by E. M. Moore
I breathe out. “I kind of hate you right now.”
“I kind of hate myself. For a lot of things.” He lets me go gently, and I slide down his body. He wants to kiss me. He wants to do more, judging by the defined bulge in his shorts. “I know what it’s like to be lonely, Tessa. You can still feel lonely even if you’re surrounded by people. Sometimes it takes just one person to make you feel right again.”
Oh, God. This boy. “Are you sure you won’t kiss me?”
The corners of his mouth pull up. “I think you should stop asking before I give in.”
“I think—”
“Quintessa!”
Startled, I scramble away from Hayes. Oh, fuck. I know that angry voice. The voice only a father could have. I turn toward Hayes. “Go.” His brows pull together as he looks back toward my cabin. I’m hoping it’s so dark my father won’t have recognized Hayes yet. “Please.”
He hesitates, grabbing my hand again.
“Hayes, seriously,” I say to him. “It’s after curfew. Just go. There’s no sense in both of us getting into trouble.” Without looking back, I push away from him and keep my head down as I walk toward the cabin. I hope he’s not following me. I really hope not. If my dad just happened to try my room and found me missing, he might not make a big deal. If it’s two of us out after curfew, he might be forced to say something.
I pull my hair over my shoulder and sulk up the tiny porch. My heart is beating like crazy. I turn to check once and see that Hayes didn’t listen. He’s right behind me.
Son of a bitch. I turn back around. “Hey, Dad. I’m sorry. I—”
Dad looks behind me, his expression stern. “Leave now, Hayes.”
Hayes’s lips form a thin line. “Sir, I—”
“Now, Irving. I don’t want to have to ask again.”
Pretty sure he didn’t ask, but he’s got his coach-like authoritative voice on full blast. If my cabin was any closer to the others, he’d be waking everybody up.
Dad pushes the cabin door open for me, and I step inside. He glares behind me for a few seconds, longer than necessary even, but eventually, he turns toward me, so I can only imagine that Hayes wised up and left. He shouldn’t have even walked up to the cabin with me. I don’t know whether to be mad at him or happy that he decided to stick with me. I turn, forgetting all that to face my father. “I’m really sorry, Dad. I know I’m out past curfew, I—”
“Are you taking this seriously, Tess?” He cocks his head at me. “That’s what I’ve been sitting here wondering while you’ve been out doing God knows what. It’s a thought I never believed I’d have to put in the same sentence as your name. What are you thinking?”
His words smack me in the face. “Of course, I’m taking this seriously. I’m having my best camp ever so far. I—”
“Really?” he asks, eyebrows raised. “Not after tonight you’re not. I got a call an hour ago, followed up with texts of pictures of you breaking curfew. What is wrong with you? Do you know how many players there are that would love to be in your position? I don’t just give these spots to people, not even to my own daughter.”
“I know, Dad,” I grind out. I sit on my bed with my head in my hands. Shame washes over me. This is what I get for letting my guard down.
“You’re goddamn lucky Lake’s not going to pursue this.”
I yank my head up to stare into his face. “What? Lake called you?” The blood in my veins turns to ice. That motherfucker. “Don’t ever trust Lake, Dad. When it comes to me, don’t ever trust him.”
“I thought the same thing until I showed up where my daughter was supposed to be sleeping in her bed and she’s not fucking here. Then, I see her walking back hand-in-hand with a guy.”
I run both hands through my hair. “Don’t get Hayes in trouble. It’s not his fault. He was worried about me.”
“I’m dealing with Hayes myself. I have a feeling O’Brien wants to keep this on the down low because his friend was involved.”
“I can guarantee you that asshole only gives a crap about himself. He’s not trying to save anyone. He wants you to get me in trouble.”
“It seems like you’re doing a great job of that on your own,” Dad spits, his voice rising.
I stand. “Dad, Lake’s destroyed my life. How can you not see that?”
He chuckles disbelievingly. “First, you’re mad at Ryan because Ryan destroyed your life, now Lake O’Brien? Who else are you going to blame for your own actions, Tess? You were still out of your cabin when you weren’t supposed to be. Lake just called you out on it.”
I shake my head at him. “If you only knew, Dad.”
“Then tell me. What don’t I know? Talk to me. You haven’t talked to me like we used to since I left your mom.”
“Maybe because you’re never around!” I scream, my anger finally getting the better of me. “Maybe because you’re off meeting Ryan’s grandparents instead of hanging out with me. Maybe because you’re not asking, and you’re not paying attention. Why didn’t I get playing time this past year, Dad? Why?” I’m so furious I’m shaking. My hands are fists at my sides.
My dad moves forward. “You understood how hard playing for RHS was going to be, right? You have barriers to break down, you have bias to break down. Why do you think I’m hard on you? Why do you think I’m so mad you were out of your cabin when you weren’t supposed to be?” He takes a breath, putting his hands on my shoulders. “It’s wrong, but if you want to play with the boys, you’re going to have to rise above them in every way possible. You’re different, so you’re going to get mocked. You’re going to be scrutinized. You’re going to get teased. You’re going to get knocked around and filleted wide open.” He swallows hard. “But this was all your choice, Pumpkin.” He moves his hands to clasp my cheeks as he stares down at me. “I’m behind you. I know my little girl is tough enough to do this, but you can’t let your guard down, and you can’t put me in a position where I have to reinforce rules I don’t want to.”
I let him pull me to him. My whole body sighs in relief. It’s been months since my dad hugged me. It’s been months since my dad and I talked about real fucking shit instead of surface topics. The wave of emotion hits me like a tsunami. I grab the back of his shirt and let the tears fall. All these months of taking shit from the Baller Bitches comes out in hiccups. The final showdown with Lake where he pulled the rug out from under me lands on my dad’s shirt with salty teardrops. The betrayal of the guys. All of it.
“I know, Pumpkin. I know,” my dad says, rubbing my back. “Your mom wants to send you to Springs. She texted me last week that she talked to them. The coach is excited about having you.”
I pull away, wiping at my face. “I’m not going to Springs, Dad. Please.”
“Look at you, Pumpkin,” my dad says, his face crumpling. “Look what’s happening to you.”
I wince. “Dad, I am begging you. Change Mom’s mind. Be on my side about this. You know how much this means to me.”
He opens his arms, and I go into them again. He keeps his hand on the back of my head. “Let’s see how camp goes. You know I’m watching what’s going on. I’m not blind, Pumpkin. I just want to see you come out the other side of it unscathed, and I hate to say it, but you have to do it yourself. That’s the only way you’ll prove it to these jackasses.”
I squeeze my eyes, and hot tears land in my eyelashes. He’s right. I’ve always known what he just said was true. “I’ll win MVP, Dad. You’ll see.”
“And adhere to curfew? And not get into fights in the cafeteria?”
When I don’t answer, he pulls me away at arm’s length and raises an eyebrow. “Tess?”
“Who told you about the cafeteria? Jacquin?”
His gaze narrows. “No, the kitchen personnel. Plus, I came in and Ryan was on his hands and knees cleaning the floor. I knew something happened.”
My mouth drops. “Ryan was cleaning the floor?”
Dad nods. “He’s a good kid. He’s had to put up with a
lot in his life. He certainly hasn’t had it as good as you.”
Still. Ryan cleaned the juice up? I almost want to ask him if he’s talking about Ryan Linc. Maybe one of the kitchen staff is named Ryan, I don’t know. It just sounds like the exact opposite of what he’d do.
Dad leans over and gives me a kiss on the forehead. “You should get some sleep. I expect you out of bed early and out running to make up for your infraction tonight. I expect you to put everything you have into beating those guys the rest of the camp. Don’t get sidetracked, Pumpkin.”
“I am sorry about tonight, Dad.”
“I know you are. Now get some sleep.”
Dad leaves, and I fall back on my bed, the springs of the crap mattress squeaking underneath me. My eyes burn and now they’re dry from crying. In a way, even though I got caught out of bed, I feel better about having told my dad some of the things that are on my mind.
Before I change into my pajamas, I pull my phone out and text Hayes that I’m fine. I leave out the fact that Lake turned us in. Like my dad said, I have to be better than them to beat them.
And if that’s what I have to do, I’ll do it.
15
The rest of the weekend goes smoothly, mostly because I stay to myself. I get up to run early on Sunday and my dad shows up. It makes me smile when I see him stretching out by the main building when the birds have barely started chirping. He’s making an effort, and that makes me extremely happy. I feel closer to him than I have in months.
Chase messages me, but I tell him I got busted on curfew and that I have to toe the line for a couple days. I think this is the lacrosse team’s last week here anyway and since I’ve told him a few times now that I’m not interested in anything with him, maybe we’ll both feel more comfortable around one another if we’re just friends without the possibility of anything more.
My dad takes me off camp grounds on Sunday for dinner. Just him and I, and it feels like old times. If my mom were here with us, everything would be perfect.
Monday morning, though, I’m thrown back into it all. I show up for breakfast early. I eat by myself, and then I’m out on the grass warming up for the morning run while the rest of them walk by to grab their meals. Hayes comes up to me, looks around for my father while Lake narrows his gaze at us. I ignore him, but I do hide a smile at the black and blue shiner around his eye. “You sure you’re okay?” Hayes asks.
I put Hayes off all Sunday, telling him pretty much the same thing I told Chase. I also had time to think about what he said, and he was right to stop us from kissing. I want to make sure I believe it first. If he keeps talking to me in front of Lake, that’ll come sooner rather than later.
“I’m good. I’m more than good, actually.” I lower my voice. “And don’t worry about my dad. I think you’ll be fine.”
“Oh, your dad came and talked to me already.”
“What?” I gasp.
One corner of his lips tip up. “Not about the curfew, though he threw that in, too. It was about you and me.”
I’d had my foot in my hand, stretching out my muscles, but I drop it to the ground. “He did?”
He nods. “He asked me if I’d been a part of any of the bullying you received this year. I told him not directly, but that I also didn’t do as much as I could have to stop it.” There’s no trace of a smile on his face now. “I don’t think he likes me very much.”
My eyebrows raise. I’ve never seen my dad not like anybody. Except maybe the media back in the day. “I doubt that’s true.”
“You didn’t see his face, but it’s okay. I deserve it.”
A voice interrupts us. “Hey, Dale.”
I look past Hayes to see Jacquin walking up to the main building. I give him a small wave, and then look back up at Hayes who’s watching Jacquin like a hawk. Why the hell are all the Ballers possessive assholes? Next thing I know they’ll be claiming me again.
Hayes turns. “Did you eat already?”
I nod, then tilt my head in the direction of the cafeteria. “You should go fuel up before the run. I’ve been kicking your ass all camp.”
He smirks, but a spark of competition flares in his eyes. Good. Maybe I’ll actually have someone to talk to during the run instead of just my motivation for wanting to beat the Ballers keeping me on my toes.
Before long, everyone else is out on the grass stretching as well until Jacquin is the last to make an appearance. Hayes is standing right next to me when we start off, but he can’t keep up. I’m not too surprised. He has a lot more weight and height to carry compared to me. Jacquin, though, is pushing it even faster today. Soon, it’s just the two of us out front, and I swear the closest person is Ryan who’s fifty yards behind us and looks like he’s really trying hard. It reminds me of the trials when he asked Matt if he liked being beaten by a girl. After that, I can’t help the smug look that comes to my face and won’t go away.
Jacquin sneaks a peek behind him before turning to me. “I’ve been meaning to get you alone, but since Irving is practically perched by your side every time I see you, I had to wait until now.”
“O-kay,” I say, treading carefully. “What’s up?”
“What’s up with you and the older O’Brien kid?”
“Oh,” I say, turning to look straight ahead again. I wasn’t expecting that question. “You mean other than the fact that he hates me?”
He chuckles. “Figured that one out on my own, thank you. Why does he hate you?”
I shrug. “It’s not obvious? I’m a threat to him, I guess. I don’t know. You’re a guy, you probably have more insight than I do.”
“His hate just seems excessive, even if you do play the same position for the same team back home.”
“You’ll have to ask him then,” I tell him frankly. Why he hates me is irrelevant now. Making him suffer for being an asshole is the only thing on my to-do list.
Jacquin takes all this in, nodding. He and I are in the same boat. I’ve tried to think back to when Lake started hating me, but honestly, all I can come up with is the year I was going to win Shooting Guard MVP over him. That’s when he got Ryan to pretend to like me—which I guess wasn’t pretend after all, even though he told everyone it was. That’s the core of it as far as I know. Jealousy. Plain and simple.
“Fair enough.” Jacquin’s quiet for a few strides before he says, “I think you should watch your back though. Most competition is decided on the court, but Lake seems determined to get to you in other ways.”
“You’re not wrong,” I say, meaning to sound as cryptic as possible. Jacquin, the guy who just got drafted and works for my father, does not need to hear my stories from last year.
After our short conversation, and after I’m practically panting from the exertion of running so fast, Jacquin slows us down once again. He slows so much Ryan is able to catch up with us. I can tell he’s gassed, but the look on his face is full of determination. He looks over at me, then straight ahead again, so I do the same.
My body buzzes from having him so close. I try to pass the feeling off as just wanting to beat him so badly, but I know it’s not all that. Ryan was my number one Baller crush at one point in time. I’ve seen him be different. I’ve felt his strong arms and heard his sweet words. Maybe that’s a side of himself he doesn’t show to everyone, or maybe it’s just me he doesn’t want to share it with again, but I know he can be different. Or at least, I know he used to be different. I guess that’s the catch. Just because someone used to behave a certain way, doesn’t mean they can’t change. And I don’t need to forget that Ryan had two chances with me. Once, a few years ago, when he sided with Lake, and just recently when, again, he stood next to Lake instead of me.
But still, there’s something here. There always has been.
In my next stride, I get too far over on my edge and my ankle starts to turn. I stumble, and Ryan’s hand comes out to catch me. His fingers wrap around my forearm and hold me steady. I straighten out my stride and look up at him.
“You okay, Tessa?”
“Y-yeah. Thank you.”
That could’ve been a disaster. I almost rolled my ankle, and as an athlete, my body is the most precious thing I have.
This is exactly why Alec needs to tell the Ballers he wants to focus on baseball. He could over-do it. He could get blindsided with an injury doing the sport he doesn’t want to do, and then he’ll be screwed doing the sport he wants to do.
I peek around my shoulder and find him in the middle of the pack. He’s jogging easily, looking around at the tall trees along the side of the road. At some points, we can even see the lake through breaks in the branches. He’s probably daydreaming about baseball, I realize.
“How long have you guys known one another?” I ask.
Ryan snaps his head toward me, his eyebrows scrunched together. I feel like I know this answer already, like it’s a part of their lore as the kings, or Rock Ballers of Rockport High, but it’ll be nice to hear it from one of them. “Since we started with intramural basketball together,” he says. “I don’t know, five years old?”
“Been with each other through a lot?” I ask.
Even Jacquin is looking over at me now like I’ve lost my mind.
He rolls his eyes. “Obviously.”
I notice Ryan does that. He gets an attitude when people hit too close to home. “Are you guys going to try to go to the same college together?”
He huffs. “That’s been the plan since we were kids.”
“But I mean, since they’re your best friends, you’d be happy for them no matter what, right?”
His gray eyes cut through me. “What the hell are you trying to get at, Tessa?”
I try to shrug his comment off. “I don’t know. Guess I don’t know what it’s like to have friends.”
“You have friends,” he says. “That spunky girl back home and David Russell.”
Of course he would know David’s name, but not Dawn’s. “Her name’s Dawn,” I inform him, putting as much aggravation as I can in my voice. “How’s Rhonda?”
He shakes his head. “You’re such an idiot.”