Courage

by Angela B. Macala-Guajardo

  Once the needle was removed from his arm, and a pregnant bag of his blood lay on the table, it hit him that his blood was about to go into Rox, that it was going to help her recover. He was literally giving a part of himself to her. His recharging process tried to kick start without his consent. He blocked it, but it felt like all the blood was rushing to his head and someone was crushing him. He warned the two doctors of what he was about to do, and to give him some space. He dropped his defenses and let the energy recommence pouring in. The hospital’s power flickered but stayed on. Aerigo heaved a sigh of relief, then rested his head in his folded arm on the table, a funnel of air swirling about him.

  He’d never recharged while awake before. He’d never known he could. The loss of power had utterly drained him both times, along with the recent third, but this was the only time he’d been forced awake during recharging. To his relief, the process still felt good, instead of just mandatory. He also felt a strong desire to take Rox in his arms again, and just hold her throughout the whole transfusion. What would be wrong with that? He wouldn’t be in the way of anything.

  Jenna glanced at Aerigo and popped a brief, knowing smile before removing two needles from Roxie’s arm, which now looked a bit undersized and bruised. Aerigo gave her good hand a gentle squeeze as Jenna taped gauze over Roxie’s two puncture sites.

  Arryk hung Aerigo’s blood next to Roxie’s IV, then broke a second needle while trying to puncture her good arm. Aerigo felt himself grin. Briefly. His recharging process was pulling him towards sleep. He was using all his energy to keep his power in control, stay awake and watch over Rox, and to help the doctors. He gathered enough energy to help Arryk get a needle in Rox, then rested his chin in the crux of his free arm as he watched his blood drain into her.

  Jenna respectfully sent Arryk away. As soon as they couldn’t discern his brisk footsteps among the din coming from the hallway, Jenna turned to Aerigo with a serious gaze, yet soft eyes. She tucked a loose strand of chestnut hair behind an ear.

  “We know you’ve been here before,” she said, “long ago.”

  At first the news shocked Aerigo, but then it made sense. Nostrum City was the part of Kismet he’d focused on when world-hopping. He’d pictured what he remembered of Nostrum Hospital’s hallways and rooms, hoping he’d end up really close to medical help. That made ending up in the same hospital from over six hundred years ago highly probable. But... “How did you find out?”

  “There’s a journal on you and a collection of video files compiled from security cameras. I think it would be good to have you watch what I watched.”

  Aerigo sat up straight. “No, thank you.” He didn’t want anything to do with any of his last stay. It was the second least proud moment of his life, the night of Sandra’s death being his first. He didn’t want to relive one second of it. He’d worked so hard to block it all from his memory. Six hundred years had done a good job of that, however the mere mention of his stay freshened memories like putting an old photograph in front of him. He let go of Roxie’s hand and sunk in his chair, full of shame.

  “Okay,” Jenna said, sounding mildly disappointed. “Do you at least remember anything from the day a psychic named Orissona read you?”

  The name drew a blank. He remembered what happened the first time his body began to recharge, the injuries and deaths he left in his wake, but the first thirty years of his stay never got committed to memory. Aerigo shook his head.

  “Well, she had some interesting things to say about you. I’m not psychic by any means; I’m just a Sensor, but I can use logic and put pieces of a puzzle together. In addition, your aura is blazing information, both physical and emotional. Even though Arryk’s harmless, I sent him away to give you a little extra confidentiality.” She moved to the foot of Roxie’s gurney.

  Aerigo felt himself slip into defensive mode. Talking about himself had been difficult his entire life. He hated it. He had more bad memories than good--at least that’s what it often felt like. He probably had many more good memories, but the bad ones always snuck into his conscious thoughts, smothering the good ones.

  “Orissona mentioned both matters of your heart, along with an impending life-or-death situation. That life-or-death situation appears to be really close, hence you wanting to leave Rox in a position of safety. At the same time, your aura writhes with emotional turmoil, but then it wraps your heart chakra in a cozy pink every time you touch Rox or focus on her. Through your love for her, she’s feeding you stability and healing.”

  Aerigo found himself unable to speak. He felt so naked in front of Jenna. How he felt was no one’s business.

  “I apologize for being so direct and blunt like this. I was afraid you’d run off if I tried to ease you into the information. Both you and the file gave me the impression that this is a very difficult part of your life.”

  Aerigo couldn’t bring himself to look at Jenna. Every muscle in his body was taut, ready for a fight-or-flight reaction. He was wringing his smock in both hands. He slowly let go.

  “I just want to help, Aerigo,” Jenna said quietly. “You don’t have to tell me your life story or anything. All I’m really hoping is that you’ll listen to me for a moment, and at least consider what advice I have for you, both as a doctor and Sensor. Are you willing to give me a moment of your time?”

  Aerigo wanted to say no, but he hesitated. Maharaja had told Rox to stay at Aerigo’s side and go wherever he went. Now Jenna had told him the same thing almost verbatim.

  And now he remembered what Maharaja had said. “Follow your heart, Aerigo. It will protect you from becoming the even greater monster you fear this power could make you.” Daio had confirmed this would happen if he wasn’t careful, if he gave in to wrath. However, they had given him opposing advice in regards to Rox.

  Aerigo said nothing. He forced himself to look at Jenna and waited for her to speak. It took her a few seconds to figure out that this was her cue to impart information to him. Once she started speaking, he broke eye contact with her and resumed watching his blood drain into Roxie’s arm. He wanted to hold her hand again, but feared he’d squeeze it too hard, he was so tense.

  “I’m sorry this is all so personal and you don’t even know me but, as a Sensor and caregiver, I have to help. The psychic Orissona said you’d walk around a long time with a broken heart. Your aura confirms this with painful obviousness. I don’t want to imagine what that’s been like.”

  Aerigo had no intention of describing it. He didn’t even want to think about it. The less he did, the less it hurt. The memories came unbidden anyway.

  “However, Orissona had some good news for you. She said that one day you would find a reason to let your heart heal. But then she warned you that, whatever you did, to do anything but fight it, to not push it away. Anyone in the universe would agree with her.” Jenna took hold of Roxie’s good hand. Aerigo flinched when she took hold of one of his as well, but she let her bring their hands together. Once again, he felt more at ease holding Roxie’s hand. “Stay with her. Heal.” He wanted nothing more than that. In all honesty, his heart had been broken long enough. He loved the peaceful feeling he got from being in such close proximity to Rox. “Whatever those things are that you have to do can wait.”

  That killed the moment. Aerigo sighed and took Roxie’s hand in both of his as he bowed his head. His eyes tried to close of their own accord, but he wasn’t ready to go back to sleep yet. “You don’t understand. This isn’t the right time for such things. There’s too much at stake.”

  Jenna let go and straightened up. “You’re right. I don’t understand. I’m sorry. I was only acting on what I believe is right for you. I hadn’t even considered the fact that Rox almost died from dragon venom. Why was someone trying to kill her?”

  Aerigo clenched his jaws and concentrated on not crushing Roxie’s hand as a wave of guilt seized him. “The poison darts were meant for me.” He swallowed, recalling the moment Rox had gone into cardiac arrest. “This power I’m recharg
ing. When I use it all up, I pass out for a period of time. Rox was watching over me when she took the darts. She’d blocked them from hitting me. In turn for saving my life, she almost lost hers. I have to leave her behind so something like this doesn’t happen again.” It sounded so convincing when he said it aloud, but he still couldn’t find it in himself to agree with the decision. It felt like the wrong one.

  “So why is she with you in the first place?” Jenna leaned against the gurney and folded her arms. There was no reprimand in her tone, just curiosity and an eagerness to understand.

  Aerigo tripped over the question. He’d expected Jenna to rip into him for putting Rox in so much danger, for being so reckless, and for doing a lousy job of protecting her. He didn’t get why the doctor wasn’t angry with him. She was acting more like she was patiently waiting for him to arrive at the same conclusion she already had.

  Rox was with him because... because he’d taken her to Phailon without the thought of leaving her in the safety of Maharaja’s care crossing his mind. Because his own emotional turmoil had led him to Druconica in hopes of closure and forgiveness. Because he needed to train Roxie and teach her to wield a fearsome power. Because leaving her on her home world was no longer safe once he’d found her. Because Baku had asked him to go looking for her. Because Baku had created her to help Aerigo figure out how to unlock Frava. Because he needed to stop Nexus and his prophesied war.

  “You don’t have to explain anything. I just want you to think about it.” She paused, looking at Rox. “I would also like you to think about why you are hesitating so much when you have such strong feelings for Rox. Dangers or not, timing or not, nothing matters in the face of honest emotions.”

  That got the gears turning in his lagging brain. When he’d fallen in love with Sandra, all other matters had taken second place to her and their relationship. The very same feelings were cropping up again with Rox, but this time he was desperately trying to throw any excuse he could find between them. Why?

  His eyes widened and a fresh wave of guilt gripped him.

  Head still bowed, he said, “I’m a horrible person.”

  “Why?” Jenna sounded taken aback.

  “I used to be married to a woman named Sandra. Hundreds of years ago. Rox looks so much like her, and even acts somewhat like her. Yes, I have feelings, but I don’t know if it’s for her, or if I’ve been projecting my dead wife onto her, hoping she’d be her. It’s so selfish of me.” Aerigo propped his chin on his hand and Roxie’s. Despite the revelation, he couldn’t bring himself to let go of her hand.

  “So now you’re wondering if all your romantic feelings are meant for Rox or Sandra?” It was more a statement than a question. “Even with my Sensor powers, I can’t tell the difference for you. Your aura shows the truth, but if someone wholeheartedly believes a lie, then it becomes the truth in a sense. All I can say is that you have very strong emotions passing between the two of you.”

  Aerigo almost never talked to someone like this about how he felt, yet he couldn’t bring himself to stop. Maybe Jenna was doing something with her Sensor powers that made speaking easier. If so, he welcomed it. “It’s not fair to either of them to try to pretend Rox is Sandra. I need to respect the fact that Sandra is gone. She’s been gone a long time now. I also need to respect that Rox is her own person and should be allowed to be herself. I respect and admire her greatly for who she is. But even so, I still have... whatever it is I’m feeling.”

  “Love.”

  Aerigo glanced at the doctor, then, letting go of her hand, got to his feet and studied Rox. “If our situation didn’t required our current priorities, I’d gladly spend more trying to let go of certain things so Rox and I could have a chance, but that’s just not possible right now.” Their age gap was irrelevant. If Rox was a thousand years old, Aerigo would still be well over three times older than her. Her being fresh to adulthood didn’t matter in the face of their ten thousand-year lifespan. He’d been close to three thousand years older than Sandra when they’d married, and Sandra had been less than twice Roxie’s age.

  So many thoughts and memories spun through his mind. He stilled them and pictured Rox and Sandra side-by-side, but then he put his long gone wife aside and focused just on Rox. “She is her own person. Even though she’s not as mature as Sandra, she will be in time. She’s already shown me a glimpse of it. She called me into her nightmare with the dragon, looking to me for strength and courage. I fell apart at the sight of her holding the dragon’s jaws at bay with her feet and one arm. She ended up feeding me courage and strength, and reassurance.”

  “That’s quite the role reversal under such stressful conditions,” Jenna noted. “I’m looking forward to talking with her once she wakes.”

  Aerigo nodded and leaned frontwards against the gurney. He pushed back all of Roxie’s hair that had become disheveled during him undressing and redressing her. His chest tingled and felt like it was filling with an uplifting balloon, but he didn’t quite trust his feelings. He set his hands on the armrest.

  “When we first met, she was very scared and confused, but she quickly began to trust me.” He shook his head in disappointment, remembering the horrid state she’d been in after Daio had beaten her up in his giant form. “After undergoing some drastic changes, horribly losing a fight against a giant, and me taking her away from the only family she had--all this taking place in under twenty four hours--she still had the emotional breadth to ask what was bothering me the next morning. Rox is incredibly compassionate and empathetic, even when her whole world is flipped upside-down.

  “Shortly after that, she stood up to someone she knew was trying to kill her. She was trying to protect the people who were helping us. Her bravery shouldn’t have caught me by surprise, but it did. That’s when I started to truly admire her. She went into a numb shock for a few days, but she never complained or felt sorry for herself, or even hated me. She actually welcomed my company.” He recalled the few times they’d sat together on one cruise ship patio or another while the ship limped to the nearest port.

  “On Sconda--another world--Rox was both childish and strong. She put everything she had into the training regimen I drilled her through and, after just a few days, performed amazingly in a competition that really needed months of training and conditioning for. She took on the attention of thousands of people without shying away, even though she had no clue what was expected of her, or what these people saw in her. There was also this moment in a river where we almost kissed, but I think it was for the better that we didn’t. I was feeling just as confused and conflicted as I have been as of late. We had somewhat of a student-teacher relationship, but it was always more like a friendship, despite all the time I spent just training her. She made it easy to forget how young she is.” Aerigo still gave Rox kudos for tricking him so she could pull him underwater.

  “You do look a fair bit older than her.”

  “The age gap is irrelevant, considering our lifespan,” Aerigo said with a shake of his head. “Sandra wasn’t much older than Rox when we married. But anyway, on another world called Druconica, her training got harder. Again she never complained. The world has increased gravity, which helped her grow more superhumanly strong. She let me push her harder than I thought I’d be able to, which gave me more hope for our dire and dangerous situation. She reached new physical and psychological limits, and she stuck by me even when I grew distant. I’m grateful she did. Druconica is the world where I lost Sandra.” He expected the memories to rush up and begin a fresh attack on his conscience, but they held back and only let him know they were there. This puzzled him, but he accepted it.

  “From Druconica, I knowingly led Rox into a trap meant for both of us. There are beings who want us dead, more me than her, but that’s beside the point. Rox comes from a world that doesn’t know of extended reality or life on other worlds, yet she kept her wits while monsters tried to kill us, thousands upon thousands of people died all around us, the very cliff holding up the
city was crumbling, and while I taught her magics and had her use them to make the city safe again. She still has no idea how incredibly difficult Blood of Earth is. I never told her. I just taught her and she did the rest with sheer strength of will.

  “The following night, she willingly protected me while I had no power left to protect her, only to be rewarded with dragon venom that almost killed her. And after all that, plus her brush with death and the nightmare with the dragon, she doesn’t regret meeting me or helping me, or even protecting me. She’s still sane and determined to live and help me.”

  Half of Aerigo’s pint of blood was inside Rox now. He thought about everything he just said and realized he hadn’t tried to compare any of it to Sandra. He tried to, but for some reason he couldn’t. She felt like a distant memory now. A separate person with her own strengths and flaws, her own life and memories. He would always love Sandra, but she could rest in peace now.

  Aerigo threaded his hand in Roxie’s and felt ease wash over him. It was still there, even after all he’d said. He thought of the night they’d met, the short moment before Daio had interrupted. Until now, he hadn’t had the time to reflect on what had gone through his mind roughly two weeks ago. He’d been surprised and confused. Who wouldn’t be? And then he’d felt heartsick and worried. His past cropped up and present matters allowed no time for distractions. And after that, he began tumbling hopelessly and wholly in love with Rox. It was about as avoidable as having to embrace the other half of his power. “It really was love at first sight. I’d just forgotten what to do with such things.” He let go of her hand and scooped her up in his arms without tangling the blood line. Holding her sleeping form sent a full-body wave of shivers up and down his spine. At the same time, he felt something inside him break. Some sort of mental wall or barrier came crumbling down as his pure, unquestionable love for Rox broke through it. He truly loved her. He planted a kiss on her cheek.