Girl in the White Dress: Sam's Story

by Nikki D. Walker

  The rest of the night was awkward. Tim hid in his room and I hid in mine. We avoided each other like the plague for the next few days. I got to talk to Danny a few times and I felt horrible the whole time. I had betrayed his trust and I did not know how to make things right. It would break his heart to know what had happened. He was protecting his country and here we were messing around behind his back. Granted, nothing had happened since that one time, but still…

  By Friday, I had enough. I sucked it up and bought a pregnancy test. When I got home, I went straight to the bathroom. That was the longest three minutes of my life. I did not want to look. Any confirmation of my stupid screw up was not what I wanted. I heard the apartment door open. I grabbed the stick, careful not to look at it and yelled, “Here, you check it. I can’t.” Unfortunately, when I rounded the corner, Tim was not alone. His mom was with him. Really? Karma was that mean?

  “Uh, hi Tina,” I said, trying to hide the test. “I didn’t know you were coming to visit.”

  “Tim didn’t tell you? I’ve missed my boys so much and they always trek up to see me that I decided to come spend a couple days with Tim.” I had sincerely started thinking that I had killed someone in a past life because not a damn thing was working for me lately.

  “Well that’s very nice of you.” I was an idiot.

  “What do you need Tim to check for you, dear?” Damn, I had hoped she had missed that.

  I hid the test behind my back. “Oh, it’s nothing. It was just a lesson plan for class.” Because I was almost holding a piece of paper.

  She did not look like she believed me but she let it go. Thank you! She stayed the night and it was probably the first time in a while that Tim and I had a pleasant conversation. I had never checked the test and when his mom had turned around, I stuffed it deep into the trash. There went $10 down the tube.

  The next day I got my period. I had never been so excited to have my monthly friend visit. When I told Tim, he looked relieved as well. But something was wrong. Something was bothering him and I could not tell what it was.

  My head was still spinning for so many reasons and the pregnancy scare made me ask myself some important questions. One was whose baby did I want it to be? I could not marry Danny. I knew that. I just did not know how to break someone’s heart like that. I should not have said yes, especially after what had happened with Tim. Especially, since I wanted more of that. I could not get it out of my head. Lost in my own thought, Tim startled me; he wanted to talk. That was never a good sign.

  “I can’t keep doing this,” he said. “I’ve tried to just let you be and work things out but I can’t anymore. I love you, Sam. I think I have for a long time and it hurts too badly to watch you every day and know you are marrying my brother. I will be a good best man and do my duty but I cannot see you every day. I am moving back to Boston. My dad’s arthritis is getting bad and my mom could use some help around the house. I am sorry. I have tried to be the bigger person but I cannot anymore. I can’t do it to myself and I can’t do it to Danny.”

  I just stood there. I could feel panic setting in. He could not leave me. I just realized I was marrying the wrong brother and he wanted to leave me. Did everyone I love have to leave me? The thought of not seeing him every day hurt. Physically hurt. “No.”

  “No?” He looked confused. I knew he was not asking my permission to leave but that was ok. I was not giving it regardless.

  “No, you’re not leaving.”

  “Sam, I can’t…” He walked over to where I was standing and grabbed me by the arms. “I can’t look at you every day and know that you love Danny.”

  I thought carefully about my next move. This was one of those defining moments in a person’s life. I looked at Tim. I could not deny how I felt about him any longer. I had loved him for so long and it had never been the right time. It still was not, but I knew I could not marry Danny. Not while I wanted his brother. My body reacted before my mind could and I leaned in and kissed him. I kissed him hard with every ounce of emotion I felt running through my veins. I hoped he could feel how much I did not want him to go. I felt his body relax and pull me closer.

  “I was hoping for this answer,” he said. He looked down at me and tenderly stroked my cheek. “I love you.”

  “I love you, too,” and I did. Part of me was torn up inside trying to figure out how to tell Danny that I did not want to marry him because I loved his brother. But fate was against me once again.

  That night I received a call from one of Danny’s superior officers.

  “Are you sure it was Danny?”

  “Yes, ma’am. Private Henry was in the vehicle. He is being taken to the hospital facilities here and as soon as he is stable, he will be flown to Mass General. We will call when we know more.”

  “Ok, thank you, sir.” I hung up the phone sobbing. Tim rushed over.

  “What happened? Is he ok?”

  I shook my head barely able to get the words out. “He’s in critical condition. He is at the hospital there and will be flown to Mass General when he is stable. They do not know how extensive his injuries are yet. He said they would call with updates.”

  “Oh my God.” Tim kept pacing the living room. “I have to call my mom. Do I call his dad? I don’t know.”

  “Call your mom. When is the last time he even talked to his mom or dad?”

  “Good point.”

  The rest of the night Tim spent making family calls. I did not know what to do with myself. We finally fell asleep around two not knowing what the morning would bring.

  Chapter 12

  * * *

  “Danny, you have to eat,” I said. It had been about six months since the accident. He had been home for a month now and was still having issues adjusting to being wheelchair bound. He had been staying with Tim’s parents since his mom was who knows where and his dad was a loser. Tim had finally contacted him against better judgment and the man wanted nothing to do with anything. Asshole.

  Tim’s parents had installed a ramp so that Danny could get in and out of the house easily. Tim had bought a handicap van so that he could take Danny out, not that he wanted to go anywhere.

  Classes had started back up again. I had opted to take online classes for the fall semester. I was postponing my student teaching. Tim took a leave of absence from teaching so he could help. I think Danny was getting sick of all the smothering.

  “I’m not hungry.”

  I sighed. “You need to eat. It will keep your strength up.”

  “For what? More sitting? More laying down? I’m so sick of this, Sam.” My once happy Danny was so angry at the world.

  “I know, baby, but you need to try. The doctor said he thinks physical therapy may help.” Truthfully, they had said probably would not but it could not hurt and he at least needed to keep his upper body strong.

  “Don’t lie to me, Sam,” he said, almost as if he could read my mind.

  I sighed again. “It can’t hurt” was all I said.

  He finally humored me and ate some grilled cheese. Not the most nutritious meal but I would take what I could get at this point.

  It was Sunday and Tim was on his way over for their weekly brother time. He came to visit every Sunday. Normally, this was the time I would stay at the apartment and study (Tim had moved closer to his parents) but today Tim’s parents had something they needed to do and I had to help Danny before Tim arrived. I was doing my best to fill the role of dutiful girlfriend, err fiancé, and pretend that I was not in love with his brother but it was difficult when Tim was around.

  I had to admit, we had snuck in a couple of kisses here and there after some alcohol but we both knew it was not going to happen now, if ever. I tried not to think about it too much. Oh, who was I kidding? It was all I could think about sometimes.

  Anyway, I wanted to talk to Tim before he saw Danny to tell him what was going on with him. I saw him pull up and went out to the porch to talk to him.

  “Hey.”

  “Hey
.” Damn he looked good. Focus, Sam. “We need to talk.”

  “I told you I won’t try to kiss you anymore,” I shushed him.

  “So not what I wanted to talk about.”

  “Oh, sorry.”

  “And I definitely wouldn’t talk about that here, you moron.” (Men, seriously.)

  “So, what’s up then?” he asked, ignoring the moron comment.

  I let him know about Danny not eating and his attitude. I wanted Tim to make him see that life was still worth living. “I don’t know what to do anymore. He does not care about anything and I do not know how to make him. He’s seeing Dr. Akerman but that doesn’t seem to be helping.” Dr. Akerman was his psychologist.

  He took me in his arms. “Shh, it’s ok. Everything will be ok.” He could not have been more wrong.

  * * *

  The following Saturday was Tim’s dad’s birthday. His mother cooked his favorite dinner, roasted chicken and potatoes. Everyone was invited over to celebrate. Who knew the happy celebration would turn out so horribly. Oh, it started out nice enough, but then his dad wanted to play Scrabble, my new least favorite game of all time.

  Tim’s parents played a few games and then decided to go upstairs to bed. We were, and I stress were, having a good time and played a few more games. Bad idea.

  At first, it started out innocently enough but when Danny started spelling out words like liar, cheater, love, pain… Tim and I shot a sideways glance at each other. Danny caught it. “Something wrong?” he asked. There was a strange look in his eye.

  He could not know could he? No one knew. “Nothing, why?” I managed to get out. My heart was racing and not in a good way. I could tell Tim was trying to look composed.

  “Oh I don’t know. You both looked a little uncomfortable with my word choices.”

  I was at a loss for words. Unfortunately, Danny was not. “I saw you,” he said.

  Saw me? Ok, now I was confused. “Saw me where?”

  “Last week, Sam. I saw you and Tim on the porch.” I stupidly relaxed for a moment.

  “Yeah, we were talking about you, silly. I was telling him about you not eating.” This was the truth. I scanned my brain for anything bad but I came empty. Tim just stood there silent. Big help he was.

  He turned to Tim. “You were holding her, caressing her. I saw it.” What started as anger on his face looked more and more like hurt. Crap.

  Finally, Tim spoke up. “No, what you saw was me trying to comfort her. She was upset about you.”

  “That may be true, Tim, but it made me think back. And there are so many times that should have clued me in.” He turned to me. “And your hesitation to my proposal… I thought it was because I was leaving and you were scared, but that wasn’t it was it?” He put his hand up to stop my response. “And Tim, your reaction to our engagement… priceless. You couldn’t have looked less excited.”

  Neither of us said a word. What could we say? He was right. “Danny…” I started to say.

  “No, I saw for myself how you two look at each other. I know you care about each other at the very least. And I can’t marry someone who doesn’t love me.”

  “But I do love you!” I exclaimed. I did love him but… We were caught.

  “Maybe, but I don’t think you’re in love with my anymore and that’s not fair to either of us. I deserve more than that.” He looked so hurt.

  “I’m sorry, Danny.” It was pathetic, but I was.

  He looked at both of us. “Can you just tell me one thing?”

  “Anything,” he deserved that much at least, right?

  “Did anything happen between you two? Did you sleep together?”

  Without hesitation, Tim and I both said no. It was at that moment that I knew I would love Tim forever, but that I also needed to get away. I knew we both did not want to hurt Danny anymore and him knowing we had made love would not make anything better.

  Chapter 13

  * * *

  Since my classes were on line this semester, I decided I was going home. I missed my family and I needed them now. My mom knew about Tim and Danny and I needed her. My heart was breaking and I did not know how to fix it. Trinity was upset I was leaving but she understood. Tim said his parents were confused (Danny had not told them the whole story) and Tim understood. He said he loved me and he knew right now was not our time. Danny was hurt and angry but Tim was his brother and they would work it out, just not with me in the picture. Tim and I decided it would be best not to talk for a little while, until everything was ok with him and Danny. I secretly hoped it would be resolved quickly because I already missed him.

  When I got home, my mom ran over to me as if she had not seen me in years. Technically, she had not seen me much in the last few years since I only came home for holidays.

  “Sam, I’ve missed you so much!”

  “Me, too, mom. Me, too.” I definitely needed my mom right now. She gave me a big hug and I started crying right there in the driveway.

  “Oh, sweetie, come on. I will put on some coffee and we can talk. Your dad said he would be by tonight after work.” I hoped that I could pull myself together by then.

  My mom was great and it really made me realize how much I missed having her around while I was at school. My dad showed up at the house around six and I noticed that he made himself at home like he used to. Hmm…

  “Um, is there something you two maybe want to share?” I asked.

  They shared a glance. “Well, your dad and I are sort of dating… each other.”

  What the hell? “I’m sorry; I don’t think I heard you correctly.”

  “Sweetie, your mom and I are trying to figure this out and we didn’t want to tell you until we did.”

  “Ok, well, when you come in the house and make yourself at home, it’s kind of obvious something is up,” I said. “Since you haven’t really been allowed in the house in a couple of years.” My mom did not want anything to do with him or so I thought. Not that my dad was a bad person, they had just grown apart, I suppose.

  “Are you mad?” she asked.

  I laughed. “Not mad, just very confused.”

  “Ok, well confused we can work with.” My dad then explained that he and mom had volunteered for the same project at the youth center and ended up reconnecting in a way they had long forgotten. My dad fell in love with my mom all over again and he was still trying to convince my mom she felt the same way, but I could tell by the look on her face that she did. She had never looked at my dad that way before; at least I did not remember her doing it anyway. I guess it was kind of sweet. Weird, but sweet.

  I enrolled at Temple University for the spring semester. I was accepted there initially but I did not want to be that close to home at the time. Who knew I would end up back there? I also got a job at the video store to get some cash. I tried to get a student teaching job at my old elementary school but unfortunately, the principle said it was too late and the classes were taken. Just my luck.

  I was on my way to work and stopped for coffee and a muffin. Predictable, I know. I was staring at the menu when I heard a familiar voice. “Yeah, dude, I just moved back. Cali was great. Missed home though. Yeah, give me a call, we’ll hang out.” I turned around and could not believe it. Jason was back and he looked awesome. He apparently saw me staring and came on over.

  “Hi, Sam,” he actually looked a little nervous.

  “Hey, Jason, you look great.” I could not believe it. He was all tan and muscular. He was definitely not the same scrawny jock from high school.

  “Thanks. You don’t look so bad yourself.” I blushed.

  “So, what are you doing back in town?”

  “Actually, I’m moving back. I’m staying with my parents until I can find a place of my own.”

  “That’s cool.” Get a grip, Sam. Stop staring.

  “What about you? What have you been up to?”

  “Me? Not much. Just working.” I glanced at my watch. “Crap, I have to run. I’m going to be late for work.�
��

  “Can I call you?”

  I thought about it for a second. Why not? “Sure, here’s my number.” I wrote it down on the napkin and gave it to him.

  “It was nice seeing you, Sam.”

  “You, too, Jay.” I grabbed my breakfast and headed out to work. He probably would not call. I did not really want him to call. Who was I kidding? I would always have some feelings for that boy. He was my first love. That was not something that just went away, no matter how much of an ass he was. Ugh. I was not interested in him romantically though. I just needed space. Between Matt, Danny, and Tim… my heart had taken all the pain it could in the past couple of years.

  By the time I got to work, I was annoyed with myself for actually caring if Jay called me or not. I stood by my thirteen-year-old cousin’s opinion; boys were stupid. I still could not believe he was back from California. I could not wait to call Rachel. And yes, I am aware we have not seen much of each other the past couple of years, but she would always be my BFF and Trinity was not around for the Jason era. Rachel would never believe he was back. Actually, she would. Out of everyone, she was the one who said he would not make it out there. He and I did have that online conversation that he wanted to come home, but that was so long ago, he obviously made it a few more years alone out there. Besides, he was a handsome guy; he must have had girls all over him. Whatever, Sam, I needed to focus on work. These people needed their videos and who was I to deny them?

  Well, work passed quickly and I noticed when I got to my car that I had a text message. Argh, everyone knew I hated texts. I had yet to add an unlimited text message to my phone and I hated paying ten cents a text. I flicked my phone open to see who I was going to yell at and it was Jay. Wow, that was fast.