by Belleza
“It ain’t about you fucking someone else. If you wanted to go fuck a hundred niggas I wouldn’t have given a fuck. I’m pissed that you had me mentally and emotionally ready to be a father and now that I almost experienced that, I gotta force myself to get rid of every emotion I felt just in case this baby might not be mine.” I clenched my jaw so tight to refrain from saying everything I really wanted to say. The only reason why I ain’t say fuck her is because there might’ve been a chance that the baby was mine. “Get the fuck out my way.”
With a defeated look painted on her face, she moved away from the door and I snatched it open with so much force and stepped out.
First it was the ring shit and now this?! There was no coming back from this foul play. If she was ready and willing to put a baby on me, who knows what else she could do.
Amena
As Jheno Aiko melodic voice crooned from my surround sound speakers, I gazed into the mirror as I fidgeted with the knot that secured the scarf that was on my head. Once I loosened it and pulled it from on top of my head. My once wild and curly hair was now freshly washed, trimmed and flat ironed boned straight. It was rare for me to wear my hair like this since I preferred a more natural style. Wash and Go’s gave me so much life, but the way I’ve been feeling lately I needed a change.
Listening to Jheno sing about all the men she ran across and how they impacted her life had me thinking about the last three that made a drastic change in a short amount of time in mine. Jake was a headache. I should’ve been walked away when I knew all along I didn’t feel anything for him.
Trey was the biggest mistake in my short twenty-one years of living. I was moving out of desperation to get over Wesley and it almost cost me my life and possibly everyone connected to me.
I used to hate how Amare use to smother me and chase everyone away. In my mind he was selfish and overprotective, but I see he was truly looking out for all of us. Everything he said that could possibly happen, did. I was grateful I was still alive.
Part of me was ashamed that I actually allowed a man to quickly come into my life and try to tear my whole world apart just because I didn’t want to be lonely. The only reason why I wasn’t fully beating myself up is that I learned in every mistake there was a message. If I focused on what happened rather than what I learned history would potentially repeat itself.
Right now it was all about self-love and care. I wanted to love myself truly and deeply, so that I could one day attract the right man for me.
I loved Wesley, but our situation wasn’t right at all and I no longer thought that it was a relationship I wanted.
Taking my wide tooth comb, I combed my hair down and smoothed down my baby hairs before applying gloss. I was ready for a day of spending time with myself.
I left out of my house and headed to Plymouth Meeting mall. I was going to shop a little, catch a movie then go out to eat at PF Changs. It wasn’t the fanciest restaurant, but I have never been there and wanted to experience some places myself.
The entire time I was out enjoying time to myself, I kept my phone on do not disturb and in the car, so I can really take advantage of the moment. It was a weekday, so nothing was packed creating the perfect atmosphere for me.
After catching a movie and shopping, I was enjoying a few California rolls and a glass of wine as I glanced over the menu. I was pretty full from the snack I had in the movies, so I was making up my mind on what I wanted to order to take home for dinner. There was no way I was going to cook and ordering out was out of the question.
“Are you here alone?”
A deep baritone voice snatched my attention from the menu I was looking over. When our eyes locked my heart skipped a beat staring into his dark hooded eyes. He had the most beautiful chocolate skin as if he was dipped in the world's finest chocolate. Handsome was an understatement. But his good looks wasn’t powerful enough to take me out of my mindset.
“Yes, I am.”
“Mind if I join you?” he asked with his pearly whites on full display. Again, my heart leapt in my chest like a bucking horse.
No, Amena!
“Actually, I do.”
His feelings look hurt from the way the corner of his lips dropped a little. Another smile soon followed up though.
“I can respect that. Enjoy your food, beautiful.”
Listening to my inner voice, I returned a faint smile and focused back on the menu not bothering to watch him leave.
I eventually decided on Changs Spicy Chicken and steamed white rice. My packaged order came out in about fifteen minutes along with the folder that should’ve had my check to pay for my food, but it was only a paper with a number and the name Miles written over it. The stranger had me smiling again.
“This isn’t the check,” I told the waitress.
“The guy that left his number paid for your food. He asked me to give you this when you asked for the check. He left me a good tip; might I add. He seems like a great guy you should get to know.” The waitress smiled and winked her eye at me which had me chortling.
“Did he pay you to say that?”
“No! Not at all, but if a guy goes out his way to get to know you, it’s worth a shot.”
I laughed because she really had no idea how things like this was nothing but a man shooting his shot. If a guy was trying to get your attention they had to impress you. Paying my forty-five-dollar bill wasn’t the way. Not that I was materialistic, but I knew all too well that little things like this didn’t mean they were genuine. He could’ve done this a million times before me.
I placed a few bills in the folder over top of his number. “Maybe,” I responded, giving a one shoulder shrug and pushing back my chair. “Too bad I won’t find out.”
Taking my bags, I left out of the restaurant to go back home and lie down. I was pretty beat from all the walking around I did. I knew by the time I woke up the spicy chicken was going to hit the spot.
Arriving at my house, I pulled up to my gate noticing Wesley’s truck right away. Normally, I would’ve been delighted to see him, but right now when I was getting my mind right, he was nothing but a distraction.
When he walked up to my car, I rolled down the window remembering how Jake was once in his shoes.
“Hey, is everything ok?” I asked when I noticed the distressed look on his face.
“I don’t know. I need to talk to you. You mind if I come in so we can talk?”
I thought about it for a second and then nodded my head. He took a step back and allowed me to drive up to key in the code. He followed in right behind me. Once I pulled into my spot, I turned off my engine and got out to retrieve my bags from the trunk. Wesley approached me and took the bags from me, leaving me with my dinner.
His intoxicating cologne had me in a trance. I was busy telling myself to stay focused as I made my way to my front door behind him.
“Want me to bring these upstairs?”
I placed my keys on the console and then walked to the kitchen shaking my head. “No, it’s fine. What’s been on your mind?”
Opening the fridge, I placed my food on the top shelf and pulled out two bottles of water. When I closed the fridge, Wesley was at the counter leaned up against it with his arms folded over his broad chest. I extended the water to him.
“You look beautiful,” he quipped reaching out for my hair, but I dodged his hand.
“Thank you.
Rejection was written all over his face, but I didn’t feel bad. “Earlier I went to go talk to Kesha about us being co-parents.”
I pursed my lips together to stop myself from asking what the hell that had to do with me. At this point I didn’t give a fuck what he did with her.
“When I pulled up, I saw her arguing with some man. When I got out of the car she was back in the house and he told me that he believed she was pregnant by him,” he added with a somber expression. I no longer cared for him and that girls situation, but I still had a heart and I knew how he felt about her possibly having his chi
ld.
“I’m so sorry.”
A sigh escaped his lips before he twisted the cap off the bottle and brought it to his mouth. “Shit, I am too. I’m glad I found out sooner than later. I had no intentions of getting the baby tested because I didn't take that girl to be that conniving.”
“Wes… this is the same woman that purchased a ring and told her parents you were marrying her. Don’t sit here and play a fool, especially not to me. I am a woman. I know how we can operate and most of all, you know her. There’s no way you can be surprised by this.”
Wesley stared at me blankly before nodding his head. “You’re right. I’m just upset and confused. I invested all this time and feelings into this baby that may not be mine. Got my friends and family involved… shit… things wouldn’t have gone this fucked up between us had it not been for this surprise pregnancy.”
I held my hand out slightly taken aback from his statement. “The baby has nothing to do about the strain we had. It was you and it was me. The both of us. You had two women that wanted you and that got to your head. It’s my fault as well because I allowed you to make me an option when I should’ve made the decision easier for you by subtracting myself from the equation. As far as the baby, he’s a blessing whether he come from you or the other man. He is not the reason why we are in this predicament.”
“I’m not trying to blame the baby. All I’m saying is I was dead set on being with you, but when I learned of her pregnancy Kesha and I got closer.”
“Closer how? As parents or lovers?” I asked now crossing my hands under my breast and tilted my head to the side. I felt my eyebrows edging together as we spoke. So much for being unbothered. I had feelings for the jackass. No matter how pissed I was, I still did. I was just smart enough now not to act upon it. My happiness no longer equated to feeling loved and wanted by another human. “You and her were fucking weren’t y’all?” I asked.
“No... not at first.”
My heart shattered. I drew my bottom lip into my mouth sinking my teeth into it to distract my body from the thought of wanting to cry. Luckily, for Wesley my arms were folded because I also wanted to bash his face in.
Forcing a smirk to grace my face, I shook my head. “Is that everything you had to get off your chest?”
“Fuck you mean? I’m trying to make things right with us.”
“We’re good, Wes. Trust me, we’re good. I’m sorry you found that news out about the baby and as invested you were in him; I pray that he belongs to you. Other than that, there’s no us. I want to focus on me. Take the time to focus on your potential kid.”
The last part came off harsh, but I genuinely meant it in a positive way. We didn’t work out for a reason and I accepted it. He needed to as well. I wasn’t about to jump into a relationship with him because he thought he was finally ready.
We held each other's gaze for a moment before he finally looked away. Wesley didn’t respond as usual and headed towards my door. I waited until I heard the door open and close shut before I ambled over to it turning the locks.
I felt nothing. Had it been the old me, those words may have not escaped my lips, but I loved the woman that I was becoming more than anyone else. It was time for my happiness to be put first even if I had to bask in it alone.
Mar
“I didn’t expect you to be back so soon. You must’ve changed your mind on killing me.”
I chuckled. “I actually came back here to bring you back something that belonged to you.”
Extending the bag of cash out to her, she looked from my hand to my face before taking it from me. Once she unzipped it the frown she had on her face turned into a smile.
“I’m not surprised you found him. What I am shocked about is you being so nice to me. Why?”
“I’m being generous and I’m also not in the business of taking shit that doesn’t belong to me. Especially when I know you need it.”
She angled her face upward towards me with a slight smile. “I appreciate it.”
“No problem. It’s safe to say you're gonna hang up that Queen pin title. Find yaself a hobby, open up a business. There’s so much you can do to flip that money. Moving weight isn’t safe for a woman.”
“Why?! You wouldn't want any competition?” she shot back propping her hand on her hip. I couldn’t do anything but laugh.
“You were never competition. You or ya man,” I added. “You do realize that if you wanted to stay in the game you’ll be eating because of me.”
She didn’t like that one bit, yet I was telling the truth. Eighty percent of the coke that circulated in Philly was supplied by me. The other twenty percent was some trash hating ass niggas went and copped from another connect, but I was pretty sure they weren’t making shit off it which is why that same twenty percent was either begging for me to supply or setting up other dealers to steal their work. That part of the game wasn't my issue though. All I did was sell the weight what happened to it after the transaction was out of my control. Corner boy days were long behind me.
I mainly made that comment because I knew once these savages got wind of her getting her hand on my work, they would rob her ass blind.
“I appreciate the advice. You won’t have to worry about me though. I’m packing my things up and heading to Florida. Get me a nice little house and live like the common folk.”
“Ain’t nothing wrong with that.” She nodded her head. I could see it in her eyes that she hated that decision, but it was for her safety and peace of mind she did that.
“No problem. You take care of yourself,” I told her stepping off her porch.
Getting into my car, I decided to pop in on Amena. I knew I was trying to give her space to allow her to do her own thing, but I couldn’t help checking in on her. No matter how old she was, she was still my baby sister and I was going to be on her ass until the day I die.
During my ride to her crib, my music stopped playing because of the incoming call. Corryn’s name showed up on the screen of my radio, so I connected the call.
“Yo babe.”
“Hey, are you busy?”
“What’s wrong?” I asked automatically hearing the irritation in her voice. To a stranger, they wouldn’t have known or thought she wasn’t in a good mood. I knew her in and out, so I was able to pick up on the little things.
I knew she was going to have breakfast with her mother, and she was dreading the idea. I had hopes it turned out better than what she thought, but I see that was a lost cause.
“My mother. You won’t believe me, but she done up and ran away like a damn child after I asked her a question. She yelled at me about not saying Ms. Margaret’s name and then left out of the Cafe. We didn’t get a chance to eat or anything.”
“Damn, you want me to put people out there to go look for her?”
This wasn’t surprising. Her mom had a few screws loose and I could imagine that she didn't want to admit to her faults. She slept with a married man and was more than likely ashamed. The thing is, she wasn’t the first or the last. We all made fucked up decisions or was involuntarily put in fucked up situations, but that didn’t necessarily make you a bad person.
“She ain’t lost. Her ass is just stubborn and I’m not about to kiss her ass or chase her down. What’s done is done. I don’t care about how she chose to live her life back then. All I want to do is to know my family and give our baby a chance to know she has grandparents.”
I bit my tongue at her last statement. I knew she wanted to include my crack head ass mom, but I didn’t want to entertain her idea, especially knowing my response would hurt her feelings. I was all for her getting to know her father, but my egg donor wasn’t a topic I was bending on.
“You good though? I know you’re pissed.”
“I am, but it is what it is. I’m going to call up Ms. Margaret and let her know I will be there whether my mom likes it or not.” She got quiet and continued. “That’s on her. I love my mom but if she really kept my father away from me that was fucked
up. Our life probably didn’t have to be as hard as it was. He could’ve helped out. Ms. Margaret doesn’t seem like the bitter type even though her husband stepped out on her. She can’t possibly be since she did all that to just find me.”
“True,” I responded. “But you don’t know how things played out back then. They could’ve been beefing and rumbling over ya pop, so that may be the reason why ya mom is upset about it.”
CoCo got quiet more than likely thinking about the point I just made. I wasn’t a female, but I raised one so I kind of had a good idea how they operated.
“You’re right. It would’ve been nice to talk to her about it, but it is what it is. I’m going to the dinner.”
“We’re going to go to the dinner,” I corrected. Again, she got quiet only because I knew she had a big ass smile on her face.
Corryn wasn’t used to the way I treated her, and I wasn’t offended not one bit. She spent so many years with a lame, that her expectations and desires were low. One thing for certain, I wasn’t like these new niggas. I was old school. I protected and provided, and I don’t care how much weight I had on my shoulders I would carry her through every trial and tribulation in her life along with the joyful moments. I was rocking with her through thick and thin. That big ass ring should’ve been a reminder.
“What did I do to deserve you?” she asked.
“You ain’t do shit and don’t gotta do anything to get this treatment. You’re a queen and will always be treated as such.”
“I swear, I’ma suck the shit out of ya dick when you get home,” she said and had me laughing. The blood started to rush to my member thinking about the work she could put in too.
“I’ma hold you to that.”
“I'll be waiting at the door on my knees,” she joked. “How long will it be before you return?”
“I was going to pull up on Mena, but shittttt, I might get up with her some other time since you handing out sloppy toppies.”