by T. Styles
She was about to bend down and suck on me again until I slammed my fist into the side of her face. She was caught off guard and held onto her eye while I pushed her off of me and was able to get out of the door.
I was half way down the block, and outside of the hotel before I looked back to see if she was chasing me. I decided that I was done with drinking.
Well…for now anyway.
CHAPTER 11
MAD
It’s Tell All Tuesday in The Catacombs. We are standing around The Pit and the fire was going high. Although we normally don’t talk about our past lives outside of the tunnel this was the one time a person could speak about their past if they chose. The rule was that anything shared could not be brought up later. Truthfully I was willing to talk about anything accept the cut on my neck everybody kept asking me about. I had nightmares for days behind that crazy bitch.
As I listened to Speedstar talk about her life, I could see the pain on her face. We know she fucked Wicked but after they had sex he dissed her whenever she tried to come around him. She would cry all hours of the night and I would have to tell Gage to turn the music on just so I could get some sleep. Wicked didn’t care about what she felt, or how he treated her. And he told her several times to her face, in public. The only reason he had sex with her was to get back at Gage, but I don’t think it ever worked. Gage was done and she spent most of her time trying to convince me that she could do me right, when all I wanted to do was be left alone.
Even though I thought what Speedstar did to Gage was wrong I felt connected to Speedstar’s story about her mother. Up until this point I never thought it was possible that anyone had a mother worse than mine. I guess I was wrong.
“…My mother would come home early from work sometimes,” she said as she stared into the fire like it was showing her the past all over again. “She was evil, and I never knew what sparked her early days home. Maybe they were just to mess with my mind you know?” She looked up at us, and the orange glow from the fire made her eyes sparkle. “That day I wasn’t comfortable at home even though she wasn’t normally there that early. I had a feeling she would pop up. One of the worst times I remember was during a winter storm. She came home early, only to make me get undressed before pushing me outside of the house. She was high and drunk as usual. For no reason.” She wiped the tears from her eyes.
“After awhile being out there with no clothes and shoes on the snow made my feet feel as if they were being poked by tiny needles. I wanted to come inside so badly but my mother just looked at me standing there naked. She was smiling. I saw her running her hands over her breasts. And I knew she was fingering herself as I begged her to come inside. It wasn’t until I heard her moan loudly that she let me come back in. She was a sadist but I didn’t find out until later. All I wanted her to do was love me, and to be a mother, but she never could. Why couldn’t she love me?” she asked looking directly at me.
I couldn’t give her an answer. I didn’t even know why I couldn’t make my mother love me.
Gage went over to hug her, even though she knew she fucked her ex-boyfriend Wicked. Gage put her arm around her and she cried. That shit was powerful. Speedstar’s tears fell into the fire. At one point I felt like I should be doing something more, but I didn’t know what.
When Speedstar was done sobbing, Gage walked over to me. ”Pretty fucked up right?” she asked me.
“Yeah.”
“Can I talk to you for a minute?”
I looked away from her, and when I did my eyes rested on Everest. She was staring at me like she always was. What was she thinking?
“What about?”
“I feel like you and I have separated lately, and I want to make that right. It makes me feel bad because I miss you, and you’re a good friend.”
“I want that too, Gage,” I responded looking at her. “I don’t want you to have any hard feelings toward me, because it didn’t work out.” I looked over at Everest again.
“You know she doesn’t like you right?” she said with an attitude. Her split personality showed up as usual. “Everybody is attracted to Everest and she never wants anybody. Don’t waste your time because she’s just a tease. But I’m not.”
I felt a lump form in my throat. “I’m not even thinking about that bitch like that. Ya’ll be on her dick not me.” When I looked up at Gage this time she was gone.
“You don’t have to get angry, Mad. I’m just talking.”
“And I’m responding. I’m not interested in that girl. What else you want me to say?”
“And you not interested in me either huh?”
Luckily I didn’t have to respond when Fierce and Daze from the West Wing came yelling outside into The Pit area. Fierce was quiet and reserved so he never rose his voice unless he was really mad. I knew immediately something was wrong.
“I’m not fucking with you, Daze,” Fierce said to him. “Give me back my dope cause I know you took it. You were hanging around the East Wing earlier and everything.”
Killer, Daze’s girlfriend, was right behind him.
Daze rushed up to Fierce. “You don’t know what the fuck you talking about. I didn’t take shit from you. I wasn’t even in your area. You better get up out of my face.”
“You’re a fucking lie! I saw you!”
Fierce whipped out a knife and waved it in Daze’s direction. He almost caught Killer in the stomach instead since she was close, until I pushed her away. “Don’t do this shit, man,” I said to Fierce. “Put the knife down before you do something you can’t take back.”
“You don’t understand, Mad, he took my shit from me. I needed that hit. Everybody here takes stuff from me, like I’m some fucking punk! I’m tired of being pushed around out here. I want my respect.”
“Then do whatever you gotta do later, Fierce.” I looked around, and then lowered my voice so that only he could hear me. “Just not in front of everybody. Your situation is just like mine. You don’t have nowhere else to go. Think about this shit.”
Fierce observed everybody around The Pit. “I got to be by myself. Before I hurt somebody.” He ran out.
****
I was in bed the next morning thinking about Speedstar. Before Fierce came to The Pit fighting with Daze I was going to talk to her in private, and tell her I felt her pain. For the first time I was going to go into detail about my life about my abusive mother. It wasn’t like we had that type of relationship. I kinda didn’t fuck with her because of her connection with Wicked, but I still wanted her to know she wasn’t alone.
Even though I was hungry I was about to get up and go look for her before I ate when Spirit walked in. “Hey, did you hear?”
“Hear what?” I sat up in the bed and put my socks on.
“Speedstar left, man. They said down West her cubby is cleaned out and everything.”
My heart thumped around a little. “Why she do that?”
“That’s what happens sometimes when people Turn Tell All. They don’t like the way people look at them after knowing their business, so they just leave.” He shrugged. “Who knows?” He seemed too nonchalant and I was irritated. “Anyway you coming with us to the soup kitchen? We heard they making baked chicken and rice today. We walking together because we heard they fucking with homeless people again up top too.”
“Aight, give me a second though,” I told him, not really having an appetite anymore.
When he left I thought about Speedstar. I think I wanted the release for myself more than I did for her. But I guess its better not to share my life with people anyway.
Damn.
CHAPTER 12
MAD
“Help, help, help,” Spirit yelled inside of the tunnel.
I heard his voice when I was lying down in the cubby but I thought I was tripping. I never heard him sound so distressed before. I hopped out of bed, and my feet slapped against the flip-flops. Pickles was next to me sleep, so I just pulled the sheets up to his neck so that he could stay in bed. I don�
�t know how it happened, but lately I was left in charge of him. It’s a mistake because I can’t even take care of myself.
When I looked over where Gage slept, I didn’t see her.
When I was outside of my cubby I rushed toward Spirit’s voice. When I got to him he was at the entrance of the tunnel, and he was helping Old Man Young inside by his arms. WB was holding the flashlight for us so that we could see where we were going.
“What the fuck happened?” I asked as I grabbed a hold of Old Man Young’s legs. He was covered in blood and his eyes were swollen shut.
“They fucking beat him,” Spirit said with anger all through his voice. “They caught him slipping and beat him. I don’t know if he gonna make it.”
We made it to Old Man Young’s cubby. “What…why? “I was confused. We sat him on his bed and I looked down at him. There was so much blood I almost didn’t recognize him. His left eye was hanging out and he was moaning.
Old Man Young didn’t bother anybody. He gave advice to everybody who wanted it and was peaceful. This shit had me wanting to kill.
“Don’t you get it yet, Mad,” Spirit yelled at me. “They beat him because they could. Because they don’t give a fuck about us and they use us as punching bags to take out their problems. That’s why they did it.”
I’m breathing heavily. I gotta calm down. “Where was he?”
“Out in front of the Korean store. He was sharing a bottle with some dude, when they said that some niggas about our age walked up to them. Dude with Old Man Young was able to get away, but Old Man Young wasn’t fast enough. They stomped the fuck out of him, Mad and I don’t think he’s going to make it.” Spirit paced the floor. I could tell his feelings were hurt and I wasn’t feeling my best either.
People better be careful around me today. Real careful.
****
I’m sitting at the table in the soup kitchen for the second time this week with Spirit, Gage, Fierce, Everest and Pickles. The atmosphere was quiet and I know we all thinking about the same thing. Old Man Young. Earlier we propped him in front of a hospital and ran. His eye rolled out on the ground and everything. Whatever The Parable was doing wasn’t working so he needed the professionals. The Parable said he was in a coma the last he heard. But I know he’s dead, and it was just a matter of time before we got the news.
“You okay, Mad?” Spirit asked as he sat across from me at the table.
I frowned, and bit my bottom lip. He knew I wasn’t okay.
“Old Man Young gonna be fine, trust me,” Everest said. “You know he strong as shit.”
This bitch swears she knows me. Swears its okay to talk to me, even though I told her several times to leave me the fuck alone.
“Mad, Everest is talking to you,” Gage said with an attitude. “You better speak to her because I know you want to.”
Let me tell you about Gage, ever since I told her again I didn’t want her touching me, she’s been ignoring me. When we’re in the cubby she doesn’t speak to me. When we’re around The Pit she doesn’t talk to me. The only reason she’s saying anything to me now is because she wants to prove her point that I’m attracted to Everest instead of her.
Ignoring everybody, I focused on the front of the Soup Kitchen when I saw three dudes standing in the doorway. They were hanging around, pointing and laughing at us while we ate our food.
When I looked toward my right I saw a mop. I walked over to it and untwisted the wooden handle from the rag part. When I was done I walked toward the entrance and whacked the first nigga over the head I could reach. The others ran but it doesn’t bother me because all I need is one victim.
I could hear Spirit yelling behind me but I couldn’t make out his words and I didn’t care about what he was saying anyway. I didn’t have plans to stop, until I saw the pearl color of his skull.
Blood splattered over my face, the ground, the walls, and the windows of the soup kitchen. When I looked down at his face I knew he was scared. I guess he didn’t see this coming when he decided to fuck with us. He didn’t know that I had been bullied all of my life and that my friend was just beaten probably to death. I’m about to kill him when I felt a hand on my shoulder. When I turned around I saw Father Brian, the priest who runs the kitchen. The moment he touched me I’m immediately at ease, and I realize what I did. Snapped.
Behind him are my friends, and they all looked scared. But Everest had a different look on her face that I can’t explain. Maybe she understood why I went off. Maybe she understood why I needed to take out my anger on him.
“Madjesty, it’s over,” Father Brian said taking the bloody handle from my clenched hand. “You don’t have to hurt this young man anymore.”
How did he know my full name? I’ve never held a conversation with him a day in my life.
Instead of asking, I dropped the mop handle to the ground and when I looked down at my feet, the nigga I just tried to kill was gone.
Sirens went off in the background.
“Get out of here,” Father Brian said calmly. “Before the police come. I’ll take care of everything for you.” When I don’t move he yelled, “Go! Now!”
****
They didn’t have to fuck right in the middle of The Crossroads. They could have gone to The Dump. But there they were, two West Wingers, fucking out in the open. I don’t know what made it worse. The fact that I was with Pickles, or the fact that I hadn’t fucked in weeks and was starting to hate myself for it.
Instead of cleaning Pickles up, I turned around to walk back to the cubby. When I made it there I was met with all members of Mad MaXXX. Their serious expressions let me know that something real was going on. Maybe they’re mad at me about what happened earlier today at the soup kitchen. That shit could’ve gotten us all locked up. Since we’re wanted. It was stupid and I regretted my move.
“What’s up?” I asked, holding Pickles’ hand tighter than I should have.
Spirit looked at Gage who rolled her eyes and walked away.
“Can somebody tell me what the fuck is up?” I asked.
“Gage put you out of her cubby today, man,” Fierce said. “She said it ain’t working, and she needs her space.”
My heart punched my chest. “Put me out? For what? Because of what I did at the soup kitchen?”
“No,” Everest said softly. “She said she doesn’t like—”
“Shawty, why the fuck do you think I’m talking to you when I’m not?” I yelled in her face. “When I want to talk to you you’ll know, until then step the fuck off.”
Everest’s lips trembled and she looked shocked. I guess now she knows how I really feel about her.
“Mad,” Spirit said softly, “Everest didn’t mean it that way. She was just trying to explain to you what’s up because this shit is crazy. You and Gage were friends and now ya’ll acting like enemies. So we don’t know the real reason she put you out.”
He was lying. He knew. He knew everything.
“Fierce, just take Pickles and Everest to my cubby,” Spirit continued. “I’ll be down in a minute after I rap to Mad.”
He took Pickles away from me and already I felt empty. Spirited waited for them to disappear before he said anything.
“What’s up, Spirit?” I asked. “I’m real confused.”
“Mad, what is wrong with you lately?”
“Me,” I pointed to myself. “What the fuck did I do?”
“For starters you been snapping at niggas left and right.”
“What you talking about? The only time I say anything to anybody is when they’re bothering me first.”
“That’s just it, nobody is bothering you. We trying to be there for you, but you won’t let us. If you not out in the street drinking until you fall into a stupor, you fussing with us. You aren’t the only one who feels bad about Old Man Young being in the hospital, but don’t take it out on us. We family.”
“Oh, so this is how ya’ll try to be there for me, by putting me out? When you know I don’t have no place else
to go? And that I can’t be up top or I’ll get arrested for some shit I didn’t do?”
“We going to set you up with your own cubby, Mad. Nobody is putting you out of the tunnel. We already got stuff for you and everything. If anything having your own spot down here may be what you need to get your mind right.”
“So ya’ll knew about this before the soup kitchen? That she was putting me out?”
“Yes.”
I felt like punching him in the face. The next question I wanted to know more than I needed to know. I was just trying to find the right words to say that wouldn’t make me feel like a punk. “Why, man? Be real with me because I know you know. If she not doing this because of how I snapped on dude at the soup kitchen, then why she doing it?”
He sighed. “Because she’s in love with you, Mad.” I could tell that was hard for him. It probably would be messed up for me too if I was feeling somebody who wasn’t into me. “If you would calm down and see things for what they really are you would know that already. She already had her heart broken fucking with Wicked, and she can’t take it anymore. And to tell you the truth, if I see her cry again, I don’t know how I’m going to react.”
I knew that was a threat and in my own way I respected it.
“You know what, if she wants to put me out that’s on her. I’m tired of dealing with this chick anyway. But I do know this; her putting me out just proves that the only person I can count on is myself. And I’m good with that shit too.”
CHAPTER 13
MAD
I’m glad Gage did that shit because it made me somewhat responsible. Since they put me up in my own cubby I decided I needed a job to get my spot together. The thing was, I couldn’t get a job in the traditional sense because I’m wanted. In order for me to take care of myself what I really needed was a hustle. Spirit, Fierce and WB decided to help me with some ideas. And Gage and Everest tagged along even though I wasn’t speaking to either of them.