The Complete Alice Wonder Series - Insanity - Books 1 - 9

by Cameron Jace

  I keep hitting Reds with my umbrella. It's one hell of a strong umbrella, but I am not sure Fabiola gave it to me for that purpose. In a flash, I find her behind me as she pulls me away. She stabs several Reds on the way as she tucks me into a confession booth. "It's better you stay here until this is over," she says.

  I hold the door before she closes it. "Be careful, White Queen." I grab for her free hand. "I… I mean: we need you."

  She smiles broadly as if no one has ever appreciated what she does.

  "I have to kill them fast," she says. "I have to attend prayers in a few." She slams the door behind her.

  In the darkness of the booth, the screen on my left opens. A pair of curious eyes look through. They don't belong to the Reds because these eyes have a face.

  "Hey, father, are you there?" a boy says. I recognize the voice. It's the annoying and arrogant Jack Diamonds.

  50

  "I am my son." I do my best to sound like older folks.

  "What's with your voice, father? Ah, it must have softened from gazing at the holy face of the Lord," Jack says. He's dead serious. I didn't know he has this side to him. "Tell me, father. What does he look like?"

  "Who?" I frown in the dark as I hear the battle taking place outside.

  "The Lord, father. I bet he is a cool guy, right?"

  "How dare you even think to speak of the Lord?" It takes all the breath in my stomach to imitate such a voice.

  "Oh, I am sorry." Jack's eyes are trying to see through the dark. "You see, I came to ask your opinion on something. I am in love with a girl. Her name is Alice. Alice Wonder. She is awesome, like marshmallow awesome."

  I don't say anything, or I will laugh. I am not affected by him saying he is in love with me. I don't even know him, and he is weird. Also, I think he is a player. Good-looking guys like him must have a lot of girlfriends.

  "I am crazy about her," he says. "I mean, really. I have no idea why. You know what I think, father? I think she is insane. Like, really insane. Tutti frutti insane."

  "Then why are you telling me this?" I cough to hide my voice.

  "I thought you could talk to her about me. Tell her that I am a great guy. All I need is a date with her."

  A spear smashes through the confession booth and hits the wall behind me, right behind my ear. I scream.

  "Father? Seriously, something's wrong with your voice," Jack says.

  "I'm not a father, you annoying stalker!" I yell at him.

  "Alice? What are you doing here in the Vatican?"

  "I was going to ask you the same question." I bang the door open. Fighting the Reds is much better than talking nonsense to this Jack Diamonds.

  "Use the hood," he tells me when we're outside.

  "Can you just go?" I bang one of the Reds with my umbrella.

  "Suit yourself," he says and puts on the Red's hood. "I'm going to disappear." He buries his face under the hood and turns hollow. He begins killing Reds with his bare hands. Jack fights in the strangest ways. He kicks and hits as if he is a kung fu fighter. A horrible one, actually. But it works.

  I find the closest Red hood and put it on. What a genius idea. When I approach them, they think I am one of them, and I keep hitting them with the umbrella. The White Queen and the Pillar are fighting on the other side of the church. They can't see me because of the angle, but I can hear their voices. There are a few Reds left alive. I don't even know who those Reds are.

  Jack and I come back to back while fighting. "How do you know about that weird kung fu slash samurai stuff?" I shout.

  "It's not kung fu," Jack says. "It's None Fu. Short for Nonsense Fu. It's basically karate, jujitsu, kung fu, and every other fighting technique in the world. Some like to call it the Art of Nonsense." He kicks one of the Reds, saying, "Aiya!"

  "Nonsense?"

  "It's the way Lewis Carroll used to fight," he explains.

  "You knew Lewis Carroll?"

  "That's a long story." Jack turns around and faces me. "You look so hollow," he says.

  "You too." I laugh. "You think that's why the Reds left?" Since we stopped fighting, they've all gone, thinking we were part of them. They've probably run to Fabiola and the Pillar.

  "Do you think we should kiss now?" he says.

  "Heck no." What's wrong with this guy?

  "I mean, we don't even see our faces. It wouldn't hurt to try to see if we could feel them."

  "You're obnoxious." I pull away from him. "Why do you keep following me?"

  "The heart has reason that reason doesn't know of."

  "Oh, please." I wave my hands in the air. "Grow up. And please leave me alone."

  The Pillar and Fabiola come running toward me. "One left to go, and they're all dead." The Pillar is about to choke me with his hose.

  "Wait. It's me." I take the hood off. "And him…" When I point to Jack, he's gone. I wonder if I was too harsh on him.

  "That was a brilliant idea," the Pillar says, sitting on the bank and panting. "We could have just killed you."

  "Don't listen to him, Alice." The White Queen salutes me. "It was a smart move. You're still learning. And I saw you give them heck. You are brave. Did you see how she killed some of the Reds, Pillar?"

  "And I thought it was 'thou shalt not kill.'" He sighs and stands up. "Come on, Alice, we have a plane to catch."

  "I know." I can't even catch my breath in this fast-paced Wonderland War. "We're going to Belgium to find the Cheshire."

  "As a matter of fact, no," the Pillar says. "We're heading back to the asylum. It's late, and if you don't show up there, Waltraud and Ogier will be suspicious. I don't want Tommy to be exposed. You're supposed to be in his care by morning. That's what he tells the underground ward."

  "A hero by day, a loon by night," I mumble. "I hope I see you again, Fabiola."

  "I'm sure you will." She kisses me on the forehead. "Although you're not the Alice, I've felt tremendous love for you since I met you. Now go. I have a prayer to attend and thousands of people who shouldn't see me with a sword."

  "Take care of yourself." I kiss her on the cheek.

  "Can we just stop all the lovey-dovey moments and move on?" The Pillar pulls me by the hand. "Say hi to God for me, Fabiola. Tell him I am sorry I smoked in his booth and killed in his church. Is there repentance for that?"

  "Stop," the White Queen says. "Let me tell you about the Cheshire's past first."

  51

  ALICE'S CELL, RADCLIFFE LUNATIC ASYLUM

  Hours later, after Fabiola told us about the Cheshire, I am dreaming in my cell again. It's a dream about my boyfriend, Adam. He is still wearing his hood, and I can't see his face. We're alone in Christ Church's garden.

  "Am I insane?" I ask Adam, not sure why I do.

  "It depends," Adam says.

  "It depends?"

  "On whether it's more important to know if you're insane, or to know who you are," he says.

  "You're talking in riddles, just like the Pillar."

  "I am not the Pillar, Alice," he says. "I'm Adam. The love of your life."

  "I still have a whole life in front of me. How do you know you're the love of my life?"

  "I know you will never love someone the way you loved me."

  "Why don't you show me your face, then?" I ask. "I need to see the face of the one I loved."

  "You still love me, Alice," he says. "I'm still madly in love with you." He stops for a moment. "I'm not hiding my face from you. This is my face. Maybe it's just you who doesn't see me."

  "Me?"

  "I don't know why you do it, but it seems that you're not ready to see me." He sounds sincere. Again, I love his voice. It reminds me of a lullaby I can't remember from when I was a child—if that makes any sense. "I think you're afraid to remember me and then have to deal with my absence. My death was really hard on you."

  "So I either remember you and a great pain comes with it, or forget you and great madness comes with it."

  "If forgetting me is going to make you happy, I don
't mind," he says. "I see you have a thing for this boy you met."

  "Boy? You mean Jack Diamonds?" I laugh. "No, he's a loon. I don't even know him, I swear."

  "It's all right to meet other people after my death, Alice," Adam says. "It's really all right. I think he loves you dearly."

  "What? How can you say so? I told you. I don't even know him. He is really weird. He doesn't even know me. I love you, Adam."

  "You don't even remember me." He laughs from under the hood.

  "I don't remember your face, but I remember you in my heart somehow," I say. "It's a feeling I can't escape."

  "Then, I will always be with you."

  I say nothing. A tear trickles down my cheek. "Will you be with me when I face the Cheshire tomorrow?" I ask him to make sure he means it. Maybe spirits can still protect their loved ones after death.

  "I will be, but there is something you have to know," he says. "The power the Cheshire is after is scarier than death itself."

  "Do you know what it is?"

  "I can't say. You have to figure it out. The power he is after surpasses any imagination. I mean any imagination. He will be the scariest face of evil in the world."

  "You're scaring me, Adam."

  "I am because I care about you. If you're going after the Cheshire, you need to know the kind of danger you're facing. The Cheshire is going to perform a forbidden ritual tomorrow. You have to stop him, or…"

  "Or?"

  "It will be the end of the world."

  "What kind of ritual, Adam?" I feel like waking up from my dream but do my best not to. The plants in Oxford's garden are drowning in water all of a sudden. A crazy flood swarms the university. Its tides are really high. Is this the end of the world Adam talked about?

  When I open my eyes, I am all wet in my cell. Waltraud stands above me with a bucket of ice-cold water. "Vake up, Alice," she says, laughing. "Time for some shock therapy."

  52

  THE MUSH ROOM, RADCLIFFE LUNATIC ASYLUM

  Ogier rubs the two electrodes together as if he is a child with a fork and spoon in his hand. The spark he creates sends shivers down my spine. I take a deep breath before the electricity reaches me, reminding myself that this is my new life. A hero by day, a mad girl by night.

  Waltraud laughs each time I shake and shiver. She is still smoking her cigarette, watching me as if I were her favorite TV series. As electricity surges through me, I remember what the Pillar told me on the way back. He was talking about the easiest way to tell if someone is insane. It's not the way they look, talk, or behave. The most common trait in insane people is that they think they aren't insane. According to the Pillar's nonsensical logic, we're all insane. The only way to survive insanity is to admit it.

  "You know that I am not being examined by a specialist when I leave every morning, right?" I tell Waltraud, still sweating from the buzzes. "You know I save lives in the outside world, don't you?"

  Waltraud almost chokes, laughing at me. "But of course, my dear Alice." She keeps on laughing with Ogier. "I also know you're a princess in the real world."

  Ogier buzzes me again, and all I can do is laugh with them. It's a hysterical moment. We all laugh, and we don't know why exactly. Am I laughing at the fact that there is no way in the world they'll believe me? Maybe I am laughing because I am really insane.

  "Seriously." I hiccup between the laughs. "You must have seen me on TV. My picture was everywhere yesterday. I am the girl who ate a block of cheese in the Great Hall of Oxford University that morning."

  "Cheeeeeese?" Waltraud kills her cigarette on the floor. Every big thing in her body is vibrating from laughter. "Why did you eat the cheese, Alice? Are you a rat?" Ogier laughs at this part. Sometimes he reminds me of Frankenstein.

  My laughing suddenly stops, and I stare at them. They sound like they really haven't seen me. Could it be they never watch the news while living here in the underground ward?

  "You seriously didn't see me?" My lips are dry when I say that. And my head is still buzzing.

  "I think this is enough therapy for her today," Waltraud tells Ogier. "She is losing it." She tries to cup her hands over her mouth to keep from laughing.

  "My God," I say. "You didn't see me."

  "Of course, we didn't," Waltraud says. "Christ Church was closed yesterday. The police needed to collect evidence for the Cheshire murders. No students or tourists were allowed inside."

  53

  THE PILLAR'S PRIVATE AIRPLANE — ON THE WAY TO BELGIUM

  It's early morning. We're on the Pillar's private plane, heading to the town of Ypres in Belgium. I am not surprised when I find out that his whimsical and speechless chauffeur is our flight attendant. But I am quite surprised when I learn he is also the pilot.

  "I never knew you had a private plane," I say, sitting next to him in the comfortable seat as the private jet takes off. It looks like an exceptionally sunny day for this time of year. The Pillar says that the flight should only take twenty-nine minutes.

  "You don't know anything about me, Alice." He surfs the internet on his phone, gathering more information about Kattenstoet. "If Tom Truckle is cheap with airplane tickets, then I'd rather use my plane. I have a hookah lounge in here."

  "The Emirates Airlines also had a hookah lounge. You weren't impressed with it."

  "Wonderland hookah is something else. Lewis Carroll will tell you about it one day." He tilts his head, offended by my comparison.

  "And if I may ask, does your chauffeur have a name?"

  "I never asked. I call him Chauffeur,” he says nonchalantly. "He doesn't speak much if you haven't noticed. He is dear to me. He works for free, as long as I protect him from the Cheshire."

  "Cheshire? What would the Cheshire want to do with your whimsical chauffeur?"

  "My chauffeur is very mousy if you haven't noticed. Cat and mouse aren't the best of friends." The Pillar winks. "Enough about him. You were telling me Waltraud and Ogier claim Christ Church was closed yesterday, right?"

  "Yes."

  "Then what do you call this?" He shows me the news coverage from TV on his phone. It shows all that happened and the footage of me eating cheese in the Great Hall. "You're very famous on YouTube, by the way. Boy, you love cheese so much."

  "So, Waltraud is playing games with me, right?"

  "Listen, Alice," the Pillar says impatiently. "If you're going to question your sanity whenever someone tells you you're insane, you'll spend your life in misery. For instance, all this, including the video, could all be happening in your mind. Right?"

  "You've got a point."

  "Then how do you really know what is true and what is not?" he says. "A friend of mine called Einstein once said, 'Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.'"

  "Einstein was your friend?" I narrow my eyes.

  "And an excellent hookah smoker. He puffed faster than the speed of light—relatively speaking, of course." The Pillar leans back in his seat. "How do you think he came up with his genius madness?"

  "One last question," I say. "Why doesn't the FBI, Interpol, or any authority do anything about the killings? I mean, my picture is all over the world, and no one interrogated me or bothered even finding me."

  "Do you really want me to answer that?" The Pillar stares at the ceiling.

  "Because I am mad?"

  "That's a possibility, of course, but not the real reason."

  "Then what is it?" I am feeling helpless. "Are you working for Interpol?"

  "Me? Of course not." The Pillar chuckles. "Intercontinental, maybe. For two days, and they fired me for teaching customers how to smoke. Your problem is that you're always asking the wrong questions, Alice."

  "How so?"

  "A sane person would want to figure out who works for Interpol or the FBI," he says. "But an insane person would ask who the FBI, Interpol, and the British Parliament really work for."

  I turn and pull out a magazine to read. I am not even going to go there and ask who the FBI works for. Let
's just stick to the Cheshire's mystery.

  "By the way," the Pillar says, "the grinning cat carving in St. Christopher in Pott Shrigley was stolen this morning."

  54

  "What?" I put the magazine back. "Why didn't you tell me?"

  "You're always asking, Alice. I thought I'd feed your curiosity first."

  "The whole statue was stolen?"

  "It wasn't a statue, but a grinning cat carved in the wall," the Pillar says. "It turned out this carving was removable. It's practically a mask, disguised as a carving in the wall. That Richard Westmacott was a genius."

  "So, what does this mean?"

  "It means the Cheshire stole it," the Pillar says. "And it means your theory is right. Somehow, the Cheshire was after the one grinning cat carving in those churches that were secretly a mask. My bet is he didn't know which one it was. Knowing how Carroll implanted secrets in everything, I bet it took the Cheshire some time to steal the right mask without messing things up."

  "What do you mean?"

  "Carroll was meticulous. I would not be surprised if stealing the wrong mask would have resulted in the destruction of all the other masks by some Carrollian magic."

  "So the Cheshire has the power Lewis Carroll deprived him of now?" I am disturbed by even thinking about it.

  The Pillar nods. He looks more annoyed with the Cheshire getting the power than concerned with humanity's fate. "The cat is out of the bag. The White Queen said it wouldn't be good if he got that power."

  "Adam told me the same thing in my dreams," I mumble. "He said it would be the end of the world."

  "Adam, your boyfriend?" the Pillar says. I notice he's always focusing when I mention Adam.