Eventually she’d get the chance to meet the other horses, but she needed more time to grow and get stronger first. When the time came, Kate hoped they could find at least one who would spend the time to teach Hope proper “horse manners.” Growing up with just human contact was never good for a horse, and she suspected Buddy would readily take the new herd member under his wing.
Marty patiently walked alongside Hope, watching with glee as she sniffed and kicked and jumped around the small penned-in area. Anchorage’s famous breakup season had arrived, meaning the ground was covered with slush and mud as a result of the melting snow drifts.
Kate cringed as she watched Hope slip about in the mud but kept reminding herself that it was good for the young horse to finally get to enjoy some fresh air. Simply put, this was something she hadn’t believed possible even just one week ago.
“She looks happy to be outside,” Jack said, coming over to stand next to her. “And she sure seems to have taken a liking to Marty. Thanks for letting him be a part of this.”
She kept her eyes on Marty and Hope in an effort to ignore what Jack’s nearness was doing to her heart. “Well, I knew it was time to let her have a taste of the outdoors. She’s been cooped up in that barn since the day she was born. Nobody should have to live like that.”
They stood together in companionable silence and watched as Hope became more and more confident with her new surroundings. Soon the young filly was running around the pen with complete abandon and only the occasional slip.
Kate smiled as she witnessed this new life enjoying everything around her with pure joy. To her eyes, Hope didn’t have a care in the world and seemed to have already forgotten how hard she’d had to fight to stay alive just a few days ago.
But then Jack had to go and say something that brought reality crashing back upon them. “You’ve been avoiding me this week, Kate. Would you mind letting me know what I’ve done to upset you?”
Part of her wanted to just come clean and admit why they couldn’t be together, but she also knew he had a way of explaining things that could very well change her mind—and that was something she couldn’t do.
Kate forced herself to be casual and said, “I’ve seen you up at the house a couple of times and I’ve talked to you a lot about the different facility options for my mom. I’d hardly say that’s avoiding you.”
Jack crossed his arms over his chest. “Yes, we do talk about that,” he admitted. “But any other time I text or try to call and ask how you’re doing, see if you’d maybe like to get together, you brush me off just as fast as you can. What am I supposed to make of that, Kate? Tell me, because I’d really like to know.”
“I did,” she said with a sigh. “I already told you that, right now, I need to focus on my mom. I don’t have time for anything—or anyone—else.” Her heart screamed out in pain even though her brain knew this was right. This was how things had to be.
Jack’s fingers brushed against hers as he studied her with sparkling brown eyes. “Kate, I know you’re going through a terrible time right now, and I promise, all I want is to just be there for you. You need someone in your corner. I know what’s happening with your mom is tough, but it’s worse alone. Don’t shut me out.”
Thankfully, Marty came over to them making sweeping gestures with his arms as he shouted, “Hope seems so happy now. She likes it outside.”
Jack took a step away from Kate, and it made her feel so cold, so empty.
She forced a smile for Marty’s benefit, but even he knew something was off.
“She does like it,” Kate said, hoping to move past the topic of her and Jack once and for all. “Man, I don’t know if she’ll agree to come back in the barn now, but our little girl does need her rest.”
She tried to laugh, but her eyes caught Jack’s as she turned to walk beside Marty back in the direction of the exhausted little horse.
Disappointment and hurt clouded Jack’s gaze, but he said nothing to stop them.
She wished she didn't have to hurt him, though obviously it was too late to change that. Kate liked him so much, but that didn’t change the obstacles in their path.
Kate had been running hard and for a long time. She had no more strength left to jump the hurdles they’d need to clear to make things work between them.
Jack would just have to accept that. They were out of other options.
Chapter 17
A mild breeze shook the newly sprouted buds that had just started to peek out from the trees lining the ranch. Already the air was warmer than expected, considering the slush that still clung stubbornly to the ground. Kate loved this time of year because it meant warmer weather would soon be on its way.
She sat on her tiny cabin porch beside Brenna as the two discussed wedding plans over hot cocoa. No doubt Jack would be inside the big house working with his patients, so close to where she sat though it felt like miles away. At last he had gotten the message, and since the day in the pen with Hope and Marty, he’d mostly stopped trying to get in touch with her.
In fact, he’d only texted a few times here and there when he’d either heard from a facility about how long their waiting list was, or to tell Kate when he was headed to the hospital to visit her mother. Each communication became increasingly short and to the point, and Kate was grateful for it.
He was still conducting therapy sessions with her mother to help prepare her for the move to long-term care, but neither of them asked Kate to join anymore.
In just the past couple of weeks in the hospital, the disease had progressed rapidly. Kate suspected this was in part due to the fact her mother had just stopped fighting. Knowing that she’d lost her independence for good and that there would be no going back had finally defeated her strong spirit. Occasionally she’d still have a few angry outbursts, but even those were becoming fewer and farther between.
So far Kate had hung on at the ranch while searching for new career opportunities elsewhere. She didn’t want to settle on anything until she knew where her mother would wind up so that she could ensure she’d always be just a quick drive away. It felt dishonest to keep working without disclosing her plans to leave, but she also suspected Elizabeth Jane knew it was only a matter of time. After all, she’d expressly taken the job here as a way of staying close to her mother. Now that her mother was moving on, she needed to, too.
How she’d miss the friends she’d made—Hope and Liz and Brenna, but most of all Jack.
“So it will just be you and my sister standing up with me. And of course Bigfoot will be performing a ribbon dance down the aisles to the tune of Uptown Funk,” Brenna said, finally breaking through to Kate.
She shook her head as she tried to catch up on the conversation she’d only been partially present for. What else had she missed? “Huh? Bigfoot?”
“Oh, there you are,” Brenna said with a smirk. “I was saying that the bouquets are going to be simple wildflowers and nothing fancy. I seriously just want everything to be casual and relaxing, so it won’t be a huge wedding—just a few friends and family, and people from the ranch who really are like family anyway. How long has your mind been elsewhere?”
“I’m sorry.” Kate sighed heavily. “I just have a lot on my mind these days, but I promise I’ll be ready for everything on your big day.”
Brenna chuckled, her wavy blonde hair blowing softly in the breeze. “You’ve spent the past fifteen minutes looking over toward the pen where Hope is outside with Howard, then back up to the main house where I watched Jack’s car pull in. I’m pretty sure I could have got up and walked away when he stepped out of his car and went into the house without you even noticing. Why don’t you just go up there and talk to him?”
“What? No way.” Kate took a long, slow gulp of her cocoa, refusing to meet Brenna’s eyes.
But Brenna pulled the mug away from her and forced Kate to give her full attention. “I can see the way you two look at each other. Even before you guys went on your date, you two very obviously have it bad
for each other. Everyone here knows it. Why are you avoiding him when he’s kind of exactly what you need right now?”
Kate groaned. “Are you really going to call me out on this right now?”
“Yup.” Brenna smiled and relaxed back into her chair. “Now spill.”
“What’s there to tell? I like him, and I think he likes me, too. But the timing isn’t right, which means nothing can come of it even if I wanted it to.”
Brenna let out a quiet laugh. “You think he likes you? Kate, wow.”
“What?” She crossed her arms over her chest, feeling the need to defend herself suddenly. Brenna, of all people, should understand her reservations. She’d kept Matt at arm’s length for the longest time before giving in to her heart’s yearning.
Brenna blew out a long, slow puff of air before addressing her friend. “Look, I know you spend a lot of time around horses instead of humans, but even you must see what the two of you have. Timing is just an excuse, because you’re scared.”
When Kate opened her mouth to disagree, Brenna put her hands up and shook her head. “No, this is one thing you just can’t argue with. Remember, life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans. Don’t make the same mistakes I did. I tried to push Matt away because I was scared of what might happen if I let myself go. I made every excuse in the book, then told myself my reasons were justified. You’re my friend, and I love you. Please don’t let your fears steal your happiness.”
“This isn’t me being afraid. It’s being realistic.” Despite the look of concern on Brenna’s face, Kate refused to change her mind. She’d almost changed it once by agreeing to go on that date with Jack and look what had happened as a result. Why couldn’t her friend just accept things as they were, as they needed to be?
“My mom needs me right now, and I’m running out of time with her. I mean, how much longer do I have with her? A week? A month? A year? I don’t know. It wouldn’t be fair to my mother if I was distracted when I was with her, and it definitely wouldn’t be fair to Jack to—”
Brenna raised an eyebrow, cutting Kate off at the quick. “So you admit you want more with Jack?”
She swallowed hard, ignoring Brenna’s whispered comment.
“I get it,” her friend continued. “You want to spend as much of your time with your mom as possible. No one is telling you that you shouldn’t be doing that. But you need to live your life, too, Kate. You can’t just put it on hold indefinitely. And I know your mom well enough to know she wouldn’t want you to do that, either.”
Kate kept her eyes focused on Hope as the young horse played in the distance. Howard stayed close by her as she ran and kicked and enjoyed her trip to the yard. A few times Kate held her breath, sure the little foal would tumble to the ground, but Hope had become surprisingly good on her feet and managed to keep all four under her.
Of course, she knew everything Brenna was saying was true. It had been true when Jack said it days ago as well. So why was it so hard for Kate to accept their words? Was she being a good and devoted daughter, or was she just using her mom’s illness as an excuse because she didn’t want to end up getting hurt?
Truthfully, she’d never even had a serious relationship—at least not to the point of falling in love. She’d never liked anyone that much, not until Jack.
With a sudden slam to her chest, she finally realized why she’d been holding back from a relationship with him. Yes, she wanted to be there for her mother, felt she owed it to her, but also she was afraid of becoming like her. Kate had never known her dad because he’d run out on them so early, but her mom had also never found love again after. All those years her mom had been on her own, with only Kate to love and support her. That sadness had left an indelible mark on her otherwise spirited mother.
Was that what was really stopping Kate from letting herself try with Jack?
Could it be that she was afraid to let love in because she worried what would happen when the happy feelings ran out? Because she would rather avoid love altogether than to risk failing at it?
She lifted her face to study the big house. Her heart walloped in her chest as she watched Jack exit through the front door, his eyes immediately connecting with her. She knew the moment he saw her because he stopped in his tracks, hesitating before he continued in her direction. She held her breath, unable to look away as he approached.
“Hi, Brenna. Kate.” He hesitated only briefly before continuing. “Sorry to interrupt your visit, but I just got a call from one of the better facilities in Anchorage saying they might have a room available for your mother. They were wondering if I could bring you both in to check it out. They want a decision today, though. Otherwise they’ll offer the vacancy to the next person on the list.”
Kate glanced nervously toward her friend. She needed to act fast, especially if the opening was at the institution she suspected it might be. She’d put off her friend for so long, then hadn’t even paid proper attention when they finally did get together. Now she planned to abandon her to visit the facility with Jack.
Some maid of honor she was turning out to be.
Brenna waved her off. “Don’t worry about me. Go! This is too important to put off. We can talk about wedding stuff another time. Good luck.”
“Thank you for understanding,” Kate whispered to her friend as they hugged goodbye, all the while wondering if Brenna’s wish for good luck had been about the facility or about something more. She’d have time to figure that out later, time to figure everything out—but right now, her mom needed her, which meant everything else needed to be put on hold.
She just hoped that by the time she had a chance to truly sit down and evaluate her life she’d still have options when it came to how to best live it.
And with whom.
Chapter 18
Kate shivered as she walked through the parking lot with Jack and her mother later that afternoon. Although the sun streamed down and birds were singing, none of the usual joy associated with such a fine day reached Kate. They’d capped off their tour of the rest home with ice cream provided by the staff. The facilities were remarkable, and the food was surprisingly good, but she wasn’t sure how much her mother really understood about what their visit meant. At first her mom had been pleasant and polite, but as the tour wore on, she became distant and short with anyone who tried to address her directly.
Thankfully, Jack had patiently helped to keep everyone on task and ensure her mother was able to provide her input about the decision ahead. And because he’d worked with many patients from this facility in the past, he understood how everything worked and what kind of care she would receive.
If Kate had come on her own, she’d have easily been overwhelmed by all the new information and the far-reaching consequences of signing on the dotted line to assign her mother’s care to the staff at the rest home. This made her incredibly grateful for Jack’s help though she knew full well she didn’t deserve it. She was so glad her mother hadn’t suffered due to the poor way she’d chosen to end things with Jack.
“I’m glad you liked the room, Mom,” she said before slipping into the back seat so that her mother could sit upfront. “That view from your window was gorgeous, and all the nurses and staff seemed absolutely wonderful. I can’t believe how lucky we are to have landed a spot so quickly.”
Her mother shrugged but otherwise ignored Kate’s attempts to speak with her. She did not seem pleased about the forthcoming change.
Jack removed one hand from the steering wheel and reached over to squeeze her mother’s hand. “I agree,” he said. “This is the best place around, Nancy. And that ice cream was wow.”
Her mother offered him a fleeting grin and nodded. While she seemed to blame Kate for this change in her care, she still loved being around Jack. Whether she remembered their connection or not was another matter entirely.
“We can get you moved in tomorrow, so just one last day stuck in the hospital. That’s definitely something to celebrate.” Jack let go of
her hand and drummed on the steering wheel, trying his best to keep the mood light.
“Yeah, that’s nice.” Her mom’s voice barely held any emotion at all.
Kate averted her eyes to the world outside the car window, trying not to let Jack or her mom see the pain in her eyes. All this time she’d worried about becoming a stranger to her mother, but now it felt like her mother was the one who’d become somebody else. Who was this frail, bored woman sitting in front of her? How could so much have changed in hardly any time at all?
“Mom, if you really don’t like the room, we can keep looking,” Kate said gently. Her voice choked slightly as she finally shifted her vision back toward the front of the car. “You just have to let me know.”
“How much will it cost?” Her mom twisted in her seat and met Kate’s eyes. Fear and worry shone clearly within them.
Kate startled at the sudden hostility in her voice. It seemed she could do nothing right anymore. “Don’t worry about that, Mom. I’ll take care of it.”
“No. That’s not how it’s supposed to be,” she snapped. “I’m your mother and I’m the one who is supposed to look after you. Stop treating me like I’m a child.”
“You have looked after me. All my life, and I love you so much for it,” Kate said, choking back a sob. “I hate what’s happening to you and that I have no way to help you other than this. Please let me do this for you. Don’t make it any harder than it already is.”
Her stomach clenched in agony when she realized how sharp she’d just been with her mom. She hadn’t meant to let her emotions take over her like that, and now her mom was staring at down her own hands as they fiddled with the seatbelt stretched across her lap.
“I’m sorry, Mom. I didn’t mean to make you feel any worse.” She looked to Jack in the rear-view mirror, hoping he would have some miraculous answer to make this all easier. He just smiled and mouthed the words telling her it would be okay.
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