The Shape of Us: A hilarious and emotional page turner about love, life and laughter

by Drew Davies

  Daisy smiles, squeezing his hand, but not too tightly.

  ‘How are you?’ she asks, gently.

  ‘Fine. I only did this to give you an excuse to leave work early.’

  ‘Well, it worked,’ she replies. ‘But how are you really?’

  ‘Tired,’ Chris says, sounding appropriately exhausted. ‘Glad it’s all over. We went to the University College Hospital first, but the best spine guy is here so they brought me down. I knew it was serious when they wheeled me straight into the operating theatre. I don’t want to brag, but I’ve had quite a few emergency surgeries, and usually there’s a lot of waiting – you see the registrar guy, they give you pre-med drugs, they take you to the anaesthetic room. This time, everything was whoosh! There were fifteen people in the theatre, and one of them was hammering something metal – and I couldn’t understand what they were doing until I realised – rods! They’re making the metal rods to go into my spine. So that was neat.’

  On the bedside table, his phone chimes an alarm. He lets go of her hand, turns off the alarm, and picks up a small plastic remote with one green button that administers the morphine.

  ‘Free drugs,’ he explains, waving the remote. ‘I can take them every ten minutes. Want some?’

  ‘I think you need them more than I do.’

  ‘Suit yourself.’

  He pushes the button.

  ‘Are you in a lot of pain?’ she asks.

  ‘Only when you’re not in the room.’

  ‘You big goof!’ she says, blinking back tears. ‘I was really scared.’

  He reaches out and takes her hand again, closing his eyes. She thinks maybe he’s falling asleep again, but he starts to speak, his eyes still shut.

  ‘My wrist actually hurts more than my back. There’s this tiny vein that supplies your hand with blood, and if they don’t reconnect it, the bone can die. I’ll get the cast tomorrow. I’ve also fractured my T12 and L1 vertebrate. Or maybe it was my L2 – one of them. They’re both compression fractures, because of the way I landed. And they managed to find the piece of bone lodged in my spine. They were worried about that for a while.’ His eyes jolt open. ‘Oh God!’ Chris says, ‘I’m never going to hear the end of it, am I?’

  ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘Dad. The fact I literally fell on my ass. He’s going to be unbearable.’

  ‘I think he’ll just be pleased his son’s still able to walk.’

  ‘That’s what you think. You’ve seen what he’s like, he won’t leave anything alone. It’ll be torture. Maybe it would have been better if I had become a paraplegic.’

  ‘Don’t say that,’ she reprimands him.

  ‘Sorry.’ He strokes her hand with his thumb. ‘I’m glad you’re here.’

  ‘So am I.’

  ‘How’s Dylan?’

  ‘Desperate to see you, but the nurse said only one visitor at a time. His dad came to pick him up hours ago, but Dylan doesn’t want to leave.’

  ‘Is Mike angry at me?’

  ‘Angry isn’t the right word. Concerned and relieved, mostly. I can tell how much they both care about you. Dylan especially.’

  ‘Did he find Janelle’s flat?’

  ‘Yes, she was the one who rang the ambulance when they found you.’

  ‘Is Janelle okay? Dylan was so worried.’

  Daisy hesitates slightly.

  ‘I’ll tell you all about it when you’ve had some better rest. Oh, and Dylan really wanted you to know – Otis is safe. Apparently, you kept saying his name over and over in the ambulance?’

  ‘I was scared I’d fallen on him.’

  ‘He’s fine. The driver of that fancy car took him back to stay with a neighbour.’

  ‘Chauffeur-driven all around town. He’s going to be a nightmare the next time we have to take a bus.’ He smiles, but for the first time it seems slightly forced. I mustn’t tire him out, Daisy thinks. He’s using up a lot of energy, talking to me.

  ‘Shall I let you get some sleep?’ she says.

  ‘Don’t leave. How far away are my parents?’

  ‘They were leaving Heathrow, so forty minutes?’

  ‘Good, we still have some time.’

  He threads his fingers through hers.

  ‘I need to tell you something,’ he says.

  ‘Of course, anything.’

  ‘Something happened to me when I fell.’

  ‘I know, that’s why you’re in the hospital,’ Daisy says kindly.

  ‘No – I mean, something good happened.’

  She stares at him, confused.

  ‘I’d pulled myself up onto the roof thingy to go after Dylan,’ says Chris, ‘and I was wearing those leather Chukka boots – you know, my new ones – I haven’t had time to score the soles on them yet, so really they were an accident waiting to happen. And Otis is yapping away like mad, because he doesn’t want to be left alone, and so I turn around to tell him to “shush” and my feet keep moving. Just like that. Swoosh! So, I’m falling backwards, which isn’t great, and I remember worrying about crushing Otis, of course, and not wanting to hurt myself, or let Dylan down, but I also notice all this crazy background noise in my head. It’s like,’ he makes a high-pitched mosquito sound, ‘and it’s made up of all these worries I have, and some of them are really small – is that a pimple on my neck? Where should we go for dinner? Am I putting on weight? What if you don’t like me if I get fat? But there’s bigger stuff in there too, and all these thoughts are making this angry hum in my mind, taking up so much space, and none of them are real. In those few split seconds, I can see them, separate from myself for the first time, and I remember thinking, Huh. How stupid?’

  He closes his eyes again.

  ‘Daisy, there are so many things I’ve avoided in my life, because I didn’t feel like I deserved them. A job, a purpose, someone to love. I’ve been waiting and waiting – for what? But in that moment, before I hit the ground, everything changed. I was fearless.’ Chris’s eyes snap open again. ‘I’m going to forget that sensation soon – I can feel the window closing already – and I want to tell you something before it’s gone.’

  ‘You can tell me anything,’ she replies nervously.

  ‘But that’s the point…’ he looks up at the ceiling. ‘It’s fading, so I’m just going to tell you, alright?’ He puffs out his cheeks, releasing a long breath through his lips. ‘Do you remember I told you about the sportscar, the one I bought for my twenty-first birthday?’

  ‘The Maserati Spyder?’

  He nods, or tries to.

  ‘I was staying with my parents and I had to go pick it up at the dealership in London, so my mate Nicky came down with me on the train. He was a good guy, Nicky. We’d met at my cousin’s stag do years ago, we were best mates even though we grew up in pretty different worlds – he would come over and we’d smoke pot and shoot clay pigeons or use pellet guns to scare the pheasants, any of that “to the manor born” stuff really tickled him. Nicky worked at the local garage, a proper petrolhead, and I’ll never forget his face when he saw the Maserati. I mean, I was excited too, but Nicky was reverential. He knew all the specs of the car right down to the paint job – I’d had it painted this ridiculous Lamborghini orange colour – and he kept getting pissed at me for smudging the polish or pulling the clutch too hard. We left the dealership and cruised around central London for a couple of hours, but eventually we wanted to see how it would handle on the open road. And it went zoom! Zoom zoom zoom! I think we made it back to Aylesbury in under an hour – I still can’t believe we didn’t get a ticket. All the adrenaline had worn off by the time I dropped Nicky back at his house and we were flagging and grating on each other’s nerves, so I was pleased to head off by myself. I wasn’t driving for long, when I saw Nicky’s sister walking along the footpath. Now, Michelle was beautiful – not as pretty as you, of course, but a lovely girl. A couple of years older than me, she was training to become a veterinary nurse. To be honest, Michelle had never given me the time of day, bu
t then I pull up beside her in this shiny new beast of a car. We were five minutes away from her house, but I wanted to impress her, so when I finally convinced her to get in, I take this massive detour. And up until this point, I’d only ever driven my dad’s Saab, or one of the tractors, but here I am, with this woman I’ve had a crush on for years, the smell of her perfume, the sun setting over the horizon – everything so perfect. I’m flying along these country lanes, Michelle was telling me about this old lady who brought in her cat which they thought was pregnant, but actually had a stomach full of maggots – she was funny too, Michelle, you know? – and I was manoeuvring around these tight bends, trying to give the impression I did this type of thing all the time.’

  He stops, and closes his eyes again, composing himself for what’s about to come.

  ‘I lost control. The police report said I clipped a fence, the impact causing us to spin around before going down a ravine at the side of the road. They did tests afterwards, there was nothing wrong with the car, everything was working perfectly – it was all my fault. I remember feeling Michelle’s hair brush the side of my cheek as the car started spinning. It was like a hand stroking my face, and I turned to look at her. As I did, something hit me, her elbow maybe, or her forehead, breaking my nose. The pain helped. At least with the taste of blood, I knew everything was real. We were really being thrown around in our seats, those were really shards of glass, that really was the squeal of crushing metal.’ He takes a breath. ‘We hit a tree going down the ravine. Michelle died on impact, the coroner said, as if somehow that made it better.’

  ‘Oh my God,’ Daisy says, covering her mouth.

  He swallows twice.

  ‘They put a metal plate in my neck and shoulder.’ Daisy recalls the moment she first accidentally touched his shoulder, how he’d recoiled. ‘I had about six months of rehabilitation, and I was on painkillers for a long time. I didn’t care how physically messed up I was, I deserved it. I was arrested too, of course, charged with reckless driving and manslaughter, but my parents were friends with the judge, and so I only lost my licence for two years and received some community service. I wanted to apologise to Nicky as soon as I was out of hospital, but he wouldn’t speak to me, and his family tried to sue me in civil court. They obviously had a strong case, and I didn’t want to go to jail, so I let my parents hire a big London law firm. I regret that decision every day of my life. The lawyer made their family out to be money-grabbing opportunists. He really raked them through the mud, it was disgusting – Nicky’s dad had a bit of a gambling problem, his mother drank – but it worked, and I walked away scot-free in the eyes of the law. But I never forgave myself – I had taken a life, stolen their daughter away and destroyed Nicky’s family.’

  Daisy takes her hand away from her mouth.

  ‘What happened to Nicky?’ she asks.

  ‘He was fired from his apprenticeship, started drinking. There was a fight. He’s in prison now, gets out in a couple of years.’

  ‘Oh my God,’ Daisy says again. ‘You were all so young.’ She shakes her head. ‘How did you even begin to cope?’

  ‘I didn’t really. I drank a lot. I woke up each day with the darkness heavier than before. I almost did something really stupid a couple of times – I don’t know what stopped me. Cowardice. Being an only child. The look on my mum’s face.’

  ‘But it was an accident.’

  ‘I bought a racing car. I begged Michelle to get in. It was my foot on the accelerator.’

  ‘And it went terribly, tragically wrong, but we…’

  ‘…all make mistakes?’ He smiles blankly. ‘That’s what everyone said to me. That’s the only thing they said.’

  They’re silent for a long time.

  ‘You should be resting,’ Daisy says at last. ‘You’ve had major surgery. We can talk about all this when you’re feeling better.’

  ‘I’m fine,’ Chris says, picking up the remote from his bedside table and firmly pushing the green button.

  ‘I’ll let you get some sleep. I’ll be waiting outside, I promise.’

  ‘Daisy, there’s something else.’ Chris licks his lips. ‘Do you remember my dad telling you about how I tried to join the UN Peacekeeping Corps?’

  She nods. ‘Was that pre or post dreadlocks?’

  He smiles again, more convincingly this time.

  ‘Post dreads. It was pie in the sky back then. I wasn’t really serious, but it’s something I’d like to try now.’

  ‘Of course, once you’re better we can find out all about it. I can do some Internet research later if you like?’

  ‘It means I would have to go away.’

  Daisy’s forehead furrows. This hadn’t occurred to her.

  ‘For how long?’

  ‘A couple of years.’

  She falls silent.

  ‘Daisy?’ he prompts, at last.

  ‘Are you breaking up with me?’ she asks in a low voice.

  ‘No. I don’t know,’ his face is crumpled in pain. ‘You’re amazing, Daisy – you deserve to be with someone who’s a whole person. I’m missing something, you must see that.’

  ‘I’m missing something, we all are. That’s the whole point of finding someone to be with,’ she says. ‘You probably have concussion, you’re hopped up on painkillers. We can talk about this later.’

  ‘I want to be honest with you, Daisy.’

  ‘So, what, you’re going to run away and join the UN Peacekeepers? That’s not really a thing, it’s like running away to join the circus. People don’t actually do it. And you can’t just walk in and pick up a blue helmet. If you don’t want to be with me, fine, but don’t make up a crazy story about it.’

  ‘I’m doing this because of you. What happened today was only the – I don’t want to say final push, but…’

  ‘Go in five years then,’ she says, blinking back tears. ‘I already thought I’d lost you once today.’ She takes out a tissue from her pocket. ‘I’ve just got you the way I like you.’

  ‘But I don’t like me. That’s the problem.’

  How did they get here? Daisy wants to put it down to the accident – Chris will wake up tomorrow, and of course everything will be the same. But there’s something different in his eyes. Something that rings true, however painful.

  Daisy thinks of the time she’d walked away from Chris. The moment she could have ended it on her terms. He’d tricked her into caring for him again, robbed her of her agency, and now he was abandoning her. She was a fool.

  ‘Why couldn’t you have sorted this all out before you met me?’ she says, wiping her eyes. ‘Why didn’t you fall on your ass years ago?’

  ‘I wish I had, I really do.’

  He takes her hand again.

  ‘But I love you,’ she says, sobbing.

  A few hours later, JoJo is stalking the hospital corridors, searching for something to eat. All the cafés have closed, and she doesn’t feel ready to venture from the building yet – Belinda still isn’t completely out of the woods, although she’s nearly stable enough to induce labour, which they’ll do as soon as they can. Keith had left a few hours earlier – he’d been a real trouper, giving JoJo space, but hovering close enough in case she needed him (considering his day job, he was exceptionally sensitive when it came to personal space). Frank was in with Belinda, so JoJo should go home and get some sleep, but she can’t seem to tear herself away. She’d sat with Frank for a long time in silence this afternoon, and it was as if some important truth had been communicated between them, and now she needed time to digest, to recalibrate. JoJo can feel her mind ticking over.

  This was getting her nowhere. She’s walked the entire length of the place, and there’s nothing. Her stomach growls angrily. But then JoJo sees what might be a vending machine about fifteen yards away. She doesn’t care what atrocities masquerading as food it contains – as long as they have calories. And yes, as she approaches, she can see it’s full of the usual crap: chocolate bars, biscuits, crisps, pot noodles, bu
t it will have to do. She considers the chicken and mushroom pot noodle: it would be nice to have something warm, but she’s not sure where to source boiling water at this late hour. There was the smell too – Styrofoam, coagulants and chemical flavourings – it would stink out the place. No fork either. JoJo decides on a large Twix – the wrapper says ‘sharing size’ rather optimistically – and she takes coins out of her purse to pay.

  ‘It doesn’t work,’ comes a voice from behind her.

  JoJo turns to see a young man in a smart leather jacket, sitting next to a slumped older man, who is fast asleep.

  ‘Typical,’ JoJo tuts. ‘Is there another one close by?’

  The young man shrugs.

  ‘I’m not sure.’

  ‘Probably for the best, what with all the junk they put in everything.’

  She turns to go.

  ‘Here,’ the young man says, opening his backpack. ‘You can have these if you like?’ He reaches into the bag and takes out a packet of expensive-looking biscuits and holds them out to JoJo.

  ‘Those are fancy. Fortnum & Mason… Golly!’

  ‘Take them.’

  ‘No, I couldn’t.’

  ‘Really, it’s no problem.’

  ‘Let me buy them off you at least. They’re too nice to give away.’

  ‘I’ve got other stuff.’ He opens the bag wider, and it’s true, there are all sorts of things in the bag: a bottle of champagne, truffles, a jar of olives. ‘You’d be helping anyway – it’s making my bag really heavy.’

  ‘Did you win a Christmas hamper in a raffle?’

  The young man shrugs again.

  ‘I sort of bought them for someone, but I forgot to give them to her.’

  He holds out the biscuits.

  ‘Are you sure?’ JoJo asks.

  ‘Yeah, it’s fine.’

  She takes the packet.

  ‘Thank you,’ she says. ‘I appreciate it.’

  ‘My pleasure.’

  ‘I’m JoJo, by the way.’

  ‘Dylan.’

  ‘Good to meet you.’

  ‘If you want anything else,’ Dylan says, ‘let me know. I have brandy snaps too. And some pâté in a tin. But I already ate the crackers.’