Emerald

by Elle Casey

  “Are you kidding me?” He pauses to look around us. “You’re asking me if I’ll regret living in paradise? With the woman I love and the baby we made together . . . and her big sister?”

  “My big sister?”

  “Well, yeah, Rose too, but I was talking about Sadie. I love all my girls . . . Sadie, you, your sisters, your moms. They’re my family now . . . as long as you want me to be a part of it.”

  He loves my sisters and my moms too. Could a man be more perfect for me? Nope. We smile at each other like a couple of simple fools. “Are you kidding?” I ask. “You don’t doubt that, do you? That I want you to be a part of my family?”

  “No. Not one bit. All of you have been nothing but kind and loving toward me and Sadie. I couldn’t ask for better people to have in my life.”

  I can’t get over how much I love this man. He’s said all the right things, and he’s not doing it to manipulate me. “You think the farm is paradise?”

  “It is for me. It is for Sadie. You don’t want to leave, do you?” He moves in closer. “Don’t tell me after all this time with the band you’re suddenly feeling the need to move to Manhattan . . .”

  “Oh, God, no.” I put my hand to my throat as I laugh. I feel like my heart is going to burst. “I’m very happy right here . . . as long as you and Sadie are by my side.”

  “When are we going to tell Sadie?” he asks.

  “Normally, people don’t say anything to kids until more time has passed, but I’m worried my sisters will say something in front of her and let the cat out of the bag. And with everything that happened with Madison, I don’t want her getting big news from anyone but us.”

  “Your sisters?”

  “Yes. I have to tell them. We don’t keep secrets from one another.” I can just see their reactions in my mind. They are going to flip out.

  “I agree that’s probably best, then. We’ll tell her together.”

  “Tonight,” I agree. “I don’t think I can wait to share the news. You, me, and Sadie are going to be a family.” I want to sing with joy.

  “And our baby,” he says, moving in to kiss me again. “What are we going to name her?”

  I can’t stop smiling. “What if it’s a boy?”

  “Boys are trouble.” He leans down and talks to my belly button. “Hey, baby. Can you hear me in there? You need to come out with girl parts, not boy parts.”

  Neither of us notices Red standing at the top of the stairs until he speaks. “Looks like somebody has some big news.” He’s wearing his standard leather jacket and biker boots, his thumbs tucked into the waistband of his jeans.

  Sam stands up straight, losing his happy expression instantly. My face is suddenly very hot, the autumn cold no longer affecting me. Sam looks at me, an apology in his eyes. I slowly shake my head at him. This isn’t his fault. He was just being an excited dad.

  “Maybe,” I say, mounting the steps. Sam is right behind me.

  “Do you have a minute?” Red asks me, ignoring Sam. “I’d love to talk to you, one on one, if you think that’d be cool.”

  I shrug. Red has been waiting in the wings for a very long time to talk to me, and at this point it feels just plain mean to keep denying him. I can no longer claim I’m too busy with the animals or Sadie or cooking or cleaning. It’s time to put all our cards on the table and have a heart-to-heart. “Sure. Let’s walk to the clinic to visit Rose.”

  “Excellent. I was just headed there myself.”

  I put my hand on Sam’s arm and smile. “See you later?”

  He searches my face. “As long as you’re good with this.”

  I nod. “I am. Thanks, babe.”

  He kisses me and I literally can feel the love he has for me, transferred into my body through his touch. I know now what it means to be high on life.

  Red comes down the stairs, and I turn to face the road to the clinic. Our footsteps make the gravel crunch beneath our shoes. I wait for him to start talking, to say whatever it is he’s been burning to say to me probably from the moment he found out that I exist.

  CHAPTER FIFTY-FOUR

  I’m really happy you agreed to have a chat with me. I’ve been wanting to talk to you for a long time.”

  “I know.” I hold in the sigh that wants to burst out. I’ve been childishly keeping myself separate from him. It’s actually easier for me to chat with Cash or Mooch than with him.

  “It’s tough in such a busy house to find any private moments.”

  “Sometimes. Yeah.”

  “But you love it here. I can see that.”

  “I do.” I look at him but he’s staring straight ahead. I think he’s making an effort to not put pressure on me with too much eye contact, and I appreciate it. Just standing next to him is difficult for me. It’s like being too close to the sun or something.

  “Your sister Amber is happy here, but I think she really likes New York a lot.”

  “Yes, you’re right. She does.” My heartbeat hitches. She’s relocated for good, my sister. She’ll visit the farm from time to time, but her days of living here permanently are over. Time has changed us. Time and the band.

  “Are you upset about that?” He looks at me, waiting for my answer.

  I don’t know if he’s asking me if I’m upset about her wanting to live there or her being okay with sharing the same address as the band, but regardless, it doesn’t change my answer. “Not really. I miss her when she’s there, of course, but I would never want to stop her from living the life that makes her happy.”

  “That’s how I feel.”

  I look at him, again not sure what he means. “About Amber?”

  He glances at me for a second before answering. “About all of you. I just want you all to be happy.”

  I nod, not sure I can respond without letting too much emotion get in the way. All I can think about is whether I would have been happier to have him in my life all those years growing up. I’ll never know and it makes me so sad.

  “Cool,” I finally say, not wanting him to think badly of me. I’m not a brat trying to punish a grown man for things he said and did a long time ago. I’m going to be a mom soon, and he was denied the chance to be a father—by decisions, by circumstances, by the actions of others, by his own actions . . . Life can be so unfair sometimes. This is the first time I’ve actually seen our whole situation as being unfair to him. I imagine taking off and leaving Sam without a word because I don’t want to ruin his career, and all I feel is a burning pain in my chest. How could our mothers have done that?

  Red derails my train of thought by speaking. “We really love being out here, but I know this is your home. And I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable in your home.”

  I shrug. “I’m not uncomfortable.”

  He stops walking. I stop too and turn to face him.

  “I’d leave tomorrow if I knew it was causing you pain for me to be here.” The leather of his jacket creaks as he moves to rub his hands together. He looks nervous, which is really strange considering who he is.

  I try to be polite and smile, but I can’t. My face twists as emotions crash into me. “What about Amber?”

  “Amber works for us and she lives nearby. I talk to her every day. That won’t change.”

  “And Rose?”

  “I haven’t had a chance to talk to her, but she seems like a pretty even-keeled person. I have hope that we can find a way to communicate.”

  “I’m not even-keeled?” Does he think I’m an emotional basket case or something?

  He holds out his hands. “You are, absolutely. That’s not what I meant. I think you’re just . . . a very sensitive person. An artist, like me.” He shares a half smile. “We tend to take everything to heart, you know?”

  I want to cry over the truth of that and the idea that we share this trait. “Yeah. We do.”

  He looks around, as if searching for words . . . or maybe for the courage to say them. I know exactly how he feels.

  “If it’s okay with you, I
’d really like to get to know you better,” he says.

  I swallow with difficulty; my throat has gone dry. One of the most famous people in the world, literally adored by millions, wants to get to know me. He might even be my father. And here I am standing in front of him, speechless.

  “I know it’s a lot to ask. I know you’re angry with me and the guys. I know you wish things had gone differently. Hell, so do I. I really do.” He moves closer. I can see his bloodshot eyes and weathered skin clearly now. “I’m an old man. I don’t know how much time I’ve got left on this earth, but I’ll tell you one thing I do know.” He pauses, staring me in the eye. “I’d give everything away . . . give it all up . . . just to have a relationship with you, your sisters, and your mothers. All of it. None of the money or the fame is worth having lost you.”

  I can’t stop the tears now. They are flowing freely down my cheeks, and I’m trembling too hard to wipe them away. I want to run, to fly from this place up into the sky and look down on it from a hundred miles above. But I can’t; I’m stuck here, facing my fears, dog-paddling in this pool of emotions that feels like it’s going to drown me in its depths.

  “You haven’t lost anything,” I say in a shaky voice. “You can’t lose what you never had.”

  “I’d like a second chance at it,” he says, his voice steeled against the pain he’s obviously suffering. “But I can only get that second chance if you agree to give it to me. I can’t force you, and I wouldn’t even if I could. It’s all up to you, child. I’m at your mercy.”

  Jesus Christ, this guy knows how to grab my heartstrings and tug the hell out of them. I say the first and only thing that comes to mind. “I’m afraid you’ll hurt me and my family.”

  He drops down to one knee, reaching up for my hand. I let him take it, mesmerized by the tortured emotions on his face. “I would rather die than do anything that would hurt you or your family. Please believe me.” He places his free hand on his heart, his thick, chunky rings catching my eye. I don’t think this man gets on his knees very often, if ever.

  I nod at his gesture. Love is ringing in my soul like a clanging bell. I know he means what he says; the truth is shining out from his eyes. “Okay.” I nearly pass out saying that one word, but I can’t stop there. “You can have that second chance. But if you do hurt us, if you’re careless with our love, you will regret it. I will make absolutely damn sure of that.”

  He stands and steps toward me with his arms out. “I will never, ever go back to living with regret, I can promise you.”

  I can’t stay away from him anymore. His eyes pull me in like a magnet, and then I’m in his arms. He’s holding me tightly and his body is trembling, just like mine is. “I hope you’re my daughter. I think you’re really something special. But if you’re not, I’m still going to treat you like you are, because DNA test results don’t matter to me.”

  “Me neither,” I say, overwhelmed by the idea that Red and I could have this in common. I have a hard time talking through my tears, but I have something that still needs to be said. “I don’t need to know who my father is. I just want one; that’s all I know. I want a father.” My entire body is going haywire. I’m hot and then cold, scared and then brave, wanting to cry and then sing. I have never fully admitted this fact to myself until this moment, and now that it’s here, I realize what my future holds: love.

  “Then I’m your man,” he says, his voice gruff. “I’m ready to be the best damn daddy a girl ever had. And so are Cash and Mooch. We’re ready.”

  “Okay,” is all I can manage.

  “And being a grandpa is cool with me too. I’m ready to spoil grandkids like you’ve never seen.”

  I can’t say anything to that. All the words I want to say are stuck behind a huge lump in my throat. But he knows from my tears that I’m on board with all of this. I am so on board.

  We stand there for the longest time, and when the embrace is finally over, I feel as though I could take a week-long nap. I’ve never felt so exhausted and yet happy in my entire life.

  CHAPTER FIFTY-FIVE

  Dinner is a heck of a meal, with all of our available picnic tables pushed together and people taking up every seat. It’s cold outside, but we manage to stay warm with hot food and lots of wine and laughing. I take a moment to look out over the crowd and smile. These are my people. This is my family. I have three moms and four dads, and a man who loves me who comes with a beautiful little girl I have learned to love as my own. And I’m carrying his baby. Life could not be better. I want to share our news with the group, but there’s someone who needs to know it before all of them do.

  Sam and I nod at each other, and he leans over to speak in Sadie’s ear. “Want to go for a walk?”

  “No, it’s too cold.”

  “Okay, let’s go inside and sit by the fire,” he says. We all get up and head toward the house. I signal to my sisters to keep everyone out for just a few minutes. They get it and both nod. I haven’t told them our news yet, but I will very shortly.

  After Sadie and I are settled on the couch, and Sam is on his knee in front of us, he takes his daughter by the hand. “Baby girl . . . we have some news we want to share with you.”

  “Is it sad news like when my mommy died?”

  “No, no,” I say quickly, wanting to dispel that idea from her mind as fast as possible. “It’s the opposite, really. Something very good.” Hopefully, she will agree.

  She looks up at her dad with her big blue eyes, her little curls framing her face. “Am I getting a puppy?”

  He smiles, reaching up to pet her head. “No, baby. Something even better than a puppy.”

  “Rosie says I can play with Banana any time I want, so I kind of have a puppy anyway.” She looks at me. “Right?”

  I nod. “Absolutely. And you have Boris, also.”

  She sighs. “Yes. He’s a lot of work, but I love him, so I do it.”

  I bite my lip to keep from laughing. Boris sleeps twenty-three out of twenty-four hours a day and hardly wakes when he’s getting one of Sadie’s famous back scratches.

  “Baby, this is big news. Like the biggest news you’ll ever hear.”

  Her eyes go big and round. “Are you getting married? Will I be a flower girl?”

  Sam loses a bit of his smile. “Uh, no. That wasn’t it.”

  Her happy expression falls away. “Oh. Well, it’s probably not the best news, then.”

  I rest my hand on her tiny knee. “How would you feel about being a big sister?”

  Her eyes narrow at me and then at Sam. “Why?”

  He leans in. “Because. You’re going to be one, that’s why.”

  She looks at both of us, clearly confused. “Are we going to buy one?”

  He laughs. “You can’t buy a baby, silly.”

  “You can buy baby goats. And cows and horses. And pigs. Em’rald told me.” She looks at me accusatorily.

  “That’s true. You can do that. But you can’t buy baby people.” I pat her knee.

  “How do you get a baby, then?”

  I look at the ceiling. I can’t believe we are about to have a bird-and-bees conversation right now. I’m totally unprepared for this.

  Sam surprises me with his answer. “Emerald and I made one together. We got together and we love each other and together with love we made a baby.”

  “Oh. Where is it?” Sadie asks, looking around. She climbs on the back of the couch and looks behind it. “Can I hold it?”

  Sam pulls her back down into a sitting position. “It’s in Emerald’s belly right now.”

  “He or she won’t be born for about eight months,” I explain. “That’s a really long time.”

  Sadie looks at my stomach. “How did you put a baby in there?”

  “I think a better question is, what are we going to name it?” Sam says, faster than me on the draw with the distraction questions.

  “Well. We could name it Boris.”

  I have to look away to hide my laugh. This pregnancy i
s going to be quite the adventure, I can already tell. And I am so very, very happy about that.

  “We wanted to tell you first before we told anyone else,” Sam says, stroking her hand. “Are you cool with it?”

  She nods. “Yes. I’m cool. I like babies. Maybe I could teach the baby how to play guitar someday.”

  Sam nods. “Sure. But maybe you should learn to play yourself, first.” He glances up at me. “If that’s what you want to do.”

  She shrugs. “I don’t know. I can either play guitar or paint. I have options.”

  Sam and I burst out laughing as he pulls us into a group hug. “Yes, you do. You have all kinds of options, sweet girl.”

  CHAPTER FIFTY-SIX

  Later in bed that night, Sam and I are reflecting on our moments together as he holds me in his arms. “It’s crazy, right?” Sam asks. “That all this happened in such a short period of time?”

  “Yes. Crazy is one way of putting it.” Nuts . . . loony tunes . . . ridiculous . . . insane . . . take your pick of synonyms.

  “You don’t regret it, do you?” He looks down at me.

  I angle my head up so I can look into his eyes. I want him to see how truthful I’m being. “Never. I could never regret any moment I’ve had with you.”

  “Even the ones when I was rude?”

  “You were never rude.”

  “Yes, I was.” He sounds sad and his eyes have gone dark and moody. “When we first met. I had such a big chip on my shoulder. I took it out on everyone, but especially you. There was just something about you . . . I wanted you to care, I think.”

  “Yeah, I saw that chip there . . .” I play with his beard as I think back on that time. “But I ignored it. I figured you had your reasons. And you were easy to care about. I got a strong sense that you were someone special, right from the first time I saw you.”

  He kisses my head, his mood lightening. “I’m glad I finally talked to Ty about everything that went on back home . . . back when we were kids growing up. That helped me get rid of the anger I’d been harboring toward him.”

  “I’m glad for both of you. It’s hard when you’re young. You look at what someone’s doing, like Ty staying friendly with your parents even after all the abuse you suffered, and sometimes it’s impossible not to take it personally. You feel like they’re being disloyal to you or agreeing with the abuse.”