Falling for Autumn

by Topham Wood, Heather

  “So, you think he honestly loves me?”

  “Yes, I do.” I opened my mouth to protest, but Lexi held up a hand to silence me. “I’m not saying just because he loves you makes anything he has done any less repulsive. Blake’s obviously troubled and I can’t even begin to dream up a good reason he lied to you.”

  “He kept saying he wanted to be honest about his past, but he never followed through. He said we were going to talk this weekend.”

  I cringed as I thought about how close I’d come to losing my virginity. At least he had enough of a conscience to not sleep with me without coming clean about who he was. Blake had always held back when we began a physical relationship and I thought it was because he respected me. The truth was he knew every filthy detail about my past before I confessed. The only question remained was whose version did he believe: his stepfather’s or mine?

  ***

  Hours later, I finally convinced Lexi to return to her studying. She would gladly set it aside if I needed her, but there was no magic remedy for what ailed me. I considered taking my medication, but panic wasn’t the only emotion I couldn’t get a handle on. I was angry and hurt and didn’t understand what I’d done to deserve being dealt such a shitty hand. Why did I have to fall for the one person I could never have a happy ending with?

  I had two miserable weeks to finish out at Cook and it seemed impossible. I was going to have to write my term papers and take my finals while my life imploded. I’d have to call my art history professor and ask about taking my exam at an alternate time since I couldn’t stand the thought of being in the same room with Blake for an hour. I’d have to make up a good excuse since the truth was beyond belief.

  Lexi set her book aside and looked over at me as I crumpled another tissue and tossed it in the garbage. “Do you want to go anywhere? Maybe try to take your mind off of him?”

  “I don’t think I would be good company right now. I’m debating just calling my mom and dad and asking them to pick me up.” I put more steel into my voice as I continued, “But then I think about it and I realize screw that. I’m so sick of being chased away. I had to leave high school because of Mr. Bridges and I refuse to leave college because of Blake.”

  Lexi looked relieved and a few minutes later she returned to her books. I stood up and dared a glance in the mirror. After sobbing for hours, it showed on my face. My cheeks were swollen and tear-stained. My eyes were lifeless and bloodshot; they burned from the lack of moisture. My hair was unruly and frizzy from lying in bed. I was chilled by the reflection and recognized the girl I saw—she was the seventeen-year-old version of me.

  I started at the knock on the door and looked to Lexi for guidance. She shrugged as if to tell me she wasn’t expecting anyone. She skirted around me to check the keyhole. A second later, she breathed out, “Shit. It’s Blake.”

  My heart plummeted and my legs threatened to give out from under me. I gripped the edge of my desk to steady myself. Lexi gave me a reassuring smile before squaring her shoulders and turning back to the door. She opened it and before I could hear Blake say a word, she barked out, “Go away, Blake. She doesn’t want to see you.”

  “I need to talk to her and at least explain myself—”

  “Haven’t you done enough? Are you some sort of masochist? You have to come here and see what kind of pain you caused her?”

  “No. It’s true I’m a fucking horrible person for lying, but I thought telling her the truth would only hurt her more. I’m a coward and I deserve it if she hates me. But I still need to make sure she’s okay.”

  Lexi scoffed. “Of course she’s not okay. And if you don’t walk away in the next five seconds, I’m calling security to remove you from this building.”

  I chewed on my lower lip before making a move in the direction of the door. I sidestepped Lexi and said, “It’s fine, Lex. I want to talk to him.”

  Lexi’s eyes bulged and I could see her inwardly question my sanity. “Autumn…”

  I squeezed her shoulder. “I want to know the truth about everything and he’s the only one who has the answers.”

  I remembered what a mind fuck it was to have questions that would forever go unanswered. Almost daily, I would want to march down to the prison and glare at Mr. Bridges as I screamed, “Why?” Why did he choose me? Why didn’t he walk away before he destroyed us both?

  Lexi looked conflicted and nodded. “Should I stay?”

  I hesitated. “I should probably talk to him alone.” I gave Blake an uncertain glance. “He won’t hurt me.”

  Blake flinched and I could tell it bothered him how unsure I sounded over the possibility of him hurting me. I didn’t believe Blake would physically hurt me, but it was too late to undo the psychological damage done. He looked like hell—his hair was standing up straight in the back and his eyes were bloodshot—but how could I believe any emotion he showed me was sincere? The only fact I knew about him for sure was he had the ability to break me without lifting a single finger against me.

  Lexi took her time gathering her things and I appreciated the time to pull myself together. I could feel Blake’s eyes on me as I leaned against the desk and stared at the far wall. He stood to the left of the doorway and I could feel his uncertainty about venturing further into the room. It felt like we had fallen into an alternate universe compared to the last time we were alone in my room together. Blake shifted his gaze to my bed and I wondered if he was thinking the same thing.

  Lexi stopped in front of me and handed me my cell phone. She wrapped my fingers around it and instructed, “You need anything, just call me and I’ll be here.”

  “I will.”

  Satisfied with my promise, she hurried out of the room, but not before giving Blake a warning glare. I was taken aback by her fierceness and acknowledged once again how lucky I was to have her.

  Once the door closed behind Lexi, the room remained quiet and still. Blake stuffed his hands in the pockets of his hooded sweatshirt and took a tentative step toward me. His voice cracked as he began, “I wanted to tell you who I was so many times, but I always backed out at the last minute. I knew the second I said I was Thomas’s stepson, I would lose you forever.”

  “You never had me, Blake, if I never knew who you really were.”

  Blake’s expression crumbled. “I deserve that. I was going to tell you this weekend when you stayed over. I never wanted you to find out that way. My mother…”

  “I don’t want to talk about Cassie Bridges and you’re delusional if you thought you’d tell me Thomas was your stepfather and I would still sleep with you.” I crossed my arms in front of my chest. “Why did you try to be my friend?”

  Blake raked his fingers through his hair. “It took me a while to recover from seeing you at the Football House. I saw your picture a couple of years ago when you went to the police about Thomas. Delia and I looked you up online and we were able to see your Facebook profile before you took it down. Later, we got hold of one of your school’s yearbooks and I saw your picture again. I needed to put a face to the name of the person who my parents accused of ruining our family.”

  “So your family hated me? That’s no surprise. I’m guessing by how you gave me the look of death at the party, you shared their feelings?”

  Blake seemed to collapse into himself at the assessment. “I should probably start from the beginning so this makes sense. My father died when I was two, so I don’t remember a single thing about him. I have a few pictures and I share his last name, but that’s the only connection I have to him. I was pissed off as a kid and I did get into a lot of fights, especially around the time my mom started dating Thomas. But he started spending time with me and we hit it off…”

  I cut him off. “He was the boyfriend of your mom’s you mentioned who got you into football.”

  Blake nodded. “They married and had Delia soon after the wedding. Thomas was my father in every way but name. He came to every one of my football games and shelled out the money I needed for the clin
ics in the spring and summer.”

  If it were anyone else, I’d be moved by the story. But it was all too familiar and only fueled my wrath. I had wanted to scream at every person in Newpine, So what if he was a nice teacher and a good football coach? Why does that make what he did to me forgivable?

  I gave him a wry look. “So he obviously pulled the wool over your eyes too. It still doesn’t explain your actions.”

  “We were totally floored when the police arrested Thomas. I was a freshman here, but I came home as soon as my mom called and told me what he was accused of doing.” His green eyes became earnest. “Thomas told us he had made a stupid mistake and he would regret it for the rest of his life. He convinced us you were a sexual deviant and had begged him to bed you.”

  “And of course you believed it.” I allowed him to hear the disappointment in my voice. He was admitting to having the same mindset as every boy who had harassed me after I filed charges. The truth wasn’t setting me free as promised, it was throwing me back into confinement.

  Blake looked at the floor. “I found the stuff Faye posted about you online. I saw the pictures and read the stories and I took it at face value.”

  “And you thought what?” I shouted. I stood up on my toes and got into his face. “You wanted to see if I was really Whorey Dorey?”

  I wished he would leave because hearing what he said was akin to being flayed alive. What had Blake wanted from me—to try me on for size and see if I was worth his family’s destruction? The thought led me to hold my hand over my mouth to stop whatever was left in my stomach from spewing out.

  Blake’s guilt-stricken face was all the confirmation I needed. “Thomas went to jail and we lost everything. Delia had to switch schools and we had to rely on the money left from my grandparents to live on. It was embedded into my brain that Autumn Dorey was responsible for every problem in our lives. But there’s always been a niggle of doubt in the back of my mind. It seemed like fate when I realized you went to the same college as I did.”

  I sneered. “It wasn’t fate, it was a coincidence. The worst kind of coincidence—the kind where the universe decided to give me the middle finger.”

  The vitriol I hurled in his direction shook him up, but after a grimace, he continued on. “I met you and decided I wanted to find out the real story. I tried to be your friend because if you found out I was Thomas’s stepson, I would never learn your version of things.”

  I scowled at him as I put distance between us and resumed my perch on the desk. “So you decided to play junior detective and question me about my past? You’re pathetic.”

  “It soon became crystal clear you were nothing like I expected and every fear I had about Thomas was confirmed.”

  “Okay, so you stopped thinking I was the real predator and your stepfather wasn’t the hapless victim of my feminine wiles. Then why did you continue to stick around?”

  “I saw how hard of a time you were having coping with what had happened. I liked you from the get-go and I hated knowing my stepfather caused someone so much misery…”

  I shook my head. “I don’t know what’s worse—you trying to investigate me or you thinking your friendship would somehow fix what your father did to me.”

  “Nothing could fix it, I realize that. It was a horrible feeling, knowing how much pain someone I loved had caused. And I hated myself for not seeing sooner that there was something dark inside of him. Maybe I could’ve prevented you from getting hurt.”

  “So, instead your plan was to make me love you to ease the hurt? Blake, you had to know I was going to find out the truth eventually.”

  “I made so many mistakes with you and I told myself to walk away over and over again. But I did feel a connection to you and I found it impossible to break it. I’d see you at a party or at class and I could only think about holding you and kissing you. You had so much warmth about you and I found it unforgivable Thomas had hurt this beautiful girl I was falling for. I had the insane thought that despite the universe saying we didn’t belong together—it could actually work.” Blake ran his hands up and down the side of his face before resting them against his cheeks. His eyes widened and I could feel the desperation of his pleas coming off of him in waves. His entire being was willing me to believe in him. The intensity of his stare forced my eyes away.

  “Does he know about us?” Who he was stayed unspoken and I hated to even think of his name. Blake was humanizing Mr. Bridges and I resented it. Mr. Bridges was a callous villain and I didn’t want to think of him as a husband and Blake’s surrogate father. Because how could the man who assaulted me be the same man who had helped Blake deal with the loss of his father?

  “No. I haven’t spoken to him in more than a year. For the first year he was in prison, I’d go see him and I would demand to know why he would have an affair with a student. He had been a teacher and coach for almost twenty years. What drove him to throw his family and career away? I couldn’t understand why my mom forgave him and why she didn’t hold him accountable for what happened. But my mom has no idea how to survive on her own. She may not have liked what Thomas had done, but she can’t imagine a life without him.”

  “He’s getting released next month,” I said in a harsh whisper.

  Blake’s shoulders slumped. “I know. My mom told me and Thomas has written me several times from jail. He wants to start over when he gets out and rebuild our relationship.”

  “Is that what you want?” I was horrified over the prospect and I was certain the revulsion was clear on my face. Why should Thomas be allowed a fresh start? Would Blake be willing to accept him after knowing the truth about his stepfather?

  “I haven’t written him back and I didn’t open up the last two letters he sent. I miss the person I thought he was, but I won’t forgive him.” Blake looked regretful. “My mother will let him know about us and I’m sorry for that. I told her how I feel about you and she’s furious. She sees it as a betrayal and although I told her the truth about our meeting, she’ll warp it around in her mind until she believes you targeted me. I asked her to leave today and told her I didn’t want to see her again.”

  Everything he was telling me was too much to process at once. The Blake I had known yesterday was an entirely different person than the Blake who stood before me. He belonged to a family that included Cassie and Thomas Bridges and I had no idea where his loyalties truly lay. I’d known Blake for less than six months and he wanted me to believe he would willingly walk away from his family for me.

  “What I’ve done is unforgivable. I’ve lied to you and although you opened yourself up to me, I never did the same.” Blake closed his eyes as he finished. “But I’m asking you to forgive me. I need you, Autumn, and I’ll do anything not to lose you. If there’s one thing you have to believe it’s that I love you. I tried to hold back because I understood how dangerous it would be for me to have these feelings—but it was impossible not to fall for you.”

  Blake closed the distance between us and kneeled down to press his forehead against my own. My hands itched to push him away, but my eyes closed of their own accord. I breathed him in, understanding it was the last time and feeling lost as I caught his seductive and familiar scent. I didn’t want to be comforted by his nearness, but my body wasn’t cooperating with my brain. I whispered, “How can I forgive you? How can I forget who you are?”

  Blake didn’t answer and I felt his arms wrap tentatively around my waist. Blake was a Trojan horse. He was beautiful and I felt as if he had been my prize after all I suffered through. How could I have anticipated what he concealed from the world? His lips grazed across my own and I could feel my mouth tingle when the peck ended. The electricity was still there between us, despite the fraudulence surrounding our relationship.

  I moved out of his embrace and crossed the room to regain perspective. Being in his arms clouded my thoughts and made me question whether he was truly the enemy or not. “Blake, I can’t be with you. I took a huge risk trusting you and I can’t do
it again. After my attack, I isolated myself and thought I’d never get close to anyone again. You made me feel safe and protected, but my intuition was horribly wrong.”

  “I can’t change what I already did, but I promise you I’ll never lie to you again. I waited so long to tell the truth because I wanted to steal as many moments as possible when I was just Blake and you were just Autumn.”

  Blake’s size was imposing, but he looked very small suddenly. As if his words were breaking him down and leaving him the most vulnerable he had ever been. But what Blake was asking of me was unimaginable. I couldn’t stay inside a bubble with him and pretend outside forces didn’t exist.

  “You should go,” I sighed. I was exhausted, drained dry of all emotion. I no longer had the energy to rage at him. The emptiness inside was growing rapidly and I acknowledged I’d soon be able to escape into the nothingness.

  “Will you call me? Can we talk some more?”

  “There’s nothing left to say, Blake.” I held my head high as I strode past him and opened the door. “You said you thought before the decent thing would’ve been to walk away. Please, can you do it now? I need you to let me go.”

  He joined me at the door and I sensed the unspent energy coming off of him—his seemingly innate need to do more to convince me to give him another chance. “I love you, Autumn Dorey, and I say a big fuck you to every last person who tells me what I feel for you is wrong. I’d do anything for you and if you want me to leave you alone, I will. But I feel like although I never told you everything about my family, you still know me. You get me and I hope if I give you time, you’ll see I want to share everything with you. I want to share every moment, not just the good ones. I can’t take away your pain, but I want to be there whenever you need me.”