Mad Love

by Colet Abedi

  “Noom, isn’t it normal for your mind to be thinking? Isn’t that a good thing?”

  “No.” She doesn’t hesitate in responding as she moves away from me. “That is no peace. Especially when your mind tell you bad thing.”

  “My mind does not tell me bad thing,” I say back to her as I sit up to watch her grab a handful of crystals from a sink. I wonder what she’s going to do with them.

  “Does your mind tell you you’re beautiful?” No.

  “Does your mind tell you you’re smart?” No.

  “Does your mind ever let you have peace?” Well, no. Hmmm, she might be onto something. “How is that healthy for you?”

  I try to think of a suitable reply but I can’t.

  “Have you ever meditated, Sophie?”

  I think of the small fortune I’ve spent on countless yoga classes, trying to find my inner Zen. I took them with Orie, who is awesome at yoga. He tried to help me find my balance but I never really felt that I was at peace, like the other students in the class. When the yoga instructor would ask us to be silent in meditation for ten minutes, I would always mentally prepare my to-do list, which would stress me out, and then I’d wish for the end of the ten minutes so I could get going.

  “Of course. I’ve taken yoga.” I choose not to tell Noom this story.

  She shakes her head at me.

  “No. I asked, have you meditated? Have you sat with yourself. In complete stillness. Have you allowed yourself to be? Just be, Sophie?”

  I think back to the plane ride from Los Angeles. How long did my stillness last? Thirty, maybe forty-five seconds? If that.

  Noom brings me back by taking a deep breath in and then exhaling to show me by example. She points to her stomach.

  “Just breathing in. Feeling your life force, your energy from inside.”

  I think about this and I realize I’ve never actually spent time with myself just being. Breathing. Closing my eyes. I’ve never really thought about it before now.

  “Give me your left hand.” I give it to her and she puts a smoky quartz crystal in my palm. It feels light and cool. “This is to take all the bad thought and energy out of your body. Let the crystal flow through your body and release. Release all the negative.” Release? Just how am I supposed to do that?

  “Give me your right hand.” She places a clear quartz in this palm. “This brings inner peace and light back into your flow. Good chi. It brings positivity.”

  Well, that’s nice. I clasp the crystal in my hand. I need good chi.

  “You too young to feel so heavy.”

  I immediately look down at my stomach, wondering if it is bloated. Noom laughs.

  “Heavy in here!” She points at my head, then my middle. “Your core is so heavy. Why? I see no damage in you. All your pain, you have created yourself.”

  I beg to differ, Noom. I immediately think of my parents.

  “Yes, it is true. When you understand that you have all the power in your life to create joy and sorrow, you will be free.”

  I wonder if that could be true.

  “Lie back and close your eyes.” Noom places another crystal on my forehead. “This is for your third eye. We will open the window today so you see things more clearly, so you understand the power you have and how you must use it for good.”

  I like the sound of that.

  “And we want to bring out your magic.”

  “Magic?” I ask. “I don’t have any magic.” I think I’m going to kill Erik for getting me into this.

  Noom slaps my stomach. “Everyone has magic. Why are you so hard on yourself?”

  Hell if I know but, “I’m not.” I say defensively. It’s kind of weird talking to her with my eyes closed and crystals all over my body.

  “You have loving family.” I snort. Noom pushes my stomach again. “Why you do that?”

  Oh, Noom. You have no idea.

  “My family does not love me very much right now. I think my mom and dad probably hate me.” Wow. I can’t believe I just spewed that out. I know I sound childish but it’s how I feel.

  Noom moves around the table and places her hands on my head. I wonder what she’s doing and then I start to feel a strange sensation move through my body.

  “Your mother never hate you. She give you life. That is a miracle. You are a part of her.” She’s quiet for a moment then, “You no have kids right now.” I can hear the smile in her voice when she says, “Oh, you still virgin.”

  I blush. Oh great. Even Noom can tell?

  “You are innocent so you don’t know.” I think of my behavior with Clayton last night. That hardly qualifies as innocent. Noom continues. “But when you do give birth to a baby you will know that you can never hate your child. Your child is love. Your child is you.”

  Noom starts to move her hands around my body, pushing down on my stomach, my throat, my thighs, then my head again. I feel a slow peace begin to move through my being. I feel extremely light.

  “You must release all the toxins from your body. All the negative thought. All the fear. It must go now. Release yourself. Be free.”

  “How do I do that?” I whisper to her, afraid that I can’t.

  “Just be.” She places her hands on the side of my head and it feels so good. “Be still. One with the moment. With your breath. The now. There is no yesterday. No tomorrow. Only this moment. It is wonderful, no? Listen to the hum of the ocean. The feeling of the crystals, the power they have. This is joy. This now is so special.”

  It’s strange but Noom is right. There is peace in this moment.

  “Release everything, Sophie. And be free.”

  It is the most appealing proposition I’ve had in a long time. Noom then starts to play the singing bowls I saw underneath the table. The sound is haunting, the vibration so strong that I feel it permeate my body. I let myself go and listen to the music from the bowls and the feeling of the crystals on my body, and I do as Noom says. I release. Before I know it, tears are streaming down my face.

  “Let go, Sophie. Be happy. Live for now. It is all we have.” Noom’s voice reaches me through the vibrations moving in and around my body, like she’s chanting a mantra. “There is nothing to be afraid of anymore. Just release.”

  And I do.

  I let go.

  An hour and a half later (Noom went overtime free of charge), I’m back in my room looking at the phone to see if there are any messages. There’s only one, and it’s from Erik and Orie wanting to know how my session went. I decide I will call them later. I release a deep breath because I realize it is okay that Clayton hasn’t called me. For now. I feel a sense of Zen from my experience with Noom and I decide I will do what she says and release my fears, or at least try to.

  I look out on the ocean. What am I afraid of? Why don’t I ever just jump in the water and swim like everyone else? Why would a shark single me out? It’s a ridiculous fear I’ve had all my life for no other reason than I saw a movie when I was younger that put the fear of Jaws in me.

  How absurd.

  I put on my purple bikini and walk out to the edge of the deck. I look down at the water then away, averting my gaze. No, I don’t want to look at it. I don’t want to psych myself out if I see some fish swimming around. I’m just going to jump. Take the plunge. Release all the negative energy and begin again.

  I take a deep breath. It’s now or never. I take a few steps back and run. I land in the water, but not before I scream my heart out. Yes, I know. It sounds crazy. But I’m scared to death of sharks. Or at least I was, I tell myself. The water is cool and I appreciate how it feels on my skin. I try to block out my fears as I keep my eyes closed and just let myself sink for a minute, and try to bask in the wonder of the sea.

  This isn’t so bad, I think. If my eyes are closed it’s not so scary. Oh God, was that something slimy that just swam by me? Don’t think. Don’t think. Don’t think. I can do this.

  And then, before I know it, I’m rudely grabbed by the arm and pulled up to the surf
ace. I’m lucky I don’t take in a deep gulp of seawater as I’m hauled roughly through the water, away from my deck and toward the opposite direction. After a moment, we reach the deck and I suck in air, arms flailing, wet hair in my face.

  It’s him again.

  I know his touch. He’s got his strong arms wrapped around my naked waist and he literally yanks me up the stairs to his deck until only my calves are in the water. I cough up some water and very dramatically flip my hair away from my eyes. His arms are still around me when I look up at him, and all I see is fury.

  “Are you insane?!” he hollers.

  “Me?! I jumped in the ocean! I was going for a swim!” I yell back at him. This was my moment of freedom. Of Zen. Of releasing fears. And he just took it away from me!

  “Going for a swim? In a school of sharks?!” He’s so angry I can feel his body shake with it.

  His words wash over me like an ice cold shower. I did what?

  “Did you not look in the water before you jumped?!” His voice is as gentle as a lion’s roar.

  Huh? Well, shit. No.

  Oh my God.

  A school of sharks? Was that slimy fin touching me a shark? I turn in his arms and stare at a dorsal fin that is poking up out of the water. I can’t answer him. Noom told me to release my fears. Well I sure as hell released them. I jumped right out into the water with Jaws! Oh my God in heaven.

  I promptly faint in his arms.

  I wake up some time later in a giant, fluffy bed. I’m disoriented and it takes me a second to recall the moments leading up to my dramatic swoon. Sharks. In the water. With me. I can feel the nausea start to sweep over me again.

  “Don’t you dare pass out on me again.”

  How did I not notice him? He’s sitting next to me, leaning over, holding a wet towel in his hands. I’m in his bed. His face is etched with worry. Holy hell. I’m in his bed, I think again. He’s in his swim trunks and I’m given a healthy view of the wonderful expanse of his tan chest, which is so well sculpted it makes me want to lick my lips. He’s got a sprinkle of light gold hair across a chest that would put any fitness model to shame. Lord, have mercy.

  That’s when I notice that one arm is now on the other side of my waist, lightly brushing my bare stomach in an extremely intimate way and it evokes that familiar warmth within me.

  “How are you feeling?”

  My mouth is parched for all the wrong reasons.

  “Okay.”

  “Why did you do something so ridiculous?” I cringe at the insult.

  “I was releasing my fears.” It comes out before I can stop myself.

  He frowns, looking perplexed.

  “Releasing what fears?”

  “Of the ocean.” Keep admitting, Sophie. “Of sharks. And so I just ran and jumped.”

  He looks completely dumbfounded.

  “You’re afraid of sharks?”

  “Yes,” I mumble. “I was trying to seize the moment and let my fear go.” There, that sounds cool, right?

  Not so much. I watch as the anger leaves his face and, shoulders shaking, he begins to laugh … hard. It’s unbelievably hot to watch, even though it is at my expense. I mean, it is funny. Shit, it’s more than funny. It’s hysterical. I can’t wait to share the story with Erik and Orie. Almost.

  I smile at him. “A gentleman wouldn’t laugh.”

  “Whatever gave you the impression that I’m a gentleman?” The words are said quietly, a smile remaining on his face as he looks at me tenderly. My body reacts to his affectionate look and I feel a surge of excitement.

  His hand inches over slowly, moving lightly over my skin until he rests it fully on my stomach, caressing me all the while. I suck in my breath and watch as his eyes darken.

  “You saved my life. That makes you a gentleman.” Or a knight in shining armor, I think to myself. Maybe a bit of a mysterious knight.

  “When I heard you scream like that I almost had a heart attack. You scared the shit out of me.” I love that he was so concerned.

  “I ran out and saw you in the middle of a school of sharks and I almost died. I couldn’t get to you fast enough. Jesus, Sophie. Don’t ever do anything like that again.”

  Trust you me, I will never do anything like that again, I think to myself.

  “I won’t.”

  Clayton looks somewhat mollified by my acquiescence. His fingers starts to trace lines and my skin tingles from his touch.

  “You didn’t call.”

  Clayton’s eyes meet mine. I wonder if my session with Noom has something to do with my sudden boldness.

  “Yes, I did. About thirty times. I waited until ten because I thought you needed your sleep.” I’m instantly placated. He didn’t forget me.

  “I was with Noom.”

  “Yes, I know,” he says. I raise a brow. How would he know that? “I figured if you weren’t in your room, you probably booked a spa appointment. So I called and checked.”

  That was daring of him. And then the most pleasant thought fills me like a dream. He likes me. He cares enough to see where I am.

  “Why didn’t you leave a message?”

  “I don’t do messages.” Like he doesn’t do jealousy. I laugh.

  “So what do you do?” I ask softly.

  He gives me a devilish smile. “Now that’s a loaded question.”

  “I didn’t mean—“

  “I know you didn’t. It’s fun teasing you. You’re so easy to read. You’re unlike anyone I’ve ever encountered before.”

  “Is that a good thing or a bad thing?” I ask him shyly.

  “Good.” He smiles at me. “Very good.”

  I am flying through the sky again. I’m so glad I jumped in the ocean with the sharks. Look where it led me. I love Noom!

  “I want to know you.” I watch the shadows move over his face when I make the statement.

  “I’ll bore you,” he replies.

  “Try me.”

  He’s pensive for a long moment, but when he looks at me his gaze is guarded.

  “Ask me whatever you’d like.”

  “And you’ll answer?” Somehow, I sense that is an impossibility.

  “Depends on whether or not I like the question.”

  “That’s not fair.”

  “Try me.”

  “Alright. So tell me everything.” Since this has been a day of unexpected daring, why not continue?

  His finger traces a path up my stomach toward the valley between my breasts. My eyes close in response. “You have to ask a specific question.”

  “I can’t concentrate when you do that.” Clayton leans down and licks the path his finger had traced. I let out a moan.

  “What would you like to know?” he whispers as he kisses my stomach and places his cheek against it. “You have beautiful, soft skin, you know.”

  What was I going to ask him? He’s doing this on purpose. I know it and he knows it. I try to remain immune. But it’s like he’s got this magic spell that makes me incapable of rational thought.

  “Who are you?” I finally say.

  “Clayton Astor Sinclair.” He kisses my stomach, licks a spot, then blows on it.

  “Sounds important.” I can feel his smile.

  “It’s just a name.”

  “It suits you.”

  “I kind of like it myself,” he says teasingly.

  Okay, next question Sophie.

  “What do you do for a living that you can afford all of this?”

  “I’m in the shipping business.”

  I try to move so I can look at his face while I ask him these questions, but he won’t allow it.

  “No moving. You’re trapped now.”

  Trust me, I don’t mind.

  “You own your company.” It’s a statement. I just say it out loud to confirm what I already know.

  “Yes.”

  “How old are you?” He’s so young to have such wealth at his disposal.

  “Thirty-four.” He looks younger. That’s an eleven-ye
ar age difference. I didn’t quite expect that but then, I kind of like it. It means he’s played the field, done his thing, and should kind of know what he wants, right? At least according to Dr. Phil.

  “When’s your birthday?”

  He laughs. “November. Do you think I’m too old for you?” Before I can answer, his hand moves beneath my body and holds my behind. “I’m not.”

  The sigh that I’ve been trying to contain comes out at that touch.

  “You have a great ass, Sophie. In fact, your whole body is exquisite.” Lord, does he know what to say to make a girl swoon. I’m putty in his hands.

  “You’re trying to distract me again.” My eyes open and I look up at him and suck in my breath. His head hovers above me, his hands touching me the most intimately anyone ever has in my life. And yet it feels so natural.

  He takes my breath away.

  “Don’t you want to know me too?” His eyes darken with passion as he moves above me, letting his body settle over mine. Skin against skin. Heat, sizzling heat consumes me. He holds his upper body above mine so he can look down at me but still let me feel the size of him, the difference in our bodies. And the proof that he’s just as attracted to me as I am to him.

  Holy hell, we’ll never fit.

  My eyes close in embarrassment at this intimacy. He’s so hard against me that it ignites something within me I can’t control. I can feel myself getting wet just from him moving up against my bathing suit.

  “Open your eyes,” he commands.

  I hesitate.

  “Now.”

  My eyes open and I stare right up at him. His bright blue gaze is penetrating, daring me to hide. Yet while he wants me to bare my soul to him, I know he still holds back from me. The clouds are there, the layers that have to be carefully peeled away. There’s a storm residing in him, something so complicated and dangerous I’m almost scared to touch it.

  “I see your innocence,” he says.

  “Because you know I don’t have experience.”

  “No. It’s not about that. There’s a softness that radiates from every part of you. A genuine sweetness of your soul. It’s all there in your eyes.” He touches my face, gently, almost reverently, when he says this.

  “Do you know what I see?” My voice is husky with emotion from the praise he just gave me.