Light and Darkness

by Sōseki Natsume

  “You’re sure you don’t mind? You know how undiplomatic I can be, I often find myself regretting having spoken my mind after the fact, when it’s too late to take it back.”

  “Please feel free.”

  “But if I make you angry at me, the damage is done. Apologizing afterward won’t make any difference—I’ll have played the fool and I don’t want that.”

  “But so long as nothing you could say will bother me.”

  “I suppose, if you’re sure about that.”

  “I promise. True or false, I couldn’t get angry about anything you said. So you shouldn’t feel in the least constrained.”

  Having decided it was far easier to place all the responsibility on his companion’s shoulders, Tsuda followed his promise with an encouraging look at the lady, as if to prompt her. It was then, having solicited and received assurance repeatedly, that she finally spoke out.

  “Forgive me if I’m mistaken. Secretly, I don’t think you truly care for O-Nobu as much as everyone supposes. Unlike Hideko-san, I’ve suspected as much for quite a while. Are my observations accurate?”

  Tsuda was unmoved.

  “Of course. Didn’t I tell you before that I don’t care for O-Nobu that much?”

  “But you were just being agreeable.”

  “I was telling the truth.”

  This Madam adamantly refused to accept.

  “You shouldn’t try to fool me, of all people. Very well then, may I go on?”

  “Please.”

  “Even though you don’t care that much for Nobuko-san, you do everything in your power to have others think that you adore her, am I right?”

  “Did O-Nobu say anything of the sort?”

  “No!” she retorted crisply. “But you say it all the time. I can read it clearly in your face and in your attitude.”

  The matron paused a minute. Then she continued.

  “I’ve hit the target, haven’t I? And that isn’t all—I even understand exactly your reason for sustaining appearances.”

  [ 136 ]

  THIS WAS the first time Tsuda had heard Madam Yoshikawa speak this way. He hadn’t troubled himself with speculation about how she viewed his marriage from the sidelines, and now he had an inkling. Thinking she might at least have alerted him sooner, he decided nonetheless that he was well advised to listen patiently to her assessments. “Why not just say everything on your mind? It will help me understand how to carry on from here.”

  Having come thus far, Madam would hardly have been able to restrain herself even without an invitation from Tsuda, and she proceeded to lay out in front of him everything that remained on her mind.

  “I know you treat Nobuko-san so well because you feel an obligation to my husband and Okamoto. If you’d like to hear it even more bluntly, I can oblige you. You make it appear to others that you care for her deeply, while in your heart that isn’t exactly so—am I right or am I wrong?”

  Tsuda would never have dreamed that his companion was observing him so cynically.

  “That’s how I appear to you?”

  “Indeed it is!”

  She might as well have slashed him with a Japanese sword. Reeling, he sought an explanation.

  “What is it about me that you see?”

  “Why bother to conceal it?”

  “I’m not aware of concealing anything.”

  Madam bore down with confidence that ten out of ten of her assumptions were accurate. Tsuda was unable to concede entirely, and the vagueness of his responses suggested unspoken reservations. It was easily seen that these would become the seeds of further misunderstanding. Repeating herself endlessly, the lady drove Tsuda in precisely the direction she wished him to move.

  “Concealing things simply won’t do! You make it impossible for me to continue.”

  Tsuda was determined to hear the rest. As he listened to what followed, he found he had no choice but to accept every one of her conclusions.

  “Is that clear enough?” When she had driven him into a corner, she advanced yet another step.

  “You’re making a big mistake. You’re putting me in the same boat as my husband. And you make no distinction between my husband and Okamoto. Perhaps that’s understandable, but it’s absurd of you, a huge misunderstanding, to lump me together with them, at least where this issue is concerned. It’s astonishing to me that someone who’s read as many books as you have should make such a simple mistake.”

  Tsuda had managed at last to understand the lady’s position. He remained uncertain, however, where that position located her in relation to himself.

  “It should be plain as day. I’m different because I’m the only one with a special connection to you.”

  Tsuda perfectly understood the substance of their “special connection.” But that wasn’t the issue at hand. After all, precisely because he did understand, he had been careful to make sure to this day that his actions had been appropriately shaped and colored to reflect the connection. Determining more clearly just how it was governing the lady was likely to uncover a new problem; realizing as much, Tsuda sensed that merely acknowledging his misunderstanding would no longer be adequate.

  The lady declared herself unambiguously.

  “I’m on your side.”

  “I’ve never doubted that. I believe it absolutely. And I’m grateful to you for it. But how do you mean that? I wonder what it means to you to be on my side in this case. I’m such a lamebrain I’m not sure I understand what you mean. If you could be a little clearer.”

  “In this case I believe there’s only one way I can be on your side.”

  “But you probably—”

  Madam Yoshikawa rested her gaze on Tsuda’s face. He supposed he was in for more aggravation. But the lady’s question, an abrupt change, suggested otherwise.

  “Will you listen to what I say or won’t you?”

  Tsuda had retained his common sense. He considered what anyone driven into a place like this would have to think. But he lacked the courage to make clear what he was thinking in front of the lady. As a result he felt stymied. Unable to say he would or would not listen, he hesitated.

  “You might as well say what you’re thinking.”

  “I won’t accept ‘might as well.’ It’s hard for me to speak when you sound so unsure.”

  “It’s just that—”

  “Never mind ‘it’s just that’—be a man for heaven’s sake and say you’ll listen!”

  [ 137 ]

  TSUDA HAD no idea what sort of request was likely to issue from Madam, and he was secretly afraid. It would be terrible to find himself in a vice that compelled him to retract his now avowed willingness to engage with her. He tried imagining how the lady would behave if that were to happen. In view of her station and personality, and taking into consideration their special connection, she could hardly be expected to let him off the hook. Eternally unpardoned in her presence, he would become a living corpse, a man in a deep coma who had been deprived of all means of revival. A cautious man, he lacked the courage to venture into perilous territory whence the chances of returning alive were by no means assured.

  Madam was unlike an ordinary person; there was no telling what sort of painful subject she might broach. Having grown accustomed to living for years in an environment that allowed her an excess of freedom, she was nearly blind to her own unreasonableness. In a word, virtually anything was acceptable. In the rare instance when a subject exceeded even her own limits, she obstinately willed it back across the line. Unburdened as she was by any pressing need to dissect her own motives, she enjoyed latitude that made things particularly difficult. Perhaps it wasn’t as much latitude as a prodigality with regard to her own feelings. Having resolved as she went into action arranging other people’s lives that everything she did was a manifestation of kindness and good intentions and accordingly selfless, there was no reason she should ever feel assailed by uneasiness. Since from the outset her self-criticism remained inactive and the criticism of others went un
heard or was never communicated to her, her current state of mind was an inevitable outcome.

  Having been brought to bay by the lady, such were the thoughts that heaped and twisted in Tsuda’s mind, leaving him more than ever rattled.

  Madam observed him and finally laughed aloud.

  “What are you wracking your brains about? I suppose you’re thinking I’m about to say something unreasonable again. Well, let me guarantee you I’m not thinking of anything immoral. This is something you could do effortlessly if you just put your mind to it. And the result would only benefit you.”

  “It would be that easy?”

  “Simple as a joke. You might think of it as sort of a game, a bit of mischief. So take the plunge and say you’ll do it.”

  To Tsuda, the lady was talking in riddles. But he was beginning to feel, so long as it was only mischief she had in mind, why not? At last he acceded.

  “I don’t really understand, but I might as well give it a try. What did you have in mind?”

  But the lady was in no hurry to explain the nature of this caprice. With Tsuda’s assurance in hand, she changed the subject again. But this topic was in every sense at a vast remove from simple mischief. To Tsuda it was a matter of looming importance.

  The lady introduced it in the following way.

  “Have you run into Kiyoko-san since then?”

  “No—”

  Tsuda was startled, but not simply because of the abruptness of the question. It was hearing the name of the woman who had unexpectedly dropped him from the lips of the lady who bore half the responsibility for letting her get away. Madam pressed on.

  “Then you’re not aware of what she’s doing now?”

  “No idea.”

  “And that doesn’t bother you?”

  “What if it did? She’s already gone off and married someone else.”

  “I can’t recall if you went to the reception?”

  “I didn’t—I thought about it, but it seemed awkward.”

  “But you received an invitation?”

  “Yes.”

  “Apparently Kiyoko-san didn’t show up at your reception.”

  “No.”

  “You sent her an invitation?”

  “Yes, I did.”

  “So not since then—that was the last time?”

  “Good thing it was. It would be a problem otherwise.”

  “Perhaps. But there are problems and there are problems.”

  Tsuda wasn’t sure what Madam meant. Before explaining, she tacked yet again.

  “Does Nobuko-san know about Kiyoko-san?”

  Tsuda felt clogged again. Without interrogating Kobayashi, he couldn’t say with certainty. The lady tried a different approach.

  “You haven’t told her anything?”

  “Of course not.”

  “So Nobuko-san is completely ignorant? About what happened?”

  “In any event, she hasn’t heard anything from me.”

  “So she’s oblivious. Or could it be she suspects something?”

  “I wonder—”

  Tsuda had to think. But deliberation didn’t lead him to a conclusion.

  [ 138 ]

  AS THEY spoke, Tsuda encountered something in his companion’s thinking that had never occurred to him. Until now he had never questioned his assumption that keeping O-Nobu in the dark about Kiyoko was at once convenient for him and in accordance with Madam Yoshikawa’s wishes. But now it appeared, no matter what he may have thought about it, that Madam was hoping O-Nobu suspected something.

  “I can’t imagine she doesn’t have some vague idea,” the lady said. Knowing O-Nobu’s personality made it that much harder for Tsuda to reply.

  “Is that something important to know?”

  “Absolutely.”

  Tsuda couldn’t imagine why. He replied nonetheless.

  “If it’s so important, should I talk to her?”

  The matron laughed.

  “At this late date that would ruin everything. You must play dumb until the bitter end.”

  With this the lady came to a full stop and then began anew.

  “Would you care to hear my conclusion? Clever as she is, I believe Nobuko-san must have sensed something already. I’m not saying she knows everything, and we’d have a time of it if she did. I think she knows and doesn’t know, which couldn’t be better. From what I observe, I believe that Nobuko-san is in exactly the place I’ve made to order for her.”

  What else could Tsuda say but “Is that so?” To himself, however, he was thinking the lady had very little in the way of evidence to lead her to such a conclusion. But she spoke as if she had.

  “Otherwise why would she feel she had to bluff?”

  This was the first time she had characterized O-Nobu’s attitude as bluffing. He questioned her choice of words; on the other hand, how could he help affirming straight away the cynicism it conveyed? Nevertheless he was unable to accede without hesitating. Once again, Madam laughed carelessly.

  “You needn’t worry. Even if it turns out she’s completely in the dark, there are any number of hands I can play.”

  Tsuda waited in silence for the continuation, but there was none; the conversation abruptly turned back to Kiyoko.

  “I imagine you still have feelings for Kiyoko-san?”

  “Certainly not.”

  “You feel nothing at all?”

  “Nothing.”

  “That’s called a man’s lie.”

  Tsuda hadn’t intended to lie, but now he noticed that he wasn’t telling the whole truth.

  “Do I appear to have feelings?”

  “Of course not. Obviously!”

  “Then why do you conclude I do?”

  “For just that reason. Because they don’t appear.”

  Her logic was the opposite of the expected. And yet somehow there was nothing outrageous about it. Now she expanded with evident self-satisfaction.

  “Some people assume that what’s on the surface is what’s inside. As for me, precisely because those feelings of yours don’t emerge, I can’t help thinking you must be keeping them pent up inside.”

  “That’s because you approach me with a preconception of how it must be.”

  “And what’s so unreasonable about presuming that something is the way it must be?”

  “It’s a bother to be arbitrarily interpreted that way.”

  “When have I arbitrarily interpreted anything? I’m not sharing an interpretation; this is fact. I’m stating a fact known only to you and me. It’s a fact—you may be able to deceive others, but how can you expect to hide it from me when I know all about it? It would be one thing if it were a fact relating only to you, but this is a fact for us both, and until we’ve discussed it and buried it somewhere, so long as it lingers in memory, it’s not about to fade away.”

  “Then let’s get on with the discussion part so we can bury it.”

  “But why? Why must it be buried? Why not turn it to good use instead?”

  “To good use? I prefer to stay far away from treachery.”

  “Who’s talking about treachery? Have I suggested you should stoop so low?”

  “But you—”

  “You haven’t finished listening to what I have to say.”

  Tsuda’s eyes burned with curiosity.

  [ 139 ]

  IT WAS very much as if Madam had felled Tsuda by thrusting proof of his lingering attachment in his face. His attitude following the equivalent of a confession brought to a conclusion one round of their match and spurred the lady on. But it turned out she wasn’t, where this matter was concerned, quite the arbitrary tyrant Tsuda had anticipated. In fact, she appeared to be observing his psychological state minutely. Having won the first round, she showed him certified proof of her victory.

  “I’m not just grasping at clouds when I make a fuss about your attachment. I have firm hold of something substantial that satisfies me. I feel I could explain how it is with you to others if I chose.”

  T
suda hadn’t the vaguest notion what she was talking about.

  “I wish you’d explain it to me.”

  “If you like. But I should say that my explanation will amount to an explanation of you.”

  “By all means, have at it.”

  The lady burst out laughing.

  “Are you just pretending to be as dumb as you sound? Here you are in person, you yourself, and you tell me that self is something you don’t understand and must be explained—how ridiculous.”

  If the lady had it right, it was indeed ridiculous. Tsuda thought a moment.

  “But I don’t understand myself.”

  “Nonsense!”

  “Then maybe I haven’t let it in?”

  “You’ve let it in, all right.”

  “What have I been doing then? Have I been hiding what I know from myself, is that what it comes down to?”

  “I’d say so, yes.”

  Tsuda gave up. What point could there be in attempting to conceal anything even as he was being driven into a corner?

  “I can’t help it if I am ridiculous, I’ll take the criticism and content myself with it, so please do explain.”

  The lady released a faint sigh.

  “You’re no challenge at all. I’ve poured my heart into preparing for this, but if you’re going to roll over and play dead, I’ve gone to all this trouble for nothing. Perhaps it would be just as well if I left now—”

  This only drew Tsuda deeper into a maze. He knew he was being lured in, but he felt compelled nonetheless to chase after his companion. His curiosity functioned powerfully in this. His sense of obligation to the lady and his desire to accord with her were also no small part of it. Repeating himself more than once, he pressed her to explain.

  “Very well,” she agreed at last, appearing if anything highly satisfied with herself. “But I must ask you something first,” she warned, catching Tsuda off guard before she had fairly begun.

  “Why didn’t you marry Kiyoko-san?”

  The question was startling; Tsuda quietly caught his breath. The lady observed him in his silence and only then began anew.

  “Let me put it another way—why didn’t Kiyoko-san marry you?”