, knowing that I’d missed out on so much of his short life already. Gracie was content to lean back against Will and observe, offering up a snide remark here or there.

  Just like that, things were back to normal. And I knew that’s how it would remain. Our little group would always adjust to change, always overcome obstacles, and always persevere.

  One by one, they said their goodbyes, trickling out of the room and leaving me for their own lives, which didn’t revolve around hospitals and babies. Just as Matthew was about to trail Lauren out of the room, I called him back. He froze in mid-stride, glancing at Lauren and exchanging a nod with her. She slipped out of the room, the door swinging shut behind her.

  “What’s wrong?” my brother asked.

  I held up my hand to stop that train of thought, not wanting to alarm either him or Chris.

  “Nothing. I just think it’s time.”

  A loaded statement that caused both of them to tense up because they knew what I meant, even though I hadn’t voiced it.

  “You don’t have to do anything right now,” Chris began. “You’ve been through a lot these past couple of days. Childbirth, blood loss, major surgery. No one would blame you if you waited until you were back on your feet. Everyone would understand.”

  “No, that’s exactly why I need to do it right now. I’m ready.”

  Matthew didn’t protest. Knowing his role, he walked to the table beside my bed, lifting the phone and placing it on my mattress. We both stared at it for a moment.

  “Are you sure?” he verified.

  I swallowed down the lump in my throat and nodded. Matthew sat down on the bed next to me, patting my leg in support. I positioned Dylan against my chest and breathed in his newborn scent, kissing the top of his head reverently. Chris moved over to the head of the bed, sitting on my other side and wrapping his arm around my shoulder.

  My mind was made up and no amount of argument would begin to change it.

  With a glance between the two best friends, Chris nodded and Matthew lifted the phone to his ear. He punched in the number from memory, though I could have recited it right along with him.

  No one moved as we waited. I could faintly hear the phone ringing on the other end of the line. I held my breath and Chris squeezed me tighter into him. Watch me work up the nerve to do this and then have no one be home.

  But there was an answer, and Matthew sprang into action, not letting on that a monumental event was about to take place.

  “Hey, it’s me,” he said casually, turning away from me. “I have someone here that wants to talk to you.”

  Without further preamble, he handed the receiver to me. It hung in the air between us, waiting for me to take it. I stared at it, my heart kicking into overdrive. I closed my eyes, praying for the strength that I needed to do this. Matthew waited patiently, not giving anything away. The way he had announced it, it might have been Sadie ready to jump on the line, and everyone knew how unpredictable children were.

  Almost as unpredictable as grown women trying to make things right.

  With a reassuring smile, Matthew and I met each other’s eyes. So much was said with just a look, like we had always been able to do.

  You can do this.

  I nodded, taking the phone from his grip with a shaky hand. As if someone else was controlling my movements, the phone found its way to my ear. I pulled in a deep breath and found the nerve I needed to begin changing my life.

  It all started with one simple word.

  “Mom?”

  Epilogue

  Lauren

  Several months later…

  In Indiana, a marriage license is good for sixty days. And even though Gracie and Will denied to everyone that noticed the giant rock on her finger that the two of them were engaged, a marriage license with their names on it somehow turned up.

  It was stuck in a drawer in her house, which Will still hadn’t admitted to anyone that he lived in full time, sort of like a reminder of something that you really didn’t want to remember. At some point, it got moved to the kitchen counter and noticed by Emma, but only after she spilled coffee on it.

  Emma, now of legal age, knew both of them well enough to take matters into her own hands. She dried off the document, not saying a single word about it, then went home and ordained herself as a minister through one of those internet churches.

  On day fifty-nine, she showed up on their porch, credentials in hand, with the elderly couple from next door on her heels as witnesses.

  Gracie and Will were married in her kitchen as a meatloaf cooked in the oven. The bride wore sweats and bare feet. Will wore his police uniform, as he’d just gotten home from work.

  Then they told no one else. For weeks.

  I finally found out when Gracie came to me in a moment of weakness to ask me to place Will’s name on the deed to the house, as she was finally ready to purchase it from me outright. When I’d joked with her about that being a huge step in their relationship, she reluctantly told me that she’d need her name changed as well.

  But there were no worries for Blake, as Gracie kept her maiden name for business purposes. And for everything else, she was legally Gracie Alexander Delaney, because she couldn’t get over the near-rhyming that would happen if she dropped the Alexander.

  They had yet to get around to buying wedding rings.

  As for the Snyder family in general, things were improving on that front. Baby Dylan was a great icebreaker, and with his presence, the focus was less on Blake’s burgeoning reconciliation with both of her parents, which took the pressure off of everyone else considerably.

  Slowly, the mini-mansion at the end of the cul-de-sac was becoming less of a museum and more of a home. If you were to visit at just the right time, you might hear the lusty cries of a baby, or the giggles of a toddler as she ran down the halls. More and more, it was the venue of choice for family gatherings, like it would be later today.

  It was my birthday, and we were set to meet up with Alan, Patricia, Blake, Chris, Dylan, Gracie and Will in just a few hours. But as per tradition, a trip to Indianapolis was in order to spend time with my mother. My dad had been invited to the Snyders’ bash, but since we’d already be down here, we’d opted to have a small get-together before heading out to the cemetery. No one felt slighted by him declining.

  “We need to go soon,” Matthew reminded me gently.

  I nodded, turning to Sadie. I decided not to focus on how strange it was that our daughter felt so at home in a graveyard. Her favorite activity here was skipping around her grandmother’s plot, and even though it was kind of a morbid thing
to feel good about, on some level it made me happy.

  My mother would have loved it, and one day Sadie would understand that that headstone had once been a person, someone I had lost a long time ago, at nearly the same age as she was now.

  “We need to get going to Grandma Fish’s house,” I cooed.

  Sadie stopped mid leap. She’d come up with the moniker herself, surprisingly accepted by both the formerly uptight Alan and Patricia Barrett Snyder. Patricia hadn’t liked being referred to as merely “Grandma”, so she’d suggested “Grandma Trish”. Who’d have thought? But alas, “Trish” ended up coming out more like “Fish” and darn it if it hadn’t stuck.

  “Okay,” she said easily. She paused at my mother’s gravestone, patting it as gently as a toddler could. “Bye bye!”

  She ran over to the two of us, her brown curls bobbing as she bounced along. I bent over to pick her up. She went eagerly into my arms.

  “Baby?” she asked me.

  “Yes,” I said as we began our way back to the Mustang. “Dylan will be there too.”

  “No, mommy.” She shook her head wildly, hair flying around her shoulders and brushing my face. She took the index finger of one tiny dimpled hand and pointed right at my forehead. “You.”

  Matthew and I both stopped dead in our tracks. Exchanging a puzzled look, I hissed at him, “Did you tell her already?”

  “I haven’t said anything to anyone.”

  “Well, I think we’re about to,” I laughed. Turning to Sadie, I confirmed her suspicions. “Yes, I’m going to have another baby soon. You’ve been taking lessons from Aunt Gracie, haven’t you?”

  “Lord help us all,” Matthew breathed. “If Gracie’s her role model, we’re in for a hell of a ride.”

  “Nah,” I said, grabbing his hand and giving it a tight squeeze, “I think we’re about to have the time of our lives.”

  The End.

  Acknowledgements