The Smoking Nun

by Dakota Cassidy

  I gulped and inhaled, closing my eyes. “That’s all I ask is that you listen. What I’m going to tell you is going to sound absurd, bananapants crazy—like straight out of some horror movie. But I swear as I stand here before you, in a house of the Lord, it’s all true. Every word I’m about to share is all the truth. My truth.”

  He looked at me for a long time, and I managed to hold his gaze without crumbling…and then he held out a hand to me.

  I reached over the desk, my hand visibly trembling, and I took his and clung, letting his warm skin sear mine.

  And then I began.

  Higgs blinked and inhaled a ragged breath before he spoke, leaning back in the chair he’d finally had to sit in or fall over from shock.

  “So let me get this straight. Coop is a demon. A demon who saved you from being dragged through a portal to Hell while she, herself, escaped from Hell.”

  I swallowed hard. “Yes.”

  “And Livingston, the talking owl, latched on to her when she escaped from Hell, and he’s a nice Irish boy trapped in some road kill’s body.”

  “Correct,” Coop said, leaning her hip against the desk. “Well, he’s mostly nice. Sometimes he tells fake news.”

  Higgs looked at her, his mouth half open. But then he appeared to gather his thoughts and said, “And Jeff—my Jeff—who I thought was a stray, also escaped from Hell and landed in the body of a puppy. He sniffed the two of you out and found you here in Cobbler Cove, and he can talk, too.”

  I gulped on a wince, my throat tight and dry. “Also correct.”

  “And you,” he muttered. “You’ve been possessed by a demon named Artur, who’s responsible for getting you booted from your former convent by controlling your body, and he’s the one who turned you into the Hulk tonight.”

  Closing my eyes, I fought my fear and nodded once more. “Yes.”

  Then we all fell silent while he reabsorbed what he’d already been trying so desperately to absorb.

  I have to give it to Higgs. He’d been quiet, he’d been open to hearing what Coop and I had to say. He hadn’t once asked for a break while we spilled our guts, nor had he been at all judgmental. His expression had remained passive the entire time.

  And now this—this silence, this waiting on tenterhooks to see his reaction.

  “Cross Higglesworth?” Coop said, peering down into his face. “Are you absorbing? I suggest you absorb quickly so we can take Trixie to the emergency room. I worry her ankle is broken.”

  But I jumped up and wiped my clammy palms on my aching thighs. As Higgs absorbed, I became increasingly uncomfortable. Telling him our story without actually begging him to accept me left me almost angry. I felt almost judged, which is a natural defense mechanism whether real or imagined.

  I didn’t ask for this. I didn’t invite this chaos into my body. It happened. For lack of a better term, I wasn’t going to be victim-blamed because it had.

  And that made me unusually snippy. “Listen. You do you, Higgs. Figure this out however you like. Sit with it, think about it, call me if you have questions. But know this—I am who I am. I can’t change what’s happened, and despite this outlandish story, despite the fact that I have a demon inside me, just waiting to eat my soul, I’m a good person. Everything I’ve told you is the truth. So, there’s nothing left to say, is there?”

  “Trixie Lavender!” Coop actually almost yelled, placing her hand on my shoulder and forcing me to sit back down in the chair opposite Higgs’s. “Don’t become contrary because you’re frustrated with Higgs not reacting the way you’d wish. We can’t control others’ feelings, we can only control our own. Now, please sit down.”

  There’s nothing like having your words thrown back at you, is there? Contrite, I repositioned myself, catching a glimpse of Higgs’s surprised face.

  Holding up my hands, I acknowledged the truth of Coop’s words. “Okay. I’m a little on edge. I apologize. But put yourself in my shoes. I just told another human being I’m possessed. I’ve never done that before.”

  “So Goose and Knuckles don’t know?” Higgs asked as he turned to face me.

  “No. The only other people on the planet who know are an ex-witch named Stevie and…” I stopped myself from saying anything else.

  The existence of demons was enough for one night. He didn’t need to know about my ex-witch/medium friend, her talking bat familiar, her ghostly British spy and the afterlife.

  That was for another day.

  “Stevie being the woman you stayed with in Ebenezer Falls, where you ran into your first murder, right?”

  “Yes,” I replied stiffly.

  “She’s an ex-witch?”

  “That’s another conversation.”

  “I’ll say,” he drawled. “So what just happened, the way you went ballistic on Deacon Delacorte or whoever he really is—”

  “Emile Franklin.”

  Higgs cocked his head. “Right. Him. All that rage—all that violence—that was because of the demon you harbor? You have no control over it?”

  I looked back down at my thighs again, my ankle throbbing to beat the band. “No. I have no control. I typically don’t even know when it’s going to happen, or that it’s happening at all. The attacks are sudden and they’re almost always violent, and Coop, being a demon herself, is usually the only one who can settle me because she’s so strong. But my last attack was months ago. During the thing with Dr. Fabrizio and Detective Griswald.”

  He blinked his eyes and ran a hand through his hair. “I have a bazillion questions.”

  “I bet you do.”

  “Are you willing to answer them or are you going to snipe at me because I want to understand and that’s probably going to annoy you at some point?”

  “I’ll try not to snipe.”

  But Coop pushed off of Father Rico’s desk and stood between us, holding up a slender hand. “Now that you’ve heard the worst of this, the rest will have to wait. Trixie’s face is blowing up like a balloon and her ankle needs to be checked. No more talking until later,” she ordered, holding her hand out to me and gently pulling me upward.

  “I’ll get the car,” he offered…and then he dropped a gentle kiss on my forehead and smiled.

  The Higgs smile.

  The dazzling one that made my toes curl and my heart race.

  Maybe this wouldn’t be so bad after all.

  Epilogue

  Eleven hours, a broken ankle, two black eyes, ten stitches, two sprained fingers and an award made by the ER staff fashioned out of a face mask and some Depends for the baddest ex-nun in the land, later…

  * * *

  We sat on a bench outside the hospital while Coop went and dug the car out of some distant parking lot, me exhausted, Higgs still bursting with questions as though he’d just found out Santa Clause was real.

  “So my dog can talk? Seriously? Full-sentences, conversation-worthy talk?”

  I yawned, even though it hurt to open my mouth that far. “Yes. He has an accent, too. I think his human form was originally from Boston.”

  “Hah!” Higgs yelped, handing me the coffee he’d gone and found while I was being stitched up. “Do you think he’ll talk to me, too?”

  “I think if he knows he can talk out in the open freely, he’d talk to Satan.”

  Higgs nudged my shoulder. “Well, hasn’t he already?”

  I stifled a small giggle and closed my tired eyes. “Look at you, already in acceptance mode. But truthfully, I don’t know. Though, I guess you could ask, right? The whole Satan thing is still something I haven’t quite digested as real-real, you know what I mean? Like, Coops tells me things, and my jaw hits the floor, and I’m all manner of shocked and in awe. Then disbelief strikes, yet I can’t deny her information is real when I have a demon inside me, and she’s proven she’s a demon.”

  “Yeah.” He grew quiet for a moment as he absorbed that, but then he asked, “So Coop… Her interactions with people are…”

  The sun was just beginning to p
op up over the horizon, its orange haze bringing with it a new day. “Strange? Matter-of-fact? Emotionless?”

  “I’m not sure what adjectives I’d use to describe her, but those work in a pinch. Don’t get me wrong, I love her, I just noticed she socializes differently.”

  “Coop isn’t used to interacting with people on a daily basis. You can’t tell by her face or even her words, but she truly loves it. She doesn’t always understand the basic rules of society, or a metaphor, or even most common courtesies, but she tries like the dickens. I don’t know how she ended up so kind when her creation was intended for evil, but she has a heart of gold—even if she can’t smile very well.”

  Higgs gave me an odd look, his eyebrow raised. “Her creation was intended for evil?”

  I patted his leg in sympathy. “I’ll let her tell you her origin story. It’s hers to tell. I know this is a lot to consume, but do it in small doses or I can’t promise you won’t have nightmares.”

  “You’re probably right. Speaking of origin stories, I got a text from Tansy while you were in getting stitched up.”

  “And?”

  “First, she said to tell you Emile confessed to every last bit. The police and forensics are over at his apartment now, collecting the evidence… ”

  “You mean body parts, right? Like heads?”

  “I was trying to be delicate, but yes. Also, she said to tell Mike Tyson to take a couple of days off.”

  I choked on a laugh as I sipped my coffee. “Do you think she fell for Coop’s story about me taking Krav Maga? It’s not exactly the kind of sport that would leave Emile in the shape I left him in.”

  Now Higgs laughed, draping his arm over my shoulders. “I think she just thinks you guys went a few rounds before we got there, and seeing as you have plenty of bruises and stitches yourself, at least as many as he does, she probably won’t question it much.”

  I wasn’t so sure. “But he was nearly catatonic, Higgs. Surely he’ll tell them what I did to him.”

  Apparently, according to Coop, I’d really lost my ever-lovin’ mind on Emile. I remembered nothing of it, but after Coop and Higgs managed to get out of the duct tape and restraints Emile had tied them up with, they’d found me throwing him around like a rag doll.

  I wanted to feel a certain amount of shame at my violence, but I couldn’t summon much. He’d killed Sister Ophelia, and that hadn’t even been the beginning of his long history of murder.

  Higgs took a swig of coffee and nodded. “I’m sure he will, but we’ll be there to back up your story. Don’t worry. We’ve got it all worked out.”

  Folding my hands around the Styrofoam cup, I looked down at my torn-up knuckles. “Is Father Rico okay?”

  “Well, he’s in a lot of shock, for sure. But he didn’t see Coop work her magic, if that’s what you’re worried about. He passed out.”

  “Bet you wish you’d passed out, huh?” I teased.

  “Are you kidding me? And miss Coop literally shredding three-inch-thick rope with nothing more than a shrug of her arms? No, ma’am. I can look back on it fondly now that I’m past the freak-out stage. Don’t take the coolness away from me.”

  I chuckled and shifted my sore foot. I’d taken some Aleve but refused the pain meds, and I was beginning to regret that choice.

  “And Sister Patricia? Any news on her release?”

  “She’s been released from custody, free and clear. Father Rico and Deacon Cameron went to get her.”

  I felt sad for what she’d lose because of her affair, but maybe she’d land on her feet the way I had. I hoped for that. “She must be so upset. She’s got a lot to figure out now.”

  “That she does, but Father Rico was ready to hear what she had to say. As to Mrs. Coletti, she could be charged with obstruction of justice for lying about that phone call between Sister P and Horatio.”

  Sighing, I looked off into the distance. “What a mess. I bet Mr. Coletti’s going to eat Mrs. Coletti alive for that—forget what he did. An affair is one thing. An accusation of murder is quite another. I feel so badly for Daniel.”

  “Oh, that’s probably already in the works, according to Tansy. She was in the middle of questioning Mrs. Coletti again when word came in about Emile. She released Mr. Coletti and Mrs. Coletti at about the same time. So…”

  I winced, imagining that mess. “I’m surprised I didn’t hear the screaming all the way in the ER.” I paused for a moment, still worried about Daniel. “Do you think Daniel’s going to be all right, Higgs?”

  “I told Tansy your concerns about him, and she’s sending a social worker to take a hard look at the Colettis.”

  My heart shifted in my chest. “You really are a knight in shining armor, Higgs. Thank you.”

  “You’re most welcome. Hey, do you ever plan to tell Knuckles and Goose?”

  I certainly wanted to, but what if they couldn’t be as accepting of my condition as Higgs? I don’t know that I could stand that kind of hurt and rejection.

  So I simply shrugged. “I don’t know. I don’t want to risk our friendship. I love them like family…”

  He smiled at me. “I get it, Trixie. I really do, but I want you to consider giving them more credit than that. But think it over. It’s still too new. One confession at a time, yes?”

  His words gave me great hope. It would be a relief if the guys knew, but I worried it could be a burden, too. For now, I had to leave this topic alone. The time would come to sort through it later when I’d slept and eaten.

  “So…we have our work cut out for us when you’re all healed up, yes?”

  I turned in my seat to look at him, confused. “Our work cut out for us? What do you mean?”

  He smiled at me, the flash of his white teeth appearing even whiter in the coming daylight. “The work where I help you figure out who this Artur is. I’m an ex-cop, Sister Trixie Lavender. It’s sort of what I used to do. If we do it together, who knows what we’ll be able to accomplish?”

  My toes curled—well, five of them did. The other five couldn’t feel anything. But more importantly, my heart curled with warmth and happiness. “You do realize, I didn’t really figure out this murder. In fact, I don’t figure them out at all. It all usually falls into my lap when I’m in the middle of fighting for my life at the hands of a killer.”

  “Well, you did figure it out, it was just poor timing. But it doesn’t matter. We can still try. Coop said you don’t know anything about this demon. So let’s find something out.”

  My heart sped up as he looked at me. “You really want to help me, Higgs?”

  Leaning toward me, his eyes grew soft. “I admit I was a little taken aback at first. I mean, it’s like an episode of Supernatural and I’m sorry if that upset you. But I’m past that now. So yes, of course I want to help you, Trixie. I’ll always want to help you. I’ll always want to be a lot of things for you—with you. Being a part of your life is one of those things. If Artur is a part of you and your life, let’s figure out what we can do to manage him or whatever needs doing.”

  Reaching up, I cupped his face with my bruised hand, still astounded. My eyes filled with tears. “Really?”

  “Really,” he rumbled, the sound coming from somewhere deep in his chest.

  And then he leaned in and kissed me.

  I didn’t have much time to dwell on all the things that kiss did to my insides, because Coop pulled up then, and Knuckles and Goose piled out of the car with their arms wide open, their faces full of worry.

  “Trixie girl! Oh, you poor baby,” Knuckles cooed as he rushed toward me and scooped me up in a gentle hug.

  Goose was right behind him, pushing Higgs out of the way to cup my cheek. “Kiddo, what the heck are we gonna do with you? What is it about you and a good knock-down drag-out? C’mon, little lady. Let’s get you home so we can fix you right up. Knuckles has some breakfast just waitin’ in the oven that needs eatin’.”

  “You guys! What are you doing here? You should both still be asleep,” I chastis
ed, even if I loved the effort they’d made.

  “You don’t think either one of us could sleep after hearing what happened to you, do you, Trix? Not a chance. So I got up and cooked and baked and Goose drove me crazy with the Home Shopping Network.”

  I laughed as they settled me into our beat-up Caddy, tucking a blanket around me, gently kissing my cheek. And as always, my heart overflowed with love for these people I’d come to consider family.

  Higgs climbed in beside me and reached for my hand, and all the feelings I’d felt when he’d kissed me came rushing back. I wanted time to process those emotions, but Knuckles looked over the seat at me and grinned. “You ready for the best egg and spinach frittata of your life, kiddo?”

  “I’m always ready for anything I didn’t make,” I said with a grin, letting my head fall to the seat.

  “Then home, James!” Knuckles called out and tweaked Coop’s cheek.

  She swatted at him with her free hand and frowned. “My name isn’t James, Knuckles. It’s Cooper O’Shea.”

  As everyone laughed at Coop’s protest, I snuggled down under the blanket and let myself relive that kiss.

  And then I smiled…and I didn’t stop for a long time to come.

  The End

  (Thank you so much for grabbing a copy of The Smoking Nun! I hope you enjoyed and you’ll come back for more adventures with Trixie, Coop and gang in Carry On My Wayward Nun—coming soon!)

  Preview Another Book By Dakota Cassidy

  Chapter 1

  “Left, Stevie! Left!” my familiar, Belfry, bellowed, flapping his teeny bat wings in a rhythmic whir against the lash of wind and rain. “No, your other left! If you don’t get this right sometime soon, we’re gonna end up resurrecting the entire population of hell!”

  I repositioned him in the air, moving my hand to the left, my fingers and arms aching as the icy rains of Seattle in February battered my face and my last clean outfit. “Are you sure it was here that the voice led you? Like right in this spot? Why would a ghost choose a cliff on a hill in the middle of Ebenezer Falls as a place to strike up a conversation?”