Fat Barbarian: A Humorous Fantasy Adventure (Fat Barbarian Saga Book 1)

by Richard Hedley

  Farley rubbed his eyes with his thumb and forefinger. He’d forgotten about the village poet or idiot or whatever he was. He liked it better that way.

  “Martin, see to all the horses,” he said with a strain in his voice. “Take them over to the stable and tell Mr. Leary that the princess and I will be around to fetch them later.”

  Princess Natalie and Isabelle were leaving the school when he arrived. The duke insisted that children attend school until they were at least twelve. It served two functions, one being that education might be important to the future of the kingdom. The second was that kids are useless for farming and such until they were twelve and school kept them out from under their parents feet so they could get on with working.

  “Oh, there you are, Uncle,” Natalie said cheerfully. She gestured to Isabelle, a short, stout mousy looking woman with a loose brown bun on head and glasses on her upturned nose. “You know our hero, Isabelle, don’t you?”

  She gathered the teacher toward her. They spoke amiably as the three started toward the dead dragon and what remained of Castle Farley

  “Now, please tell me what is going on?” Farley demanded.

  “Um, sure, m’lord,” she replied hesitantly. “I got the baron to persuade the dragon to let us build a wooden figure in its honor. See, I’ve been trying to build a trebuchet we could keep in the castle and throw things at invaders if we needed to, but it didn’t work very well.”

  “What—” he interrupted. Why did everyone think he needed to know their life stories? Things to do, castles to rebuild, a large dragon corpse move. He didn’t have time for any of it.

  “Listen to her, Uncle,” Natalie said. She patted him on his shoulder and gestured to Isabelle.

  They noticed Baron Gill was walking toward them at his usual brisk pace.

  “Oh, I bet you’re busy, m’lord. I’ll make this quick,” she continued. “So, we took the catapult and altered it so it would look sort of like a dragon. Then we positioned it so it would smash the dragon’s head when we set it off.”

  Isabelle pointed to the siege engine and the smashed dragon head.

  “Like a mousetrap?”

  “Yes, m’lord. It wasn’t hard.”

  Just then, the baron arrived.

  “Highness, m’lord, Isabelle,” the baron said. He always spoke out of turn, but it never bothered Farley. He always enjoyed the nonsense the man could spew. It wasn’t silly nonsense, it was pure logic, but not always based on the facts. Facts can be fuzzy, except when they aren’t.

  “The thing I’m missing is how you got a siege engine, hidden in a wooden dragon, next to a fire-breathing green dragon and not have beast get suspicious,” the Duke looked at the two of them and smiled at Baron Gill. “I suspect that part was your doing, Baron.”

  “It was easy, Duke,” he replied eagerly. “Dragons are strong, greedy, and vain. I played on its vanity and it let us put the thing beside him, right where he laid his head. I told him it was a tribute to his power and majesty. Then I told him it would be easier for people to speak with him when he desired it, if they were higher and closer to him. I think he was a little deaf. Anyway, we used it to give him some compliments and some tribute, so he liked it immediately. One day, he put his head down and—BOOM. Dead dragon.”

  “Good job,” he said. “Now we just have to clean this mess up and figure out how to keep other dragons away.”

  Boggy Swamp

  It wasn't long before Bardulf entered the Boggy Swamp. To his surprise, Drusilla was there waiting for him. She had that blank expression on her face that Bardulf thought of as 'puppet Drusilla.' Damn shame, using a free spirit like her as a goddamn mouthpiece.

  "Welcome to the Boggy Swamp, Bold Adventurer. To get the treasure you seek, you will need to cross many obstacles: rolling logs, crocodiles, quicksand, and you might need to descend underground. There you will find other perils. Do not fight anything you encounter. You will need to leap over all your obstacles. The black castle is on the other side of the Boggy Swamp."

  He strolled over to the wood nymph and waved his hand in front of her face. She blinked, shook her head as if she were trying to dislodge an ear fungus or something, then looked at the big barbarian and smiled.

  “Why, Bardulf, as I live and breathe! How did—” she stopped and made a face like a toddler eating chocolate covered broccoli. “Goddamn it! Why does that happen? I could just tell you and it would be so much more fun!”

  “I don’t know, Dru,” Bardulf said, his gaze shifting to from the sexy tree-girl to the gate. “But, I’ve got to get my swords back. Maybe along the way I’ll be able to break this curse haunting Kingdom Fosdick.”

  “I’m sure it has something to do with the Sorcerer” she said as she leaned against the gate.

  “Aye,” he said. That was a good barbarian term he didn’t use enough. He was a natural barbarian, but he hadn’t been raised as one. This vexed him, as did thinking words like ‘vexed.’ It was flaccid word. He should be ‘outraged’ or ‘infuriated,’ but his prep school education told him those weren’t appropriate words for the feeling he had, which was more like ‘irritation’ than an inspiration for irrational violence.

  Without another thought, he ran underneath the archway declaring the opening to the Boggy Swamp. After a few steps, he encountered rolling logs. Why the logs were rolling was a mystery for the ages, but Bardulf dutifully leapt over them.

  Before long, he came to a vine swinging over a pool of greenish water. He knew he couldn't leap over it, so he leapt up and grabbed the vine and it carried him across the pool. The Ramekin released the vine and landed with a flourish. As he ran forward, he found that more logs were rolling toward him. He leapt over them with bored ease. Such a poor obstacle wouldn’t even slow down a bard, much less a barbarian, he thought.

  After a dozen meters, he came to another pool. This one had three alligators in it. They opened and shut their jaws in unison as if they were all controlled by an outside force. There was no vine over the top of the pool, so Bardulf paused for a moment to wonder how we could cross.

  He observed the alligators and noticed that they didn't move. They open and shut their powerful jaws in unison at regular intervals. Seeing that there was no way around them, Bardulf decided that the only way to go past this obstacle was to go through it.

  As their jaws snapped shut, he leapt onto the first one’s head, just behind the jawline, expecting the alligator to be pissed off when a barbarian landed on his head, but it didn’t even shift under his weight. Not even the smallest amount. It just opened its jaws and quickly shut them again without disturbing his perch.

  Bardulf leapt to the head of the second alligator. Then when the jaws closed again. He leapt onto the head of the third gator and then leapt onto the ground at the edge of the pool.

  Looking back, he noticed the reptiles continued this weird behavior. He decided it must be a spell cast on the creatures and continued on his way.

  He ran a few dozen meters and leapt over a few more rolling logs before coming to a deep hole with the ladder sticking out of it. Beside it was a sign that read 'Entrance To The Tunnel.'

  The barbarian climbed down the ladder and found a surprisingly well lit tunnel. There was only one way he could go, so he ran that way. After a dozen meters, he encountered a gigantic white scorpion pacing back and forth. For a moment he thought the deadly insect was walking his way, but it turned around suddenly and walked away from him, before turning again and repeating the action.

  He ran at the scorpion when it walked away from him. Just as he was about to collide with it, he launched himself over giant insect and continued running through the tunnel.

  Bardulf ran a bit farther before encountering another ladder and a sign reading 'Exit To The Surface.' Bardulf climbed the ladder and began running again.

  Soon, there was another swinging about what looked like normal ground. The vine moved at regular intervals, like everything else in the Boggy Swamp. Bardulf wondered what kind of
magic was running everything behind the scenes.

  The vine moved back and forth as he pondered whether the danger came from the ground or if the swinging vine was a trap and would turn into a giant snake or something the moment he grabbed it.

  He grabbed a rock and rolled it across the ground beneath the canopy of trees and the swinging vine. The rock stopped midway across the distance the vine traced and disappeared into the ground.

  When the vine came back, Bardulf vaulted up and grabbed it. It hauled him over where the rock had vanished. He looked down to see giant hole open up as he swung over the ground. He decided he was swinging over some kind of ghetto quicksand. The vine paused at the far end of the hole and he let go. He started running, looking a way out and leaping over rolling logs.

  He came to another ladder on the side of a tree. He climbed the ladder to a platform that led to evenly spaced limbs leading to another platform. It seemed almost too simple as he leapt from one limb to the next till he got to the next platform. None of it seemed a worthy challenge for a barbarian, much less the Ramekin.

  There was a rough chest sitting on the platform. He opened the chest, and found the Magic H. It was hard to miss, as it was in a small box with the words ‘Magic H’ written on it. The box contained another icon, this one fashioned into a plain black ‘H.’

  A ladder appeared at the edge of the platform, just below where the magic button had been. Bardulf climbed down the ladder. Before him was a path to the black castle.

  He ran toward down the road, knowing he’d find the black dragon, and hopefully, his swords.

  The Black Castle

  Bardulf arrived at the black castle to find Drusilla waiting for him. She smiled and waved as he ran up.

  "Hello, Bardulf," she purred. "Here is the castle you seek, with the magic H into it, you may leak. Don't be a fart, it's time to start."

  Bardulf stared at her for a moment.

  "Well, Dru, that was awful.”

  "It's not my fault! I can only work with what they give me,” she replied with a shrug. “This time I got to be a little more like myself, though.”

  "I know the feeling, honey." Bardulf looked at the castle wall in front of him and scratched his head. "What am I supposed to do now? How does this Magic H work?"

  “All I know is you're supposed to get into the black castle. Then you can get your swords, subdue the dragon, and get on with your Adventure."

  “I’m supposed to use it to get in the castle,” he repeated, looking at the wall. “What do I do? Use it to chip this giant fucking wall down? Or is it a key to another goddamn magic door? If so, where do I put this thing?”

  "You'll figure it out," Drusilla said with a smile.

  Bardulf gave her a blank stare and turned from her and continued examining the castle wall. There was no visible entryway. The other side of the castle butted up against the Boggy Swamp, causing him to wonder what kept the castle from sinking into the swamp. That, the barbarian decided, must be more damn magic.

  "Maybe I'm making this too hard," Bardulf said. He gave Drusilla a sidelong glance and continued. "The puzzle, not the other thing."

  Drusilla giggled again.

  He took the H and put it on the wall of the castle. At first, Bardulf thought he was seeing things. Shapes came in to view. Soon he could make out the castle’s keep, like it was a projection burning through the wall. After a time, a large hole resolved and made an opening he could walk through, so he did.

  Bardulf turned to see if Drusilla had followed him, but there was nothing but the blank interior wall of the castle. To make things worse, his sword was gone, too. He muttered something about hating magic and turned back to the keep.

  The keep was featureless except for two high windows and battlements on the top. He walked around the building looking for a door. The barbarian paced around the keep looking for a door, but there wasn't one to be found. He took a deep breath and walked around twice more. On the third time around, a door appeared. This made him want to find the queen and the sorcerer even more. It would give him a chance to throat punch a wizard.

  Passing through a door and into the keep, Bardulf heard a slight click come from behind him. He turned and saw that the door had disappeared and was replaced with tapestries. He poked at the cloth and discovered they were hiding a solid wall, not a door. He balled up a fist, holding his fury instead of unleashing it on a solid stone wall and breaking his hand.

  Bardulf stood in the keep and looked at the hallway stretching right and left. Both sides went farther than they should have given the exterior size of the keep. He grunted then stomped down the corridor to his left.

  After making a few turns, he came to another large open room that defied logic. Bardulf allowed himself to be fine with it for that moment. Living in a world with magic meant that you had to accept stupid shit.

  The black dragon was in the center of the room, sleeping on a pile of hay, like a living fire hazard. He could see Aargh and Mace just to his right, leaned against the wall. They were in scabbards, probably to keep them quiet.

  How the dragon got them in the scabbards was a mystery for another time.

  Bardulf reached over and grabbed both of swords in his left hand. He carried them around the corner and held them up to his face.

  "Okay, you two knuckleheads, this is how it's gonna have to be. I can pull you two out of the scabbards, but stay quiet. We've got to sneak out of this castle and get back to Blue Castle. To do that, we have to be real quiet so we don't get killed by this big black dragon." Bardulf looked at them and continued. "Nod your heads or pummels or whatever if you understand."

  Both pummels moved up and down, so Bardulf figured they understood and pulled the scabbards off.

  "It's not so much a dragon, as a large bird," yelled Aargh. "Oops. I thought I was whispering."

  There was a shuffling sound and a brain melting squawk from around the corner.

  “Fuck! Smooth move, dipshit,” Mace yelled.

  Bardulf tore around the corner to see the dragon waking up and it appeared Aargh was right. The beast was less a dragon and more like a raven with a long neck.

  Throwing caution and stealth down the crapper, Bardulf ran back in and hurled himself on to the creature's back. He raised both swords up and smashed their pommels into the bird's head. The beast's head swayed back and forth before collapsing onto its nest. It began to snore slightly. He had expected more of a battle, but was glad for the easy victory.

  "I told you fools to be quiet," Bardulf yelled at the swords.

  "Motherfucker, that was NOT me!" Mace said. "That was that stupid motherfucker, motherfucker."

  "Oh look, there's a way out," Aargh said pointing his pommel to a door that had just opened to the outside.

  Mumbling to himself, Bardulf put the swords on his back and stalked out the door.

  Breakout

  Bardulf looked back. There was no sign of the door the magic H had made. Once again, he was stuck.

  With his free hand Bardulf rubbed the thick black stubble on his head and looked around for a solution. He walked up the wall tapped on it, walked a few feet and repeat the procedure. But he found nothing but a solid wall.

  "All right," he said to the swords as he looked around. "What about you guys? Do your magic sword eyeballs see anything like a door or a way out of this place?"

  "Just your dumb ass walking around like you expect the motherfucker wall to be something other than a motherfucking wall."

  "We don't really have eyeballs, as such. There's a way we can see things, but — "

  "I get it, Aargh," Bardulf growled with mounting vexation. "I'm tired of fucking around with puzzles. We need to get out of this godddamn castle."

  Infuriated, Bardulf reached down and picked up a large round rock and flung it at the wall of the castle. It hit the wall and bounced back toward him. He caught it as it flew to his right.

  Bardulf looked at it and arched his left eyebrow. Stone balls don't bounce, he thought. Godd
amn magic. A magic stone ball might as well bounce. Noticing a rectangular chunk of stone had disappeared from the wall where he’d thrown the rock, he hurled it again.

  He got the same result: a rectangular piece of wall disappeared and the ball flew back to him.

  "It looks like you found a way to breakout of here," Aargh observed.

  Bardulf responded with a noise that sounded half like a chuckle in half like a grunt as he threw the ball at the wall again, aiming for the same area. The ball and edge and bounced back at a radical angle, flying out of the barbarian's reach. It disappeared as it passed him.

  He cursed stupid shit-knuckled magic and looked around for another ball. There was one right by his foot. It wasn’t there a second ago. He picked it up and threw it at the wall, being careful to not hit the edge again. Bardulf kept this up until he had knocked a hole in the wall. He wound up for another throw and let the ball fly. It missed its mark and flew out the hole.

  Bardulf let another string of curses. He grabbed the ball that appeared at his feet.

  "Sometimes I feel like these fuckers are playing a game with me."

  "Oh my," Mace said. “Look who's motherfucking brain just came online. And remember the Rule of Threes, bitch. This is your last ball.“

  “The Rule of Three?” he asked.

  “Yes,” replied Aargh. “Everything is governed by the Rule of Three. Three chances to do things before you can’t try again. Here that means you only get three balls to breakout a hole in the wall.”

  “And if I don’t get out on this ball?”

  “Then you need to climb your stupid ass to the top of the tower and jump off so you can die,” said Mace.

  “If I could climb to the top of the tower, I would climb out of here,” the barbarian replied. “Any more helpful hints, asshole?”