Kate just couldn’t bring herself to believe it.
“Mom?” she asked, placing a hesitant hand on her mother’s arm.
She ripped it away as if she’d been burned, speaking to Kate in an irate tone she’d never used with her daughter before. “How dare you touch me!” she cried.
“I-I-I’m sorry,” she stammered. Kate’s eyes filled with tears at the sudden outburst from her mom. “I was just trying to make sure you were okay.”
“Who are you? Why do you care?” her mother shot back, caressing her arm and keeping it well out of Kate’s reach even still.
Like a blow to the side of the head, Kate realized her mom truly didn’t know and that she didn’t have the strength to answer her.
Luckily, Jack came to the rescue. “Hey, Nancy. We’ll have you back to your room in just a few minutes. Is there anything you want to pick up along the way?”
“No, thank you,” her mother answered politely, her limbs letting go of some of the tension from earlier.
He continued to chatter with them both until they arrived at the hospital once more.
Kate stared ahead out the window into the dimly lit parking lot while Jack escorted her mother back inside. Her head rested on the back of the seat as she let the tears roll down her cheeks. She’d never felt so defeated in all her life. She hadn’t even been able to get out of the car and had left Jack to see her mother back to her room. Maybe it was best her mom forgot her, because obviously Kate was a giant disappointment. At least she would forget the bad along with the good. Maybe that was something to be thankful for in the end.
She watched Jack approach the car, not even moving to look at him when he opened the door and climbed back in. Immediately he reached for her hand, wrapping it in his own. “Kate, I’m sorry. I can’t even imagine how you’re feeling right now. But remember, it was an emotional day for her. By tomorrow, she might be completely different again. She loves you and hasn’t forgotten who you are. Not for good, anyway.”
Kate took a deep, shaky breath, not even sure if she could speak without completely breaking down. “I know that. But it’s the first time she’s forgotten me like that. Everything else has happened so fast. It’s just a matter of time until she can’t remember me at all. I don’t know how to get through this.” The words came out on a sob and before she knew what was happening, he had leaned over and wrapped her into his arms.
“It’s going to be the hardest thing you’ll ever have to do in your life, Kate. And it sucks. And it’s not fair.” He got out of the car and opened her door for her as well.
Immediately, she flew into his arms—not thinking, only feeling every horrible emotion she’d been trying so hard to hide from and feeling them all at once. She cried into his shoulder again, wishing her mother could be healthy again and that her own life would have turned out differently.
As Jack gently moved his hands through her hair and wiped the tears for her cheek, she wondered why she had fought so hard to keep away from him. It seemed that he was the only thing in her life that was right, and he was the one she’d been so quick to discard.
If she’d been a braver woman, she might have told him what was in her heart right then and there. Instead, Kate continued to sob and said nothing more as she fell apart in his arms.
Chapter 19
Kate smiled over the fence as Hope stood beside the old mare they’d recently put in the pen with her. Bonnie had lost a foal of her own a few months ago, and everyone was hopeful that Bonnie would adopt her and give her the companionship and guidance that could only come from another horse.
Blessedly, Bonnie was already starting to show signs of accepting Hope, occasionally moving to nuzzle the little filly.
“Well, Hope, it looks like you’ve found yourself a new mama. Treat her well.” Kate mentally added “don’t take her for granted.” A familiar ache in her chest threatened to overtake Kate.
Of course, she was glad that Hope had someone new to look after her. But on the other hand, she felt a sense of loss knowing that this was the start of saying goodbye for good. Hope was starting to nibble at some hay and grain now but would still require the milk supplement for a couple more months. After that, she would be able to survive without any added intervention.
“It’s amazing to see her now,” Jack said as he suddenly popped up next to Kate. “Hard to believe just a couple weeks ago she didn’t even look like she’d survive the night.”
“I didn’t hear you coming,” Kate said in a breathy whisper to explain the fact that she’d jumped upon his arrival. She turned suddenly to face him and noticed he had two horses out beside him. “Now I feel worse. How’d I miss you plus two horses? And why do you have Buddy?”
Jack shrugged noncommittally, keeping his face neutral as he spoke. “I thought we could go for a ride. It’s beautiful out today and it would be shame to waste this chance.”
She shook her head. “I can’t. I’ve got work to do around the barn.”
“Howard said they can manage fine for a couple hours. C’mon. When’s the last time you went for a ride just for the fun of it?”
Jack reached out and took her hand. “Stop overthinking. Buddy is waiting for you.” He pulled her over to Buddy’s side, and the gentle gelding turned his head to sniff at her hair.
“It has been a while, but—"
Buddy stomped impatiently.
“Sheesh, you too, Buddy?” She chuckled. How had Jack managed to get the horses on his side to help lure her away from work?
Jack’s hands wrapped around her waist as he helped her climb up into the saddle. Normally she’d have scoffed at anyone trying to help her with something she’d already done a million times on her own, but today she let herself enjoy the feeling of getting some help from another person without even needing to ask.
“Okay, what now?” Kate asked as Jack threw himself onto his own horse’s back, then adjusted himself in the saddle.
“Race you to the top of that hill.” He pointed to the far end of the path that led from the stables and looked over the valley below. A large tree stood sentinel at the top. Liz and Dorian had actually placed a bench beneath it for riders to use as a rest point while enjoying the view of the countryside.
“To that big tree,” he finished with a smirk.
Without waiting for him to even say go, Kate spurred Buddy into action.
“Hey! Cheater!” she heard him cry out as she flew past.
There was something incredibly soothing about riding on the back of a horse as it galloped. With the rhythmic pounding of hooves on the ground, the crisp spring wind whipping around her face, something primal reached her deep into her soul. Why hadn’t she been letting these beautiful creatures help to heal her all along?
She leaned forward in the saddle, smiling unrestrained in a moment of pure bliss. This was something she’d missed dearly, though she could have accessed it all this time.
As they crested the hill, Kate reined Buddy in and wheeled him around to watch Jack struggling to catch up. His dark hair moved in the wind as he raced up the field behind them. The way he sat high in the center saddle proved he had most definitely grown up around horses.
“I could’ve won that,” he said, grinning as he pulled up next to her and Buddy. The horse’s sides heaved with the exertion of the run, matching Kate’s own labored breathing.
“No, you couldn’t have. Buddy is the fastest horse here. I might’ve neglected to mention that.” She laughed as he dropped his head in defeat.
“Doomed from the start,” he lamented with a sad chuckle. He threw his leg over the back of his horse and dropped to the ground before leading his horse over to the grassy spot beside the bench on the hill. The horse immediately put his head down to graze.
Kate dismounted and guided Buddy to join in the mid-ride snack, then sunk down onto the bench. As she looked down onto the valley, she could see that breakup would soon be over and a full-fledged spring would be upon them. Packs of snow and mud were quick
ly being replaced with vegetation and new life blooming below. There were signs of new buds all over the trees, and the faded colors closer to the earth had begun the transformation into vibrant, lively shades of green.
She leaned her head back and breathed in deeply. “No matter how many times I’ve lived through it, the coming of spring always feels like a wonderful gift. Everything comes back to life after so long in hiding. It’s just so… beautiful.”
In the tree above them the birds sang their hearts out, finally able to enjoy the warmer weather after living through the coldest months.
“Almost as beautiful as you.” Jack sat down beside her and put his arm around her shoulder, pulling her in close.
Her immediate reaction was to tense up and pull away, but she fought that instinct and let her body relax into his. If the earth could reawaken after such a long sleep, well, then maybe Kate could come back to life, too.
“I brought you here because we need to talk,” Jack explained, his breath warm against her forehead as he spoke. “That’s why I devised this cunning plan to bring you just far enough away that you could be yourself. Plus, it’ll be harder for you to run away from me out here.”
She rolled her eyes in mock irritation. “As if I’d run away from you.”
He sat quietly for a moment. “Kate, you’ve been running from me for weeks,” he said quietly, his voice little more than a whisper.
She sat up, ready to debate, but Jack held up a hand to ward her off.
“No, Kate. Please, just listen.”
She leaned into him once more. She could feel his chest rumbling beneath her shoulder as he spoke.
“I hate what you’re going through and that you feel like you need to do this alone. And I hate the fact that Alzheimer’s disease can rob so much from people. It’s hard feeling so helpless and watching you suffer through this, Kate. I’ve seen it with other people and it’s never easy, but with you, it feels like my heart is being ripped from my chest every time I see the pain in your eyes. I know you’re going to be angry with me, but I don’t know any other way to get through to you. I’m going to put it bluntly, not to be mean, but in the hopes that it will finally help.”
Kate felt like she was on the edge of a cliff about to hurtle over the edge. Whatever Jack had to say would surely be something she’d already thought hundreds of times in her own mind.
But when he licked his lips and fixed his eyes on her, his voice barely came out above whisper and he surprised her with what he said next. “The thing I hate the most about all of this, is watching you die with your mom.”
Chapter 20
Kate jumped to her feet and stared at Jack in shock. “How can you say that?”
“Because it’s the truth,” he replied with a weary sigh. “I’m sorry, but I’ve stood back watching you die a bit every day and I would give anything—I’d give everything—to take this disease away so you can have your mom. But unfortunately that’s not something I can do, as much as I wish I could. Your mother is dying and it’s a terrible, awful thing… but that doesn’t mean your light has to go out, too.”
“Just go, then,” she shouted. Her voice shook with anger. “I’m not forcing you to be around me or my mom.”
Jack stood and tried to put a hand on her shoulder, but she stepped away, still unwilling to look at him.
“You’re the one who keeps coming back,” she continued, tears stinging at her eyes. “I’ve told you I can’t be who you need me to be right now. My mom needs me more than you do, and I’m all she has left. I can’t just go on being happy while she’s out there dying.”
Dying. It hurt so much to say that word, but it was also the truth.
“Yes, you’ve told me over and over how you need to focus on your mom. But can’t you see that you can still be there for your mom while living your own life, too? I know you think you’re some kind of long-suffering paragon, but that’s not what’s happening here. No. You’re being selfish, because you’re using your mom’s illness to keep the walls up around you so no one can get in.”
Kate turned to glare at him, her eyes narrowing with full-blown rage. “How dare you!” she shouted through tears.
“You can get as angry with me as you want. I’ve danced around your feelings for a long time, but it’s not helping anyone, least of all you. Hate me forever if you want, but this was something you needed to hear.”
She shook with anger, sorrow, so many more emotions she couldn’t even begin to understand. Rather than addressing Jack’s claims, she bit the inside of her cheek to distract herself. But nothing could compare to the pain emanating from her heart.
Jack’s voice softened, but still he kept his distance. “You’re right, I do keep coming back. Know why? It’s because I love you, Kate. I love you, and I want to help, but no matter how hard I try, you won’t let me. I can’t keep standing here watching you do this to yourself anymore. I’m sorry if I’ve hurt you, and maybe someday you can forgive me. But I love you too much to just let you fade away like this without at least trying to make a difference.”
She struggled to breathe against the pain in her chest. He’d said he loved her. No one besides her mother had ever said those words to her—and the way things were going, she’d never hear those words from her mom again. Now she only had Jack…
That is, if she was willing to accept his love without any more questions or hesitations.
She didn’t know what to say, so they stood in silence listening to the birds singing and the horse’s hooves stomping on the ground behind them.
Finally, when it became clear that neither had anything more to say, Jack reached into his pocket, pulled out an envelope, and handed it to her. “One of the therapy exercises I did with your mother was to have her write letters to the people who mattered most in her life. She only wrote one. To you. She was supposed to have this conversation with you in person, but we could never get you into a shared session. Maybe she just wasn’t ready to have that talk face-to-face, I don’t know. And I don’t know what she wrote in this letter or even that I should be giving it to you now, but I’m willing to take the chance. If my words won’t make a difference, then perhaps hers will.”
He turned and hopped back onto his horse. “Goodbye, Kate. If you ever need me, you know where I am.” He wheeled his horse around again began a leisurely pace back to the ranch house.
Kate slumped back onto the bench, holding the envelope tightly between her fingers as she watched Jack ride out of her life. She’d thought an already broken heart couldn’t keep hurting, but she’d been so wrong. And now her inability to be brave had caused Jack’s heart to break as well.
With a deep, centering breath, she tore into the envelope, unwilling to wait even another second to read its contents. While she was afraid of what she would find within, she had to know. Perhaps it was the only thing that could save her now that she’d chased Jack away and refused to take the steps needed to save herself.
Glancing down, she saw her mother’s familiar handwriting looked a bit more jagged and rough than it had been years ago, but still she recognized it immediately. Kate took another deep breath, steadying her hands, and did her best to make out the words through tear-filled eyes.
My dearest Kate,
By the time you read this, my disease will most likely have ravaged my body to the point where I’m not the same person you have always known. I’m so sorry that you’ve been put through this. If there was any way I could have taken away the pain I know you’re going through, I would.
But life sometimes deals us cards we aren’t sure how to play. Unfortunately, this is a hand I can’t win, no matter how much I want to.
We’ve been through so much together, and I worry about what will happen to you when I’m gone. You deserve happiness, Kate. You deserve the love of a man who will make you his world, and you deserve the chance to have a family of your own.
I would never trade what we had for anything because I’ve always loved how it was—you and me a
gainst the world. Still, that’s me. I know it would have been nice for you to have a family—more than just me. If I could have found someone to trust, I could have given you that. Instead, I let my fear over getting hurt again stand in the way of giving you everything you needed then.
Everything you need still.
Don’t let the same thing happen to you. Don’t ever give up on yourself.
Live.
And love.
Find someone who brings you joy and who you can count on to always be there for you. I don’t want to think of you spending the rest of your life alone.
You deserve so much more from your life.
Please, for me, go out and live. Honor me and my memory by giving yourself the chance at happiness.
Always remember that I love you and I’m so proud of the woman you’ve become. Even when it happens that I’m no longer able to remember you, know that your memory is in my heart. And I will always be in yours.
Be happy, Kate.
Love always,
Mom
When Kate lifted her eyes again, she could just barely make out the faint outline of Jack dismounting and leading his horse through the gate of the stables in the distance. Her breath caught when she thought he turned to look back up toward her, but then she realized he was just talking to Howard. He handed the reins over to the older cowboy and made his way around the stables and out of sight.
She looked down at her trembling hands that gripped her mother’s letter so tight. Her mom wanted her to be happy just like everyone had been telling her this whole time. She’d been so afraid of abandoning her mom she didn’t even realize that she was making things worse by going against what she wanted for Kate.
Jack had been right.
She was the problem. No one else.
She thought back to the time Jack had told her she didn’t have to choose, that he wasn’t making her do that. He’d simply been asking for the chance to be a part of her life going forward. And now he’d even confessed that he loved her, but she’d ignored his brave, heartfelt words.
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