Have a Little Faith in Me

by Sonia Hartl

  “Have I ever told you how much I love the way you say whatever you’re thinking, without stopping to think about it at all?” he asked.

  “Yes.” I tapped a finger to my chin. “I believe you called me brash and tactless.”

  “That’s right.” He kissed my temple. “Of course you weren’t talking about showing me your underwear at the time. Feel free to let all those thoughts out.”

  “Food?” I asked. “You’re going to need all your energy for tonight.”

  “You talk a big game.” He gave me a quick squeeze before letting go. “But you make a good point. I’ll catch you inside.”

  Mandy and Astrid let go of a collective sigh as he walked away.

  “So, underwear opinions after lunch?” I asked.

  “You should skip afternoon workshops,” Astrid said. “Because we’ll want all the details, and there is no way we’re staying up late enough to hear them.”

  “I can’t skip. Paul can’t either. I know you said they’re voluntary, but they really aren’t for us. Pastor Dean is chomping for a reason to toss us out of here.”

  “We’ll cover for you,” Mandy said. “Say you weren’t feeling well. Women problems. They never question those. Besides, ever since the bonfire, the woods are crawling with counselors at night trying to catch kids out of bed.”

  “How did Sarina and Jerome get away with last night?”

  “She took him to that shack, where Priscilla made you put on that horrible swimsuit, but Sarina said it smelled like her grandma’s house in there and it almost killed the mood.”

  “You guys really want me to have sex.” I looked over both of their eager faces. “What would Jesus do? Would he support this kind of debauchery?”

  “Don’t make me pull out all the Bible verses that support love,” Astrid said. “Because I will, and I’ll lecture you all afternoon and make you memorize them.”

  Point taken.

  We went into the dining hall, where Paul had reached the end of the line with enough food to feed an entire football team. How much energy did he think he’d need? I tapped him on the shoulder and he turned around, his eyes softening as soon as he saw me.

  “I’m ready now,” I said.

  “Now?” He turned around to set his tray down, picked it back up, set it back down, and grabbed my hand. “Forget the food. Let’s go.”

  “We can eat first if you’re hungry.” I laughed.

  “Nope. Do you have any idea how hard it was to sit through a single workshop with that kiss playing over and over again in my mind?”

  “Do you want to go to your cabin for a blanket and condoms?”

  “No. Too far. Your cabin is closer.”

  “What about my underwear? I should change into something nicer.”

  “I don’t care what you’ve got on; you won’t be wearing it long anyway.”

  Oh my God. We were really going to do this. A thrill shivered up my spine.

  He waited outside while I dashed into my cabin and grabbed my comforter and five condoms. Probably overreaching there, but it was better to have more than less.

  We took the trail along the woods, quiet with everyone either down at the lake or in the dining room for lunch. Instead of stopping in the clearing we’d hung out in the first night of camp, Paul went deeper into the woods.

  “I don’t want us to get interrupted,” he said.

  “Do you know your way back?”

  “Unfortunately, yes. But if you want to stay out here for the rest of the summer, I can build us a tree house, and I wouldn’t be opposed to hunting and gathering.”

  “I think we’d need more than five condoms for the whole summer.”

  “We might need more than five condoms just today.”

  “Seriously?” My eyes bugged out. I thought I’d way overestimated.

  “No.” He laughed and took my hand. “But you thought I was, and that’s all the boost to my ego I’m going to need going forward.”

  “Remind me again why I’m doing this with you?”

  “Because no one else makes you feel like this.” He kissed my neck, and just having his lips touch me made my entire body light up and draw closer to him. “And I’ve got great taste in music, and know all the things you love best, and you have the most fun with me.”

  He stopped in a small clearing surrounded by wild strawberry bushes, with just enough room to lay down my comforter. It was all fun and games when I could talk about being assertive in the secret workshops or talk about sex with Paul, but now that we were here, all my nerves surfaced again. I rubbed my elbows while he looked around, scratching his shoulder.

  “How should we start this?” I took off my shirt. “Should we get naked first?”

  “Maybe shirts first.” He took off his. “We can let things progress from here.”

  “Are you nervous?” I wrapped my arms around my stomach, and he held his shirt to his chest, not letting it drop to the ground.

  “I’ve never done this in the daylight before.” He let his shirt go, and it puddled at his feet. “I like your bra. I’m glad you didn’t change it.”

  I looked down at the plain white cotton with a pink rosebud in the center. “Thanks. I got it on clearance. I mean, not me, my mom did. When we went shopping.”

  “That’s cool. I always like a good sale.”

  We looked at each other and laughed.

  “This is so awkward,” I said. “We should’ve just done it on the log when we were in the moment. Now I’m like, What are you thinking? Is he disappointed?”

  “You could never disappoint me.” He stepped closer. “You’re so beautiful.”

  “Thanks, you too. Except handsome. Or strapping? Nice-looking. You look nice. Great. You look great.” Argh. I could stop talking at any point now. “This is so dumb. I’ve seen you in your swim trunks every summer since we were kids.”

  He cracked a smile. “I’m going to assume you’re tongue-tied because I’m so hot, you can’t even form whole sentences.”

  “I want to say something sarcastic right now, but I feel this might not be the best time or place.”

  “That’s too bad.” He rested his hands on my hips, and I put my arms around the back of his neck. “Because I’m going to need you to do a lot of talking.”

  “I know.” Knowing and doing were two different things, but I’d have to cross that bridge when I got there. “You need to do some talking too.”

  “Not a problem.” His fingers skimmed my back and I shivered. “For me, I can read your body language some of the time, but I never want to assume. I’ll always ask. When we do things that are new to you, I need to know what you like.”

  “What if I don’t know what I like?”

  “You’ll know what you don’t. Just tell me. I won’t be offended.”

  “But what if you like it?”

  “Don’t worry about me. I like everything.” He kissed my neck again. “If it feels good to you, that’s all I need. That’s what gets me off.”

  I nearly had my first orgasm from his words alone. No wonder the girls from the locker room called him a giver. I had no idea what that even meant. The concept was so far beyond my comprehension, but it made me infinitely more comfortable.

  We kissed, with the same mind-blowing intensity we’d had earlier, lowering to our knees and eventually lying down, with him on his side next to me. A rock poked into my back, and I fidgeted, accidentally knocking my forehead into his.

  “Sorry.” I rubbed his head. “Rock. In my back.”

  “Here.” He slid me over three feet. “Is that better?”

  “Yeah.” We kissed more, and I could feel him ready, pushed up against my thigh. “Should we get the condom on?”

  “Not yet,” he said. “What do you want me to do?”

  “I don’t know.” His question left me panicking. I’d never been asked that before. I just went along with whatever and pretended to enjoy it. “Take my bra off and touch me.”

  He unhooked the back, and I
instantly had the urge to cover myself. What if they were too small? Or my nipples were misshapen? As soon as he took my bra off and tossed it to the side, I rolled into him, mashing my chest against his so he couldn’t look at me.

  “Is this okay?” He ran his fingers between my breasts, under them, and back up the sides.

  “I’m going to be honest here. I want to lie on my back, so my stomach doesn’t roll up, but then it flattens my boobs, and I feel like I look weird naked.”

  “You definitely don’t look weird. You are gorgeous.” He kissed me from my collarbone down to my stomach. “I could look at you all day like this.”

  “That’s really nice of you to say.” I was the actual worst at pillow talk.

  When he linked his fingers with mine, I took his hand and placed it between my legs. I almost lost my nerve. What if he pulled it away? But he looked at me with such openness, it made me more open to showing him what I wanted.

  “Over the shorts or under?” he asked.

  “Under,” I squeaked.

  “Over the underwear or under?”

  “Are you going to ask me every time you do something?”

  “Yes.” He kissed me again.

  “Fine.” I could do this. I could talk to him while we did things. “Under.”

  “Why do you sound so mad about it?” He teased the waistband of my cotton underwear, and I mourned not changing into the red lace-and-satin panties I’d brought in my suitcase’s secret compartment.

  “I’m not mad. I’m just not good at all this naked conversation.”

  “I just had to make sure you wanted me to do this.” He touched me between my legs, under the shorts, under the underwear, and my heart leapt into my throat.

  “More,” I choked out. “Like that.”

  He moved his fingers in a circle, and all the nerves in my body squeezed down to that one point. “Do you like this?”

  “Yes,” I said breathlessly. “Don’t stop. I will fucking kill you if you stop.”

  “Wow, you just got really good at naked conversation.” He laughed.

  I lost the fine amount of control I had left as all of my nerves exploded. My legs trembled and my back arched off the ground. Spots of light clouded my vision, and a strangled cry trapped in the back of my throat broke free. Then, as quickly as it had hit me, it was over, and a warm glow spread through my entire body.

  “What was that?” I asked.

  He buried his head in my sweat-slicked shoulder. “Correct me if I’m wrong, but I believe you just had an orgasm.”

  “Oh my God. That’s what it feels like?”

  “Pretty awesome, huh?” He kissed my neck, right below my ear. “Though next time I could do without the death threats.”

  “Sorry.” I snorted. “It got away from me. Do you want me to …?” I reached for the zipper on his shorts and he drew my hand back.

  “Better not. I’m only good for one go, and I really don’t want to waste it.”

  “What if I’m only good for one too?”

  “Then we stop.” He kissed me. “I wasn’t lying when I said I’m only interested in doing what feels good for you. If you’re not enjoying it, there is no way I can.”

  “I’d really enjoy it if you took off my shorts, and took yours off too.”

  He stood and undid his shorts, his briefs showing his very clear erection.

  “The underwear should go too.” I turned my head while he undressed, like I wanted to offer him some modesty, which was ridiculous.

  He kneeled at my feet and pulled off my shorts. I nodded when he touched the waistband of my cotton underwear, the giant ones I wore on laundry days, because I couldn’t manage sexy to save my life. If he noticed, he didn’t comment. He put his hand on the small of my back and pulled me against him.

  He definitely knew what he was doing. As his other hand roamed over me, touching new places and letting me respond to them, I finally worked up the nerve to touch him. At first I let my hands hang loosely over his shoulders, not really sure what to do or what felt good. But it turned out he responded to touch like I did, and it didn’t take long to find out what he liked. Even though he said he liked everything.

  “Condom. Now.” Impossibly, that sensation of my nerves gathering started to build again, and this time I wanted all of him.

  He rolled the condom on and laid me on my back. “I’m going to go slow.”

  Cradling my head under his arms, he entered me, and I gasped.

  “Does it hurt?” he asked.

  “It hurts a little. How far in are you?”

  “About halfway.” He pulled out again. “Do you want to stop? I won’t be upset.”

  “No. I want to do it. Just keep going.” I took him in my hand and guided him back inside me. “Slow.”

  He entered me again, sliding about halfway in and holding still while I got used to the feel of him. Then he went in all the way, and I bit down on my lip.

  “Is this okay?” he asked.

  “It doesn’t really hurt right now. It’s just a lot of pressure sitting right there. It’s getting easier, though.”

  “I want to try something.” He pulled out of me and lay on his back. “If you are on top, you can control the angle, the speed, how much you can take in.”

  “I don’t know how to do that.” I’d never been in control. The one time I did do it, I just lay there. “But I could try.”

  “Set the speed, and I’ll match it.” He put his hands on my hips and lowered me onto him.

  He’d been right. I had much more control over what I could handle from here. At first I hovered above him on my knees, taking him in about halfway, until I got more comfortable. Then I went all the way down, and back up again. His fingers dug into the soft flesh around my hips, but not in a way that hurt. It grounded me and helped me hold on too.

  I leaned down, placing my hand on either side as I rocked against him. He didn’t look over my shoulder or even close his eyes. He looked directly at me, and it made me feel way more exposed than taking off my clothes. But I didn’t look away. I matched his gaze, giving everything back as he told me how much he loved me and how I made him feel. I’d never been more connected to another human.

  Every time I came down on top of him, I hit a spot inside me that wanted him more, with faster speed. He matched my pace until I clenched, like a fist had started to squeeze inside me. I cried out as he grabbed my hips and trembled, but I wasn’t quite there. So close.

  The sex was still phenomenal, so much more than I ever thought it could be, and I was certain I’d get there next time. I rolled over and lay with my arms out. All my muscles felt like jelly, and I never wanted to move again. I couldn’t even focus on the weird mole inside my thigh, because I was too tired to give a damn.

  Paul discarded the condom and gathered me against him, throwing my comforter over us. He kissed my head and my nose and my lips. “That was incredible.”

  “We should’ve had sex ages ago.” My throat was desperately dry, but I’d never been more content in my entire life. “I didn’t finish, but I got super-close, and I think I might be able to next time.”

  “Shit.” He held me tighter. “I’m so sorry. I tried to hold out, but it’s been a while. Do you want me to finish you the other way?”

  “No, I’m exhausted. I just told you because I want to be honest. All the time. I still thought it was amazing, and you’re amazing, and I can’t believe this is happening.”

  “You can’t? I’m terrified of letting you go. I’m afraid I’m going to wake up in my cabin and discover none of this really happened. My sheets would be a mess.”

  We both badly needed water and something to eat, but neither of us wanted to get up. The idea of letting Paul build us a tree house had some merit. I snuggled against him, closing my eyes and letting the warm feeling drift with me.

  Chapter 25

  I woke with a start, disoriented and sore. Darkness had settled over the woods. I had no idea what time it was thanks to the no phon
es rule. I nudged Paul, who dragged me against him, half asleep, but apparently ready for round two.

  “Wake up,” I said. “It’s dark outside.”

  He sat up and rubbed his hands over his face. “How long have we been out?”

  “I have no idea.” An owl hooted in the distance, and we’d gone pretty far from camp. Other things, hungry things, could’ve been lurking in the trees. “Can you still find your way back in the dark, or should we wait for morning?”

  “We’ll get eaten alive if we stay out here.” He slapped at a mosquito that had landed on his arm. “I can get us back to camp.”

  I’d just pulled my shirt over my head, when two flashlights cut between us. We both stumbled back as the light passed over our eyes. “There they are!” a male voice called out.

  Priscilla and Michael, not Mike, broke through our clearing, followed by two more counselors. Fear pulsed in my ears, drowning out all other noise. This was bad. Really bad.

  “Do you know we’ve been looking for the two of you for hours?” Priscilla stood with her hands on her hips. “Did you think hiding out here would be fun? That no one would come looking for you?”

  “We came out here way earlier and fell asleep,” I said. “We were just about to make our way back to camp. What time is it?”

  “Eleven at night,” Michael, not Mike, said. “Your parents have been called.” He got on the walkie-talkie. “We found them out in the woods. We’re bringing them in.”

  My mom must’ve been having a heart attack right now. “Why did you call our parents? You didn’t think that could’ve waited until after you found us?”

  “We have to notify the parents right away if their children go missing. You’re still a minor according to the law. Let’s move.”

  The walk back to camp took a million times longer. We’d gone really deep into the woods, but we were still on camp grounds and we were still campers, which meant we’d be subject to camp penalty. This meant the end.

  I held on to Paul as we navigated overgrown roots and fallen branches in the dark. Each twig that snapped in the distance made me jump. “I’m scared.”