A Season of Hopes and Dreams

by Lynsey James

  ‘I’ll stay here with you,’ I reply, shuffling round in my seat. ‘I’m seeing him for dinner tomorrow night; don’t want him getting sick of me just yet! Although, according to Amanda, that’s going to happen soon enough anyway.’

  Zara scoffs and shoots a grimace in Amanda’s direction. ‘Ugh, what does she know? Judging by the look on his face when you went over, he won’t be getting sick of you any time soon. He looked like he’d won the lottery when you were on his lap too. Don’t listen to someone as toxic as Amanda; she’s probably jealous of you.’

  I chuckle good-naturedly and shake my head. ‘Thanks, Zara, but I don’t think so! She’s got a successful job, she looks fantastic, and she’s worked all over the world. What could she possibly have to be jealous of?’

  ‘Well, for one thing, she hasn’t got that dopey bugger’s attention, has she? She might be successful and that’s great, but there are some things money can’t buy.’ Zara nods over to where Scott’s looking at me again. His friends are all participating in what looks like a really animated conversation, but he looks half a world away as he stares at me.

  ‘Yeah, I suppose you’re right.’ I feel my insides grow warmer as I smile back. ‘I can’t believe he actually likes me, if I’m honest. Feels like some sort of dream. The first time we met, it was because I’d got my feet trapped in a dodgy rowing machine.’

  Zara chuckles and shakes her head. ‘I think that’d be described in the movies as a meet-cute. And you’d better believe he likes you; I know that’s not easy after what you went through at school, but he does. Don’t let your self-doubt or your battle with your size ruin things. Basically, what I’m saying is don’t be me.’

  Although she tries to style it out, I hear a little sob escape. When I look up, tears are streaming down her face.

  ‘Craig and I ended because I felt like a failure for not being able to give him a baby. I blamed the fact I let myself get to twenty stone for everything that happened to us, and thought he was better off without me. I miss him like hell, Cleo, but I don’t know what to do.’

  ‘Why don’t you call him, see if you can work things out? He might be missing you as much as you’re missing him. Go on, go outside and ring him; I’ll get the next round of drinks in if you like.’

  Zara flashes me an uncertain smile and slips out of the booth to go and phone Craig. I feel a little flutter in my heart; it’s always lovely to know you’ve helped someone. Now, I’ve just got to hope that he’s missing her as much as she misses him. Just as I’m about to go to the bar, I see Scott heading for the door. He doesn’t look particularly happy.

  ‘Hey, is everything OK?’ I ask, putting my hand on his arm.

  ‘Yeah, I just… I’ve got to go outside and make a phone call. I’ll be back in a bit.’ He stalks off towards the door and slams it hard behind him.

  I wonder if Amanda’s said something to him, but she’s sitting in the corner by herself with her untouched vodka and orange. I feel a surge of pity as I look at her; nobody’s gone up to her all night and she looks really lonely. Then again, I remind myself, she gets off on making people feel isolated.

  Could Zara be right about her having problems of her own? For someone who was so popular in high school, she doesn’t seem to have a group of devoted followers around her now. Maybe her life isn’t as perfect as she wants everyone to believe it is.

  I catch her eye on my way to the bar, but she just rolls her eyes and looks away. Some things never change.

  While I’m waiting for Ben to take my drinks order, Scott’s friend Gary comes to join me.

  ‘So you’re the famous Cleo,’ he says with a grin. ‘It was great meeting you; Scotty-boy never stops banging on about you. He goes out of his way to bring the conversation round to you!’

  I lower my head and smile. ‘Sorry if he’s bored you all rigid! I didn’t think he’d mention me to his mates at all; we only met at the gym a few weeks ago when he helped me get out of a rowing machine.’

  Gary nods. ‘Yup, we’ve heard the rowing-machine story quite a few times! We all got on his case about telling you he liked you, mostly so we could actually meet you and see if you were real.’

  ‘Well, here I am!’ I say, gesturing to myself. ‘One hundred per cent real.’

  ‘You certainly are! It’s nice to see Scott happy, to be honest. Even if you’re not the type he usually goes for.’

  That strikes a chord with me, and I suddenly remember his allusions to his last relationship not ending well.

  ‘What’s his usual type?’ I ask, not sure I really want to know the answer.

  Gary pauses as he realises he’s given too much away already. He takes on a rabbit-caught-in-the-headlights expression and I can almost hear the cogs in his brain working overtime.

  ‘Well… he doesn’t have a type really! I don’t know why I said that, to be honest. Think I’ve had one too many pints!’

  He rolls his eyes as if to say what am I like, but I’ve already decided he’s not getting away that easily.

  ‘You just said I’m not the type Scott usually goes for, so he must have one,’ I reply, my rictus grin firmly fixed in place.

  ‘Take his ex, Natalie, for instance. She was tall, blonde, worked as a part-time model in London. The break-up really screwed him up; he wasn’t the same after what happened with her. I don’t think it’s my place to tell you the full story on that, though… That’s why it’s nice he’s met someone like you; you seem really… I dunno, uncomplicated. He usually goes for women who have more baggage than Manchester Airport, but you seem different. Also, you’re…’

  Gary trails off and pretends to be busy trying to attract Ben’s already stretched attention. I’ve got so many questions I want to ask him, but I decide to stick with the most important one.

  ‘What were you going to say just then?’ I follow him as he creeps further round the bar. ‘You said “also you’re…” then trailed off.’

  Gary looks shiftier by the second. I can see beads of sweat forming on his forehead and his eyes are darting left and right.

  ‘Nothing, I… I was just going to say you’re a bit, well, curvier than the girls he’d usually go out with. Which is a really good thing, believe it or not,’ says Gary, who looks like he’d welcome a hole in the ground swallowing him up. I’m not sure why; the one he’s digging for himself is more than big enough.

  ‘Hmm, so he usually goes out with quite skinny girls then?’ I can’t quite decide how to process what I’ve just heard. ‘And were they all models like Natalie?’

  ‘Pretty much, yeah: swimsuit models, lingerie models, and even a couple who were in magazines. Natalie was the one who lasted the longest, though, but I’ll leave him to tell you what happened there. It wasn’t pretty, and I’ve said too much already. Don’t tell Scott I said anything, will you? He’ll kick my arse next time we play five-a-side.’

  I shake my head. ‘Don’t worry, your secret’s safe with me.’

  Gary abandons his attempt at ordering drinks and scurries off back to his table, probably to avoid any more tricky discussions. I decide to do the same; the bar’s rammed, I want to clear my head and Zara’s not back from her phone call with Craig yet. That either means things are going really well or really badly. I hope for her sake it’s the former.

  I push the door open and head outside. The chilly air hits me and I throw my arms round myself, wishing I’d brought some sort of jacket with me. The alcohol I’ve drunk isn’t warming me up anyway. I can’t see Zara anywhere, so hopefully she’s gone home to make up with Craig. I turn round to head back into the pub when I hear Scott’s voice.

  His warm laugh pierces the silence and I follow it until I’m round the side of the building. I get ready to yell “boo!” or greet him with a hug.

  What I hear next, however, makes my blood run cold and stops me in my tracks. I take a couple of steps back, confident he hasn’t noticed me, and hide myself from view.

  ‘Yeah, of course I’ll come and see you soon. Once
I’m free, we’ll arrange something… Yes, Natalie, I promise. I can’t wait to see you either. Hey, behave yourself!’

  I feel my breath catch in my chest when I hear her name. He could’ve been talking to anyone but no, he’s talking to the woman who broke his heart.

  Wonderful.

  Chapter Twenty-One

  I stand, rooted to the spot, listening to the conversation and not knowing what to do. His voice is laced with the trademark warmth I’ve come to know so well over the past few weeks and his affection for her radiates from every word. I try to tell myself I’m being irrational, that I’m only hearing one side of the conversation, but each laugh and inside joke makes my insides twist even more.

  Just like Gary said, Natalie was the one who lasted the longest. From the sound of things, she’s clearly still got hold of his heart.

  Which means I don’t and probably never will.

  ‘OK, speak to you soon,’ I hear him say, before he rounds the corner and sees me. He smiles at first and opens his arms to hug me, obviously unaware I’ve just heard everything.

  ‘Hey, you,’ he says, ‘I was just coming to find you!’

  ‘Really?’ My voice wobbles and cracks as I try to force my words out. ‘You sounded like you were having a great time talking to Natalie.’

  Scott’s smile vanishes and he frowns. ‘I don’t know what you heard, but—’

  ‘I heard it all, Scott. Every last word. Have a good time when you go and see her.’

  I decide I’ve had enough and start heading towards the village green. Scott comes running after me.

  ‘Cleo, wait! Please, just stop for a second.’

  I hear his voice behind me, but I don’t stop. If I stop, then I’ll listen to what he has to say, and that can’t happen.

  ‘Go away.’ My words come out all wobbly and I curse myself. Where’s my inner Xena Warrior Princess when I need her? ‘I don’t want to hear it, Scott.’

  His footsteps catch up to mine and he puts a hand on my shoulder to stop me.

  ‘I promise you, Cleo, that wasn’t what it sounded like. Natalie was my girlfriend, but she’s just a good friend now. She’s going through a rough time at the moment and she called me because she needed to talk about it, that’s all. We meet up every now and then for a catch-up, but there’s been nothing between us for years. Whatever we had, it’s gone now. I swear to God I’m telling you the truth.’

  He looks and sounds genuine, but I can’t quite let myself believe it. I badly want to, but Amanda’s words from earlier come back to haunt me.

  He’ll get tired of you and see you for what you really are eventually.

  Although I didn’t believe her at the time, it’s seeming like she was right. Maybe he’s already tired of me. Maybe that’s why he came outside to call Natalie, to tell her all’s forgiven and he wants her back? OK, so he’s provided a pretty reasonable explanation for what they were talking about. But he could be making it up to hide the fact he still has feelings for her. Or maybe he just wants to have his cake and eat it, stringing us both along?

  I take a deep breath to steel myself for what might happen next.

  ‘I want to believe you, I really do…’

  ‘So believe me!’ Scott pleads, taking a couple of steps towards me. He stops at what he deems a safe distance and doesn’t come any further. ‘I swear on my life that there’s nothing between me and Natalie any more. All I was doing was trying to help a friend through a really difficult time. Cleo, I’d never do anything like that to you, I promise. I’ve liked you since the first time we met at the gym and I know that wasn’t long ago, but I’ve loved seeing you change and find your feet. You’ve gone from someone who wasn’t sure of themselves to taking on a bloody bucket list and agreeing to go to your school reunion, even though school was hell for you. I couldn’t believe my luck when we kissed yesterday; I didn’t think I stood a chance with someone like you! You’re fucking incredible, Cleo; I’ve never met anyone like you before. You’re a complete one-off; you do the best ball slams I’ve ever seen, you’re an awesome salsa dancer and you’re capable of far more than you give yourself credit for. I want to unravel you and find out more about you because I’ve got a feeling I’ve only just begun. Just please believe this was all a stupid mistake.’

  He sounds so sincere that it breaks my heart. I take a little half-step forward, wondering if I should just fling myself into his arms and forget what I heard. I stumbled into the middle of a conversation, after all, and Scott’s never given me any reason not to trust him before.

  My insecurities creep to the surface as I replay the moment in my mind, trying to work out if I can trust what he’s saying to me.

  It’ll be someone else next time, someone way better than you. Walk away while you still can. Don’t wait until he gets sick of you, because he will.

  I try to ignore what the worst parts of me are saying, and focus on Scott’s deep hazel eyes instead. I don’t want to believe it’ll happen again one day, if things work out between us. I’ve just taken what he was saying to Natalie out of context, and that’s all there is to it.

  Isn’t it?

  ‘Please say something,’ Scott says softly. ‘I’ve just poured my heart out to you, Cleo. Please, just… say anything at all.’

  This is it now, the pressure’s on. The moment hinges on whatever comes out of my mouth next.

  ‘I want to go home. You can walk with me if you like.’

  The words come out a bit battered and broken as I try to stop myself from crying, but at least they come out. Scott nods a little uncertainly and falls into step beside me as we walk towards my cottage. Neither of us attempts conversation, probably in case we fan the flames of an already tense situation.

  We aren’t far from my front door when an extremely drunk Zara joins us. She bounds towards us and nearly trips over her own feet as she grinds to a halt.

  ‘Listen…’ She’s had so much to drink that her words are barely understandable. ‘Listen, Cleo… This man right here is a good man. Very, very good man. Don’t let him go, OK? That’s an order!’

  ‘All right then.’ I chuckle softly and shake my head. She’s in a far worse state than I imagined. ‘Look, how about we get you home, OK? Do you need me to phone you a cab or something?’

  Zara shakes her head and stumbles about a bit. She looks like a spinning top and her gaze is pretty much going everywhere but at us.

  ‘No, no, don’t you worry about me! I’ll be fine, I’ll get home… somehow…’

  She looks around her like she doesn’t have a clue where she is. I don’t have high hopes of her getting back to her house in one piece.

  ‘Would you phone her a cab?’ I murmur to Scott. ‘There’s no way she can get herself home in that state.’

  He nods and steps away for a moment so he can call a cab without Zara twigging what’s going on. As I watch him, my brain slows down and I begin to think rationally. Although he sounded affectionate when he was talking to Natalie, it could easily have been because they still share a deep friendship. It didn’t have to be because he still had feelings for her.

  Zara comes up to me and throws her arms round me, giving me a good whiff of vodka and lemonade. I try to lean backwards, but she’s practically got me locked in a chokehold.

  ‘Listen, listen… He’s a good boy, that Scott. I approve! He was talking to this girl on the phone, sounded like she was in a right state from what I could hear. He was doing his best, but I heard her crying down the phone to him.’ She jabs me in the chest and puts her head on my shoulder. ‘He was lovely to her, though, telling her everything would be OK. You’ve got a keeper there so don’t let him go. Craig doesn’t want me any more. Says I’ve changed too much. Bastard.’

  Hearing Zara back up Scott’s version of events makes me wince. There was a perfectly reasonable explanation, but I went off the deep end because I couldn’t quite believe he liked me.

  Nice going, Cleo.

  ‘I’m sorry to hear that about you
and Craig. I thought things would’ve worked out OK for you two… So it was definitely innocent between Scott and the girl he was on the phone to?’

  She doesn’t answer for a second, and I wonder if she’s fallen asleep on my shoulder. When I look down, I see that she has.

  Brilliant.

  Scott comes back and frowns when he sees me trying to hold her up.

  ‘She’s fallen asleep,’ I whisper. ‘Help me get her onto that bench over there, would you?’

  Slowly and carefully, we manoeuvre her onto the village green bench and sit either side of her so she doesn’t tip over.

  ‘The woman on the phone said the taxi would be about five minutes,’ he says, trying to extract his arm from Zara’s vice-like grip. ‘Listen, Cleo, I just want to say sorry again for—’

  I hold up a hand and shake my head. ‘Don’t worry about it. Zara heard you while she was outside calling Craig.’

  ‘Is that a good thing?’

  ‘She basically said the same as you: Natalie called you, sounding upset, and you were trying to calm her down. Like I said, don’t worry about it. It’s over and done with.’

  We exchange a little smile and hold each other’s gaze just a fraction too long. The moment would be perfect if Zara’s massive snore didn’t cut right across it. Scott and I chuckle, but try to keep quiet in case we wake her up. Something tells me she won’t appreciate her sleep being disturbed. Scott manages to free his arm and reaches it along the back of the bench to touch my shoulder. It’s a small gesture, but it makes me smile.

  Maybe things will be OK after all.

  *

  Bundling Zara into a taxi isn’t easy. Especially when she wakes up and drunkenly declares she can get home by herself.

  ‘…Not wasting money on a taxi,’ she slurs. ‘Bunch of thieving shits!’