by Abel, E. M.
I started to giggle, but then I winced, feeling the sharp pain in my ribs.
“Oh, damn. Sorry.”
I closed my eyes and took a few deep breaths before giving Shaun a small smile. “You’re such an asshole.”
“Leave your sister alone. She needs her rest,” my dad said as he walked into the living room.
Marcus was following behind him with a glass of water in his hand. As soon as he entered the room, our eyes met. He gave me a small grin, and I grinned back. I felt a million unspoken words passing between us even though none of them were said.
He walked over to the side of the couch and held out the glass. “You thirsty?” he asked as he started to kneel down beside me.
Shaun got up and went to sit in the recliner.
I nodded as I slowly lifted myself up on my elbows. I gritted my teeth when I felt the pain in my side. I took the glass of water from Marcus, and I had a long sip. After I handed it back to him, I put my head back down on my pillow.
“So, how’s the shop doing?” I asked Marcus as he moved to set the glass down on the coffee table.
He sat down on the floor, leaning his back on the couch, as he looked over at me. “Good. Your shirts keep selling out.” He gave me another small smile, but it didn’t reach his eyes.
“I’m okay,” I whispered to him as I put my hand on his shoulder.
He twisted his neck and softly kissed one of my fingers.
“Hello?” Rob called from the front door.
“Hey, guys,” Dad answered as he walked toward them.
When Rob walked into the living room, he looked down at me, and his face automatically grew tight, a muscle twitching in his cheek, as he clenched his jaw.
“Hey, Rob,” I said.
His green eyes moved to mine. “Hey, sis.” He walked around the coffee table and leaned down to kiss my forehead. “How you doin’?”
“I’m okay.”
He lifted his head, and his eyes studied my face. “Shit,” he clipped as he straightened his back and started pacing the room with his hands on his hips.
Alexis walked over to me and gave me one of her warm smiles. “Hey Asia.”
I smiled back. “Hey, Alexis. How’s the baby doing?”
She nodded, her eyes lighting up. “Good. I’m exhausted and nauseous all the time, but the baby is great.” She smiled again.
It was nice to have someone not treat me like I was a fragile piece of glass, ready to break.
I returned her smile.
“Well, I’m going to order us some pizza. Shaun, why don’t you go pick up some beers and paper plates?” my dad said from the end of the couch.
Shaun stood up from the recliner and stretched before reaching in his pocket for his keys.
“Alexis, Asia, you girls want something specific to drink?” my dad asked us.
“Water is fine for me,” Alexis answered.
“I could use a Diet Coke,” I told my Dad.
“You got that?” he asked, looking over at Shaun.
“Yeah.” Shaun smiled at me before leaving the room.
Alexis turned to look down at me again. “I brought stuff to make cheesecake.” She gave me a bright smile. She knew I loved her cheesecake.
“Mmm, that sounds delicious.”
Alexis went into the kitchen to start on her cheesecake, and Rob went out to the back deck to talk to Dad. Marcus got up from the floor and moved to sit at the end of the couch. He was careful when he lifted my legs and put my feet in his lap. He started massaging my feet as he watched the baseball game on TV, but he didn’t seem to be focused on it.
“You okay?” I asked him.
He turned to look at me. “Yeah. Why?”
“I mean, with your mom…” I trailed off, not sure if I should go any further.
Marcus kept rubbing my feet as he looked at me. “I’m getting there.”
I nodded.
“You still planning on going to Japan next week?” Marcus asked.
“Yeah. I already got the ticket, and the doctor said I could go. I just have to be careful with sitting on the plane for so long. Those seats aren’t exactly comfortable.”
“I’ll upgrade your ticket to first class.”
“You don’t have to do that.”
“I want to.” Marcus squeezed my foot in his big hand as his eyes focused on mine.
“Okay,” I conceded, deciding not to argue with him even though I didn’t feel right about him spending his money on me.
A little while later, Shaun came in the front door with his hands full of beer, paper plates, and Diet Cokes. He took them to the kitchen, and I heard him and Rob talking until the doorbell rang.
“Must be the pizza,” Dad called out to the house.
“You want me to help you sit up?” Marcus asked. He let go of my feet and lifted my legs, so he could get up.
As Marcus moved the pillow behind my head to rest higher on the arm of the couch, we both looked up when my dad walked in with a bouquet of red roses. My lips parted as I took them in. There must have been three dozen deep red roses in his arms, and as soon as I saw them, I knew who they were from. My eyes flickered over to Marcus, and I saw him looking at the roses. When he finished fixing my pillow, he moved to straighten his back. My dad came toward me and placed the roses in my lap.
“Who are these from?” I asked although I knew the answer.
“I dunno. It came with a card,” he said, lifting his chin toward the white envelope sitting on top of the roses.
Looking down in my lap, I picked up the envelope and saw my name written on it. I opened it and read the note.
Just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I wanted to see you, but I didn’t want to impose. Call me if you need anything. Get well soon, beautiful.
Jay
When I finished reading the card, I looked up to see my dad and Marcus watching me.
“They’re from Jay,” I mumbled, looking down at my hands as I put the card back in its envelope. I didn’t look at Marcus, but I could feel the tension radiating off of him.
“Who’s Jay?” my dad asked.
I looked up at him. “Just a friend,” I told my dad before glancing up at Marcus.
He was looking at the roses in my lap with his jaw clenched. When I looked back toward my dad, I knew he felt the tension, too.
“Well, I’ll just go put these in water for you then,” he said as he came and took the flowers from my lap.
“Thanks, Dad.”
Once my dad was out of the room, I was desperate to get Marcus’s mind off of the fact that Jay had sent me roses.
“Will you help me?” I asked.
He seemed to be deep in thought as his eyes moved to mine.
“I have to use the bathroom,” I said, giving him a sheepish grin.
He nodded and bent down. Putting one arm behind my back and the other under my knees, he carefully picked me up off the couch, cradling me in his arms. I put my arms around his neck as he carried me up the stairs toward my dad’s big bathroom.
“Did you guys bring my toothbrush?” I asked.
“Yeah, all your stuff is in the spare room.”
“You don’t have to carry me, you know? My legs are fine.” I smiled up at him.
Marcus grinned back. “I know.”
When we got to the bathroom, Marcus set me softly down on my feet.
“I’ll go get your stuff.”
He left me standing on the cold tile floor. I stayed there with my back to the mirror, and I could feel my hands starting to shake. When Marcus came back with one of my backpacks, he stopped in the doorway, his eyebrows drawing together.
“What’s wrong?”
I bit my bottom lip as I felt tears stinging my eyes.
“I’m scared,” I whispered as I stared at Marcus’s shoes.
Marcus dropped my bag on the floor and came closer. He wrapped his big arms around me and carefully pressed our bodies together. He was so warm.
“It’s ok
ay, babe. Why are you scared?”
I closed my eyes, gripping Marcus’s back in my hands.
“I’m scared to look in the mirror,” I whispered into his chest as I felt a tear fall.
Marcus pulled me in tighter, still careful not to hurt me, as he took a deep breath in through his nose. “Shh, it’s okay. I’m here. I’m here,” he whispered.
I fisted my hands in his shirt. “I can’t go back there, Marcus. I don’t know what I’m gonna do. I can’t go back there,” I said, my voice cracking as more tears streamed down my cheeks.
Marcus ran his fingers through my hair. “You don’t have to, Asia. Don’t worry. I’ll take care of it.”
He held my shoulders and pulled me back to look in my eyes. I sniffed and bit my bottom lip as I looked up at him.
“Everything’s going to be okay, Asia. I promise. That asshole isn’t going to touch you again, you hear me? I’ll take care of you.”
I closed my eyes again and nodded. Marcus gently turned my shoulders, forcing me to turn around. I kept my eyes shut, and I felt him lean down, his warm breath sweeping against my neck.
“Open your eyes, babe. It’s okay,” he whispered.
I took a deep breath and opened my eyes. My breath caught in my throat as they moved over my reflection in the mirror.
I had a dark purple bruise along my left jawbone, and it was swollen. My left cheekbone had a large knot with a cut just below my eye, and a large blue-and-purple bruise surrounded it. I took another deep breath before I looked into my eyes.
As I studied them, I realized they were the same. Under all those bruises, I was still the same person—just Asia. I felt a calmness sweep over me as I lifted my eyes to meet Marcus’s. He gave me a warm grin and squeezed my arms in his hands. As I looked into his eyes, I saw the sadness was still there, and that hole in my heart began to throb.
“Why won’t you let me in?” I asked as I stared into his hazel-green eyes.
He looked at my mouth in the mirror. “Asia—”
“Look at me, Marcus,” I said, cutting him off.
His eyes moved back to mine.
“I can’t love you if you don’t let me in. Don’t you see that? You can’t live your entire life, protecting yourself from the people who love you, and you can’t say you love me if you aren’t willing to give yourself to me. All of you.”
Marcus opened his mouth to speak, but I wasn’t finished.
“I can’t keep giving my heart to you if you aren’t willing to do the same. I can’t go through that again, Marcus. You broke me.” I closed my eyes and took a deep breath in through my nose as I tilted my head down toward the sink.
I opened my eyes again and stared at the faucet as I whispered, “You broke me, Marcus. And if you did it again, I don’t think I’d survive it.”
Marcus pulled on my arm, trying to turn me around, but I didn’t let him. I couldn’t look at him. I was afraid if I did, my will would break, and I would have nothing left.
“Asia—”
“I need to take a shower,” I murmured to the sink.
Marcus let go of my arm. “I love you,” he said before he turned and left me alone.
I closed my eyes tight before looking back at myself in the mirror. Eventually, my wounds would heal, and I would love me, too.
Thirty-six days later…
I went to Japan to find my mom, but I ended up finding so much more. I found me. As my body began to heal, so did my heart. I knew when it was done, it would have its scars, but I was okay with that.
Most of the past month, I spent talking to Miko about my mom and exploring Japan, alone, taking everything in. I had weeks with no distractions, weeks with nothing but my thoughts and memories.
Japan was just as beautiful as I remembered. The smells, the sights, and the sounds catapulted me back to a time in my life when things had been simple and happy. Everything reminded me of my mom and the unconditional love I’d felt in her presence.
I found out that my mom and I had a lot in common. She had been different, a rebel growing up in Japan. Her way of thinking hadn’t been encouraged. The only difference was that my mom hadn’t let that stop her. She’d been fearless in everything, especially love.
Miko said when my mom met my dad, her entire family had been against it. They had said she was shaming them when she chose to move away with a man that didn’t marry her. I found out that my dad had wanted to marry her, and she’d said no. She’d said she wanted to find herself first. She’d wanted to be whole before she gave herself to someone.
That was when my entire world shifted. That was when I started to see my mother in my eyes again, and that was when I knew she had never left.
I hadn’t spoken to Marcus since that day in my dad’s bathroom. When I got out of the shower, he had left. I never called him, and he never called me. It hurt, but I had to let it go. I couldn’t keep giving myself to someone who wasn’t ready to do the same. I thought about him all the time, remembering those months we had together. I tried to imagine what my life would be like if things were less complicated, if we were both free from the pain and fear that held us back, but maybe those were the things that had connected us.
When I was with Marcus, I had tasted that freedom. That night on the beach when he told me he loved me, I had caught a glimpse of a life that I wanted. Even if that was all he could give me, it would have been far more than I could have ever asked for. If that night with Jason taught me anything, it had taught me that life was precious, and there was no time to waste.
I was sitting in first class, staring out my window at the clouds passing by. I was going home. While I was gone, Shaun and Dad had packed up my apartment and moved everything into storage. They’d talked to my landlord, and since my lease was up in a month, she’d agreed to let me out early. So, come to think of it, I didn’t actually have a home at the moment, but I would stay with my dad until I found one.
When I walked out of customs with my suitcases, I saw my dad waiting for me. He gave me a big smile as he started walking toward me with his arms held out. When he embraced me in a warm hug, I pressed my cheek to his chest as I took in his smell.
“I missed you, baby girl,” he said as he tightened his arms around me.
“I missed you, too.”
Pulling back, my dad held my biceps in his hands as he looked me over. “You look different…better.” He gave me another warm smile.
“I am better.” I smiled up at him. “Miko says hello.”
My dad reached down, taking my suitcases off the floor. “Oh yeah? How is she?”
“Good. I told her she should come visit us sometime.”
My dad nodded as he walked with me toward the airport parking lot.
“I’d love to see her.”
When we got to my dad’s truck, he put my suitcases in the back, and we got into the cab.
The sun was setting, making the sky turn pink, and the air was cool. I looked at the skyline as he started the engine.
“She loved you, you know?”
My dad was grabbing his seat belt, but he stopped to turn and look at me.
“Mom. She loved you, and I know she would want you to be happy. I know you think you lost her, Dad, but she’s here. She’s always been here.”
He didn’t say anything. He just looked out the windshield. He closed his eyes for a moment, and then he opened them and gave me a small nod before buckling his seat belt.
We were silent as my dad drove us to his house. When we got there, I saw Shaun’s car parked on the curb, and I smiled. As my dad parked his truck in the driveway, Shaun walked out of the front door.
“Puffy!” he shouted at me as he jogged down the stone walkway leading to the truck.
“Hey, Pooky.” I gave him a big smile.
He narrowed his eyes at me right before he wrapped me up in a big hug. When he let go, he took a step back and smiled down at me.
“So? How was it?”
“Amazing. You really need to go back.
It’s so much better when you’re older, so you can really appreciate it.”
“Yeah, I bet.”
“Oh, and Miko told me to tell you that you’re welcome to stay with her anytime if you wanted to go.”
“She hot?” he asked, giving me a wicked smile.
I rolled my eyes. “You’re so fucking gross.”
“What?”
“She’s mom’s cousin!”
“I was just asking if she was hot. It’s not like I would try anything. What’s wrong with looking?”
I laughed and shook my head. “You’re twisted, Shaun.”
He put his arm around my shoulders as he walked me toward the house. “You have no idea just how twisted I am, little sister.”
“Let’s keep it that way,” I muttered, looking up at him and raising my eyebrows in a warning.
When I got inside, my phone started ringing in my purse.
“Hey, Hailey.”
“Asia! I miss you! How was your trip?”
“I miss you, too. It was awesome. I’ll have to show you all the pictures I took. How are things going with the wedding?”
“Ugh, Jamie is being such a pain in the ass. All the girls agreed on a dress, but she keeps complaining about it. She’s driving me fucking nuts!”
I laughed as I put my purse down on the couch. “Have you heard from Nick? He was supposed to be making our reservations for next weekend.”
“Yeah, he took care of it. I’m so excited! I already have a hundred dollars in ones in my purse!”
I tilted my head back and laughed again. “You’re so crazy, girl.”
“After this past month, I need a vacation. I’m ready!”
“Well, there’s only two weeks left, and then you’ll be Mrs. John Tucker,” I said, smiling.
“I know! I can’t believe it! I’m so ready!”
“No cold feet, huh?”
“Nope.”
“Good. Then, I don’t have to worry about pushing you down the aisle.”
Hailey laughed, and I thought about how much I missed hearing that sound.
“I love you, girl.”
“Love you, too, Ais.”
After I hung up with Hailey, I walked onto the back deck where Dad and Shaun were sitting and drinking beers. I sat down in one of the plastic chairs and took in the view of my dad’s backyard.