Light and Darkness

by Sōseki Natsume

  Having never identified the true shape of love, O-Hide’s idle, questionable pronouncements on the subject were a window that allowed keen-eyed O-Nobu to see into her heart. Apparently she was satisfied to derive from her own marriage her view of O-Nobu’s relationship to Tsuda. That much was apparent from the look of genuine surprise on her face when she heard O-Nobu’s remark. How could Tsuda’s love for O-Nobu be an issue now? And how could such a question be raised by his wife? And what in the world could she mean by saying such a thing in front of her husband’s sister? All this O-Nobu read in her companion’s expression.

  In fact, what O-Hide actually saw was that O-Nobu was either too conceited to be satisfied with Tsuda’s love for her or a dissembler pretending not to realize that she held him in the palm of her hand.

  “Gracious!” she exclaimed. “You want even more love than you have already?”

  Normally this response would have been just what O-Nobu hoped for. The way she was feeling today, however, it couldn’t possibly have satisfied her. Somehow she must make herself clear. But that would require her to say candidly, “If Tsuda is still thinking of someone beside me, then how am I to be content with things as they are now?”

  “But listen,” she had begun, and then hesitated and went silent, sensing that if she dared to lead this way, she would be sabotaging her own plan.

  “Is there still something missing?”

  As she spoke, O-Hide lowered her gaze to O-Nobu’s hand. The familiar ring was sparkling magnificently on her finger. But O-Hide’s sharp glance had no effect on O-Nobu. Her naiveté about the ring was unchanged from the day before. O-Hide was annoyed.

  “It seems to me you’re the fortunate one. If you want something, it gets bought for you, and if you want to go somewhere, you get taken.”

  “I suppose I am fortunate in that way.”

  Accustomed to thinking how awkward it would be if, declining to assert to others her good fortune and happiness, she should happen to reveal her plight, O-Nobu had recourse now, as usual, to one of the set phrases she kept on hand. And once again she came to a stop. Only after she had repeated the very words she had said to Tsugiko when she visited the Okamotos the day after the theater did she realize it was O-Hide she was addressing. O-Hide’s expression appeared to be asking, “If you’re fortunate in that way, isn’t that enough?”

  O-Nobu didn’t want to show O-Hide any evidence that she was suspicious of Tsuda. The trouble was, pretending to know nothing while she watched O-Hide make a fool of her was even more disagreeable. O-Hide would require skillful handling. She believed that making her way to her objective would prove to be a travail. She didn’t realize that her efforts were misbegotten and doomed to fail. She took yet another tack.

  [ 128 ]

  WITH A deep breath, she jumped with both feet. She was determined to cast off the restraints imposed by the circumstances and confront O-Hide head on. But this required her to speak abstractly. Even so, she thought, perhaps the stimulus of a debate might uncover at least a shadowy reflection of the truth.

  “Do you suppose a man can love more than one woman at the same time?”

  It was O-Nobu’s intention to use this question as a starting point, but at that moment O-Hide had nothing to offer in response. The knowledge she had gleaned from books and magazines was related to conventional romance only and was of no use in this case. With nothing in reserve, she feigned deliberation. Then she replied honestly.

  “I really couldn’t say.”

  O-Nobu felt disheartened. Doesn’t this woman have a husband named Hori to use in her research? Doesn’t she observe her husband’s attitude toward women at his side day and night? Even as she formed the thought, the next words issued from O-Hide.

  “How could I understand? I’m a woman, after all!”

  Was this woman an imbecile? O-Nobu wondered. If this reflected O-Hide as she truly was, her dullness was to be pitied. O-Nobu hastened to turn the foolish remark to her own use.

  “Then how about from the woman’s point of view? Can we imagine that our husbands could be in love with someone other than ourselves?”

  “Can’t you imagine that?”

  O-Nobu heard the question with alarm.

  “Am I in a position now where that’s something I need to imagine?”

  “You’ll be fine,” O-Hide returned at once.

  O-Nobu instantly repeated the words.

  “I’ll be fine—”

  It was unclear from her emphasis—even O-Nobu wasn’t sure why—whether she was asking a question or exclaiming.

  “You’ll be just fine!”

  O-Hide also repeated the phrase a second time. In that instant O-Nobu glimpsed a shadow of ridicule in the corners of her companion’s mouth. But it vanished at once.

  “You’re the one who’s obviously fine! Given the circumstances when you married Hori-san.”

  “What about you? Wasn’t Tsuda head over heels about you?”

  “Goodness no! That’s how it was with you.”

  O-Hide was suddenly unresponsive. O-Nobu abandoned the effort of futile digging in a vein where no gold was to be found.

  “I wonder what Tsuda’s thoughts about women are?”

  “His wife would know that better than his little sister.”

  Even as she was rebuffed, O-Nobu realized she had framed a question as dumb as O-Hide’s.

  “But as his sister, you must understand him better than I do.”

  “I suppose I do, but my understanding won’t be of any use to you.”

  “Of course it will—besides, if that’s what we’re talking about, I’ve known about it for quite a while.”

  It was a dangerous trap, but O-Hide, being O-Hide, couldn’t resist the bait.

  “Even so, you’ll be fine. In your case, it will certainly be fine.”

  “Maybe so, but it’s dangerous. Unless you’ll kindly tell me all about it.”

  “Gracious sakes! I don’t know anything.”

  O-Hide abruptly colored. Even in her heightened state, O-Nobu couldn’t surmise the source of her embarrassment. But she had retained her memory of the same display earlier in her visit. Gifted as she was at discriminating similarities and differences, she was unable to identify the connection between the faint blush her mention of Madam Yoshikawa had produced earlier and the red face confronting her now. She wanted urgently to establish a connection, however farfetched. But no matter where she searched, the cord that would bind them eluded her. What troubled her most was her conjecture that a connection must exist between these two moments, each beyond her power to manage. And a premonition that this connection was bound to be of momentous importance to her now. It was only natural that she should feel impelled to probe more deeply.

  [ 129 ]

  RULED BY a momentary impulse, O-Nobu was unable to suppress the lie that escaped her lips.

  “I’ve heard about it from Yoshikawa-san’s wife as well.”

  As she spoke, O-Nobu became aware of her own boldness. Her only choice, halting there, was to observe the result of her daring. As she watched, the embarrassment that had reddened O-Hide’s face was replaced by a strikingly different look of puzzlement.

  “Goodness! All about what?”

  “About that!”

  “What do you mean by that?”

  O-Nobu had nowhere to go. O-Hide had room to advance.

  “I think you’re fibbing.”

  “I’m not. About Tsuda.”

  O-Hide didn’t respond. But a hint of ridicule played about her pert mouth. It was displayed less guardedly than the last time, and O-Nobu, observing this, felt that she had stumbled off the road and stepped into a muddy field. If she hadn’t been so incorrigibly a sore loser, she might well have bowed her head to O-Hide and asked for her help. O-Hide spoke.

  “It’s so odd. What reason can Mrs. Yoshikawa have had to talk about Tsuda?”

  “Hideko-san, it’s the truth.”

  O-Hide laughed aloud for the first time.


  “I’m sure it is—I don’t want you to think I’m doubting you—but whatever are we talking about? Truly.”

  “About Tsuda.”

  “But what about him? What about my brother?”

  “I can’t say. You have to tell me.”

  “But that’s so unreasonable. Tell you what, I haven’t the foggiest.”

  O-Hide appeared to stand her ground calmly, ready for anything. O-Nobu’s underarms began to sweat. Abruptly she launched out.

  “Hideko-san, you’re a Christian, aren’t you?”

  O-Hide appeared surprised.

  “Certainly not.”

  “I don’t think you could have said the things you said yesterday otherwise.”

  The state of affairs had turned, reversing their positions from the day before. It was now O-Hide who appeared to be in command with room to maneuver.

  “I couldn’t have? Fine, have it your way. I assume you hate Christianity?”

  “On the contrary. That’s why I’m appealing to you. Because I want you to take pity on me. In the same noble spirit as yesterday. If I behaved badly, look! I bow to you in apology.”

  O-Nobu placed both hands on the tatami in front of O-Hide, the jewel in her ring sparkling on her finger, and, true to her word, bowed her head deeply.

  “Please, Hideko-san, please be honest with me. Please tell me everything. You see me opening myself to you. You see my deep regret.”

  As she arched her eyebrows in the customary gesture, tears spilled from her small eyes onto her lap.

  “Tsuda is my husband. And you’re his sister. Just as he’s important to you, he’s important to me. So for Tsuda’s sake, for Tsuda’s sake, please tell me everything. Tsuda loves me. Just as he loves you as a sister, he loves me as his wife. So as someone loved by him I have to know everything for his sake. And since he loves you, too, I know you’ll tell me everything for his sake. Won’t you? That’s an act of kindness by you as his sister. Even if you don’t feel any kindness toward me at this point, I won’t resent you for it one little bit. But I know there’s still kindness in you toward your brother. I can see in your face that you’re filled with kindness toward him. I know you’re not a cold, indifferent person. Yesterday you said yourself that you’re a kind person, and I’m certain it’s true.”

  Having said this much, O-Nobu looked at O-Hide and observed an extraordinary change in her face. From flushed she had gone slightly pale. In a rush of words that seemed excessive, she spoke as if to gainsay as quickly as possible what O-Nobu had said.

  “As far as I’m concerned, I have nothing to feel ashamed of. I have only the best of intentions toward my brother and toward you. I have no ill will! Just so there’s no misunderstanding.”

  [ 130 ]

  O-HIDE’S DEFENSIVENESS surprised O-Nobu. And it was abrupt. She understood neither whence these words came nor their purpose. She was simply surprised. What could be lurking in the background of this O-Hide, revealed to her like a benefaction from the skies? O-Nobu attempted at once to penetrate the darkness. The third lie issued effortlessly from her lips.

  “I understand that. And I know everything you’ve done and the spirit it was done in. So why not tell me what you know without holding anything back? Please!”

  O-Nobu looked at O-Hide with every particle of charm she could summon sparkling in her small eyes. But if she expected this gesture to have the same effect as it had on men, she was mistaken. As though startled, O-Hide asked an unexpected question.

  “Nobuko-san, were you at the clinic before you came here today?”

  “No, I wasn’t.”

  “But you came here from somewhere else?”

  “I came straight from home.”

  O-Hide appeared relieved. Unfortunately, relief left her with nothing more to say. But O-Nobu wasn’t ready to release the hand she was clinging with.

  “For goodness sake, Hideko-san, won’t you talk to me?”

  At that moment, a cruel light glinted in O-Hide’s cool eyes.

  “How willful you are, Nobuko-san! Must you feel that you’re the only one being loved perfectly? You can’t be satisfied otherwise?”

  “Of course not! That doesn’t matter to you?”

  “With the husband I have?” O-Hide replied without a trace of self-pity.

  “Hori-san doesn’t count. Let’s match each other truth for truth, leaving Hori-san out. I can’t imagine you’d be fond of a man with a roving eye.”

  “But there’s not a husband alive who’s so devoted he behaves as if his wife is the only woman who exists.”

  O-Hide, who relied on books and magazines for her knowledge, transformed abruptly at this moment into a conventional pragmatist. O-Nobu didn’t have time even to remark the contradiction.

  “That’s where you’re wrong, Hideko-san! There must be men like that as long as there are men who deserve to be called husbands!”

  “You don’t say? Where would you find such a wonderful man?”

  O-Hide gazed again at O-Nobu with ridicule in her eye. O-Nobu lacked the courage to shout the name “Tsuda!” But she had to say something.

  “That’s my ideal. I can’t accept anything less.”

  If O-Hide had become a pragmatist, O-Nobu had also transformed along the way into a theorist. Their positions relative to each other until now had been reversed. Unaware of this, they were swept along by the natural flow of the conversation. From this point on their dialogue, neither theoretical nor pragmatic, became a contest between remarks traded like blows.

  “That may be your ideal, but it’s unreasonable. The day your ideal was realized, every woman who wasn’t somebody’s wife would lose her qualifications as a woman.”

  “But love has to go that far to be complete love. Otherwise you could live your whole life and never experience genuine love.”

  “I don’t know about that, but to expect your husband to think of you as the only woman in the world simply doesn’t stand to reason.”

  O-Hide’s remarks were beginning to sound like a personal attack. O-Nobu was undaunted.

  “I don’t know about reason; I’m talking about feelings. As long as he feels I’m the only woman, that’s all I ask.”

  “I understand you want him to feel that you’re the only woman for him. But if you’re also saying he mustn’t think of other women as women at all, that amounts to suicide. A husband who can go that far won’t be thinking of you as a woman either. Only the flower that blooms in his own garden is a true flower; all the rest are straw—is that what you expect?”

  “Straw would be fine!”

  “Fine for you. But to a man they aren’t straw, so you’re asking the impossible. Wouldn’t it be more satisfying for you if among the women in the world he loved, he loved you best? Because that would mean you were being loved in the truest sense.”

  “I want to feel that I’m loved absolutely. I hate comparisons.”

  A hint of disdain appeared in O-Hide’s face. It was easy enough to see that she was thinking “how dim this woman is!” Anger rose in O-Nobu.

  “Anyhow, logic is too much for my poor brain.”

  “Show me an actual example. Convince me that way if you can.”

  O-Hide coldly terminated the conversation. O-Nobu could have stamped her feet with chagrin. All her efforts until now would avail her nothing more. Not realizing that a letter from Tsuda awaited her at home, she took her leave.

  [ 131 ]

  WHILE O-NOBU and O-Hide traded blows face to face, the clinic was the scene of another drama unfolding independently.

  The visitor Tsuda had been eagerly awaiting arrived before the rickshaw man who had been sent off with his letter to O-Nobu had returned, just ten minutes or so after Kobayashi had departed. Hearing the nurse announce Madam Yoshikawa, Tsuda was above all thankful that a pitched battle in his cramped room between these two nearly alien creatures had been avoided. At that moment he had scarcely time to reflect that this good fortune had required him to make a material sacrifice.
<
br />   As the lady entered the room he attempted to sit up on his mattress, but she waved him down. With a glance back at the flowerpot the nurse who had accompanied her was holding in both arms, she asked, “Where shall we put that?” as though seeking advice. Tsuda observed that the autumn leaves were beautiful against the white of the nurse’s chest. Not until the bonsai had been installed in the alcove—three stunted trunks looking cramped in the small pot with some small stones prettily arranged beneath them—did Madam take a seat.

  “How are you feeling?”

  At that moment Tsuda, who had been observing the lady carefully, was able to ascertain her attitude toward him for the first time. Goodly half of his concern about what she might be feeling was dispelled by this simple inquiry. She wasn’t as cheerful as usual. But neither was she as high-pitched. It appeared, in other words, that she had come to see him in a mood he had never observed in her until now. She seemed composed almost to a fault, and at the same time she appeared to be displaying her generosity and open-mindedness to a similarly extreme degree. Tsuda was surprised. But it was a pleasant surprise, and, precisely for that reason, he began to feel uncomfortable. Even assuming this attitude represented no antagonism toward him, he didn’t know what might lie behind it. Even if there were nothing fearsome lurking there, there was no way of knowing how her feelings might change in the course of their conversation. Accustomed to being an object of ingratiation, Madam Yoshikawa gave herself permission to change as much as she liked whenever it pleased her, and Tsuda’s position obliged him to accommodate the lady as if she were, at least in this sense, a female tyrant. He was obliged to attend, as in the classical Chinese expression, “her every frown and smile.” This was especially so today.

  “Hideko-san dropped in this morning.”

  The words were placed on the table as though O-Hide’s visit were the first item on an agenda. Tsuda was of course obliged to respond. He had been considering what he ought to say since before the lady had arrived. He had intended to pretend ignorance of O-Hide’s visit. That would spare him having to mention Kobayashi’s name when he was asked how he knew.