by Lila Felix
“Ha ha, so funny. Corinne?”
“Yeah Abel?”
“Stop asking questions about it, ok? Maybe it’s better you didn’t know. I mean, you might not like the answer.”
“Oh, I like cryptic Abel, so sexy.” She giggled over the phone and we said our goodbyes. Tomorrow was the first day of school and the thought of it made me want to run back to the summer house and never leave.
Corinne
I watched the whole thing through that urine colored cafeteria window, I could almost hear the cracking and crumbling as the world around me fell to pieces. Abel was there, looking on as those people he called friends pushed, prodded and picked on the frail boy, knocking him back and forth around the circle like a childhood game of hot potato. The bile and soggy lunch rose in my throat as I came to grips with the scene. Abel, the kindest, gentlest, most loving person I’d ever known was a part of this. He wasn’t participating, but standing there while it happened meant he was on the team but sitting on the bench. It made everything that happened during the summer seem like a lie, like deceit, like artifice. The Abel that I knew and fell in love with—it was all a hoax.
Before I knew it, my feet moved towards Sean. I plowed through the cafeteria’s double doors and heard them slam behind me. He was the one being pin-ball machined around. My insides shook because I knew what I planned on doing next was going to cause a rift in Abel’s world. But I just couldn’t stand for it. I knew wrong when I saw it.
I hefted my backpack higher on my shoulders and walked towards the gang of jerks. I turned my face a little and Abel and I met eye to eye. His body came to attention as he slowly figured out the next scene. I pushed Ryan aside as soon as I approached the circle and grabbed for Sean’s arm. He shook his head ‘no’ and waved his hands to stop me.
“Come on Sean, you don’t have to take this bullshit. We’re not in kindergarten anymore.”
And to my surprise, they let me. And to my disgust Abel stood there letting me drag Sean away from the torture without helping me, without defending me. It was the greatest of heartbreaks and the greatest of anger combined. My throat stifled the sobs from coming up through my mouth and the anger in my chest kept my feet stomping thorough until we reached my truck. Sean stood frozen by the passenger’s side.
“Get in Sean, before I lose it.” I slid in behind the wheel and started it up as he hesitantly sat in the passenger’s side.
After driving for about ten minutes, my phone rang taking me out of my haze and I realized I had no idea where I was going. I pulled over, shaking again and on the verge of emotional internal combustion. I nearly pulled vinyl off of the steering wheel as I twisted it back and forth underneath my knuckles. I had been living in a bubble. I thought I was so deprived of a normal social life and all that goes with being in high school. But if this was the kind of thing that went on in normal high schools— call the Headmistress and bring my ass back to Wellsley, please.
“Are you gonna be ok?” I looked to the side; I had forgotten that Sean sat next to me.
“How do you put up with that crap? Didn’t they watch after-school specials when they were kids? Bullying is bad.” I made my voice sound like the cheesy man on the TV show.
Sean started laughing slowly, quietly. Then I started in after him and then it progressed into full on loud, bellowing laughter. We sat on the side of the road, cars passed us, some blew their horns and we laughed until our sides and bellies stung.
“I don’t want you to think I’m unappreciative, I don’t. But did you stop to think about what’s going to happen on Monday? Brett is either gonna flip out on you or take his revenge on me. I seriously hope it’s me, for your sake. And isn’t your boyfriend Abel? He’s never mean to me, never done anything to me but those are his friends.”
“You know what? I don’t care. What’s Brett gonna do, beat up a girl? And don’t even get me started on Abel.”
We sat there a few more minutes while I beat my head against the steering wheel.
“Ok, where’s your house?”
“Um—we passed it three times. The neighborhood back there.” He pointed behind me.
I put the truck into drive, made a u-turn and brought him home. I hope he didn’t mind being dragged out of there by a girl but honestly I didn’t care right now. And if Abel was smart, he wouldn’t come near me. But if there was one ounce of him left in that guy I saw watching the show, he would be at my house sometime tonight or on my phone. And if I could muster the lion-hearted girl that came out this afternoon, I would turn him away. I would make him go home. I would look him straight in the eye and call him a coward, accuse him of having multiple personalities. But my lion heart shrunk back to normal size when I thought about the Abel I loved. Pulsated and withered down until it was little more than the size of a feeble dove’s heart.
I got home and Mom was on her hands and knees scrubbing the baseboards even though they were already clean. I averted her standard mothering-self-help book questions and took the hallway stealthily. My phone rang again from my backpack. I opened the bag, took out the phone, turned it off and threw it in the closet and slammed the door.
Throwing myself into the chair that Angela gave me, I clenched my jaw, fisted my hands and dared the tears to show themselves. They pushed, pooled up in my line of vision and then subsided, waves lapping at the beach. My toes kneaded the carpet beneath them, filling the fibers with my stress. I doubled over myself, laying my face between my knees and wrapped my arms around the backs of my thighs. The sobs began to wrack my chest before I waved the white flag to my tears but I relented, letting them soak my second hand jeans.
I knew that group of people were the school thugs. I knew it. Hell, everybody knew it. And I knew that Abel was friends with them. They went on and on about how they had been friends since the beginning of time like they were trying to prove it to someone. How stupid was I? He was friends with them. He hung out with them. But to stand there and watch while someone, anyone, was treated like they were less than? I don’t know which one was worse, being a party to it or being the audience. Maybe they were equal. The devil was in the complacency.
I heard my mother coming down the hallway, alerted by her incessant whistling. She knocked at the door and opened it as I rubbed the last of the tears on the bottom hem of my shirt and smiled pretty. Not that she would notice any emotional distress.
“Your father and I have somewhere to be tonight so you will be on your own.” When she spoke to me she always looked an inch above my head. I always thought she wished I was taller or maybe she needed glasses. But nuh-ugh, glasses would not fit the perfect mold.
I cleared my throat before answering, “Yes ma’am.”
She closed the door quietly and I went to the bathroom to wash my face and get a grip on myself. I sat at my desk and pulled out my Physics homework, since my dad had basically threatened me that if I didn’t get good grades he would kick me to the curb. Had they not seen my academic record? This school, compared to Wellsley, was a piece of cake.
At five thirty I heard my dad come in from work and at six they were gone again. I went to my closet and retrieved my phone, powered it back on and plugged it in. Seven missed calls and eleven text messages. Three of the messages were from Sean, worried about me. I answered him, telling him that I was fine. He responded with a smiley face. The others were from Abel and I deleted them before I read them. My phone rang again and I contemplated throwing it back into the closet.
“What?” I didn’t have to look at the phone to know who it was.
“Are you ok,” he asked and now that I was on the phone with him, I was pissed again.
“Me? Am I ok? Shouldn’t you be calling Sean?”
“I did. And now I’m asking you.” He talked in such a small voice.
“I’m fine. I didn’t get humiliated by a gang of shitheads today and I didn’t stand around watching it go down either. So, yeah, I’m good.” There was a long pause while my words sunk into him.
“I told you they were jerks.” He whispered as if warning me made it any better.
“But what you failed to mention is that you are just as bad as them.”
“I don’t beat up on anyone Corinne. I mind my own business.”
“Yeah, but you watch. You stand there while they hurt people. It’s like those people who go to dog fights. No, they don’t own the dogs but if there was no audience and no one betting on them, there would be no fighting. I—I just thought you were a different person. I’ve been a fool this whole summer. And you wanna know what the really pathetic part is?”
“What?”
“The pathetic part is that I fell in love with the facade. I fell in love with the Abel who was sweet to me, who brought me to see my favorite band, who held me while I slept. That guy would never…” I started crying, the last thing I wanted to do right now and he hung up.
I got into bed, clothes and all and pulled the covers up around me. I felt cold. I felt duped.
I woke up sometime later and it was dark. I checked my phone and I had another text message from an hour before.
Abel: I’m at the backdoor.
I didn’t even bother looking in the mirror and slouched through the kitchen to the backdoor. That text was over an hour ago. He couldn’t possibly still be out there. I unlocked the deadbolt and opened the door and Abel tumbled into the kitchen. He picked himself off of the floor and righted himself.
“What are you doing here?” I asked, hands on my hips.
“I’m sorry. I know you probably don’t want to see me. And I know I made you cry but I couldn’t stand to hear you like that on the phone. I had to try. I had to…”
He reached out his arms and then pulled them back and stuck his hands in his pockets. “Are we over?” he looked up at me when he said it and my anger wanted to respond ‘yes’
“No,” my heart answered him. He leaned his back against the door jamb and blew out a tremendous breath. “Tell me what to do. Tell me how to make it right.”
“I can’t tell you what to do Abel. I can’t. And when’s the last time you asked anyone what to do? I know you think those guys are assholes. I know you do. I’m not asking you to go all rebel on them and start a bullying revolution here. Just face the facts. You don’t like them. You avoid them. So what’s the pull? Because you’ve been friends forever? Is that enough?” I let that stew a minute before proceeding. “The sad thing is; I can’t not love you. Even standing here, livid as Hell, I do. And I’m not going to be one of those girls who makes you choose between me and your friends and all of that crap. But I refuse to hang out with them. I refuse to eat lunch with them or even say ‘hi’ to them in the halls. I just can’t do it.”
Abel
I stood against the tree, ready to find Corinne and go home. Brett punched me in the arm and pointed to Sean who was in the quad waiting for someone.
“Come on man, my girl is waiting for me. Let’s go.” I said and started towards the parking lot.
“Who the hell put you in charge?” He pulled me back by my shirt and got in my face.
“Just leave the kid alone Brett. I’ve got better things to do.”
“Yeah, I’ve seen the ass on that ‘better thing you have to do.’” Don’t worry, this won’t take long.”
Now it was my turn. I grabbed him by his collar and got into his face, “Don’t you ever talk about Corinne like that. Ever.” I punched him once, square in the nose and left him bleeding. Ryan wrangled me under control but I doubted I could ever get past him talking about my girl.
He pushed me away and laughed. No one else said anything. He made his way over to Sean and I steeled myself for what was next. I stood there and questioned why it was that I was their friend. I looked up to see Corinne through the cafeteria windows watching the show. I’ve never felt so ashamed of myself as I did in that moment. She had front row seats to the worst part of me.
She bolted through the doors and they crashed behind her. I thought maybe she was going to tear my ass up right there in front of everyone and I deserved nothing less. But when her eyes met mine I knew that wasn’t true. Her eyes, as always, told me what she was up to. They were angry and determined.
She went in that circle of wanna-be thugs and grabbed Sean and ran him out of there like nothing I’d ever seen. The whole lot of them stood there in shock, including me. Eventually I came out of my stupor and chased after her. I made it to the parking lot just in time to see her truck skid out. I made myself wait about thirty minutes and then called her. It rang endlessly and then went to voicemail. I drove past her house and she still wasn’t home. I spent the next two hours in my car, texting her and calling her. I finally decided to call Sean to see if he was alright. I had his number from last year when he was my Civics study partner.
“Abel?” He answered.
“Yeah, I just wanted to make sure you were ok.” I lied through my teeth.
“You mean you’re using that to ask me if Corinne is ok.” He laughed and I’d been caught.
“Yeah, kinda, sorry.”
“She’s pissed and upset. I tried to tell her that you’ve never done anything to me but she wasn’t having it.”
“Thanks, man.”
“Can I tell you something Abel?” Sean usually didn’t talk much, so I knew if he wanted to tell me something, it must be important.
“Shoot.”
“You’re better than those guys. After we get out of high school? When we get to the real world? You can’t bully your way through college or a job or having a family. And Corinne is gorgeous, no doubt. But as a person, she’s amazing. If you ever have to make a choice, remember that.”
I heard someone calling him. He made his excuses and got off of the phone.
I called Corinne, I had to keep trying. She answered the phone and gave me a tongue lashing and it was probably only ten percent of what I deserved. She started to cry towards the end of the conversation and I couldn’t listen this way anymore. Not being able to see her, to hold her while she cried, was torture. I got in my truck and drove to her house. Her parents weren’t home and even if they were, I didn’t care right now. I walked to the backdoor, the one closest to her room, and knocked but there was no answer. I texted her and then I waited. Just as I decided that she wasn’t going to open the door, I heard the lock turn and she opened it and I fell into her house.
We went back and forth, mostly me listening to her tell me all the wretched things that I already knew about myself. She told me she wouldn’t have anything to do with my friends and that was more than fine with me. They didn’t deserve to breathe the same air as she did. She leaned against the open door and it crushed me not to have my arms around her. But when a fresh set of tears barreled down her cheeks, my efforts became futile. I reached over, prepared to be rejected but found the opposite. She pummeled into my chest and fisted the back of my shirt. I put one hand on her back and one on the back of her head and held on for dear life because Corinne in my arms was my life.
I bent down, my mouth next to her ear and whispered in the strongest voice I could muster, “I’m so sorry. I never wanted you to see that part of my life.” She nodded, her face against my chest and squeezed me tighter.
She broke away first, there was no way I would, and her lips touched mine for a millisecond. But her hands remained on my hips
“Sean said I should probably watch my back from now on. I’m kinda freaked out. He might pull a Carrie on me.” She laughed a little but it was so far from funny.
“He won’t touch you. He made a comment about you today and I clocked him before the Sean thing.”
“You did? What did he say?”
“He made a lewd comment about,” I pointed to her body in a roundabout way. “Your body and I won’t stand for it.”
She put her forehead against the center of my chest and exhaled.
“Come in, sit down.” She moved away and I stepped inside, grateful she was even speaking to me at this point. She sat down on the couch ac
ross from mine and put her fingertips over her mouth. This was her signal to me that she was choosing her words.
“How much do you know about Sean?”
“He’s smart, we studied together last year. His Dad is a prick and I’ve never even seen his mom. That’s all I know.”
She pulled her legs under her on the couch and then realized where she was, in her parents’ stuck up house, and put them back on the floor.
“Sean’s mom died eighteen months ago of uterine cancer. That’s why you didn’t see her; she was fighting for her life. His Dad is such an ass because he has a hard time juggling four kids without a wife and their mother. And Sean has to go home, do homework and cook and clean for five people because he’s the oldest. Then on top of that he has to go to school and be terrorized because he’s too skinny, too nice, too opposite of whatever Brett’s standards are. So, he deserves your defense a whole hell of a lot more than I do.”
I blew out a breath and scrubbed my face with my hands. She was right. Of course she was right. I had no idea that Sean went through all of that; had no idea that his home life was shit. I pinched my forehead in between my thumb and the rest of my fingers and worked through what a bastard I had turned out to be. Her home phone rang and she jumped up to answer it. She looked confused for a minute but answered ‘Yes, Sir’ and then hung up. As soon as she did her cell phone alerted her and she picked it up and laughed.
She returned and instead of sitting across the room she sat next to me, sat like she actually liked me again.
“Sean texted me and said ‘Give the guy a break. He loves you.’”
“And?” Please let her listen to Sean. I will kiss him flat on the lips and never let anyone touch him ever again if she does.
“I don’t know Abel. It won’t be solved tonight. I won’t ask you to change who you are or who your friends are, even what you do with them. What I’m saying is that I won’t be a part of it. And as much as I hate to even speak the words, I won’t be with someone who chooses to participate in it, aggressively or passively. I just won’t do it.”