by Abel, E. M.
Jay had seemed like a different person last night though. He hadn’t talked much, smoothed out my hair, or caressed my skin when we were lying next to each other in bed. He’d acted distant.
When I thought about his note again, I began to feel nervous. What if something is wrong? I needed to look in his eyes, so I could see if that distance, that wall that I’d noticed around him when I first met him, had come back. I prayed it hadn’t. Picking up my cell phone, I decided to send him a text.
Good morning. I hope work is going okay. I had fun last night. Will I get to see you again soon?
After I sent it, I felt desperate and clingy, and I hated feeling that way. I had too much pride to admit that I needed someone to love me, someone to reassure me. Determined not to overthink things, I went into the bathroom to take a shower.
On the way to my apartment, I looked around Jay’s fancy black car, feeling uneasy. I was relieved when I saw we were approaching my apartment building. After the car came to a complete stop, I quickly opened the door before the driver could get out.
“I got it. Thanks,” I hurriedly told the driver as I stood on my heels. Walking into the building, I hoped no one would see me dressed in the same clothes. Instead of being giddy and cheerful, I felt used. I stepped into my apartment, sighing, and threw my purse on the floor by the door. I still hadn’t heard back from Jay, and as much as I tried not to think about it, I couldn’t stop.
When I approached my desk, Nick was just sitting down with a cup of coffee.
He turned to me, smiling, and then his face fell into a frown. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing. I just have a headache,” I lied, not wanting to tell Nick about my morning. I wasn’t even sure if something was wrong or if I was just being paranoid.
“Want some coffee?” he asked.
I put my purse away in my desk. “Sure. Thanks.”
I plopped down in my chair, as Nick went off to the break room. Just as I turned on my computer, I heard my phone beep in my purse. I grabbed it and found a text from Jay.
Sorry I had to leave so early. I won’t be able to see you until Saturday. I’ll call you, so we can do something.
As soon as I read his text, I knew something had changed. I could feel it in my gut. I tried to take a deep breath and calm down before Nick came back with my coffee. The last thing I wanted to do was talk about it.
For the rest of the day, I kept to myself, pretending to be busy whenever Nick looked over our cubical wall. As I sat at my desk, I thought back to the first night Jay and I had slept together. He’d told me I scared him because I brought out a side to him that he was trying to change.
Thinking about the way he fucked me last night, it started to become clear why there was a sudden distance between us. Before, he had worried about not being able to make me happy, but now, maybe he was more concerned about me holding him back.
That thought brought tears to my eyes, and I quickly blinked them away. I turned my back toward Nick, so he couldn’t see what a mess I was.
I had to talk to Jay, but I wasn’t even sure what to say. Am I ready to change because he’s changing? Will he even want me if I do change for him? He’d told me he was attracted to me because I wasn’t like the typical girls he’d dated in the past.
Frustrated from all the thoughts swirling through my mind, I rubbed my forehead with my palms. Now, I really was getting a headache. I decided to check my email to see if I had any work to do. I needed something to distract me even if it were only for a few hours.
Although Jay was never far from my mind, I worked through lunch, and I was able to keep busy until quitting time. I decided not to overreact. Something weird was happening between us, but he hadn’t actually said anything. For all I knew, it could have been something completely unrelated, like stress from work. At least, that was what I was hoping.
As I walked home in my flip-flops, I got a text from my brother, Rob.
Hey, sis. We’re going out tomorrow. Alexis and I leave on Sunday. Don’t worry. Shaun said we didn’t have to go to the same club. LOL Can you make it?
I sighed as I stared down at my phone. I knew I’d promised Shaun I would go out with them again, but I really wasn’t in the mood to party. If I couldn’t talk to Jay tonight, I would probably be even worse off tomorrow. I decided to avoid giving a concrete answer. If I were to say no, Shaun would call to give me shit, and that was the last thing I needed.
I’ll try.
By the time I reached my apartment, I was exhausted. My mind was in a whirlwind of thoughts, and my entire body was feeling the effect. Since I hadn’t eaten lunch, I thought I better eat something before curling up on the couch for some mindless television.
After making a turkey sandwich and warming up some tomato soup, I sat down at my small dining room table when I heard my phone beep in my purse. After I fished out my phone, my shoulders fell when I realized it wasn’t Jay. It was a text from Hailey.
Hey, girl. Are you going to the charity ball with Jay tomorrow? John and I are going since his firm represents Clarke Industries. You didn’t go dress shopping without me, did you?
My heart sank when I read her message. What ball? And why didn’t Jay invite me? As soon as I asked myself why, I knew the answer. How could a CEO-in-training show up to a charity function with his tattooed girlfriend? I could have found a way to cover my tattoo if it mattered, but apparently, he hadn’t felt right about asking me.
How do I expect this to work? I could change my clothes and my hair, but I would always still be me, and the tiger on my arm was a constant reminder of that. Isn’t that why I got it in the first place?
With my elbows on the table, I ran my fingers along my scalp. Closing my eyes, I took a deep breath before I texted Hailey back.
No. I’m not going. Didn’t even know about it.
I tossed my phone down on the table and sat back in my chair, looking at the ring on my right hand. Why do I feel like I’m getting dumped? Just yesterday, I had felt ecstatic, and nothing could get me down. Now, here I was, sitting at my dining room table, about to cry. I hadn’t cried in years.
Hailey quickly texted me back.
What do you mean? Jay didn’t invite you? That’s weird. I know he’s going to be there. Are you okay?
Her last question was my downfall. Giving up, I released the tears from my eyes as I put my head down on the table. I just wanted to talk to Jay. I needed to hear it from him. Deep down, I was hoping he would have a perfectly good explanation for it all. I decided to text him.
Hey. If you get a chance, can you call me?
I was nervous to talk to him, and I wasn’t exactly sure what I would say, but I just had to hear his voice. I needed to hear him say something sweet to me, something that would make all my fears disappear.
Wiping the tears off my cheeks, I stood up and left my dinner on the table. With my phone in hand, I went to my room to go to bed. As I drifted off to sleep, my phone rang. I sat up and drew in a sharp breath as I fumbled to answer it.
“Hello?”
“Hey. Are you asleep already? Are you okay?” Hailey asked, sounding worried.
I sighed, and after lying back down, I tossed my arm across my eyes. “I’m fine. Just tired.”
“What’s going on with you and Jay? Did you ask him about tomorrow night?”
“No. I asked him to call me, but I haven’t heard from him. He’s been really busy lately.” I tried to control the sound of my voice, so Hailey couldn’t tell I was upset. She knew me too well, and I’d very rarely gotten anything by her.
“Well, I don’t get it. I don’t understand why he wouldn’t invite you. It’s a ball. Everyone brings a date.” Hailey gasped. “You don’t think he’s going with someone else, do you?”
“Well, I didn’t until now!” I said, throwing my arm down to my side. “Look, I can’t really talk right now. I can’t tell you anything until I speak to Jay anyway. I need to get some sleep.”
I didn’t mean to snap at
her, but I was getting irritated. Hailey was silent for a few seconds.
“I’m sorry, girl. I just wanted to make sure you were okay. I’m sure there’s a perfectly good explanation. I’m here for you if you need to talk, okay?”
“Yeah, thanks. Talk to you later.”
I woke up with my heart beating out of my chest. I looked at my clock to see that it was five in the morning. I had a dream about Jay. I couldn’t remember what the dream was about. I just felt panicked. Sitting up in bed, I tried to catch my breath.
I needed something to clear my head, so I decided to go for a run. Before heading into the bathroom to get ready, I checked my phone. Nothing. I took a shaky deep breath and threw the phone back onto the bed.
Anger started growing in my stomach and then slowly crept into my chest. Who the fuck does he think he is? Why am I sitting here, waiting for him? He doesn’t want me? Then, fuck him!
I strapped my iPod to my arm and threw on my headphones. I listened to Rage Against the Machine at full volume as I took off down the street. Zach de la Rocha screamed in my ears, only fueling the anger growing inside me.
I ran faster than I’d ever run before. Focusing on my breath, my feet hit the pavement as sweat dripped down the sides of my face. Better sweat than tears. I ran for an hour before finally deciding to take a break.
I stopped at a water fountain in my favorite park. I was grateful for the cool liquid in my dry throat. After drinking what felt like a gallon of water, I stood up and went to go stretch in the grass before running back. I looked at my watch. It was six twenty in the morning. I sat in the damp grass and spread my legs out in front of me. I grabbed one foot, feeling the stretch in my hamstring.
“Asia!”
I would recognize that voice anywhere. I looked behind me, trying to find its source, when I saw him. Marcus was walking toward me with earbuds hanging around his neck. He was wearing a pair of white basketball shorts, sitting low on his hips, white running shoes, and no shirt. I couldn’t decide if I liked seeing him in white or black more. It was probably because he looked good in everything.
His chest was covered in sweat, and I watched him as he made his way under the trees, their shadows moving over his body. His tattoos displayed on his flexing muscles looked incredibly sexy, but my body wasn’t reacting as it had before. I was just too sad and numb to feel turned on.
“Oh, hey,” I muttered, glancing down at the grass and then back up to meet his eyes. I stood up and wiped the grass off my butt as he got closer.
“What’s up?” Marcus smiled at me, his eyes shining in the sunlight. His brow furrowed as he studied my face. “What’s wrong?”
God, am I that obvious?
“Nothing. Just didn’t get enough sleep,” I lied, trying to avoid eye contact with Marcus.
“I know you’re lying,” he accused, staring down at me.
I could feel his gaze burning into me, but I couldn’t look up. The last thing I wanted was to start crying in front of Marcus.
“Did Jay do something to you?” he asked, his voice sounding angry.
I met his eyes. “No, Marcus. I’m okay. Really. Just had a rough night, that’s all.”
I kept eye contact for a few seconds, trying to show him that I was alright, and he started to relax.
“I’m surprised to see you out at this hour. What were you doing? Playing ball?” I asked, trying to change the subject.
“Nah. I can’t find anyone to play ball with me this early. Just went for a run.”
“Me, too.”
“Yeah, I can see that. So, what’s up with tonight? Are you coming out with us?”
I had forgotten about Rob’s invitation. I still wasn’t sure what I wanted to do. Part of me wanted to be alone, and the other part of me wanted to say fuck it and just go get wasted. In either case, my hope for things to be okay with Jay outweighed my need to give up.
“I don’t know. The timing is just bad. I already had plans,” I lied again, hoping he wouldn’t see right through me. “Are you heading back to L.A., soon?”
“Trying to get rid of me?” He gave me his devilish grin.
“No.” Does he ever stop flirting?
“Good. It looks like I’ll be sticking around a while longer. I found a spot for my new shop.” He smiled with excitement in his eyes.
“Really? Where?”
“That spot I was checking out the other day. You know, the one by your work? It’s about a block down, next to the drugstore.”
“Oh yeah, I know what you’re talking about. That’s a nice place. It’s big.”
I was impressed. I’d heard Marcus’s shop in L.A., was doing well, but I didn’t realize just how well. I wasn’t sure, but I imagined rent on that block had to be very expensive.
“Yeah, everything I have is big, baby.” He chuckled and winked at me.
I couldn’t help but blush. Oh, I remembered, and he wasn’t lying.
“You working today?” Marcus asked as he stretched out his legs.
“Yeah, I was just about to head home.”
“Okay. Well, I hope your day is better than yesterday,” he said, giving me a small smile. “And if you change your mind about tonight, you know we’d love to have you there.”
I nodded as I looked down at my feet. “Okay. I’ll see you around.”
I pulled my headphones back up to my ears, and this time, I listened to P!nk, something a little less angry. About a block away from my apartment, I slowed to a walk as P!nk’s song, “It’s All Your Fault,” started playing. The words struck a chord, causing my chest to tighten, as tears began to prick the back of my eyes.
When I walked into my apartment, I went straight to my room and looked at my phone. I double-checked my messages to make sure I hadn’t missed any. Still nothing. I sighed as I put my phone in my purse. This is going to be a long day.
After my shower, I slipped on a white button-up shirt and tucked it into the waist of the black pencil skirt I’d worn the first night Jay and I slept together. As I brushed my hair back into a tight ponytail, I studied my face. My eyes were bloodshot, and I looked tired. I didn’t have the same glow I’d had just two days before. Stay strong, Asia. You’ve got to stop giving men so much power over you.
I applied a little makeup and walked out the door, determined to stay positive.
When I got to work, Nick turned in his chair to face me.
“Hey, girl. You seem better.” He crossed his arms as he inspected me.
“Yeah, I feel better. Thanks,” I murmured as I settled myself at my desk.
I didn’t have much work to do since I had finished so much the day before. I checked my email, and once I saw nothing new was waiting for me, I sat back in my chair. I smiled when I saw Nick approaching with an extra cup of coffee.
“You’re awesome, Nick. Thanks.”
When my stomach started to growl, I realized just how hungry I was. “You wanna go to lunch early today? I’m starving.”
“Sure. Let’s get some pizza. I need something greasy. If I eat another fucking salad, I’m going to lose my mind.”
“Are you dieting?” I asked, raising my eyebrow.
“This body doesn’t stay like this by itself, you know?” Nick informed me, putting his hands on his narrow hips.
I laughed for the first time in what felt like ages. I could always count on Nick to put a smile on my face.
At eleven, Nick and I went out for lunch. By then, I had learned to ignore the glares from the blondes. They seemed to have something against me. I wasn’t sure why, but Nick had insisted it was just jealousy. I was sure they would have loved to know that I wasn’t quite as lucky as they had thought.
As we sat, waiting for our pizza, Nick gave me a curious look, and I knew questions were coming.
“So, what’s been up with you, girl? You haven’t been your lovesick self lately.”
I glanced down at my hand, twisting my straw wrapper in my fingers. “Things with Jay are getting complicated.”
“I don’t know. Things just don’t feel right. He’s been distant. I found out he’s going to a charity ball tonight, and he didn’t invite me.” After saying it, I realized how petty it sounded.
“How did you find out about the ball?” Nick asked before taking a sip of his water.
“Hailey. She’s going with John.”
“And you’re sure Jay’s going?”
I shrugged. “Hailey seems to think he is. I guess it’s being sponsored by Clarke Industries.”
“So, why haven’t you talked to him? Maybe it’s just a misunderstanding.”
“I tried. I haven’t heard from him since yesterday morning.” After he fucked me.
“Well, try harder, girl. Show up at his work. Go to his apartment. Don’t just sit here, sulking over something you don’t even know.”
I sighed. I knew Nick was right, but I was afraid of offending Jay—or worse, finding out I had a reason to worry.
“You should find out when this thing starts tonight and then go to his apartment when you know he’ll be getting ready. That way, if he opens the door in a tux, he’ll have to explain himself,” Nick said.
I nodded and took a sip of my water just as the waitress brought us our pizza.
When I got back to work, I sent a text to Hailey. I found out that the ball was supposed to start at seven. I promised that I would tell her what was going on when I saw her the next morning.
The rest of the afternoon dragged by. I was nervous about going to Jay’s apartment later. I was scared of what he might say, but I figured that knowing was better than the torture of wondering. The more time passed without hearing from him, the more uneasy I felt.
When I finally got home from work, I was a nervous wreck. I sat on my couch, twisting my ruby ring around my finger, as I replayed the image of when Jay had given it to me.
It was hard to believe that he could just shut me out after everything. Before our encounter on Wednesday, he’d told me he was falling for me. He has a hell of a way of showing it. Then, it occurred to me that maybe his revelation had scared him. Maybe he wasn’t ready to fall for someone. Or maybe he’d realized he didn’t want me. I would find out soon enough.