by Abel, E. M.
“It’s okay to cry, baby. Each tear makes you stronger.”
She’d told me that once when I was six. My brothers had been laughing at me, and I’d run into the kitchen, trying to hold back my tears. Bending down, my mom had taken me in her arms as she whispered that into my ear.
Tears started to cloud my vision, and a single stream fell down my face. Wiping my cheek, I straightened my back and looked back into my eyes. I wanted to make my mom proud. I wanted to show her I could be strong. Marcus was wrong. I wasn’t free, but I wanted to be. I was tired of hurting, I was tired of being scared, and I was tired of doubting myself. I had to stop looking for love. I had to stop looking to other people to fill the void I carried in my heart. If I wanted to be whole, if I wanted to be free, I had to be the one to cut the chains.
It was Friday night, and I had one more week until my trip to Japan. Each morning, I got up, went straight to my bathroom, and looked in the mirror to remind myself to be strong. It got a little easier each day, but there was still a big hole in my heart where Marcus had been. I was worried about him, and I hoped he was alright. Despite everything, I still loved him. When my lease ran out in the fall, I decided I would move. I needed a fresh start, and my apartment was filled with the ghosts of my past.
I was walking home from Bob’s Diner where Hailey, John, Nick, and I ate after a night of drinking beer at a sports bar. It was nice to get out again. I’d actually laughed a few times, and I had forgotten about Marcus if only for a few hours.
When I opened the front door to my apartment building, I felt a chill run across my skin, hair rising on the back of my neck. I saw movement under the stairs leading to the second floor, but I ignored it since I knew an apartment was back there. I pulled my purse strap higher on my shoulder, and I quickly started my way up the stairs until a big hand wrapped around my bicep and pulled me backward. My back slammed into a hard wall of flesh, and I felt something sharp poking my ribs.
“Don’t make a fucking sound, or I’ll stab you right here, bitch,” a man growled from behind me.
Adrenaline rushed into my veins, and fear seized my senses. My chest was rising and falling so fast with my breath that I thought I might pass out. As he pushed me forward up the stairs, he kept the sharp thing pressed into my ribs while his other hand held tight around my bicep until we made it to my apartment door.
“Open it,” he clipped in my ear.
“Please,” I begged as I reached into my purse. When I felt my phone hit my fingertips, I knew I had to find some way to use it.
“Shut the fuck up,” he demanded, as he pressed harder into my side.
I gasped as I felt the pain in my ribs, and I shakily grabbed the keys from inside my purse. My hands were shaking so bad that it felt like an eternity had passed before I finally got the right key into the hole. I prayed that one of my neighbors would come into the hallway before he got me inside, but no one did.
When I turned the knob, he pushed me hard from behind, sending me flying across the floor. When I looked back I knew I was in trouble. It was the guy from Red—Jason. He closed and locked the door before turning to face me. An evil smile curled onto his lips as he prowled toward me.
“What’s the matter, Asia? Not so brave now, are you?”
I started scooting backward on the floor toward the living room, searching frantically for something to use as a weapon. I saw Marcus’s skateboard, but it was all the way on the other side of the room.
“Stand up!” Jason ordered.
I made my way in front of the couch. I froze and stared up at him, terror engulfing my entire body.
“I said, stand up!” he yelled again.
I tried to lift myself up, but my legs were shaking, so I was moving slow. Jason lunged forward, grabbed my arm again, and forced me to my feet. When I was standing, he let go of my arm and cupped my jaw, pressing his thumb into my cheek so hard that it hurt.
“Such a pity, beautiful face like yours.”
Before I had time to react, he reared back his fist and slammed it into my cheekbone. A flash of light hit my eyes, and I cried out in pain as I fell to the floor from the force of his blow. The entire left side of my face was hot and throbbing. When I lifted my hand to my cheek, I felt blood and the sting of a cut.
He leaned down to grab my arm again, and I tried to get free. I started kicking and screaming for help, scratching him with my nails, anything I could think of to get away. I still had my purse on my arm, and I made sure not to drop it. My phone might be my only hope. Lifting me back onto my feet, Jason got a hold of my wrists. He held them tightly behind my back, causing me to cry out in pain again.
“Uh-uh,” he said between breaths. “You’re not getting away this time, baby.” He took both of my wrists in one hand and lifted his other hand, revealing a knife.
When he held it in front of my face, I started shaking.
“Please. Don’t. Please,” I begged.
Jason gave me an evil smile and let go of my wrists before rearing back and hitting me again. This time, he connected with my jaw. I felt something pop as my neck whipped to the side, and I fell to the floor again, but he wasn’t done. I saw him lift his boot, and he kicked me hard in the ribs, knocking all the wind out of me. I gasped for air, but nothing came in, and he kicked me again. I felt a shooting pain through my ribs as I finally pulled oxygen into my lungs. A whimper escaped my lips as I squeezed my eyes shut. The image of Marcus sitting on my bed, holding my gun, flashed in front of my eyes. I had to get it.
I tried getting on my hands and knees to crawl away, but Jason just kicked me again, and this time, I cried out as I felt another sharp pain in my ribs. Squatting beside me, Jason gripped my chin and forced me to look at him.
“Where’s your man now, you fucking cunt?” he spat at me.
That one statement was like a dagger tearing through my flesh, and I cried out in pain. He pulled my arm again and lifted me to my feet. I staggered forward, holding my side, as he pushed me down the hall toward my room.
“This is going to be fun,” he whispered in my ear.
Bile was rising into my throat. When he threw me down onto my bed, my purse fell off my arm and landed on the floor. Standing at the foot of the bed, Jason started to unbuckle his belt.
“No! Please!” I yelled as I scooted backward toward my headboard. I winced as I felt the ache in my ribs again.
He moved to close my bedroom door, and then he locked it. My room was dark, but I could see him in the stream of light coming in from the streetlamp outside. His jaw and his fist were clenched as he made his way to the side of the bed. I saw him rear back his fist, and I braced myself right before I felt him hit my temple. Then, everything went black.
I could hear something that sounded like water coming from my bathroom. I slowly turned my head, and I saw light streaming in from the open bathroom door. I could see Jason’s back. He was peeing. My hand quickly flew down to my pants, trembling, as I felt the button and zipper still closed. He didn’t rape me…yet.
My head was throbbing, making it hard to focus, but I knew this was my chance, and I had to take it. I quickly reached down to the second drawer of my nightstand, and I flipped open my gun case. With shaky hands, I grabbed my gun and magazine and loaded it. I clicked the safety off and slid onto the floor, frantically searching with my free hand to find my purse. When I felt it, I shook it upside down, spilling everything out. I heard the toilet flush at the exact time my hand found my phone. I stayed on the floor, but I aimed my gun at the bathroom door.
“Don’t fucking move!” I yelled, and I saw Jason‘s silhouette freeze.
He started to take a step forward, and I forced myself to stand up, keeping the gun aimed at him.
“I said, don’t fucking move!” I screamed.
Dropping my phone on the bed in front of me, I reached up and racked the slide back on my gun, so he knew I was serious, and had a loaded gun.
A second later, my phone started ringing Keeping my eyes on J
ason with my gun pointed at him, I picked up my phone and hit the speaker button.
“Hey, girl. You make it home, okay?”
It was Hailey.
“Hailey, call nine-one-one.”
“What?”
“Just call and tell them to send cops to my apartment. I was attacked, and I have my gun on him now.”
“Oh my god!”
“Now, Hailey!”
“Okay. Ohmigod. Okay.”
She hung up, and I held the gun in both of my shaking hands. Jason stood there, glaring at me, but I didn’t look away. Keeping my finger on the trigger, I forced my arms to stop shaking as I held the gun out in front of me.
“You gonna shoot me?” Jason asked, breaking the silence.
“Shut up.”
“You aren’t gonna shoot me,” he said, smiling at me.
“I said, shut the fuck up!” I yelled.
I shot a round into the ceiling above him. His entire body tensed, and he shut up.
It felt like an eternity later, but relief started to wash over me when I finally heard sirens outside.
I was lying in a bed. My body was stiff, and my face felt tight. As I slowly blinked my eyes open, I felt a warm heat on my right hand. I was in the hospital, and my breath quickened as I remembered why I was here. The painkillers must have put me to sleep. The last thing I remembered was getting an IV and the nurse telling me that my family was on their way.
When I squinted toward the bright light shining in through the windows to the left of the bed, I saw my dad standing there with his back to me as he looked out at the sky. I gently turned my head to the right and saw Shaun asleep in a chair at the foot of my bed.
That was when I felt the warmth on my hand move, and I turned to see Marcus sitting next to the bed with his hands on top of mine. His forehead was resting on our hands, and he lifted his head when he felt me moving. When he looked up, the pain in his eyes shot through me. He looked exhausted, like he hadn’t slept in days, and he smelled like liquor.
My mind told me to move my hand, but my heart made me keep it there.
“Hey,” I whispered.
He stared into my eyes. “Hey,” he whispered back.
In the corner of my eye, I saw my dad turn around. He rushed over to the side of the bed, and I turned to look at him. He seemed tired and worried, too.
“Hey, Dad,” I said a little louder, and my voice cracked.
“Hey, baby girl.” He rubbed the side of my face with the back of his fingers, giving me a small grin.
“I’m sorry I—”
“Shh,” my dad said as he moved his familiar fingers against my hair. “Don’t let me hear you apologize for this ever again, you understand?”
I gave him a small nod, and he moved his hand back to his side.
“You want something to eat? Some water?” he asked.
“Water would be good,” I croaked as I tried to sit up. As soon as I moved, I felt that shooting pain in my ribs again. I winced and fell back down onto the pillow.
“Don’t move, babe. Your ribs,” Marcus said as he shot up from his chair. He put out his hands like he wanted to help me, but he wasn’t sure how.
I looked up at him and gave him a small nod before I squeezed my eyes shut. I could feel tears coming as emotion swept over me. Having Marcus here with me brought all my pain back to the surface, and my chest tightened. It was hard having him here, acting like he cared about me but knowing he didn’t care enough to stay. It felt like being stranded alone in the ocean and watching a ship float past. My only options were to sink or swim, and I was tired of swimming. I was so tired. Maybe drowning wouldn’t be so bad.
“I’m gonna go get some water and let the nurses know you’re awake.” My dad told me.
He glanced over at Marcus before looking down at me.
“Okay.”
My dad leaned down and kissed me softly on the cheek. “I love you, baby girl,” he whispered.
“Love you, too,” I whispered back.
Marcus’s hand was back on mine. Our eyes met, and I squeezed his fingers.
“How did you know?” I tried to clear my throat. “I mean, how did they find you?”
Marcus’s eyebrows drew together, and he looked down at our hands. “Shaun called the shop and told them it was an emergency. They knew how to find me.”
I gave him a small nod and glanced at Shaun sleeping in the chair.
“Thank you for coming. I know you probably don’t want to be here, but I—”
Marcus shook his head and sat back down in the chair beside my bed. “I love you, Asia. I want to be here. I should have been with you last night. If I had been there—”
“Don’t, Marcus,” I said, cutting him off. “You can’t blame yourself for this. There’s no way you could have known.”
“I did know, Ais. I knew he was watching you. I knew he wanted to get back at you, but I got so caught up in my own shit that I didn’t think. I fucked up, and I’ll never forgive myself.”
“I’m okay, Marcus. I’ll be fine. Really. I survived.”
And I’m still drowning.
Marcus kept his eyes shut as he started breathing harder. His head dropped to kiss my thumb. “I’m so sorry, babe. I’m so sorry,” he whispered in a trembling voice.
Marcus looked up at me, and I could see red rimming his eyes as they glossed over with tears.
“I need you to forgive me, Asia. I need you to love me. I can’t live without you. I don’t want to live without you. I’ll do anything.”
I felt my heart throbbing in my chest as I recognized that pull again. Marcus was next to me, begging me to forgive him, but that hole in my heart was still there, wide open and bleeding. A tear fell down Marcus’s cheek, and I felt my own tears streaming down mine.
“I forgive you,” I whispered as I looked into his wet eyes. “But I can’t…”
Marcus gave me a small nod, and I let go of his hand to reach up and wipe the tear from his cheek.
“I love you, Marcus. I’ll always love you, but I need to learn to love myself.”
“I’ll wait,” he said as he moved his hand to curl my hair behind my ear.
I closed my eyes as I felt his touch. I thought I’d never feel that again, and now, it hurt more than it should.
That afternoon, I gave my report to a police officer who came to my room. My dad, Shaun, and Marcus all stayed as I told the officer everything that I remembered. When I described what Jason had done to me, I could see all of them stiffen as their faces grew tight.
Shaun muttered, “Fuck,” and started pacing the floor when I told the officer about the knife. Marcus ran his hands through his hair and punched the wall when I told him that Jason had taken me to my room. My dad stayed silent, but halfway through my story, he turned to look back out the window as he stared at the clouds.
“Were you sexually assaulted?” the police officer asked as he scribbled things down in his notepad.
I could feel the energy in the room turn raw and scary and I wrung my hands in my lap before muttering, “No.”
“Are you sure? You said you were unconscious at one point during the attack.”
I nodded and saw Marcus had started pacing the floor.
“My clothes weren’t messed with and I don’t feel like I was violated in that way at all.”
The officer nodded as he wrote more things in his notepad.
He told me he would be in touch and left me to get some rest.
I knew it had been hard for Marcus, Shaun, and my dad to hear, but I was glad I could tell my story just once. I was also relieved when the officer told me Jason had been on parole after serving time for manslaughter, and he and his fellow police officers were determined to make sure Jason stayed locked away this time.
When I was released from the hospital, my dad insisted I stay with him. He sent Marcus and Shaun to my apartment to get some of my things, and he made a spot for me on the couch in his living room, so I could watch TV. After eating some
soup and crackers, my dad gave me some painkillers, and I fell asleep on the couch as he sat in his recliner, watching baseball.
I woke up later to Shaun’s voice in my dad’s kitchen.
“You fucked up, Marcus, but you can’t blame yourself for this shit. Even if you were here, it still could’ve happened. I’m not pissed at you for that. I’m pissed at the way you dropped off the face of the fucking earth. We were all calling you. Why the fuck didn’t you pick up your phone?”
“I was going through some shit,” Marcus mumbled.
“Yeah, I know you were. All the more reason to pick up your fucking phone. You gotta stop trying to do everything on your own, Marcus. You have family here, and we care about you. When are you going to get that shit through your fucking head?”
“You hurt her, son,” my dad said. “I’ve never seen her like that before. She didn’t eat, she didn’t smile…she wasn’t herself.”
There was a long, heavy silence before Marcus replied.
“I know I fucked up, but I’m going to make it up to her. I love her, and if she’ll take me back, I promise I’ll never hurt her again.”
“Just give her time. She’ll take you back,” Shaun told him.
Then, there was silence again.
“I hope you’re right.”
I closed my eyes when I heard movement in the hallway approaching the couch. I felt someone standing next to me, pulling my blanket up over my chest. I opened my eyes, and Shaun was standing there. He smiled down at me and kneeled, so we were face-to-face.
“How you feelin’?”
“Okay,” I whispered.
“Rob and Alexis are on their way. They should be here soon.”
I nodded, and Shaun smiled at me again.
“I’m proud of you, Ais. I always knew you were tough, but you proved it last night. My little sister is a gunslingin’ gangsta.”