by Elle Casey
Barbara and Carol wipe tears from their eyes, but Sally is staring at the floor. I wish I could see what’s going through her mind as she wrings her hands and taps her foot. I’d like to hug all of them right now. This is a part of their shared pasts that obviously makes them feel terrible. What I see is a tragedy. So much of this pain they all caused—both the band and our mothers—could have been avoided if they had all just communicated better . . . and more lovingly. The men carelessly threw around the statement that wives and children would never be welcome in their lives, and our mothers selfishly kept the existence of their pregnancies to themselves. There are no innocent parties in this, other than my sisters and me, of course.
Guilt niggles at me when I realize that I can only be putting myself in that innocent category if I’m not one of the people making the problem continue or making it worse, which means I have to ensure that I’m not repeating their mistakes. In other words, I need to be a better communicator, or I’m no better than they were twenty-six years ago. The idea makes a knot form in the pit of my stomach.
“That’s not fair,” Red says in a low voice. “They didn’t make us do anything. We all partied by choice. Grown men make choices about doing drugs; they aren’t forced into things.”
“Fair has nothing to do with it.” Darrell focuses on Rose, Amber, and me. “You have to understand . . . Life back then for us was nuts. We were young. Too young to be dealing with the pressure being put on us. Ted was just as young as we were. When he found out your mothers were pregnant, he came to me with an idea and I agreed it was the best thing for everyone.”
“You knew and you didn’t tell us!” Red yells, right before leaping on him.
It takes three men to pull him off and five minutes of shouting to calm things down enough for Darrell to be able to speak again.
He pulls down the bottom of his jacket and makes a big show of smoothing his hair before he starts again. “Yeah. I knew they were pregnant. And I also knew if they kept spending time around all those drugs, they were going to be tempted to use them while they were carrying those babies, and it was going to be the end of everything.”
“You were involved in sending them away,” Red says, his voice hoarse with emotion. “I’m glad we kicked your ass out of the band. A thousand times glad.” All his bandmates are nodding, even Ty.
Sally lifts her head and steps forward, holding out her hand. “Stop.”
I blink a few times, wondering where this is going. Sally never makes herself the center of attention.
Rose squeezes my hand so hard it cracks one of my knuckles. “Sorry,” she whispers.
“Listen . . . ,” Sally says, “I can see where this is headed, and I don’t think it’s going to help anyone to point fingers and play the blame game. Fact is, Barbara, Carol, and I knew what we were doing. We were pregnant and we weren’t going to stay. We always knew our time with the band was temporary.” Her smile is both endearing and sad. “It was the greatest time of our lives, except for all the moments we’ve spent being mothers to our three girls. Those were better. Greater. Much more important in the grand scheme of things.” She holds her hands out to us and waves a little.
We wave back. I have to wipe tears from my eyes. I always thought that Red Hot came first in their minds, but I guess I was wrong. I never held it against them, but it’s nice to know my sisters and I were always their favorite group.
“Ted did us a big favor,” Barbara says, stepping forward to join Sally, putting her arm around her best friend’s waist in support. “And Darrell did too.” She glances at him and nods once. “We knew if we told you that we were pregnant that you would try to convince us to stay. And we knew we had to go. We did what we thought was right by our children.” She sighs, looking down. “Maybe it was a mistake, but it doesn’t feel like it.”
“It wasn’t,” I say, filled with love for my mothers and the sacrifices they made for us. It couldn’t have been easy to be that young and have to make such adult, mature decisions, particularly when I think about the environment they were living in. “We’ve had great lives here, and now that I’ve been to New York and LA, I can say with confidence that I, for one, don’t belong in those places.”
My sisters laugh quietly.
“Darrell,” Rose says, “why do you think I’m your daughter?”
He lifts his chin. “Because I was sleeping with Sally when she got pregnant.”
Red shrugs. “So was I.”
Mooch lifts his finger. “Guilty.”
Cash stares at the ceiling and whistles off-key.
Darrell frowns at them. “She told me she was exclusive to me.”
Sally looks up, a guilty, awkward smile affixed to her face. “It’s the only way I could get you to take your clothes off.”
The entire room bursts out laughing, with the exception of Darrell. He just looks confused. And then he looks deflated. I elbow Rose and she elbows me back. I don’t think she knew any better than I did what a vixen her mom can be. It’s actually kind of hilarious to imagine sweet, scatterbrained Sally being so sneaky, just so she could get it on with a rocker.
“So, what you’re saying, Mom, is that he could be my father,” Rose states emphatically.
Everyone stops laughing.
Sally nods. “Yes. He could be.”
Rose stands and shrugs. “That’s all I need to know.” She looks right at the man in leather. “Darrell, you are welcome to stay at Glenhollow Farms. So long as you follow the rules here, you can remain as long as you’d like.” She nods once, silently daring anyone to contradict her.
I stand next to her and hold her hand. “Darrell, I don’t know if my mom slept with you or not, but I don’t care. If you could be my sister’s father, then that’s good enough for me.” I look at the other men. “And as for the rest of you, I hope you won’t take me ignoring you all night as a sign that you aren’t welcome, because you are. I’m not going to lie and say that I want to be your best friend or anything, but I am curious about your lives and the choices you made, and I hope one of these days soon you’ll take the time to share your thoughts and histories with me.”
“It’d be my honor,” Red says, putting his hand on his heart.
“And mine,” Mooch says.
“Add me to the mix,” Cash says. “And even though Keith is no longer with us, I know right now he’s looking down on us and smiling. He’d be proud of you right now. All of you girls. And your moms.”
Amber stands and holds on to my other hand. She looks at me and leans in to kiss my cheek. “Thank you,” she whispers.
I don’t say anything. I’m not doing this just for her. I’m doing this for all of us—her, Rose, me, our mothers . . . these men who had daughters taken from them without knowing, or so I hear. Our story is complicated and messy, made up of layer upon layer of lies and misunderstandings. But it’s a story that needs to be told and unwound. It’s only fair that each of us knows where we came from.
One of the band members comes over to me and holds out his hand. “Hi there, Emerald. I’m Mooch.”
I shake his hand, feeling suddenly nervous. “Hi, Mooch.” He could be my father, and that’s no small thing.
“It’s such a pleasure to see you again.” His eyes well up with tears, which makes me want to cry immediately. This man is revered by literally millions of people, and he’s brought to tears at seeing me? Craziness. He moves on to Rose, and then another band member walks up.
“Remember me? I’m Cash,” says the man, coming up behind Mooch. “So great to be here with you. You’re as pretty as an emerald, that’s for sure. We didn’t get a chance to talk last time, but maybe this trip it can be different.” He shakes my hand too.
“Thanks. Sure.” I look down, too shy to comment any more than that.
He looks over his shoulder. “You remember Red.” He turns to talk to Rose, and I’m left with Red approaching. He stops in front of me. I shake the tall man’s hand and look into his eyes. I’ve seen those eyes be
fore, but not on him. It makes my heart skip a beat.
“Nice to see you again, young lady. And can I say how much I admire the painting you did out there? You have true talent. I’m jealous. I’ve always wanted to be able to create something like that.”
I try to smile, but my lips are quivering too much. “Thank you. It’s really not a big deal.”
“And she’s humble too,” he says softly over his shoulder to the people behind him.
I can’t look at him anymore; it feels like he’s seeing right into my soul.
“Paul,” says a smaller man behind Red. “Not your dad, but happy to be here nonetheless.” He grins big and shakes my hand as Red moves over to talk to Rose. “I joined the band after Darrell left, so I wasn’t around for all the fun stuff.”
Everyone laughs at that, and I have to smile too.
“So,” Darrell says, clapping his hands together and rubbing them, “you got any room at the inn for me?” He looks longingly at the stairs.
“No way,” Ty says, surprising everyone. “Not in the house, man.”
Darrell frowns at him. “What’s it to you?”
“He’s right,” Carol says, motioning at the door. “All of you . . . out.”
Paul is smiling. Mooch and Red are frowning. Darrell looks resigned. Ty is grinning in satisfaction until my mother points at him. “That means you, too.”
“But . . .”
“But nothing. The house is for ladies only. We’ll see you all tomorrow. We girls need to have a powwow.”
The staircase creaks and everyone turns around to see who’s there. Sam.
“Hey!” Ty says. “If I can’t stay, neither can he.” He points at his brother.
Sam looks down the stairs with a guilty smile. “Say what?”
“He’s an exception,” Barbara says. “His baby is in the house. He needs to keep an eye on her.”
Sam looks relieved for about two seconds before I speak. “No, that’s okay. I can watch her.”
His jaw drops as he stares at me. I can’t help but laugh.
“Oh, man. She’s kicking me to the curb already.” He comes down the stairs smiling and joins the rest of the band in the foyer.
“Don’t let the door hit you on the butts on the way out,” Amber says, giggling when they grumble back at her.
CHAPTER FIFTY-ONE
When the last of them are gone, Sally shuts the front door and locks it.
“We never lock the door,” Rose says, sounding a little shocked.
“I wouldn’t put it past those two younger ones to try and sneak in later,” she says, eyeing Amber and me.
Rose snorts. “I don’t think you need to worry about them sneaking in as much as you need to worry about my sisters unlocking that door for them.”
I exchange glances with Amber and smile. I’m not going to deny the fact that after everyone else is asleep I’m going to find Sam and bring him back into my bed. It’s where he belongs, after all. How long he’ll be able to stay there, I don’t know, but what I do know is that I can’t imagine ever wanting to sleep without him again.
“So, where do we go from here?” Carol asks.
“Let’s sit down and talk it out,” Amber says, looking excited about the prospect.
I moan. “Must we?”
Rose yawns. “I’m with Em. I’m exhausted.”
“It won’t take long. I just want to clear the air about a few things and get some questions answered,” Barbara says. She looks as serious as I’ve ever seen her.
We all find seats and wait. Carol speaks first. “I know a lot of information is flying around, all of it over twenty years old. After spending two weeks with the band in Japan, a lot of things became clear to us. We made mistakes. They made mistakes. But I think we’ve all agreed . . .” She waits for her girlfriends to nod before continuing. “That it’s pointless to try to figure out who’s to blame for what. We just didn’t communicate with the men we loved, and that was our biggest error. It’s the one thing we will always regret.”
“I don’t think you should,” I say.
“Why’s that?” she asks. All of our mothers lean in to hear my answer.
“Because. Look at our lives.” I gesture all around us. “We grew up in paradise. We’re educated. We’re surrounded by love and always have been. We’ve been allowed our privacy and safety.” I pause to look at Amber, who nods. “Now we can choose how to move forward. No one is making the choice for us.”
“So you’re glad we came out here and lived the way we did?” Sally asks.
I nod. “Yes, I am. I wouldn’t trade it for anything. Would I have loved to have a father, too? Maybe. Probably. But having those men as fathers comes with strings.”
“Strings?” Carol asks.
“Yeah. Like a lack of privacy,” Amber says. “You can’t truly value it until it’s been taken from you.”
I nod, remembering how freaked out Amber was when the press was hounding her about Ty and the band. She knows how to handle them now, but in the beginning it was messy.
“I don’t regret anything either,” Rose says. “I’m very happy, fathers present or not.” She pauses, looking at each of us in turn before continuing. “Plenty of people have fathers around who they don’t like . . . men who’ve squashed their spirit or independence. I’m not saying these men of Red Hot would have done that, but what if they had? Or what if they were gone all the time touring and we had to live with the fact that their careers were more important to them than being with us was? Whatever . . . there are so many issues we could have had to deal with that we just didn’t . . . because you all chose to leave. I love the way I was raised, and I wouldn’t change that for anything.”
I nod. Rose is saying exactly what’s in my heart. “I second that emotion.”
“And you?” Barbara asks Amber.
“I agree. I agree with all of you. Regret gets us nowhere. I don’t believe any of you acted with malice, including Darrell. He was young too, don’t forget, with stars in his eyes and big plans for his future. And no matter what you think about him as a person, thanks to him, we got this life together.” She pauses while that sinks in. I’m almost persuaded to like the guy, even though I’m pretty sure everyone else hates him.
“Without Darrell being the jerk he was at the time . . . without the rest of the band being so self-centered . . . without our moms deciding it was best to take Ted’s advice and leave without sharing their secrets . . . I never would have met Ty.” She puts her hand on her belly. “And I wouldn’t be having this baby.” She looks up with tears in her eyes. “How can I possibly regret any of it?”
I put my arms around her and then Rose hugs us. Our moms come over and join in.
“You are such a smart little girl, my Amber,” Barbara says.
“Our Amber,” Carol insists.
“Yes. Ours,” Sally says. “All three girls are my girls and your girls and our girls. We are the luckiest family I know.”
A tiny voice comes from the stairs.
“Why is everybody hugging?”
The hug breaks up and the women wipe their wet faces as I climb a few steps to Sadie and pick her up. “Did we wake you, sweetie?”
She rubs her eyes. “Yes.” She looks around. “Where’s my daddy?”
“He’s still outside. Do you want to see him?”
All the women are watching us, but I’m not nervous. Being with Sadie seems as natural to me as being with my sisters or my mothers.
“Can he come inside and read me a story? I miss my mommy.”
“Of course he can,” says Barbara, walking quickly to the door. “Sam!” she yells, after unlocking the door and throwing it open. “Sadie needs you!”
I roll my eyes as the sound of pounding feet comes to my ears. Sam mounts the steps in record time and appears red-faced in the threshold. “What’s the matter?”
Sadie hangs on to my neck but holds one arm out at him. “Hug.”
His face instantly relaxes as he strides ov
er and joins our little lovefest. My heart swells to ten times its normal size, feeling like it’s going to bust right out of my chest cavity as his arms wrap gently around us. Life with Sam is so good right now; I don’t want it to end.
“Hey, if he gets to sleep inside, so does Ty,” Amber says, pretending to sound put out.
“Fine. Call your man in. But no one else,” Carol says, a smile in her voice.
“Ty! No bus for you! Come inside.”
A chorus of boos follows him up. He turns around at the door and yells behind him, “See ya later, suckas!” He slams the door shut and strides over to Amber, picking her up and spinning her around. She squeals in delight and then they stop so they can make out.
“Let’s get out of here,” I whisper.
Sadie giggles. “They’re kissing.”
“I know. Gross, right?” We run over to the stairs, Sadie bouncing on my hip.
“I saw you kiss my daddy,” she says, giggling some more.
“Uh-oh,” I say, feeling a little guilty about that.
She puts her hands on my cheeks, making me stop our ascent up the stairs halfway. “That’s okay. Because I love you and he loves you, and when people love each other, they kiss.” She leans in and kisses me right on the eye.
“Oh. Okay. Now I can’t see anything, but that’s all right.” My heart is a puddle of goo. It’s both scary and amazing to have Sadie declare her love for me like this. In this moment, my life is awesome, but it could go very bad, very quickly. What will happen when she’s forced to leave me, when Sam finds a place to live? It could be all the way in New York . . . or California, even. I have no idea what the future holds, but I’m hoping it won’t need to change too much. I really love this little nugget in my arms.
She laughs and laughs, kissing me all over my face as I feel my way up the stairs.
“Somebody woke up in a good mood,” Sam says.
When we get to Sadie’s room, I hand her over to her dad. “Actually, this little girl woke up missing her momma, so you have been asked to read her a bedtime story before she goes back to sleep.” I don’t want to be so wrapped up in her love for me that I forget she’s in mourning right now. My top priority, for as long as I have a say in the matter, anyway, is to make sure she’s moving past her mother’s death in a healthy way.