The Bad Boy’s Heart

by Holden, Blair

  Beth snorts. “Yes, I almost beat the shit out of my boyfriend because he tried to spoon me. In my defense, I’d worked a twelve-hour shift and was completely knocked out when Mr. I-like-cuddling-unsuspecting-people tried to make a move on me.”

  My eyes start to water at the image; of course, Travis hadn’t mentioned that Beth had given him a black eye.

  “Well, at least you get to spend the night with your boyfriend. Alex and I hardly ever get to do that with our roommates around.”

  I hadn’t quite realized how lucky I am that Cole found an apartment and didn’t live in the dorms because, given the struggle we have now to spend time together, it’d be a nightmare if that were the case.

  “But you guys still find time to hang out, right?”

  Alex plays for the state university’s football team, and if anyone knows and understands the pressures of dating a jock, it’s Megan. I’ve confided in her a lot because Beth tends to dismiss my insecurities as being stupid. I like to think that if she’d been with Travis in high school, she’d understand my situation much better.

  “It’s really hard to find time between studying and work, but we make it work. Alex is…” she sighs dreamily, “he’s perfect for me. I never thought a guy would put up with how neurotic I can get about school, but he’s so understanding. I know how frustrated he feels when I cancel plans because I need to complete a paper, edit an essay, study for a test, whatever, but he never shows it, even if I miss a game. So, we’re okay; we’re going to be okay.”

  We’re quiet for a bit, trying to process the seriousness of the moment and trying to process how far we’ve come. At this point last year, I was struggling to come to terms with my feelings for Cole, still held back by the opinions of other people and haunted by my abandonment issues. My friends suffered right alongside me, for something they never deserved to be punished for, but they stuck by me. We’re at such different places right now, but it feels like the only thing that’s changed is how we feel about ourselves.

  “Wow, who would’ve thought we’d have relationships, much less relationship problems.” Beth echoes my thoughts. “Who knew I’d not only fall in love with someone but end up moving in with him, too; it’s crazy.”

  “But crazy good, right? I’ve never seen you or my brother happier.” I hug me knees to my chest, wrapping my arms around them. The charms in my bracelet glitter under the lights, and I’m blinded once again by the sight of the ring.

  “I am, you know, happier than I’ve ever been in my life. Sometimes it feels too good to be true; yeah, I had a rough year, and it’s still difficult to remember to breathe at times.” She stops, blinks rapidly, trying to get rid of her tears like she always tries to do. Beth’s mom passed away in a drunk driving accident over six months ago, and despite the fact that she doesn’t like talking about it, we know she still battles guilt over her death every single day since it happened. My brother’s been really good for her; he knows a lot about using communication as a means to fight those feelings of helplessness, and he’s definitely done a great job of making Beth be at peace with what happened.

  She clears her throat and chucks a pillow at me. “Now that you’re done psychoanalyzing me, tell me about these Yolandas that seem to be sucking the joy right out of you.”

  It feels a bit petty now to whine about something that doesn’t really require whining. I need to remind myself about how lucky Cole and I are to have each other and to have the opportunity to be together, so the Yolandas can keel over and die; I’m not bothered.

  “Wait, who’s Yolanda?”

  We turn our heads to see Cole and Travis standing at the door. Ignoring Cole’s question, I run over and hug my brother tightly. I’d missed him so badly, especially these last few days.

  “So good to see you, Tess.” He hugs me back before we release each other. Looking at him just fills me with warmth and a sense of family and home.

  “I just can’t get over you not living here.” It feels so weird, even though it shouldn’t. He’s twenty-two now, more than old enough to live with his girlfriend and not under his parents’ roof. And even though I’m not home most of the time, it feels so strange to come here and not have him in the room down the hall.

  “I think we should both be glad that I’m not down the hall anymore.”

  It doesn’t come as a surprise when Cole and I both hit him, and Beth throws yet another pillow.

  ***

  The girls and I go out to the local grocery store to stock up on our favorite items for our sleepover. Five bags of junk food and a handful of DVDs later, we’re setting up in my bedroom when I hear Cole call for me. He’s been out with Travis and Alex, presumably doing guy stuff. I dare not suggest he include Jay in his plans.

  “Hey, what’s up?”

  “Cute PJ’s, Tessie.”

  Yes, they’re the Scooby-Doo ones I still get horribly embarrassed by in front of Cole. There are some things your boyfriend doesn’t need to see you wearing; pajamas that make you look twelve would be one of them.

  “I thought you were spending the night at Travis’s?” I walk down the stairs cautiously as he extends his hand toward me. When I reach him, he pulls me closer and tucks me under his chin. I have a feeling I’m not about to hear the greatest news.

  “You know how we have a really important game next week?”

  Uh-oh.

  “Please don’t say what I think you’re going to say.” I start to pull away but he only holds on tighter.

  “You know I don’t want to leave, right? But the guys want to practice, watch tapes. They have these unofficial practices all the time and…”

  “You have to go.” I try not sounding angry. It’s okay; I mean, it’s not like we won’t see each other again come Monday. But that’s the thing, we haven’t been able to see each other a lot, not with his crazy practice schedule and me trying to keep up with my classes. I wanted to have this weekend so that we could catch up, and I would be able to get rid of this nagging feeling in the pit of my stomach, but clearly that’s not going to happen.

  “Do you have to go now?”

  “Yeah, all day tomorrow as well.” He bites his lip and looks at me worriedly, afraid that I’ll freak out, but hey, talking to Megan has made me try to deal with this situation differently. Instead of being mad, I’ll be cool, calm, and collected.

  Because that’s just who I am, right?

  “Oh, okay, I’ll get Travis to give me ride then.”

  “No! I wasn’t going to just leave you here. I’ll come back for you on Sunday; we can go together.”

  I move away from him and lean against a wall, crossing my arms over my chest protectively.

  “You’ll be tired, and it’s pointless for you to make the same trip four times. I’ll manage.”

  “No,” he comes closer, cups my cheek in his hand, “You’re mad; please, don’t be mad. I can come take you, it’s—”

  “Not a big deal, Cole.” I force a smile and place a hand against his chest, silently pushing him away. “Duty calls. You have to go, and I don’t want you to have to worry about me, so go. I’m not mad; I just think this is a good thing, right? I get to spend some more time with the girls.”

  He backs away and has the nerve to look wounded.

  “If that’s what you want, then yeah, just let me know if you need the ride.”

  Still looking hurt, he walks away from me, toward the front door, and I feel like I should say something to try to salvage this disaster.

  “Am I still having dinner with your parents tomorrow?” I call out in a moment of utter stupidity.

  “Do whatever you want, Tessie.”

  He slams the door when he leaves.

  Jesus Christ, what am I even doing right now?

  ***

  “That did not sound good.” Beth stands by my door with a hand placed on her hip, looking quite intimidating.

  “Did you guys hear all of it?”

  “Well, you weren’t exactly being subtle. What the h
ell was that about?”

  “Nothing, it was stupid. He wanted to come pick me up on Sunday, and I didn’t because gas is expensive, you know?” I feel the hysteria building up inside me. “We’re good.”

  “And are we just supposed to overlook the fact that you’re shaking like crazy, or that Cole slammed the door so loud, your next-door neighbor heard the noise?” Megan grabs my trembling palm to show me.

  “I said it’s nothing. We fight at times; all couples do, right?”

  “Yeah, they do, but Cole goes the extra mile to try to not let that happen, not after everything. So, what’s this about?”

  Deep breaths, Tessa, just don’t have a panic attack and we’ll be fine.

  “I…I…try so hard to keep up with the person he’s becoming, the person other people think he is. Most of the time, it feels like they’d do anything to get rid of me, and that’s not the part that has me terrified. I know he loves me, I know he’ll never do anything to hurt me on purpose, but everything’s changed so much. I’m worried that I’ll hurt him because I can’t handle it.”

  They’re both quiet for a while as I process my own thoughts. I may have overreacted with Cole, but I have my reasons. Recently, it’s starting to happen more and more often that he has commitments that cause him to cancel our plans, and I know that he hates it, but I’m getting tired of being disappointed all the time.

  It tends to take a toll on you.

  The girls attempt to distract me for the remainder of the night, and I try not to let my dark mood affect what’s supposed to be a great time. I also do my damned best not to check my phone, but in the early hours of the morning, when my friends are asleep, I do check it and am once again flooded with disappointment when I see absolutely nothing.

  On Saturday, I try not to mope around and instead go to the mall with Megan and Beth. Let’s just say my credit card sees some major action, because there’s no therapy like retail therapy. Of course, I would never be able to afford the things I buy on my own meager savings, but my parents’ guilt money is definitely put to good use.

  Those shoes will definitely keep me company in the long, cold winter. And yes, times like these are when I unleash my inner hoarder.

  “Why do you need…” Megan pauses to count the contents of my cart, “Fifteen jars of Nutella and eight pints of ice cream?”

  “Isn’t it obvious, Meg, Tess here is about to embark on a pilgrimage. One where she finds her true self by getting diabetes and a permanent sugar high, possibly some tooth decay.”

  Ignoring them, I scour the aisle for more supplies. I need sugar and I need it stat; I also need to buy a pie for Cassandra.

  I will go to that dinner, and I will go proudly bearing pie. Yup, the blueberry one that is Jay’s favorite, I hope he Instagrams the shit out of it so that his meathead brother notices.

  I’ve moved on from moping to anger at this point. How dare he bail on me repeatedly and expect me to be patient and understanding all the time? I’ve taken off my pretty dress and makeup enough times for it to hurt quite a lot, so he’ll just have to suck it up and deal with my reaction.

  “Wait, do you really need the extra-large can of whipped cream?”

  Yes, yes, I do.

  Dinner goes reasonably well, and I try my hardest not to get myself banned from future dinner invitations. It’s always nice to see Cassandra, who’d been like a mother to me when mine bailed. Sheriff Stone is an intimidating man, something his job requires, but it’s quite easy to guess where Cole gets his charm from. Once you win the man’s approval, the sheriff is just about as hard not to like as his son is.

  Speaking of his son, Cole’s rarely mentioned after an awkward slip from Jay, who, as per usual, is clueless as to my feelings. It’s embarrassing to know that the Stones know about our fight, but they never bring it up, and Cassandra even gives me a casserole to take home, so I take it as a good sign.

  Jay offers to walk me home.

  He still looks the same, and it’s extraordinary how those looks do nothing for me now. His hair’s too blond, his eyes are the completely wrong shade of blue, and his smile lacks that deviousness that makes my insides do backflips.

  God, I miss Cole.

  “Do you want to talk about it?” He shoves his hands deep inside his pockets and walks leisurely besides me, when all I want to do is race to my bedroom and hide inside my blankets.

  Cringing, I give him a weak smile. “Not really.”

  “Well, you know where to find me if you need to talk. Also, if you need someone to drive you to school…”

  I pause, because seriously, how is it that he still says these things?

  “You and I both know how well that’s going to go down.”

  He sighs. “Yeah, I do. But why does it always have to be about what he wants? Why can’t we be better friends without worrying about hurting his feelings?”

  “Hey! Stop making it sound like he’s the bad guy. You and I are never going to be best friends because of how I feel, not because of Cole. I appreciate that you’ve been there for me during some pretty tough times, but it’s not going to make all those years of you taking advantage of my feelings go away.”

  “Tessa…I’m sorry; I didn’t mean it like that.”

  “Just don’t say things like that about him and we’ll be fine.”

  Having completely ruined the prospect of walking me home, Jay stands there awkwardly as I leave. Jerkhole, he’s always had the worst timing.

  I’m supposed to be meeting up with Travis so that he can look for a birthday present for Beth, but I have an hour to fume, and I plan to use it well.

  I grab my phone and dial, lesson for everyone out there, angry dialing is way worse than drunk dialing. You may actually end up saying something nice when you’re drunk, but there’s nothing nice about what’s going to happen.

  “Tessie, are you okay?”

  “No, you asshole, I’m not! I just had dinner with your parents, Jay’s being a jerk, and I’ve gone absolutely mental—this is all your fault.”

  Yes, I’ve officially lost it. On the other end, he’s eerily quiet.

  “What did he say to you?”

  I groan; of course, it’s the only part that he picks out.

  “I don’t care about what he said, what I care about is that I have no idea how you feel, and you’re shutting me out, Cole.”

  “It’s not me who decided to put a wall between us. You don’t want to talk about what you’re feeling, and I don’t know what to do.” He’s breathing heavily, and I want to wrap my arms around him, tell him that we’ll be fine.

  Someone calls his name on the other end and I freeze.

  Because it’s a girl.

  “Who was that?” I don’t want to jump to conclusions; he’d never do that to me…again. But trust works in funny ways.

  “Just a teammate’s girlfriend, they’re setting up for the game. Wait…who did you think it was? Tessie…”

  It’s my quick intake of breath that tells him exactly what I’d been thinking.

  “I think I should hang up now.”

  “Yeah, maybe you should.” Cole’s voice is emotionless and somehow manages to drain all of mine, too. I just feel tired now.

  “I guess I’ll see you on Monday.”

  “Yeah.”

  He doesn’t even let me hang up first.

  Chapter Fifteen: I’d Meant to Sweep You off Your Feet, Not Injure You

  Somehow, I surprise myself by surviving Sunday lunch with my dad. He’d bailed on me for our originally scheduled dinner on Friday, and I could not have been more thankful for it. The last thing I need is for either of my parents to say those detested words, the ones every parent is dying to say when reality slaps you in the face: “I told you so.”

  Instead I put on my happy, well, relatively happy, face and we went for lunch, minus Travis, to the fanciest restaurant in town. I tried not to play with my food and he tried not to push any buttons that would make me explode. Perhaps Dad convinced himself
that I was going through PMS; hence, he just ordered me a large ice cream sundae and we went on with our lives.

  “So, how’s everything at school?”

  “Good.”

  “Yeah? How’s that economics class you were telling me about? Still tough?”

  “Pretty much.”

  “Well, you don’t seem too worried about it.”

  “I’m not.”

  The pattern continued for a painful five minutes before he gave up and let me hack at my ice cream. I’m pretty sure that at this point, if someone drew my blood, they would actually find huge chunks of ice cream floating around in my bloodstream.

  But, oh well, possible risk of disease aside, I did manage to survive the rest of the day until Travis drove me back to school. I’d learned the important lesson of never leaving my own car behind and being at someone else’s mercy, because my brother took the opportunity to try to lecture me. I’d already beaten myself up enough over how disastrously I’d handled things with Cole that hearing someone else talk about it just made me feel like throwing myself in front of a semi.

  Yes, I’d been feeling pretty morbid, and no, I’m not suicidal, just really hurt. Megan and Beth had let me go quite reluctantly, and it sucked knowing that I wouldn’t get to see them until Thanksgiving break, but the grown-up thing to do in this situation is not to hide in my childhood bedroom. I even managed to ditch those cursed Scooby pajamas that got me in trouble in the first place.

  Yes, it’s all their fault; maybe they had remnants of Nicole’s voodoo magic on them.

  By the time Travis drops me off in front of my dorm, I’m emotionally exhausted. My head hurts from thinking so much about what I’m supposed to do now, and my body’s suffering from the lack of sleep. My brother looks at me with barely concealed pity in his eyes.

  “Go talk to him, Tess; I’m sure it’s not as bad as you think.”

  “I know…I know that if I go and apologize, maybe things will be okay. But I don’t want them to be as they were before. I feel like we were both hurting each other unintentionally, and it needed to come out in the open.”