Lyric

by Regina Frame

  I broke down, there in the doctor's office, for the first time since my dad passed. Peyton wrapped her arms around me and held me close, until I wiped away the last tear. Once I was able to get myself together, we discussed what was really best for my mother.

  Hospice. Twenty-four hour around the clock care, and meds to keep her comfortable, because you see. The doctor told me that she might have a month left, if we were lucky. I felt like a zombie when we left the office that day. Peyton took all of the information from the nurse, regarding which agency would be coming to the house, along with a few other items that we'd need to purchase. I didn't know what I would have done without my girl, because I was of no use right now.

  Peyton

  I

  woke to a light tapping on the bedroom door. I cracked one eye open and realized that it was barely light outside.

  "Peyton," Levi said in a low voice from the other side of the door. I padded across the room and opened up, to find Levi leaning on the doorframe.

  "Get dressed. There's somewhere I'd like to take you this morning,” he said in a quiet voice. My guess was, so that he didn't disturb his mom's rest. She'd been so sick the day before, with vomiting and chills from her recent chemo treatment.

  I looked into his sad, tired eyes and said, "I'll meet you downstairs in ten minutes."

  He gave me a nod and then disappeared down the stairs. I grabbed a pair of jeans and a long-sleeve t-shirt, because this early in the morning, the air tended to have a chill to it.

  I made my way downstairs and found, Levi, in the kitchen with a black backpack and a silver thermos in his hand. We said nothing. I could tell by the look on his face, that he was really struggling this morning. We were friends, and friends were there for each other in a time of need. Right now, he needed me, and I was there in any way needed. I followed him outside to a garage-type building at the back of the property. He placed his hand on the doorknob and looked at me, with what I knew were tears in his eyes, but he quickly blinked them away.

  "I thought we'd go for a ride this morning. There's someplace I'd like to show you."

  "Okay," I nodded and gave him a warm smile. He walked over to a large, black, and yellow, four-wheeler and jammed the key into place. He climbed on and then patted the seat behind him.

  "Climb on," he said and handed me the thermos, of what I'm guessing was coffee, this early in the morning. I positioned myself behind him and wrapped my free arm around his waist, as he backed out of the garage and headed down a tree-lined path leading away from the house. I was right, the weather was cool this morning and bit at my cheeks as we rode the bumpy path. After a short ride, he turned right into a clearing and a mist-covered pond came into view. It was beautiful and breathtaking. It reminded me of something out of a movie.

  "Where are we?" I asked, as Levi shut off the motor to the four-wheeler. He stood on the pegs and held his hand out to me for added stability so that I could climb off the back. He quietly reached for my hand and led me over to a large smooth rock at the edge of the water. He pulled me down beside him, where we sat silent for a moment, just staring out over the smooth glassy water where a mother and her ducklings sat. It was so quiet, that when he finally spoke, I jumped slightly.

  "My dad used to bring me here to fish when I was little. He did it every day for as long as I can remember." And right on queue the plopping sound of a fishing jumping in the water sounded as the sun was rising above the trees. My stomach knotted into a painful ball at the mention of his father because he'd told me that he lost his dad at a young age." I had that little, red Spider-Man pole, which my dad bought at the local hardware store. I remembered I was so excited when he brought it home that afternoon. He packed us a picnic and grabbed his tackle box and we headed for this pond. We came every chance we got which was just about every day after he got home from work. It didn't matter what kind of day he'd had. He always made time for me. He was my idol." He said, with pride in his voice. He pulled the backpack from his shoulders and unzipped it and handed me two travel mugs.

  "Here, You pour the coffee and I'll get the rest." He reached into the bag and pulled out what looked like two breakfast sandwiches and handed me one.

  "Thank you," I said. "Your father sounded like a wonderful man." I added, my voice soft.

  "He worked as a policeman in our town so he worked some long hours, but I knew that no matter what time of day or how stressful his day had been, we'd fish. I remember waiting for him everyday beside the front door, staring through the glass. I'd be holding that silly little red pole waiting for his cruiser to pull into the driveway." He paused for a moment and swallowed hard. When his eyes met mine, there were un-shed tears in his pools of blue.

  I wanted to wrap my arms around him to comfort him but he spoke again. "I remember the last time, like it was yesterday." Oh, God. I had a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach and my heart broke for this man. "I was waiting by the door when that cruiser pulled into our driveway only it wasn't my dad this time. It was the chief and some other officer. I stared at them through the glass door as they told my mom that my dad wasn't coming home." A tear rolled down his cheek.

  "He'd been caught in crossfire at a robbery. He was hit in the head. You know I've always thought about the bullet proof best they wear while their head is unprotected." He paused a moment and stared down at his feet. "I watched my mom fall to her knees on the sidewalk as she screamed and cried. They were finally able to help her inside, but I remember that I couldn't move. It was like I was frozen in place. I remember screaming in my head, but no sound was coming out of my mouth. My voice was gone. I didn't speak again for a whole year. Not one sound." He said, looking up to meet my eyes. His blue eyes were full of pain and sorrow.

  "Levi, I'm so sorry," I said, reaching out and touching his arm. "I-I don't even . . ." He interrupted me before I could finish my sentence.

  "My mom took me to all kinds of doctors, therapist and speech specialist, but nothing helped. One therapist said that my inability to speak was my way of dealing with the shock of losing my dad. Said, it was kind of like PTSD in a child even though I didn't witness the actual shooting. I just remembered how my mom fell apart. He was my world. I looked up to him in every way. I wanted to be just like him, but my world was turned upside down and I didn't know how to deal with it. All I knew was that he was there for breakfast and after that . . . He was gone. I never had the chance to tell him how much I loved him. I never got to say goodbye."

  "Mom would lie down with me at night and sing me to sleep. I remember how comforting and peaceful her voice was to me. And then she walked into my room one day while I was playing with my Legos and was singing one of the bedtime songs that she always sang to me." He looked away for a moment and took another deep breath. "I still remember the smile on her face. She wrapped me in her arms and cried happy tears."

  "She enrolled me in some music classes, where I took voice lessons and learned to play the guitar. It was a form of therapy for me and it stuck. I found my voice and I've never had such peace as I do when I'm singing. I sing knowing that it makes her happy." He sat his stainless steel travel mug on the ground and roughly scrubbed his palms over the knees of his worn jeans before resting his elbows on his knees and pulling at his blond hair desperately.

  "I can't believe that I'm losing her too." He turned his head and blue eyes met my gray ones as a tear rolled down his cheek. "What did I do to deserve this?" His voice cracked with pain as he uttered the words and my heart broke into a million pieces for him. How could he possibly think that his mother being sick had anything to do with him? He stood from the rock where we were sitting at stared out over the pond where the baby ducks now swam in a circle.

  “I owe her everything. She devoted her entire life to me and what did I give her in return? A bunch of stories in the tabloids about how much of a screw up her son turned out to be. She knows all about my drinking and whoring around. The fights I've been in, why? Because I'm a selfish asshole, and now, I'm
losing her to cancer—Fucking Cancer! She doesn't deserve this. She lost my father, her soul mate and then devoted her life to giving me everything that I could ever want or need and this is how she's repaid. I let myself get caught up in lifestyle of the rich and famous and only worried about what me, myself and I. I'm as fucking low as they come." He said and chucked a rock at a low hanging branch that hung out over the water.

  "It should be me lying in that bed suffering right now, not her. I'm fucking angry—angry with Cancer and angry with God. How could he let this happen to her? She's had to sit back and watch my life spiral out of control through the tabloids and the paparazzi. I haven't even had the decency to pick up the phone and call my saint of a mother in months! Do you think she's held that against me? No! Do you know what she said to me this morning? She took my hand and told me how proud she was of me. She said that all she wanted for me, was to find love and to be happy, the way she and my dad were." He stared into my eyes, his breath ragged, as tears streamed down his cheeks.

  I took his hands in mine, laced our fingers together, and gave them a little squeeze to ensure that I had his attention. "How could you ever think that any of this is because of you? Your dad didn't die because of you and your mom didn't get cancer because you became a famous rock star. Your dad was a brave man who went to a job every day to serve and protect. It's a horrible thing, which happened to him, but he died doing something that he loved and felt passionate about which was protecting others and your mother didn't get cancer because of the spotlight that you live under. Just like my mother being a strung out meth-head has nothing to do with the fact that I left home to better my life and Levi, you've changed from the rock star you started out to be. You're not that man anymore. You're kind, caring and giving and I could go on and on, but I guess what I'm trying to say is that, 'bad things happen to good people.

  “We can't control any of it; it's not in our power to do so. Levi, she knows you love her. She's never doubted it for a minute. She's proud of the man you've become. She told you that herself. What you need to do for her now is just be there." He lifted one of my hands, kissed the inside of my wrist, and looked at me with dull, blue eyes, eyes filled with unshed tears.

  "I love you Peyton." He leaned his forehead against mine and another tear rolled down his stubbly cheek.

  "I love you too, Levi." I wiped away a tear with my thumb. "I'm here for you and your mom. You know that, right? Whatever you need me to do . . ." His mouth crashed down on mine and he pulled me onto his lap.

  "Never leave me," he requested against my lips.

  "Never," I repeated. I didn't know how long we sat there on that rock, just holding onto each other, but the sun was high in the sky and it's rays beat down on us in full force. "We should probably head back to check on your mom. The nurse is probably there by now and I'm sure you'll want to discuss your mom's treatment plan with her."

  "Yeah, you're right. I also want to talk to my mom to let her know that I spoke with her doctor and that I now know everything that she was afraid to tell me." He said, his voice coming out strained as he shoved our things into the empty backpack. "I need to call Jinx to and let the guys know what's going on." I grabbed his hand and we walked back to the four-wheeler in silence. Once we arrived back at the house, I went to my room to catch up on some work and gave Levi and his mom time alone.

  Levi

  I

  stood outside my mom's bedroom door for what seemed like hours before I worked up the courage to knock.

  "Come in." I heard her say.

  When I stepped into the room, she looked even frailer than she did earlier. Her skin more yellowed and there were now dark circles under her eyes. "Is there anything that I can get for you, mom?" I walked over and sat on the side of the bed where she was propped up on two pillows, thumbing through an old tabloid magazine. The kind of magazine you buy from the racks closest to the register.

  "I really like Peyton," she announced as she stared down at a picture in the magazine. "So much better than this one," she said, tapping her finger on the page. I looked down to see whom she was referring to. It was a picture of Nina and me taken at an after-party; right after the band hit it big. I quickly found out that Nina was a fame whore. She'd attached herself to the next hottest thing if she thought it would get her somewhere. She wanted to get into modeling and she used anyone she thought could help get her there. She's a beautiful woman, I'd give her that, but her heart was as black as they came. Nina loved no one but Nina.

  "I love Peyton, Mom," I admitted.

  "I can tell." She looked up at me and smiled weakly.

  I smiled back and asked curiously, "How could you tell?"

  "I see it in your eyes, the way the two of you look at each other. It's as if the sun rises and sets within each other. I can feel the love and energy flowing between you two, when you're in the same room. It's the same kind of love that your father and I had." That made me smile, but broke my heart at the same time.

  "Mom, there's something I need to talk to you about." She folded the old magazine and laid it on the nightstand beside the bed. My stomach knotted and I felt as if I was going to vomit, but we needed to have this talk. "I spoke with your doctor. I'm sorry for not asking your permission, but I love you and I just wanted to be sure that everything was being done that could be done." I said. Her expression changed and tears filled her eyes. "I'm sorry!" I was quick to say again, but she held up her hand a clear indication for me to stop talking.

  "So you know how bad it is, then." I nodded in admission and my heart broke a little. "Son, I'm sorry that I didn't tell you the whole truth earlier, but I didn't want to see the look of heartbreak that I'm seeing right now. I guess even though, they told me there's nothing to be done and that chemo wouldn't work, I still wanted to try. I wanted to try for you." She placed her cold hand on top of mine where it rested on the bedside.

  "I can understand that mom and part of me wants to be selfish and say, "Take all the treatments that you can, in hopes there is some miracle. I want to keep you around as long as I can, but at what risk? The chemo is making your symptoms worse. It's going to wear your body down sooner than later and make you feel worse than you should. I'm telling you that I'm okay with whatever you choose to do. If you want the treatments, I'm behind you one hundred percent or if you want to stop the treatments and take the medicine prescribed to keep ease your pain and keep you comfortable, I'm okay with that to." I gripped her hand and watched as my mom's face changed to one of peace. She looked me in the eye, and said something I only thought I was prepared to hear. Boy, was I wrong.

  "I'm ready to go be with your dad. I've missed him for so long. It's time for us to be together again," she said and gripped my hand a little tighter. “I'm going to call the doctor and ask that they send hospice out and that they should cancel my chemo treatments. I know you're hurting Levi, but I can die peacefully knowing that you have someone who loves you very much." She smiled up at me with tears in her eyes. "I hope that you two will have days filled with love and laughter, like the ones I had with your dad. Promise me that you won't let her get away," she demanded. "She loves you with her whole heart. Trust me."

  "I promise," I said, fighting back my tears. I couldn't believe my mom just told me that she was ready to die. I was not okay with that. I. Was. Not. Okay. With. That. "You just rest, I'll make the calls for you." I stood, bent at the waist, and kissed her forehead. She nodded her head and closed her eyes to rest. I stepped from the room and closed the door behind me.

  I walked into the kitchen, where I found Peyton sitting, drinking a glass of water. She looked up at me with such tenderness and understanding in her eyes. My mom had never been more right. Peyton did love me with her whole heart and it shone through, loud and clear. I pulled my cell from my back pocket and made the calls, I said that I'd make. By the time I'd made the last one, Peyton was across the room and had me wrapped in her arms. I hugged her tight. We stood there wrapped in one another in total silence, beca
use no words were needed between us. Our hearts were doing all the talking.

  Peyton

  One Week Later

  "Jinx,

  It's Peyton. I have some bad news." I sniffled through the phone. "Levi's mom passed in the night, last night," I told him.

  "I'll call everyone and we'll be there soon." he said and hung up. That's the way it was with Jinx. He was a man of few words, but he got things done. No wonder he'd been running things by himself for the past couple of years. And just as he'd promised, an hour later, I answered the door to find four band members and Honesty standing on the front steps of Levi's, Mom's home.

  "How is he?" Jinx asked, sitting his duffle beside the entry door.

  "He's quiet. He's not really saying much. I've tried talking with him, but, he . . ." I just shrugged, because I really didn't know what else to say.

  "It's okay honey." Honesty wrapped her arms around my neck and gave me a comforting squeeze. "He's just going to need time and all you can do is be there for him, even if it's just being in the same room for him. Trust me. I went through something similar, with a cousin of mine. He'll talk when he feels like it. Right now he's just trying to process everything," she assured me.

  "Have you called security?" Chance asked, from where he stood across the room.

  "Security?"

  "Yeah, we’re gonna need it. Once the paparazzi get wind that his mom's passed, they'll swarm this place.”

  I frowned. “Oh, darn! I hadn't even thought about that.”