Light and Darkness

by Sōseki Natsume

  She understood well the nature of the bond between these siblings. She had also known for a while that she herself was the cause of the disharmony between them. To show her face at this moment would require skill. But she was not without confidence that she could manage. Taking a deep breath at what sounded like the most volatile moment, she slid open the door as quietly as she could.

  [ 104 ]

  SMALL WONDER that the siblings went abruptly silent. But their silence, the abatement of a gale on the way to unleashing its fury, was by no means an indication of peace. In this moment when words had been unnaturally suppressed, something menacing lurked.

  Because of their positions relative to each other, Tsuda was the first to see O-Nobu. Having placed his pillow toward the south-facing engawa, it was only natural that he should discover her the minute she entered from the opposite side of the room. In that instant, lacking the presence to wrap and hide either one away, he revealed two sentiments for O-Nobu to read in his face: uneasiness and relief. She could see that he was at once discountenanced and thankful. This accorded precisely with her expectation as she abruptly entered the room. From one aspect of his expression she took proof and stored it away in her heart that she was justified in a certain suspicion. But that was a secret. In the spur of the instant, she must make her objective in entering to respond to the other aspect. Brightening her pale cheeks a little with a forced smile, she looked at Tsuda. Since this occurred just as O-Hide turned around, the latter took it to mean that O-Nobu, excluding her, was in tacit communication with her brother. A pale flush of which she was unaware rose like a tide to her own cheeks.

  “Look who’s here.”

  “Good morning.”

  They exchanged a simple greeting beyond which the conversation did not extend. Uncomfortably at a loss, they began to feel oppressed. O-Nobu, who was incapable of small talk, untied the large kerchief she had brought with her and removed the books of English humor Okamoto had lent her and handed them to Tsuda. On her finger sparkled the ring that rankled O-Hide incessantly.

  Tsuda lifted the slender volumes one by one but merely thumbed the pages before replacing them next to his pillow. He couldn’t bring himself to read a single line. Lacking the courage even to comment, he maintained his silence. Meanwhile, O-Nobu exchanged a few remarks with O-Hide, in every case obliging the latter to reply briefly as though extracting comments from her throat.

  Presently O-Nobu produced a letter from the folds of her kimono.

  “I found it in the mailbox on my way out so I took the liberty of bringing it along.”

  O-Nobu’s language was punctilious. Her letter-perfect politeness, compared with how she was when sitting alone with Tsuda, made her seem a different person. In truth she deplored this sort of formal reserve, but in front of others, O-Hide in particular, she felt she had no choice, in one very specific sense, but to speak through an artificial filter.

  The letter was the eagerly awaited reply from Tsuda’s father in Kyoto. Like the previous missive, this one had also been sent by regular mail, which allowed O-Nobu to surmise vaguely even without having heard from O-Hide that it would have little to offer in the way of resolving the problem at hand.

  Before opening the envelope, Tsuda spoke.

  “I’ve been warned.”

  “What?”

  “Apparently Father won’t be sending any more money no matter what we say.”

  Tsuda’s tone conveyed something unfamiliarly genuine. It was as if his antagonism toward O-Hide had turned him into a more considerate husband, a change that he himself had failed to notice. His unaffected sincerity made O-Nobu happy. Her reply was warm and consoling. Without realizing it, even in her manner of speech, she was herself again.

  “If that’s how he feels, fine! We’ll figure something out ourselves.”

  Tsuda opened the envelope without replying. The letter it contained was not overly long. It was, moreover, written in characters so large that the contents could be gleaned at a glance. Even so, the women exchanged no comments as they had about the books of humor. Instead they focused intently on the scrolled letter in front of them. Thus it was that by the time Tsuda had finished reading it, returned it to its envelope, and dropped it on the tatami next to his pillow, they were both aware of its gist. O-Hide made a point of inquiring.

  “What did he write, Brother?”

  Tsuda merely shrugged. O-Hide turned briefly away. Then she inquired again.

  “I assume it’s just as I said?”

  The contents of the letter were as she had surmised. But his sister’s complacency annoyed Tsuda. Even without the additional provocation, he was already too angry at her to provide a spontaneous reply.

  [ 105 ]

  O-NOBU WAS able to read her husband’s mood distinctly. In her heart she feared yet another upheaval. And she had her doubts about her husband’s real intention. His normal behavior as she observed it was testimony in all things to self-control. Beyond self-control, there was also an accompanying coldness when he was looking down on someone deep inside himself. She believed there was also something more lurking inside this special quality of his, beyond her ability to manage. This was still an unknown quantity, but she was convinced that if only she could bring it to light she would be able to handle him to her satisfaction easily enough. Characterizing him as he revealed himself on the surface was a matter of no great difficulty. He was a person not easily angered. But why would someone who didn’t, in the English phrase, lose his temper begin to crack open this way in front of his own sister? Properly speaking, why had he already cracked so unequivocally before O-Nobu had entered the room? In any event, she would have to interpose herself between them before they summoned back the wave that had begun to recede. She attempted to make herself a party to the argument.

  “Did you receive a letter from Father as well?”

  “From Mother.”

  “I see—about this same matter?”

  “Correct.”

  O-Hide said nothing more. O-Nobu pressed ahead.

  “I suppose they have their own expenses in Kyoto. And it’s not as though this wasn’t our fault to begin with.”

  The jewel on O-Nobu’s finger had never appeared so dazzling to O-Hide as at this moment. She spoke.

  “I doubt it’s about that. Old people are set in their ways; they believe in Brother. They assume he’ll figure out a way to manage a minor problem like this.”

  O-Nobu smiled.

  “Of course we’ll manage somehow if it comes to that. Won’t we, Yoshio!”

  O-Nobu looked at Tsuda with eyes that appealed, Say right away that we’ll be fine. Tsuda saw that he was being signaled, but he couldn’t comprehend the message in O-Nobu’s eyes. He said again what he repeated constantly.

  “It’s nothing we can’t manage, but I can’t help thinking that what Father says is weird. He rebuilt a fence, the rent is late—those expenses add up to nothing.”

  “I don’t think we can assume that, Yoshio-san! Until we have a house of our own.”

  “We damn well have a house!”

  O-Nobu smiled in her singular way, this time at O-Hide.

  O-Hide responded, returning unstintingly the same degree of charm.

  “Brother suspects there’s a plot behind this.”

  “That’s mean of you, Yoshio, to be suspicious of Father. Father has no reason to be plotting anything. Don’t you agree, O-Hide?”

  “It’s not Father and Mother; he thinks there’s a plot elsewhere.”

  “Elsewhere?”

  O-Nobu looked surprised.

  “Yes—he’s definitely thinking it’s someone else.”

  O-Nobu turned back to her husband.

  “Yoshio, what does that mean?”

  “O-Hide said it, ask her.”

  O-Nobu smiled uncomfortably. O-Hide’s turn to speak had come round again.

  “Brother thinks that I secretly provoked Kyoto.”

  “But why?”

  O-Nobu was unabl
e to say more. And what she had said was meaningless. O-Hide promptly stepped into the emptiness.

  “That’s why he’s been in such a foul mood. Not that we don’t fight whenever we get near each other. Especially since this affair.”

  “How awful,” O-Nobu exclaimed with a sigh and turned to Tsuda yet again.

  “But can that be true? I can’t imagine you thinking something so unmanly.”

  “I wouldn’t know, but it seems that’s how it appears to my little sister.”

  “But why would Hideko-san do something like that?”

  “To punish me, maybe. I don’t really know.”

  “For what? What have you done that deserves punishment?”

  “I couldn’t say.”

  Tsuda was clearly annoyed. O-Nobu looked at O-Hide as if she had no one else to turn to. The expression that furrowed her brow above her small eyes might have been an appeal for help.

  [ 106 ]

  “MY BIG brother is so obstinate,” O-Hide said abruptly. Having been driven into the position of having to offer her sister-in-law an explanation, she felt in her heart even as she spoke a renewed hatred for her. She had never seen a woman so brazen and disingenuous as O-Nobu appeared to her at that moment.

  “It’s true, I have a stubborn husband,” O-Nobu said, turning at once toward Tsuda. “You really are stubborn, Yoshio! It’s just as Hideko-san says. It’s a trait you really must work on.”

  “What’s so stubborn about me?”

  “I can’t say exactly—”

  “Is it that I’ll try anything I can think of to get money out of Father?”

  “That’s it, yes.”

  “But I haven’t said a word about extracting money.”

  “No, how could you? And even if you did, what good would it do?”

  “Then how am I being stubborn?”

  “It’s no good your asking because I just don’t know. But it’s there somewhere, a stubborn part.”

  “Idiot!”

  Notwithstanding this imprecation, O-Nobu’s smile was if anything contented. O-Hide could endure no more.

  “Brother! Why won’t you accept what I brought you without protesting? Gratefully.”

  “Grateful or ungrateful, stubborn or meek as a lamb hardly matters, I don’t see you offering me anything.”

  “How can I offer when you won’t tell me you’ll accept?”

  “From where I stand, I can’t accept anything because you’ve given me nothing to accept.”

  “But if you don’t acknowledge you’re accepting something when you take it, I can’t feel good about it either.”

  “Then what should I do?”

  “It should be plain as day.”

  All three were silent a moment.

  Tsuda spoke up abruptly.

  “O-Nobu, how about apologizing to O-Hide?”

  O-Nobu looked at her husband as though dismayed.

  “For what?”

  “I think she intends to give me what she’s brought if only you’ll apologize. That’s what O-Hide is thinking.”

  “I don’t mind apologizing. If you tell me to, I’ll apologize as much as you like. It’s just that—”

  O-Nobu looked at O-Hide entreatingly. O-Hide interrupted.

  “Brother, what are you saying? When did I say I wanted an apology from Sister? If you accuse me falsely of something like that, how will I look Sister in the eye?”

  Silence descended once again. Tsuda intentionally said nothing. There was no necessity for O-Nobu to speak. O-Hide gathered herself.

  “Believe it or not, Brother, I think of myself as dutiful where you two are concerned.”

  O-Hide had finally managed to get this far when Tsuda abruptly interposed a question.

  “Hold on a minute. Are you talking about duty or kindness? Which?”

  “To me they’re the same thing.”

  “Is that so? That leaves me nothing to say. And then?”

  “There’s no and then! I’m speaking about because. It hurts me to have you thinking I went behind your backs and provoked Father and Mother and deprived you both of freedom as a result. That’s why I came here today, because I want to provide you with just the amount you need. The truth is, I wanted to come the minute Sister called yesterday, but there was something I had to do at home in the morning, and in the afternoon I had to go the bank on the same business and was unable to get here. It’s such a small amount of money it isn’t worth talking about; I just want to say it seems a shame that you can be so unaware of my concern for you.”

  O-Nobu studied Tsuda’s face as he maintained his silence.

  “Say something, Yoshio!”

  “Such as?”

  “Such as Thanks! Thanks to O-Hide for her kindness.”

  “I don’t appreciate having my arm twisted to be grateful for such a piddling amount of money.”

  “I just said I wasn’t looking for your gratitude!” O-Hide exclaimed defensively, her voice rising toward shrillness. O-Nobu managed to preserve the calmness she had begun with.

  “That’s why I’m saying you should put your stubbornness behind you and say thanks. If you dislike the idea of borrowing the money then don’t take it, but thank O-Hide-san anyway.”

  O-Hide grimaced. Tsuda’s mien conveyed his disgruntlement.

  [ 107 ]

  THEY FOUND themselves in an odd predicament. Bound together by the course of the conversation, it became difficult gradually to shift away to other subjects. Leaving the room was of course impossible. Their only choice was to remain as they were and search for a resolution.

  In the eyes of someone able to assess dispassionately and at a distance their respective positions and circumstances, their problem would have registered as something small and insignificant. Nor did they require someone to point this out to be well aware of it. Even so, they had to contend. The background they carried on their shoulders reached out with complex hands from a past unknown to others and easily manipulated them.

  In the end Tsuda and O-Hide engaged in a dialogue rather like the following.

  “If I hadn’t said anything in the beginning, that would have been the end of it, but now I’ve brought it up it will feel terrible to go home with what I’ve brought without giving it to you, so please, Brother, take what I have.”

  “If you want to leave it, go ahead.”

  “But I want you to acknowledge that you’re accepting it.”

  “I have no idea what the devil I’m supposed to do to satisfy you, why can’t you just state your conditions outright?”

  “I’m not making a fuss about conditions. I’m asking you to accept gracefully what I have for you. I’m asking you to behave as if we were brother and sister, that’s all. Then all you’d have to do is say you’re sorry to Father, a few words you genuinely mean.”

  “I already apologized to Father quite some time ago. You know perfectly well I did. And it wasn’t just a few words.”

  “But I don’t mean that kind of mechanical apology. I mean genuine regret from the bottom of your heart.”

  Tsuda had been thinking his sister wasn’t requiring much. But regret hadn’t occurred to him.

  “You’re telling me my apology was insincere? I may really want the money, but I also happen to be a man! I’m not about to bow and scrape, think about it.”

  “But the truth is, you really want the money.”

  “Who said I didn’t?”

  “And that’s why you apologized to Father, isn’t it!”

  “Why apologize otherwise?”

  “Exactly! And that’s why Father stopped giving you money. You don’t realize that?”

  Tsuda went silent. O-Hide pursued him at once.

  “As long as you feel that way, it’s not only Father, I can’t give you money either.”

  “Then don’t. I’m not trying to pry it out of you.”

  “That’s not how it sounds. You said you really want the money.”

  “When?”

  “You’ve been saying
it for a while.”

  “That’s a damn lie. Numbskull!”

  “It’s not a lie. You can’t tell me you haven’t been saying it all along to yourself over and over again. You’re not frank, Brother, so you can’t say it out loud.”

  Tsuda looked at O-Hide with grim fierceness in his eyes. His stare was lit with hatred. Nor was there any indication that his conscience was making him ashamed. When he spoke, even O-Nobu was surprised by what he said. With the utmost composure he could command, he said precisely the opposite of what she had expected.

  “O-Hide, it’s just as you say. Let me start again and reveal myself to you. This brother of yours desperately needs the money you’ve brought. Let me declare that you are a woman filled with deep sisterly love. I appreciate your kindness. So please, by all means, leave the money at my pillow side.”

  O-Hide’s hands trembled with anger. She flushed bright red. Her blood appeared to be rushing all at once into her face. This was vividly apparent beneath the whiteness of her skin. Only her tone of voice was little changed. Smiling wanly even in her anger, she abruptly dropped her brother and turned sparkling eyes on O-Nobu.

  “Sister, what shall I do? Since my brother has gone to the trouble of saying all that, shall I just leave the money?”

  “Whatever you decide.”

  “Yes? But he did say the money was an absolute necessity.”

  “That may be so for him. As for me, I have no need of the money whatsoever.”

  “So you and brother are separate?”

  “Not in the least. We’re a couple after all; take us or leave us.”

  “I don’t—”

  O-Nobu didn’t let her finish.

  “Whatever my husband needs, I make sure to provide for him.”

  With these words, O-Nobu took from her obi the check she had received from Uncle Okamoto the day before.

  [ 108 ]

  AS SHE handed the check to Tsuda, making sure that O-Hide could see it, O-Nobu had in mind a request to make of him. Based on the turn of the conversation thus far and on her own personality, her request was more important to her than anything else. If only, she prayed silently, her husband, aligning himself with her, would accept the check! He might nod with a faint smile of relief and let it fall carelessly to the tatami alongside his pillow, or again, he might hand it back to her with a word of thanks that was simple enough yet conveyed his profound satisfaction with his wife—if only, with regard to the disposition of the check, he would allow O-Hide to perceive a previous understanding existing between them, the kind of understanding that befitted a couple, that would suffice.