by Kim Petersen
When she told Scott she would join him, he swept her up and twirled her around. They left for Cairns that same day, marking the beginning of a new chapter in Lilly’s life. The woman who lay dormant within her for all of those years with Glen, was unveiled. She was finally able to release her past inhibitions as she yielded to the delicate art of love-making.
Lilly fell prey willingly to the seductive brooding eyes that had her captivated. She embraced the erotic encounters in her new life as she discovered a sexual side to herself awakening with vigour. She secretly yearned for his eyes to desire her, and for the slightest touch of his bronzed skin against hers, sending shivers through her body. She had fantasised about their love-making and anticipated their next passionate session as they sailed the Queensland coast.
The months they spent at sea blurred into one another in a whirlwind of romantic encounters, tropical islands and cocktails. At first Lilly’s intention to move forward and forget about the life she left behind became easy while she slipped into a new life of freedom and adventure, enjoying the loving attention Scott shone upon her. He made her feel like she was the only woman in the world. He confirmed this one night as they sat together under a blanket of stars as he pledged, “I don’t need the world, Lilly Pad, I need you.” Bittersweet tears had filled her eyes, as she knew she had travelled a stormy road only to find her true love where she had left him all those years ago.
As the months rolled on, Lilly found the love of a man was not quite enough to keep her happy; even a man such as Scott. Even in the light of his love, she could not shake the uneasiness within her. How could she truly love another if she couldn’t love herself first? If she couldn’t love humanity first? She knew Scott was having the time of his life with her at sea, but she knew he did not have to bear the burden of a past where she was forced to discard the children she loved. She had contemplated whether she could really love when she carried around so much guilt, as the whisper within her told her that God was not guilt; God is love.
She decided she spent too much time thinking, and welcomed the relief that alcohol provided as it drowned out the whisper. The price she paid was to surrender her self-confidence to the flow of the currents below the yacht as she became more dependent upon Scott and the booze. Between the alcohol-induced highs, Lilly discovered that the freedom she had sought meant nothing to her while she carried guilt. And as much as she tried to suppress those thoughts, she could not. She was also aware, as she recalled her conversation with Millie not long before she had left, it was those thoughts that condemned her. It was those troubling thoughts that would create the world she experienced.
And here she was, months later, living a life she had only ever lived in whimsical dreams. She was floating on a cloud known only to lovers, and drifting among a tropical paradise of islands and reefs yet she did not feel blessed. She fought back tears while she gazed into those dark waters, and saw Ace smiling in the reflection as the lights of the yacht skimmed across its surface. She knew she would have to find some way to live with the consequences of her actions and make peace with herself. At least I still have Mum and Dad, she consoled herself. She knew she needed to go back and see them again. She was looking forward to calling them tomorrow from Airlie Beach, and while rummaging through her baggage a few days earlier, had encountered the phone number of her parents’ neighbours. It was a forgotten gesture her mother had placed deep into the pockets of her handbag before she had left – “Just in case,” Margaret had chirped.
Lilly remembered rolling her eyes at the time – “Still so cautious mother,” she had teased. Now, she was so thankful for her mother’s overzealous, nurturing traits. Yes, tomorrow I shall finally speak with them! Lilly thought as she dragged herself up on her feet and followed the aroma of sizzling steaks trailing from the hull of the yacht. She was famished, and besides, her glass was long empty, and that just would not do.
Legs accustomed to the constant swirl of the sea fought to adjust to Terra Firma as they hurried through a rain-drenched Airlie Beach the next morning. Shaky hands clutched an umbrella over her head while the heavens opened over them. They scrambled together, laughing with the carelessness of children to the welcoming shelter of the hotel that would be their home for the coming nights.
Scott ushered Lilly through the heavy glass doors with protective arms leading the way. They stood in the lobby for a moment, drenched and dripping. Lilly pulled at blonde wisps glued to the sides of her face as she surveyed her surrounds. Dark leather lounges were placed strategically around the large candlelit room on plush piled maroon rugs. Each reclusive sitting area was accompanied with large solid oak coffee tables adorned with mini crystal chandelier candle holders supporting vanilla-rose scented candles. Large green palms and ferns added a tropical ambience to the decor along with the thickly carved dark timber privacy screens that added a sense of intimacy.
Lilly inhaled deeply. “Mmmm … smells so nice!”
She looked around some more, allowing her gaze to rest on the thing she sought. “I’ll meet you in the bar after you check in,” she said.
She stood up on her toes to brush moistly swollen lips against his, then turned towards the bar, leaving tiny puddles on the polished marble tiles.
After checking in, Scott stood at the entry of the bar watching her while she sat, sinking comfortably into a plumped lounge chair among handcrafted pillows. She appeared relaxed as she sipped on a chilled glass of white wine. He checked his watch. It was barely past 10am. A crease appeared on his brow as he regarded her again. This was not the Lilly he so fondly remembered, and he’d be damned if he was just going to stand by and watch her lull her life away with booze. It was then, watching her nurse her wine in a hotel bar in the hours before noon, that Scott knew he needed to do something to help her.
He sauntered into the bar, hardly noticing the appreciative glance of the young waitress as she threw him a flirty smile and checked her appearance in the mirrors that stood behind sparkling rows of coloured spirits and liquors. He came up next to Lilly and watched her take the last of the wine between eager lips.
He took the long stemmed glass from her and smiled. “Let’s go up to the room now, Lilly Pad.” He tugged at her hand. “Call your folks.”
***
An hour had passed. Freshly showered, Lilly, clad only in the fluffy folds of a white robe, sat at the bay window of their suite to make her phone call. The call to her parents’ house was met with a robotic “disconnected” notification. I must have the wrong number noted down, she thought, feeling somewhat dismayed as she pulled out their neighbour’s phone number from her handbag. She punched in the numbers, hoping they would be home and her call would be met receptively. After all, I have only met them briefly during my stay there.
Scott emerged from the bathroom and breezed into the room as Lilly made the call. He sat across from Lilly while she listened to the speaker on the other end of the phone. His dark eyes were alive and sensual with the passion they had just shared in the ample confines of the glassed shower. Her face paled and a sudden look of alarm crossed her face as the phone dropped from shaking hands. He got to his feet as she slumped into a heap and wailed, tears tumbling down her face. Scott caught her in his arms as she teetered forward from her chair and fell into him, clasping onto him as they both spiralled towards the carpeted floor.
“Lilly? What’s happened? Tell me!” he said.
Her instincts told her that her parents were dead because of her. She struggled to meet Scott’s eyes as her heart shattered.
“Mum and Dad are dead,” she cried.
“What?” Brows furrowed. “Lilly. What happened? How?” he stumbled.
“It was a house fire. An arson attack …” Tear-stained eyes struggled to focus on him. “This is all my fault! I just know it is!” she wailed.
He cradled her head in his arms as she trembled. “It’s not your fault, sweetheart.” He soothed.
“If I hadn’t left Glen and gone to them, he wouldn’
t have killed them,” she said between sobs.
“How can you know that? You said yourself it was an arson attack. I recall all those arson attacks on the news a few months back, Lilly,” he said softly.
She gazed up to him grimly. “You don’t know him like I do. You don’t know the black serpent,” she whispered before falling against him again.
Scott held her for a few minutes, smoothing back damp golden locks from her reddened face and hushing her gulping quivers. He scooped her up on her feet and placed her down on the king-sized bed in the bedroom. His heart ached for her, and he wanted to convince her of her innocence but knew the time was not right for her to talk.
After she finally calmed down enough, Lilly looked up at him with a mask of resignation. This was the future she had chosen – one of misery and a private hell. His face dropped and the ache in his chest worsened, as a chill shuddered down his spine when she opened her mouth to speak in a whisper, and requested a drink.
Four years later …
“Then what is the truth about hate?
The truth about hate is love.
Hate is simply love moving in the wrong direction.”
U.S. Anderson
Chapter Fourteen
October 10, 1991
D ear Journal,
For the last four years, Ace and I have learned to live without a mother, and my father without a wife. As the years have passed, so too has it become easier, though not one of those days have passed that I have not missed her. I have grown into a young woman without her. I have looked after and cared for my younger brother as if I were his birth mother, and I know as much as he has loved me over the years, still I remain only his sister. He doesn’t say much about her anymore, but I know in the deepest recesses of my soul, he aches for her every day, more than I ever had. And as my 18th birthday calls upon me tomorrow, as a new phase of my life begins – Adulthood; so too have I decided to be rid of some long held childish habits and dreams... and they are:
After four long years, the woman who gave me this journal with the noblest of intentions to forge a record of my dreams and desires, I leave behind the fiercest of childish dreams; the return of the woman who called herself my mother for 14 years.
I leave behind the grudge I have nursed towards my father for her abandonment. I realise, although he may have played a part in her decision, it was her decision.
I leave behind my childhood dream to go to Disneyland. It never happened.
I leave behind the question my father never answered, even though I asked several times; who on earth is Samantha?
And last but not least, I leave my journal behind. Although the sweet and the sour have been shared, it is time to move on Dear Journal as I become a woman. (Please don’t take it personally; I did so enjoy you!)
I bid farewell to these old dreams as I welcome new much more exciting dreams! And as for my mother, I wish her love and I hope she is happy... but I don’t need you anymore either.
Much love and goodbye,
Millie xo
***
“Oh my God!” Millie squealed as Glen grinned at his daughter’s reaction at the presentation of his gift. “Thank you, Dad!”
She planted a kiss on his cheek and ran towards the 1987 maroon Mitsubishi Magna to check out every nook and cranny of its grey interior. A new car! Woo hoo! She had not, in her wildest dreams ever thought she’d get this for her eighteenth birthday. Now she wouldn’t have to commute to art school in Darlinghurst every day next year. No baby, I shall drive in style! She threw Ace and her father an inquisitive glance as they ducked their heads through the car doors.
“Wanna go for a quick spin?” she said.
She turned on the ignition and listened to the quiet purr of the engine. “I’m going to call her Maggie,” Millie announced as Ace and Glen joined her in the car.
Millie drove them through Rockton, looping around the outskirts of the town and detouring past the bay on their way home. Glen watched the road like a hawk in his seat beside her. Millie noticed his knuckles turning white while he gripped onto the door next to him.
“Relax Dad!” she laughed.
“Watch the road,” he warned, wiping at the nervous beads forming on his brow.
He glanced back at Ace who was also laughing. “What are you laughing at?” he demanded, barely concealing a smile as both children giggled. “Alright, alright,” he muttered, “let’s go home. We have to get ready to go out for your birthday dinner.”
He was really going all out this year. After all, it was her eighteenth birthday. It had taken him some time to save so he could buy her a car, and he knew she would appreciate it. She never asked for much from him, and she had been so much help with Ace since Lilly had gone.
Since his return from the ugly weekend he had spent in Queensland all those years ago, Millie had also unknowingly helped to keep him on track again. It was the grace of his daughter that had kept the black snake tamed; and the thoughts of revenge that had ravished him when Lilly had left, faded into the background. Millie had managed to soothe the dark force within his soul just enough for him to grasp precariously to the lifeline she had thrown him. Months of battling and pacifying the torment inside him followed, for the deadly serpent did not concede easily. After all, Lilly was still out there enjoying the freedom she had so obviously yearned. Yet, he clung to the thread of light he knew still existed within him, pushing aside the unspeakable actions he had already orchestrated.
Glen felt his daughter deserved to be spoiled a little, and tonight he had planned a real treat for her. He was going to take her, Damon and Ace out for a seafood dinner. He knew she enjoyed seafood, and along with her car, he was proud to give this back to her. He fastened his grip on the door handle as she turned a corner a little too fast for his liking.
A few minutes later they were home safe.
“See you soon, Maggie,” Millie gave the car roof an affectionate stroke as she closed the door and locked it.
“Are you driving Maggie to dinner tonight?” Ace asked.
“No,” Millie and Glen chorused.
Millie raised an eyebrow at her father. “Hmm,” she murmured at him, realising the reason for his answer after his tense experience next to her in the car. She flicked her hair at her father with mock indignity as she turned her attention to her 12-year-old brother. “Tonight Ace, I am legal to drink alcohol,” Millie announced with a smile. Then with a grin to her father, “And as such, I shall have a glass of champagne for my birthday. Right Dad?”
Her grin was a little too devilish for Glen, who grunted a reply to her.
Ace skipped up the stairs to the porch, taking two at a time with long strides, and turning to face them when he reached the top. “I can’t wait to eat seafood tonight! Did you guys know that a lobster’s blood is colourless, but when it is exposed to oxygen it turns blue?”
He screwed up his nose as he contemplated what he had just said. “Eww! I think I’ll skip eating lobster tonight!” he said.
Glen and Millie laughed at Ace as they shuffled inside the house.
A little later Millie was dressed and ready, and sat out in the backyard, gently rocking back and forth with Emily on the swing chair her father had acquired from a work mate. They both dragged on a cigarette in silence while they observed the beginnings of a clear spring evening. The sky above was a blanket of deep blue, as it gradually revealed the glistening of the first stars. The only sounds came from the cries of the last birds as they settled down to roost for the night, and the awakening night creatures that dwelled within the trees nearby. Millie thought dusk held a certain magic that inspired the creative side in her. Like the dawn, she had often thought the whispers of the universe could be heard within those quiet hours, if we were inclined to listen. Millie felt an overwhelming feeling of worship spiral through her as she felt the bond of the earth and all of life saddle in close to her. A sense of unity engulfed her, and she basked in appreciation while gazing into the emergent night, sav
ouring these special moments that fell between the ordinary ones every now and then.
Emily’s voice startled her as she broke through her contented emotions. “You look lovely, birthday girl,” Emily said, blowing smoke lazily from ruby lips as they curled into a warm smile.
Millie contemplated her friend’s compliment for a moment. She felt lovely sheathed in a thin flowing floral dress that fell almost to her ankles, under which she wore a fitted white T-shirt with cute short fitted sleeves that hugged her arms. She wore her long hair loose, and silver hooped earrings clung to her ears and around her both wrists.
“Thanks Em, and thank you again for the concert tickets!” Millie embraced Emily, as she recalled the Concert for Life tickets she had received earlier that day. She was looking forward to an INXS concert headlining in March the next year in Sydney’s Centennial Park, along with an array of other Australian talent. She couldn’t wait to tell Damon when he arrived soon.
“You are very welcome, Pussy-cat” Emily grinned. “Steven and I are looking forward to going with you and Damon.” Eyes glazed over as she spoke of the latest boy to hold her interest for a little more than five minutes. “Hmmm,” Emily pondered, “Concert sex!” she laughed.
Emily enjoyed teasing Millie about sex, because her friend was still a virgin, and to her amusement, became uncomfortable about the subject at times.
Millie rolled her eyes and sighed. “Seriously? Is that all you think about, girl?”
She was quite used to Emily’s sexual shenanigans by now, but she just didn’t want to hear about all the details every single time.
“Mmmm … most of the time!” Emily teased. “And you might too if you hurried up with the cherry thing and all!”