A Season of Hopes and Dreams

by Lynsey James

  My stomach grumbles. Scott’s special brand of workout has given me an appetite.

  I shake Scott awake and he stirs with a series of unintelligible grunts.

  ‘Hey, sleepyhead,’ I say, ‘fancy something to eat? I was thinking of making pancakes.’

  ‘That sounds good to me.’ There’s that sexy, sleepy drawl again. ‘I’m starving.’

  I wrap my arms around his waist and rest my head on his shoulder. ‘Well, if you come and help me make them, we can bring them back to bed if you like?’

  Suddenly, he’s a lot more awake. A grin spreads across his face and he reaches up to kiss me.

  ‘Now, there’s an offer I can’t refuse!’

  ‘Come on then, up and at ‘em. We’ll be back here before you know it.’

  He does as he’s told, rising from the bed with all the speed of an arthritic sloth. His hair’s sticking up at all sorts of funny angles and he rubs his neck as he tries to find where he put his T-shirt. I pick it up and toss it at him.

  ‘Do you still fancy having dinner tonight?’ he asks as we make our way to the kitchen. ‘I think I owe you one after last night’s antics.’

  He catches me by the waist, lifts me up onto the worktop and kisses my neck. I giggle at the tickling sensation and lock my legs round his waist. He traces my curves with his fingers and I’m reminded of the attention he lavished on them just a little while ago. Goosebumps rise on my skin and I wonder whether to abandon the pancake making and let him take me back to bed. I’d worried at first about his seeing every lump and bump, but he’s made each and every one of them feel beautiful.

  ‘Definitely!’ I let out a squeal and arch my back as he hits a particularly ticklish spot. ‘Do you want these pancakes or not?’

  He draws away from me and scrunches his face up. ‘Can I take you back to bed instead?’

  I hit his shoulder playfully. ‘I thought you were going to help me! You can be my sous chef. That means I get to boss you around.’

  Scott’s eyes widen and he grins at me. ‘That sounds like my idea of fun!’

  I jump down from the worktop and begin getting the pancake ingredients out, including some chocolate chips to make them even more delicious. As we get to work, I listen to him chat away happily from the other side of the kitchen. It occurs to me that this is the part I like best about having him here: the everyday camaraderie that comes from being close with someone. The jokes, the banter, the back and forth; they’re all part of really being with someone, and I can’t get enough of it.

  *

  As promised, we take the pancakes back to bed with us. While the late-morning sunlight streams in through my bedroom window, we laugh and talk and relax in each other’s company. When we’ve finished, I get out my bucket list to show him properly. Although I’ve talked about it before, he hasn’t seen the real thing yet.

  ‘This is awesome, Cleo,’ he says as he scans it again. ‘Please tell me we can do the sky-dive together! I’ve always wanted to do that. Oh, and zorbing!’

  I’m touched at how much he wants to get involved. The list has come to mean a lot to me and it’s great he wants to share in it.

  ‘I’ve already booked the sky-dive; it’s going to be in a couple of months’ time,’ I reply. ‘I’ll see if I can amend the booking to make it two people, though.’

  He reaches for my hand and gives it an affectionate squeeze. ‘I’d love that.’ He folds the list up into a neat little bundle and places it on the bedside table before turning to look at me with a wolfish grin.

  ‘Now, since I’ve got you to myself for the whole day…’ He pauses as he brings me into his arms. ‘…What sort of things are we going to get up to?’

  I put my hand on the back of his head and kiss him. ‘Whatever the hell we want.’

  And that’s exactly what we do.

  *

  When it comes to choosing that night’s dinner venue, Scott is a pro. We end up at a gorgeous burger place in Manchester that reminds me of a fifties American diner. It’s done out mostly in chrome with comfy red-and-white-leather booths for customers to make themselves at home in. As we hold the laminated menus in front of our faces, we keep peeking over them and making funny faces at each other.

  ‘I’ve had a great day,’ I say with a smile. ‘I didn’t know you could be such a gentleman, though – you opened the car door for me and everything!’

  He chuckles and narrows his eyes at me. ‘Hey, my mum brought me up properly! I open doors, pay for stuff and even see you to your door at the end. What more could you want?’

  At this moment, absolutely nothing, I say to myself.

  ‘Jason Donovan would be proud,’ I reply with a wink.

  Scott tries to hit me with his menu, but I dodge out of the way just in time.

  ‘I’ve had a great day too,’ he replies with a sweet smile after we’ve stopped messing around. ‘You make some bloody good pancakes and I loved seeing your bucket list.’

  I feel my cheeks turn pink. It makes me so happy to know he’s had as much fun as I have.

  ‘You know what this means,’ I say, pausing for dramatic effect. ‘We’re going to have to do this again sometime.’

  Scott reaches over and kisses me. ‘It’s a tough job, I guess, but someone has to do it!’

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  I stand outside Silverdale community centre as a slight breeze chills my bare shoulders. Zara’s running late for once; I’m guessing her hangover has ended up being a two-day affair. I do a little jog on the spot to keep myself warm and look around to see if I can see her. For once, my mind isn’t on the Carb Counters meeting and I’m not filled with anxiety about how much I’ve lost. Instead, my brain is choosing to throw up little flashbacks from my time with Scott at random intervals.

  I see Zara approaching the community centre. Her eyes find mine immediately and she walks over to me.

  ‘Hi.’ She lifts her hand in an awkward wave and attempts a smile. I can see the hangover written all over her face.

  ‘How’ve you been?’ I ask. ‘What are you hoping for on the scales tonight?’

  She grimaces. ‘Anything that isn’t a gain would be good, but I’m not hopeful! I’ve eaten nothing but Wotsits for the last couple of days because I can’t keep anything else down. Listen, I’m sorry again about the other night. I don’t usually get in that much of a state; I was upset about Craig and that phone call didn’t help either.’

  After mentioning the phone call, her face falls. I can tell it’s been playing on her mind; her eyes are heavy and shining with unshed tears.

  ‘You should’ve heard what he said to me, Cleo. He was so horrible; he said I’ve ruined his life and that I ate away every dream we ever had. He said it’s my fault we couldn’t have kids and that he never wants to see me again. Even hinted he’s met someone else already! He’s only been gone a few days. As soon as I woke up yesterday morning, I remembered what happened and had to phone you. Was I a total embarrassment?’

  She looks at me and I struggle to suppress a laugh. I shake my head and pull her in for a hug, which she gratefully accepts.

  ‘Of course you weren’t,’ I reply. ‘To be honest, you being wasted was the least of my worries after hearing Scott on the phone to Natalie. He just sounded so… I dunno, at ease with her. Like it was effortless. I took things completely the wrong way and we ended up arguing about it. I’d already had Amanda telling me Scott would get sick of me eventually, so when I came outside and heard him on the phone to her, it just made me think he already had.’

  Zara sighs and shakes her head. ‘Oh, forget about that horrible cow! You don’t deserve to feel like that; Scott’s absolutely crazy about you and there’s no way he’d ever do anything to mess that up. If he did, I’d sort him out for you. No questions asked.’

  I smile and give her an affectionate squeeze. ‘I’ll hold you to that, you know! He came back to mine for a bit and we had a really good chat about a lot of things.’

  Zara grins. ‘I’m
glad you two managed to patch everything up. You’ve seemed a lot brighter at Carb Counters meetings recently, and I think he’s definitely had a part to play in that.’

  I decide not to give her any details about my day with Scott; keeping something back for myself feels like the right thing to do. I’m not hiding it because I’m ashamed; I just want to keep that little slice of awesomeness to myself for now.

  My cheeks start to burn as I smile. ‘I think so too. Now, come on. Let’s head inside and face the scales!’

  *

  As we’re waiting to get weighed, something happens that nobody expects. Marjorie makes a grand and very unexpected appearance at the meeting. When she walks into the community centre, almost ten minutes late, there’s a collective gasp followed by a ripple of murmurs.

  ‘I didn’t think she’d be back after last time,’ Zara whispers. ‘Wonder if she got a royal bollocking from Claudine Parish?’

  Seconds after she mentions the founder of Carb Counters’ name, the lady herself walks in. She looks amazing in a geometric print shift dress and a pair of thigh-high boots. When she catches my eye, she flashes a knowing smile. I guess she’ll want to talk about the offer she made me.

  ‘Hello, everyone,’ she says, glancing at everyone in turn. ‘I’ll be sitting in on the next few meetings, just to give Marjorie here a bit of support.’ She shoots a pointed glare in Marjorie’s direction. ‘So here’s hoping for some big losses, eh?’

  Claudine takes a seat in the group circle and looks around the community centre like she owns the place. She eyes us like a shark as we weigh in and come to the circle. I can’t help looking over my shoulder as I jump on the scales. Marjorie’s there, looking distinctly panicked as she watches her members jump on and off.

  ‘Ooh, two pounds off!’ she says, clapping her hands and giggling in a slightly manic way. ‘You’re smashing it, Cleo. Well done, you!’

  I nod and mumble a thank you before heading over to the circle as quickly as possible. Marjorie’s only behaving like this because she’s under Claudine’s watchful eye, but it’s unnerving nonetheless.

  It’s another mixed bag of results for the group. Sheila gains three pounds and still acts surprised about it, despite admitting to visiting an all-you-can-eat buffet three times. Zara maintains and Emma, who’s just come back to the group after two weeks away, has managed to lose a pound. Claudine sits, sandwiched in the group, as she waits for Marjorie to deliver the speech that’s supposed to motivate us.

  ‘Well…’ She gulps and shoots a furtive glance at her boss. ‘Obviously, some of you have fallen short of your targets tonight. B-but that’s OK because we’ll do it next week, right? All you have to do is remember the Carb Counters method: measure out your carbs, fill up on fruit and veg, and stick to your Treat Points.’

  She sounds like she’s reading from a script and her words carry all the inspiration of a plastic carrier bag. I find myself willing her to revert to type and start dishing out insults to everyone. It’s blatantly obvious she’s holding them all back; you can almost see them simmering beneath the surface.

  ‘And don’t forget,’ she adds, making everyone jump, ‘you can all do anything you want to do. Everyone here is capable of great things. Cleo, for instance, didn’t I hear you say you’re working on a bucket list? Why don’t you tell everyone about it?’

  The whole group turns to look at me and my body goes rigid with fear. Marjorie shoots daggers at me and glances sideways at Claudine.

  ‘Um… I-I made a bucket list when I was fourteen, just things I really wanted to achieve. They were mostly to do with dancing because that was my dream career, but after I was in a car accident it wasn’t an option any more. Anyway, I-I found the bucket list recently and decided to make a new list of dreams to follow. I kind of abandoned everything after I put on weight, but I’ve managed to tick some of the dreams on my new list off already!’

  Claudine raises a perfectly arched eyebrow and gives me an approving nod. ‘That’s very inspirational, Cleo,’ she says. ‘It’s always lovely to hear about people going for what they want.’

  Marjorie looks like she’s about to spontaneously combust. Her skin’s turned an awful puce colour and her eyes are seconds away from popping out of her head.

  ‘OK, everyone, that’s enough sharing!’ she barks. ‘Let’s get on with the exercise session, shall we?’

  *

  Tonight’s workout is another “high intensity aerobic experience”. Emma, Zara and I are completely worn out by the end of it and collapse onto some chairs to get our breath back.

  ‘If I never do another burpee again, it’ll be a million years too soon,’ I pant, gulping down as much water as I can.

  ‘I second that.’ Zara weakly raises her hand, but it falls back down again.

  ‘Me three,’ groans Emma, ‘I’ve done Metafit classes that were easier than that!’

  I giggle, but it makes all my previously unused muscles hurt like hell. ‘Even the word Metafit makes me tired!’

  Our chat is interrupted by Claudine’s shadow looming large over us. Since she didn’t take part in the workout session, she looks as immaculate as ever.

  ‘Well, ladies, how did you find that?’

  ‘Put it this way, I don’t plan on doing a lot of walking tomorrow!’ Zara replies with a chuckle. ‘In fact, I don’t even know how I’m going to get home from here.’

  Claudine’s smile grows wider. ‘Nothing like a short, sharp cardio burst to get that metabolism working overtime, eh? It’s bloody torture, though, isn’t it? That’s why I didn’t bring my workout gear with me! Cleo, do you mind if I borrow you for a second?’

  I nod and follow Claudine over to the side, shooting a worried glance over my shoulder to Zara and Emma.

  ‘I was wondering if you’d had chance to mull over my offer yet?’ she asks, getting straight to the point.

  ‘I have, and I’m really sorry I didn’t get in touch with you before,’ I reply. ‘I’ve been thinking and I’d love to do it. When can I start the training?’

  Claudine’s face breaks out into a beaming smile and she reaches forward to wrap me in a hug. ‘That’s what I like to hear! We’ll get you booked on the first Inspire course with spaces available. You’re going to be a great group leader, Cleo. This lot will all be Target members before you know it!’

  She claps me on the back and slinks off towards the door. I feel elation wash over me as I consider the new chapter opening up in front of me. Although I’d never planned on being a group leader, the thought of helping other people to overcome obstacles in their life is really appealing. I whip out my phone and start typing a text to Scott as I head towards the door.

  ‘Well, well, well.’ Marjorie blocks my path, hands on her hips and a murderous glare etched into her face. ‘So you’re going to be taking my place, are you?’

  ‘Marjorie, it’s not what you think. Claudine asked me at the last meeting if I’d like to go on the Inspire course and I said I’d think about it. I’ve only just accepted her offer.’

  Her beady eyes fill with tears and her chin begins to quiver. She makes weird little hiccup noises and throws herself down onto one of the empty chairs, hiding her face with her hands as she cries.

  ‘I’m really sorry,’ I say, approaching her with caution and putting a hand on her shoulder. ‘It came totally out of the blue; I didn’t expect it at all. I didn’t do it to be nasty to you or to hurt you; it just seems like such a good opportunity for me to help people.’

  Marjorie lets out a huge, high-pitched wail that almost goes into dog whistle territory. She sounds like Moaning Myrtle from Harry Potter.

  ‘This group is my life, Cleo! If Claudine takes it away from me, I don’t know what I’ll do. Eight years I’ve been a Carb Counters leader, and I’ve spent four of them here. Believe me, I know I’m not the best leader in the world. You think I don’t know what you all say about me? Even Linda calls me Her Ladyship, and I know it’s not meant as a compliment. The thing is, thou
gh… I bloody love Carb Counters!’

  She reaches into her bag for a tissue and blows her nose, wiping her eyes with her yellow velour hoodie’s sleeve.

  I take a seat next to her, edging myself down slowly in case she rounds on me. ‘No offence, Marjorie, but it doesn’t really come across like you love the group. You put everyone down whenever you get a chance and whenever someone gains weight, you humiliate them. That’s not really what a group leader’s supposed to do.’

  ‘Hey, I never said I was perfect!’ she barks. ‘I know there are things I could do better and things I shouldn’t do at all. I might not have a clue how to be a good leader, but Carb Counters saved me.’

  This piques my interest. ‘Oh, how come?’

  ‘I was twenty stone when I joined, Cleo. Twenty bloody stone. I’d just got out of a terrible relationship and food was my comfort blanket. Anyway, I decided one day that I’d had enough of being so overweight and I joined this group. A woman called Sue ran it; she was a lovely woman. I think she works at the Carb Counters HQ now. She helped me lose ten stone in eighteen months, and it completely changed my life.’

  She pauses for a second and smiles fondly before continuing. ‘I had all these big dreams I wanted to go and chase after, but my weight and my lack of self-esteem held me back for so long. As the pounds kept dropping off, I felt like I could do anything. Sue told me she was leaving one day and suggested I put myself forward for the Inspire programme. I jumped at the chance; the group had helped me so much and I wanted to give something back. That’s how it started anyway. I had all these grand plans to be an amazing leader and… they just never came together properly. I think I expected to just stroll in and get everyone losing four or five pounds a week, but it didn’t work like that. The group missed Sue, and I can’t say I blamed them. I mean, I’m responsible for helping you guys to do what I did, and I’m terrible at it! That’s why I’m so mean to you all: I know how awful I am at leading you. I’d love to be good at it, but I’m not. Every time someone gains, I take it personally. Like I’ve obviously done something wrong to make them gain weight instead of lose it.’