by E. M. Moore
“If that’s the lacrosse boy, I think you need to tell him you don’t like him like that.”
I glance up. “I already did.”
“He’s not getting it.”
“Yeah, well, he’s worried you guys are going to break me.”
Hayes’s jaw hardens at that. I’m still not completely sure he’ll keep his hands off Chase, so I don’t say anything else. Whatever is going on, this whole fucked up mess has nothing to do with Chase.
And what a mess it is.
“My mom wants to send me to Springs next year.”
His eyes widen. “What?”
I nod. “She, obviously, didn’t like what was happening this last year. She thinks it’s too much.”
“You’re staying at Rockport,” Hayes says, his voice even.
I chuckle. Yeah, sounds great. Is that what I’m supposed to say to her? I can’t leave Rockport because Hayes “Ice Man” Irving says I can’t.
“Things will be different next year.”
“I tried to tell her.”
“What about your dad?”
I glare at him. “I’m sure you’ve noticed that my dad is playing house with Ryan and his mom, so I’m not sure he actually gets a say.”
I can tell Hayes feels sorry for me, but he’s interrupted by his phone. He takes it out of his pocket, glances at the screen, and then puts it away.
He continues to look at me like nothing else happened, but I can’t keep myself from asking, “What was that about?”
“It’s Ryan. He wants me to come talk to Lake.”
“Are you going to?”
“Eventually. But you know I don’t like talking.”
“If you plan on punching him again, can I come watch?”
He snickers. “I’m not going to punch him again unless he asks for it. I just meant I’m not much for conversations in general.”
He’s not wrong. This is the most he’s ever talked in my presence. Ever. Then again, it’s just the two of us. “He is one of your friends. You should probably go talk it out.”
His brows lower over his eyes. “You’re a mystery.”
“So I’ve been told.”
He runs his hands through his hair. “I don’t like the idea of leaving you alone.”
No wonder why he used to stand outside my house. “If you’re going to be with Lake, I have nothing to worry about. He’ll be too preoccupied to start things with me.”
“He’s not the only one I’m worried about.”
“River?”
He shakes his head. “Lacrosse guy.” His gaze passes over me. It’s half jealousy, half fear of not wanting to let me go.
“I’ll be fine,” I tell him. “I’ve gotten through seventeen years without you, I can manage.”
“I have no doubt. I just don’t want you to.”
The way he says it sends goosebumps across my skin. I try not to let my mind go there…to the fact that I might actually have an ally in this after all. Part of me still rebels against the idea. Look what happened with Alec and Sloan, but Hayes just seems different. I told him before he had the least amount of apologizing to do, and I meant it. I just don’t know if I can give in anymore. I don’t want to deal with the aftermath if something bad happens again.
He stands to leave, and I watch him. It’s awkward for a moment. I can tell he wants to hug me. Or more. Definitely more with the way his eyes rake over me. I’m not ready to let him in like that though, and I think he can sense it. “I’ll be around,” he says.
I nod while he leaves. The door creaks and then slams as he exits.
I certainly didn’t think this would happen when I woke up this morning. At least I got a shot in at Lake.
13
I’m so bored I resort to calling my father. He answers, but he’s at dinner in town with all the coaches, so I decide to go for a run instead. I really wish Dawn had her own car, so she could have spent the day with me today even if David couldn’t come. For a moment, I even briefly consider asking my father to buy her a used one just so she can drive up here to keep me company and tell me what to do with all these guys.
I take the same running route we’ve been taking on the morning runs with Jacquin leading the way. I haven’t let one of the Ballers beat me yet. Jacquin and I are always neck and neck, no matter if I feel like I’m going to throw up afterward or not. There’s a lot of inner competition that goes on in camp, and I’m not about to let my guard down for one second. I did that once with Ryan a few years ago and look what happened. Basically, it got me into this mess with the Ballers to begin with.
While I’m running, I daydream about Hayes. I wonder what his story is, why he doesn’t like to talk, and why he’s apologizing the most to me. He’s such an enigma. If he really did like me this past year, too, how could he sit back and let Alec and Sloan take up all my time? It seems odd, and unlike the persona he tries to portray. Quiet, and like he doesn’t care.
I see a figure running in the opposite direction as me. I’m almost at camp, and I get to the mouth of the entrance before I realize it’s Sloan Ivy. I want to roll my eyes. Yes, he told Lake to knock it off, but maybe it’s a little too late for that. I act as if I don’t even see him, turn the corner, and continue my run. Ivy’s never one to let me get away with that though. Even when he’s not supposed to be talking to me according to Lake. “I had to take a shower, you know.”
“Finally smelled yourself?” I toss over my shoulder.
“Ha. No, I’m talking about the juice this morning.”
I shrug, trying to keep my breath under control.
“Not that he didn’t deserve it.”
“You all deserve it.”
“So you keep saying.”
“Because it’s the truth.”
He smiles. “You’re so cute when you’re mad.”
I stop, my sneakers sliding in the gravel a bit at the sudden motion.
Sloan passes me, then looks over his shoulder and laughs. He, too, comes to a stop, then walks back. The smile has slipped from his face though. He looks down my body, then back up to my eyes. “He was right about one thing. I do miss you.”
“My cunt, you mean.”
I push past him, but he grabs my hand. “You and I both know I don’t have any real first-hand knowledge of that. That was just Lake being himself.”
I shrug him off. “I’m not really in the mood to have this conversation with you, Ivy.”
He swallows and looks away. “But you’ll talk to Hayes?”
He looks so vulnerable in that moment that it takes me back to the circles under his eyes and the stories about his home life. Betrayal tries to combat the other feelings rising to the surface inside me, but they all just sit there in my stomach like a lead weight. “I talked to Hayes. Yes.”
A small smile spreads over his lips. “He’s not much for talking.”
I find myself smiling back at him. “I guess he is with me.”
He looks out toward the trees surrounding us. “I shouldn’t be surprised. I knew he liked you, we don’t keep secrets, but I am a little shocked he’s throwing himself out there with you. He usually keeps to himself. I hope you like him back.”
I don’t know why this angers me, but I can feel my hands start to shake. He hopes I like Hayes back? What about himself? “Screw you.”
I try to push past him again, but it’s still fruitless. He maneuvers me against the wooden fence lining the road and blinks. “I realized something this morning or last night or I don’t know, one of the many times I’ve thought about you. My family isn’t known for saying I’m sorry. They just do whatever they want, damn the consequences. I swear when my parents walk through the house, it’s like the foundation starts to crumble before my eyes, and I started to wonder what two little words might do for them. For them to each other, for them to me, and from me to you. What if my mom just told me she was sorry she took the vacation with her twenty-something year-old boyfriend instead of being around for my birthday? Would it mat
ter? Would it make everything okay?”
I swallow. He’s pressed against me, his fingers like a vise around my wrist.
“I thought about it and thought about it, and I don’t think it will, Tessa. I don’t think apologies really make a difference in the long run.” His throat works. “But then I thought about what it might mean if they just attempted to tell me they were sorry, like they actually made the effort to try to make things right. Obviously, it would be better if my mother had decided not to go on the vacation in the first place, but that can’t be changed now, no more than I can change what I did to you. But I’m going to pull something an Ivy has never done before.” He reaches up, wraps his fingers around my ponytail and tugs a little. “I’m going to apologize. I’m sorry, Tessa. Fuck. I’m an idiot. I know it won’t change what I’ve done. I can only hope that you see that I regret it. It’s just that it’s always been the five of us. Trying to maneuver around the problem that there’s someone else I want to let in like that, but my best friend doesn’t, I got lost. I shouldn’t have let him make that decision for me, and I’m sorry.”
My vision fractures before me. Heat gathers behind my eyes, and I try to blink it away. This is not the time for crying. This is the time to tell him to fuck off. The only thing is, I don’t want to. I still don’t trust him, but the guy I napped with in the car has to be there somewhere. The guy who invited me, the only girl ever, to his parents’ house for a dinner party, he has to be there, right?
I clear my throat. “How can Lake have that much say over what you guys do?”
He lets his hand with my hair in it drop to my shoulder. My skin pricks at his touch. “It’s just a crazy bond, Daddy’s Girl. A crazy, crazy bond.”
“I don’t trust you,” I tell him.
“For me, the part that hurts the most is knowing that you don’t. It’s also knowing that at the first chance I got, I jumped right into the usual Ivy M.O. Think about myself before others.” He shakes his head. “I really wanted you to play more basketball, Tessa. You’re so good.”
His words and his actions don’t match up. He never even bothered to look at me while I was riding the bench. “It hurt like hell to watch you guys win Championships and not even be able to say that I helped at all. I was just a seat-warmer.”
“You deserved to play.”
I shrug away from his touch. His hands clench at his sides as we stare at one another. “You were right about one thing, Ivy. Apologies don’t always change anything.”
I turn away, facing down the road to camp. I start at a walk, then begin to run again. The need to get away keeps my feet hitting the road harder and faster. If I stay there too long, I’m afraid I’ll fall right back into his arms again.
It’s so hard for me to give up on the Ballers and just say they’re assholes and that’s that. There’s so much more to them. I’m not saying what they did was right. I’m just saying maybe they were lost and confused, caught between the past and the present, and a friend and someone more.
Or maybe I’m way, way off.
Once I’m back in my cabin, I take a shower. I didn’t bring many clothes with me, nothing like the closets I have back home, but I dress in one of the nicest shirts I brought before texting Chase. He told me they’d be hanging out all day, and since the more I stick around the basketball part of camp, the more likely I am to get accosted by a Baller who wants to tear me down or apologize to me, I figure the lacrosse side is a safer bet.
Once I cross over the short wooded area that separates the two beaches, I feel freer. The guys are all hanging out outside their cabins on picnic tables and even using the small grills that are situated here and there on this side of the camp. When Chase sees me, he gives me a wave and runs over. “Hey,” I tell him.
He gives me a short hug. “I was worried you wouldn’t come over after this morning. The guys all think they’re dicks by the way. They decided they didn’t want to go back to the mess hall today, so we went out and bought some food to grill.”
His teammates all say hi to me, and I think he’s right. They seem to be happy to have me over here. None of them say anything specifically about what happened that morning, but they’re all intent on making sure I’m fed and welcomed.
While I listen to some of their college stories, I get a text. I reach into my pocket where I’m sitting at a picnic table and pull my cell phone out. It’s Hayes, and it’s a text just to me, not like when I used to receive Baller-related texts with everyone on the thread. I’m at your cabin. Where are you?
I’m with Chase.
It takes a few seconds for another text to come through. I’m coming over.
I look up to find that Chase is already looking over at my screen. “Do you mind?” I ask. He looks away. “He punched Lake earlier. If that helps.”
He turns back around, his eyebrows in his hair. “Yeah?”
“So I hear.”
“Then yeah, I think that’s fine. If he ends up being a dick though…”
“I don’t think it’s Hayes we have to worry about.” I send Hayes a text to come over even though I’m sure he probably wasn’t waiting for a confirmation from me. I was right. Not thirty seconds after I send the text, I see him breaking through the wooded area and onto the beach.
I watch him come toward us, and someone behind me asks, “Is this okay?”
Chase tells them it’s fine, so everyone goes back to talking. I try to gauge how his conversation went with Lake by the look on his face, but there’s a reason why they call him Ice Man. He leans against the picnic table right to my left but doesn’t say anything. I look back at Chase’s teammates and try to get back into the conversation. With Hayes here, though, it’s difficult. My attention keeps getting drawn back to him.
A little while later, a cooler full of drinks is brought out, and a bonfire is started by the beach. All pretenses of the guys trying to act as if they’re here for lacrosse seems to burn up alongside the wood they’ve gathered. I haven’t seen one lacrosse stick in any of their hands all day, for the past few days even. Though, I suppose they could be working on their stuff while I’m at camp doing basketball things.
Hayes even accepts a drink. Before long, he joins in on the camaraderie. He doesn’t exactly talk much, but he’s there and accepted. Every now and then, I’ll see Chase giving him a look. It isn’t until then I remember that Hayes interrupted Chase from kissing me earlier. I don’t know why I just sat there like that. I hadn’t meant to, and it certainly wasn’t nice of me to lead Chase on.
I stare at Chase, and it isn’t long before he feels my eyes on him. He turns around. When he sees my look, he frowns. “I know,” he says. “I shouldn’t have tried to kiss you. You’re confused right now and me doing that isn’t helping.”
“You’re too nice, Chase,” I tell him.
Damn my freaking body! Like what the hell? This guy is perfect, but I couldn’t care less.
Just so it’s clear, Chase is at the top of the really great human category. I’m in the middle. The Ballers are dead last.
14
Hayes slips his hand through mine as he walks me back to my cabin later that night. The crickets chirp, only drowned out by the sound of the tiny laps of the lake against the sandy shore. His thumb traces over my hand as we walk in silence. I already know I’m a complete goner when it comes to him. Holding myself back will be the hard part. “I’m glad you found me tonight,” I tell him. His hand squeezes mine and suddenly, I’m thrown back to when he pinned me against the wall, pushing his hips into mine in answer as to whether he liked me or not.
I’ve already decided I’m not going to ask him about Lake. I don’t want to go there with them—or him, I mean. Just him. I told Lake that night that we didn’t have to like one another. I told him I’d stay out of his business if he stayed out of mine, and even that wasn’t enough for him. I’ll be fine if we never talk about Lake again.
“Why did you go there in the first place?” Hayes asks, his voice coming out of nowhere un
til it sweeps over me in a sweet caress. I’m still not used to hearing the sound of his voice.
I look up at him. I barely make it to his chest. His pecs are pretty much in my face, but they’re damn fine pecs, so I don’t mind. If we ever kiss while we’re standing next to one another, I’ll have to climb him like a tree. I can tell Hayes isn’t happily on my same trail of thought. “That bothered you.”
He nods.
I stop in the sand and stare up at him. “I don’t think you understand how lonely it is for me sometimes.”
He blinks. I can tell, aside from the fact that he has the best poker face ever, that I’ve surprised him with that answer.
“No one likes me here, Hayes.” I try to smile, but I can’t make myself. “No one liked me at RHS either, except for Dawn.”
His tongue pushes against his teeth. I don’t really want him to say anything to that confession. I have a feeling he’ll just try to tell me that they do like me, but I’m done listening to excuses on that front. You don’t treat people you like like that.
“Dawn was supposed to come visit me this weekend, but her boyfriend had to visit his grandma, so she couldn’t make it.”
“If you’re lonely, I want you to call me from now on,” he says. Even in the moonlight, his blue eyes are mesmerizing.
I bite my lip. That was pretty much the perfect thing to say. If Hayes talks like that, he really should learn to talk more often. His hands slide down my hips. When they hit the back of my thighs, he hoists me in the air. My legs move around his waist, and we’re finally eye-to-eye and chest-to-chest.
I suck in a breath as his arms wrap around me, holding me like I’m nothing. “When I kiss you for the first time, it’s going to change me.”
The world around us stops. The sounds of the night go mute. All I can hear is Hayes’s breathing, and then the feel of his breath as it teases my lips. I lean forward.
Hayes pulls away slightly. “Not yet.” He reaches a hand up to place a strand of my hair behind my ear. “Not until all the doubts I see in your eyes are gone.”