by E. M. Moore
“It’s my dad’s camp, O’Brien. I deserve to be here because I’m good enough.”
“What about Rockport? Why there?”
“I’ve said all this before. You think you’re the only one with aspirations. You’re not. If you want to be the best, you have to play with the best and against the best. That’s what Rockport is to me. Nothing else.”
He shakes his head. “They all like you. I see it all over their faces. They have chosen me then, but—” He breaks off, quickly shaking his head.
“It doesn’t have to be either or, Lake. What’s so bad about me playing on the team?”
“It’s my fucking team!”
“It’s our fucking team!”
He grabs my wrist and squeezes. I can feel the full force of his hatred for me in that grip and in the power of his eyes. I struggle against him. “Get the fuck away from me.”
The door behind us slams open. I jump and Lake steps back but keeps his grip on my arm. It’s Ryan who comes forward. He slams two hands into Lake, breaking the hold he has on me. “What the fuck, Lake?”
Lake steadies himself, practically growling at his friend.
“We had a deal,” Ryan says.
“Well, I’m over it.”
“I’m not,” Ryan snaps.
My heart ricochets around my chest. I back up, watching the two of them face down with one another like I never thought I’d see before.
“The deal was you’d leave her the fuck alone if we gave her up. That was the deal.”
Air punches out of my lungs. What the…?
“It’s not enough anymore,” Lake growls. “I thought she’d leave. I thought she’d go away, but she hasn’t.”
Ryan runs his hands through his hair. “Just what the fuck are you doing, man?” He looks around the room. He sees me there, his eyes widening a little as he takes me in almost like he forgot I was even there. “You’re going to hurt her.”
“I don’t care.”
Ryan shakes his head. “That’s not who you are. That’s not what we do.”
“You don’t understand!” Lake moves forward, his shoulder colliding with Ryan’s as he stomps out of the cabin, shoving the door open so hard that one of the hinges breaks off.
Ryan moves forward, but I shoot my hand out to grab him. “Ryan.”
Everything that just happened swirls around in my brain. He looks at me, then his gaze immediately goes to the floor like he can’t stand to meet my eyes. “I have to go to Lake. I’m sorry.”
I squeeze him tighter. “Don’t. What did you just say? Is that what happened?” It’s like there’s an echo. My voice sounds so far away, even to my own ears. “Ryan!”
“Lake’s not in a good place. I have to go help him.”
I’m almost out of my mind now. I need to know now. Were the last few months a fucking lie? I move toward him. I let his arm go only to place my palms on his cheeks. His gray eyes burn into mine. “You gave me up, so he would leave me alone.”
My whole body is on fire. My hands tremble on his cheeks, and the more he stays silent, I don’t know what to do with myself. It’s like he’s grappling with some inner turmoil. Before long, though, it breaks. His hands slide around my hips. He pulls me to him, his erection straining against his basketball shorts. He strikes, his lips sliding over mine. I barely have enough time to register he’s going to kiss me before his lips land. He catches me on an exhale of surprise and then continues to steal my breath as his lips move over mine. A guttural sound makes its way up his throat. He’s clinging on to my shirt, balling it into his fists at the same time he keeps trying to pull me closer and closer. It’s like he’s kissing the last few years into me. All the missed chances, all the time we should have had, he’s trying to make up for it in this one kiss.
He seems so similar to the boy I first kissed, but also so, so different. He’s more skilled. He’s more demanding. I’m dizzy with all of it, and I don’t want it to stop. I moan, long and hard.
He breaks away. My lips buzz and feel like they’ve been worked over. They’re certainly plump and almost pulsing at the almost painful stroke of his desire. “Fuck,” he says, like he’s just awakened from a dream and can’t believe he’s here with me right now. “That wasn’t supposed to happen.” He licks his lips. “I’m so sorry, Tess. You know that, right?” There’s an innocence to his gray eyes I never noticed before. Or maybe that’s because it’s only surfacing now. He closes his eyes. “I have to go find Lake. I’m sorry. He needs me.”
My body says I need him, but the look of pure terror in his face over Lake makes me pause. I have a feeling something else is going on that I don’t know.
“I’ll call Hayes. He’ll be here as soon as he can.” He squeezes my hand once, then turns and sprints from my cabin, jumping down the steps, and practically landing already in a full-out run in the direction Lake took off for.
I take a few steps back until my calves hit the bed once again. When I feel the metal structure there, I sit back, the squeak of the coils sounding. My door is only hanging on by the bottom hinges. I should call my dad or maintenance, if I can find a number, to have them fix that, but instead, my brain just keeps replaying what Ryan said. We had a deal.
This whole time, they had a deal. The Ballers would stop seeing me in exchange for Lake leaving me alone. I think back on what happened after that night at Ryan’s house. Sure, the Baller Bitches didn’t stop their nonsense, but the Ballers did. They stopped talking to me all together. I thought it was because they’d gotten everything they wanted. I wasn’t playing on the team anymore. I wasn’t a threat to them. My God. This whole time…
Lake’s shit didn’t start again until camp, until I was basically forced in his face again just like he’d told me before Ryan showed.
“Tessa!”
I glance up to find Hayes sprinting toward my cabin. He leaps the stairs in one go, briefly notices the broken door on the cabin, and then finds me on the bed. He moves forward, and all I have to do is open my arms and he comes right to them, practically tackling me on the bed. “I trust you,” I say, right before my lips close over his. Hayes stills, then a ravenous hunger takes over that has him groaning “Fuck” before he presses his whole body into mine.
Ryan had already started an inferno of need between my legs, so Hayes just stokes it.
“You liked me this whole time?” I ask, finally believing it.
He kisses a trail down my neck. “More than you know.”
One might think it would be weird to kiss Ryan then Hayes right after without a delay, but it doesn’t. It feels normal. It feels exhilarating and exciting and like I would do it over and over again, with Sloan and Alec added into the mix, too. Each of them, though they have their own struggles, faults, and personalities, they light up a piece inside me like fractures to a whole. Hayes with his quiet dominance, which is turning out to be not so quiet right now. He’s voicing his pleasure in ragged breaths and moans that pull desire from me. I want more.
Hayes drops his forehead to the bed. His hot breath hits my ear, making my skin tingle and waves of pleasure down my body. “Hayes,” I say, trying to recover my breath.
He pushes up onto his palms, hovering over me. The only thing is, this puts the pressure of his erection right into me. I bite down on my lip and move until it rests where it feels best. I’m not sure because I haven’t seen it, but I think there’s an old saying about tall guys having huge penises. I’m willing to bet that’s the truth based on what I’m feeling right now.
Hayes swallows and lifts all the way up, and then sits at the edge of the bed. He runs his hands through his hair. “I can’t tell you how long I’ve thought about that.”
I sit up and move forward to kiss the top of his arm. If he weren’t so tall, I’d be able to kiss his shoulder. While my breathing starts to calm, my rational brain starts to take over again. I stare up at him. “You guys gave me up, all of you, to keep Lake away from me?”
Hayes nods. “Lake needs…help,�
�� he says. “I swear he wasn’t always like this. He wanted us away from you, so we bartered with him. We thought you’d be better off.”
He pulls me into his lap until I’m straddling him. He’s still hard, but not as rock solid as he was only a minute ago. It’s probably best this way. I know I was a little out of control there for a few minutes.
“None of us wanted to.”
I wrap my arms around his neck and squeeze, just letting the steady rhythm of his heartbeat bring me back to earth with this new information. I can’t help but think that everything will have changed from here on out.
Everything.
18
Since I’m still sweaty and gross, I kick Hayes out of my room, so I can shower. I’m also going to use that time to try to get my head on straight. As soon as I finish up in the small, rustic bathroom, I lie on my bed, stomach down, and pull out my phone to video chat with Dawn. I cross my fingers, hoping she’s around and not too busy with David. I imagine, since I’m not there for a few weeks, they’re spending plenty of time together. For her sake, I hope it works out because she is totally smitten with him.
“Girl!” I hear before Dawn’s face even comes on the screen. She’s mid-laugh, and I notice she’s in her room, propped up against the ridiculous number of pillows she has on her bed. There are rainbows, unicorns, and suns. Her whole room is bright colors, which I so wasn’t expecting the first time I went over. “What’s up? I miss your face!”
I smile at her, but it’s short-lived. I miss her. Dawn was my rock after the Ballers abandoned me. She stuck by me when no one else did, and even with the short amount of time we’ve been friends, she’s the closest one I’ve ever had. I groan immediately. “Dawn, I’m so fucked.”
Her eyebrows pull together. “Something at camp? What’s going on? Don’t tell me those douches are being mean to you again.”
How to even explain it. Yes, and no. Yes, they were, but now they’re not? Well, I don’t even know that, really, do I? As far as I know, they could go back to being douches again.
I don’t answer quickly enough for Dawn. She widens her eyes at me. “What is it, woman? Don’t keep me in suspense. Hayes isn’t still stalking you, is he? Is it about your dad?”
Her theories are over-the-top. She thought it was the creepiest thing that Hayes would sit outside my house, even though I secretly felt safer when he was there. “Listen, I can’t explain any of this.” I pull my hair around my ear. “Some shit went down. So much stuff. I don’t even know where to start.” I can tell she’s growing even more frustrated by my vagueness, so I explain everything to her. I tell her how Hayes, and basically the rest of the Ballers, have all apologized to me. I tell her Ryan told me they dropped me last year for my safety. My face flushes when I tell her Ryan kissed me, and then Hayes.
“Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.” She holds her hands up, and then sits straighter. “You kissed Ryan and Hayes? You’ve kissed, now, four out of the five Ballers?” She puts a finger up. “One, you’re a lucky bitch. Two, I think you’re losing it, Tessa. What’s changed other than the fact that they apologized and made up some story about doing something for your own good? Do I even need to tell you how sexist that sounds?”
I laugh at that. “They seemed to really mean it. They were worried about Lake.”
“If they were worried about Lake, they would’ve told him to fuck off and not you.” She shrugs when I frown. “I just don’t know if I fully believe them. We know the Ballers are used to getting what they want, you know. I’m just looking out for you. Don’t forget that you didn’t play at all last year after shit went down with them. How could they do that to you?”
I bite my lip. She’s right. That hurt a lot. That broke me, not just the part about them choosing Lake over me, but the fact that they basically froze me out of everything to do with basketball. Was that supposed to be for my own good, too? That was pretty much the exact opposite of my goals. I run my hands through my hair. “I don’t know. See, this is why I called you.”
She matches my expression, looking away from her phone screen for a second and then looks back. “Let’s say there’s some slim chance that they really do like you, and that you could get over their massive betrayal of ruining your basketball dreams…” My stomach drops. I can already tell Dawn thinks this is all just a ridiculous story to hurt me some more. “Which one would you pick?”
“W-what?”
She raises her eyebrows. “Which Baller would you pick? I mean, you know I’d be all over Alec and then some, but if they all really like you, you’d have to choose one. Hypothetically, of course.”
A weird twist starts in my stomach. I didn’t even think about that before. To me, it’s never been the Ballers as individuals even though I sort of, kind of dated Ryan briefly before he ripped my heart out the summer before Freshman year. It’s usually the group of them. They have what I always wanted. A tight-knit group of friends who understand what the others want.
Though, if I’m honest with myself, now that I know more about them, do they really have that? Alec won’t even tell his best friends that he wants to play college baseball. Even at the risk of injuring himself. Hayes, too, looked out for me without telling any of his friends because he didn’t want them to know. What if they’re not as strong as I thought they were?
“I have no idea,” I tell her honestly.
“Well, it’s a good thing you probably won’t even have to make that decision,” Dawn says. She moves the pillows behind her and then leans back again. “Be careful while you’re there. I feel terrible that you’re all alone. Even your dad doesn’t get you right now.”
“I didn’t even tell you that part,” I start. “Lake spied on me when I was out after curfew and turned me in to my dad.”
“That fucker.”
I nod.
“Wait,” she says. “Did the fact that Lake must’ve been out after curfew, too, ever come up? Otherwise, how could he have spotted you?”
I shake my head. “It’s a big mess. He’s doing everything he can to get me to go away again. I think the Ballers are sick of it this time though.”
A frown line appears between her eyes. “I really wish you wouldn’t trust them yet. Let’s see how this all plays out. I mean, I’m not saying don’t have fun with them…” She winks. “But like, don’t get too attached.”
Easy for her to say. I’ve been attached to the Ballers for years. Sometimes I felt like a lost puppy following them around. Maybe that’s my problem. I want them to want me. I want to believe that they actually do like me, and that they wouldn’t do this to me again. They seemed so sincere… Then again, I believed Sloan and Alec last time and look what happened. For months, I thought they easily wrote me off, and Dawn does have one sticking point that I don’t think I can ever get over. They ruined my basketball season for me. No matter how this all plays out, there’s always going to be that.
I groan inwardly. I’m grateful I did talk this out with Dawn because I was about ready to jump into their cabin and get cozy, but I shouldn’t let them off the hook so easily. “So, how’s David?” I ask with a sly grin.
“Oh. My. God.” From there on out, Dawn launches into a detailed description of their sexual antics, which makes me thoroughly uncomfortable, but puts a smile on my face anyway. Before long, she has me rolling around the bed with laughter.
After we say our goodbyes, I feel like I’m in a much better place. Instead of going for a swim like I’d originally planned, I head out toward the outside courts, stopping by the small equipment shed first. When I get out there, I take the same shots as we did earlier in the game of Pig, working on the ones I missed. Just strictly basketball-wise, I’m pleased with my performance earlier today. In the back of my head, I think about what Dawn said, about me having to choose between the Ballers. I honestly don’t know if I could. I do know that out of all of them, Hayes has done the least to me. He’s comforting and strong. I can tell he cares, but shit, Ryan, Alec, Sloan. It would be an impossib
le choice.
I take a deep breath, slam the ball down hard on the court, so that it soars back up through the air right in front of my face. I catch it on the way back down, asking myself what really has changed. So what if the Ballers like me and I like them? There’s still basketball. That’s the one constant that I can always count on. It’s the one thing that I believe I can change the outcome of. Call me a dreamer, but I believe if I play well enough, I could start next year, especially if I have the Ballers on my side…or at least if they don’t hate me like they say they don’t. An even playing field, that’s the only thing I want right now. I just want a chance. Is that too much to ask for?
I feel like they have it so much easier than I do. They play on their own gender’s team. They’ve all been friends for years. They’re so good, they’re the kings of the school. They don’t have to fight for their spots, they don’t even have to fight to keep them, it’s those that are coming up that have to fight and scrap and claw our way to even think about challenging them for a spot. It’s like that game I played as a kid: King of the Hill. They have the better vantage from already being on top. They can easily knock others down. They can see everything coming at them and have a heads up on how to play defense. Those of us crawling our way up have to be a few plays ahead. We have to be strategic. Everything has to be just right in order for us to claim a spot.
The part that’s difficult is that I’ve never wanted to dethrone them. I never wanted to knock them down a peg or two. I just wanted to join them. Yes, even Lake. We both want the same spot, but that doesn’t mean I wanted it all for myself. I was willing to share. With everything that’s happened now, I have to ask myself if sharing is good enough for me anymore. Has he crossed the point of no return? Will I be satisfied if we share starting hours? Or maybe I won’t be satisfied until he’s the one fighting for every last scrap I decide to give him.
I know that he certainly deserves it that way. But, even if the Ballers like me, I doubt they would agree. That’s what years of friendship give you, a fierce protective instinct. I’m just starting to gather that now. Dawn would have to do some pretty fucked up shit in order for me to turn my back on her. She’s the only reason I even made it through Junior year with my dignity—and mentality—intact while everything else went to shit around me. Mom and Dad, basketball, the Ballers, she was there. She calmed me down, she made me laugh, and she pushed me through it.