by Jill Kemerer
His neck grew warm. It was good and all to listen to Nicole talk about her husband, but he didn’t think it would be wise to share his past with her. What if she agreed with his exes?
Shouldn’t he at least give her the benefit of the doubt?
“I’m not much of a talker.” He clenched and unclenched his jaw. “Not open with my feelings.”
“I imagine the right woman would be able to read between the lines.” Understanding shimmered in her eyes. “Not all of us want every minute to be filled with conversation.”
Her words gave him hope, and with the way her eyes were dancing, he’d like nothing more than to round the table and stare down into them. Take her in his arms and touch her golden hair. Let her read between the lines by kissing her—showing her how deep his feelings went.
“Aaron talked all the time.” A wistful smile lifted her lips. “I was out of the house by the time he woke, but as soon as he got home, he’d tell me all about his day and the people he worked with and the projects he wanted and the promotion he hoped to get. Talk, talk, talk. I didn’t mind. I liked hearing about his day.”
Great. Another reminder he was nothing like her husband.
“But he never asked about mine,” she said so quietly he almost missed it. She picked up another wall. “That’s one of the things I like about you. You care about what other people are doing. You’re comfortable enough in your own skin to not fill every minute with words.”
Every syllable broke down the barriers around his heart.
She seemed to admire the very thing that drove women away from him.
In that moment, he realized he loved her.
He loved Nicole Taylor.
Grinding his teeth together, he tried to get a grip on the topsy-turvy feeling in his heart.
He’d been given a precious gift. The gift of being accepted unconditionally.
Unfortunately, acceptance from Nicole would never be enough.
He loved her. And he’d always want her to love him back.
* * *
Why was Judd so quiet all of a sudden? She hoped he didn’t think less of her for telling the truth about Aaron.
Well, if he did, she couldn’t help it. Talking candidly with him had been exactly what she needed. After the awkward weekend with her in-laws, she’d fretted about the things she’d said to them, too. Had she defended Judd too much? Had they read into it and seen the truth? That she really cared about this guy?
It was wrong—so wrong—to have these feelings. But how could she not be drawn to the man?
His quiet strength had gotten her through many social functions she hadn’t wanted to attend this year. She’d only gone to them because her mom had forced her to and because she was afraid of falling into a depression she’d never be able to climb out of. But she’d also known she could sit with Judd. He made no demands from her. Just welcomed her. What a gift.
On top of that, he’d offered her this cabin. Refused to accept rent. And moments ago, he’d told her she had a talent for baking and that she shouldn’t waste her gifts.
He was so beyond her definition of the perfect guy it wasn’t even funny.
The thing about Judd? He always acted as if she impressed him.
She’d never—ever—impressed anyone besides her old boss.
Not Aaron. Not her mother.
No one.
That was why she needed to be careful about his feelings. He was private. A loner. Not interested in marriage.
“I hate to bring this up,” she said. “But I think people are talking about us around town.”
“Talking about us. What do you mean?” His face held a tinge of green. Exactly as she’d feared. He must hate the idea of people mentally pairing them together.
The way he’d been looking at her and the things they’d been sharing tonight had sprinkled hope inside her that he might feel more for her, too.
Apparently not.
“My in-laws are concerned. Their friends said something to them.”
“They have nothing to be concerned about,” he snapped. “People are always sticking their noses in things they shouldn’t.”
“I told them you were honorable and kind and they shouldn’t jump to conclusions.” She kept her attention on the royal icing, her heart sinking at his reaction. Was he disgusted at the thought of people linking them romantically?
“I’m sorry, Nicole.” His cheeks puffed as he exhaled. “I should have known people would talk. It’s not fair to you.”
“I don’t care. Let them talk.” She attached another piece, holding it until she was sure it would stand on its own. “We haven’t done anything wrong.”
But could she truly say that? Her feelings toward Judd might not be wrong, but they didn’t seem right, either.
“I don’t have to drive you to church anymore.” He didn’t sound happy, and two lines grooved in his forehead.
“I like going to church together.” She didn’t want to drive separately. “I mean, I can handle driving the triplets and all, but it seems like a waste of gas for us to take two vehicles.”
“It is a waste.”
“I’m not worried about a little gossip. I’ve got enough to deal with trying to take care of these babies every day.” As if to punctuate the thought, Amelia let out a few whimpers.
“Exactly.”
“Don’t get me wrong—I’m not complaining,” she added quickly. “I can handle them. In fact, Sherry and Lance kind of made me mad this weekend by suggesting otherwise.”
“What do you mean?” He’d moved around the table and bent to give Amelia her pacifier. When he rose, he stood mere inches from Nicole.
He smelled spicy and woodsy. Her nerves were ping-ponging all over the place.
She should shift to give him more room.
But she didn’t.
She supposed flippy nerves were a welcome change from the grief, depression and exhaustion she’d dealt with for so long. In fact, standing next to Judd Wilson brought all the good feels her life had been missing.
“My in-laws want me to move to Oklahoma.” The words flew out. “To live in their basement. Apparently, they’re worried about me out here on the ranch, and they think everyone will get tired of helping me out. I told them I was fine, and if anything happened, I could call you, but they weren’t convinced.”
“You can call me. Anytime. I’ll be here.” The low words fired warmth in her core. “And everyone wants to help you out.”
“I know.” She could barely think straight with him so close. “They weren’t real happy about it, of course, but their hearts were in the right place. It was kind of them to offer.”
“So you’re not going?”
“No.” His blue eyes drew her in, making her pulse beat faster. “My life is finally starting to make sense here.”
“Good. I...” He hesitated, running his fingers through his hair. “I want you to do whatever’s best for you.”
His words deflated some of her nervous energy. “Well, living in their basement would not be what’s best for me. Once again, I’d be sharing a room with three babies. And I can’t imagine not having my own kitchen again. Baking has given me a piece of myself back. I probably sound ungrateful.”
“You don’t.”
The bag of icing dropped out of her hand. They both reached down to pick it up.
As she rose, she couldn’t drag her eyes away from his mouth. She was acutely aware of his gaze falling to her lips. Of her foot taking a step closer to him. Of his sharp intake of breath.
Of his big, strong hands gently clasping her waist.
Of her own hands tentatively reaching up behind his neck, touching his soft dark hair.
Then his lips pressed against hers, and the sensation was all new.
Just like the man himself, his kiss was gentle, firm and generous.
Too soon, he ended the kiss. Excitement and a hint of fear lingered in his eyes. Then he took two steps backward, almost tripping over a bouncy seat. His face grew red.
“I’m sorry, Nicole. I don’t know what came over me.” With a few long strides, he grabbed his coat and fled out the door.
At the click of it shutting, reality fell like concrete blocks on her shoulders.
One year ago, she’d been pleading with God for Aaron’s life.
And tonight, she’d kissed another man and liked it.
More than liked it.
She wanted more.
She’d never been kissed like that.
Maybe she was just like her mother after all.
Chapter Twelve
Of all the stupid things he could have done, kissing Nicole topped the list. Judd braced himself against the stinging snow as he rode out to check cows the following afternoon. Not wanting Aunt Gretchen to see the gingerbread house when she came to help out with the babies, he’d gone to Nicole’s first thing this morning, mumbled hello, avoided looking her in the eye and carefully balanced the house all the way to his truck. He’d managed to carry it into his kitchen without incident. Shocking, considering how shaky his hands had been.
He’d have to apologize tonight at supper. Losing Nicole’s friendship wasn’t a scenario he cared to contemplate.
He needed her too much.
Up ahead, two black cows huddled together. Every now and then, they’d lower their necks and chomp on the weeds and grass. They barely noticed as he pulled up alongside them. Seeing nothing out of the ordinary, he pressed forward.
His cell phone rang. He tugged it out of his coat pocket. Aunt Gretchen. Was something wrong? She never called at this time. Taking off his leather glove, he swiped the phone.
“What’s going on?” he asked.
“Sorry to bother you, Judd, but I need a favor. I asked Nicole to come to our Christmas dinner. I don’t think she has plans, but she didn’t accept my invitation, either. I don’t want her to be alone on Christmas. I was wondering if you’d invite her, too.”
After kissing Nicole, he wouldn’t mind spending every holiday, evening, morning and in between with her, but he wasn’t telling Aunt Gretch any of that.
“It’s going to be a hard day for her,” he said. The cold almost made him lose his grip on the phone. “She might not want to be around anyone. The first anniversary of her husband’s death won’t be easy.”
“Which is precisely why I want her to come over. She needs support. Her mother won’t be around, and I doubt Stella will come home, either.”
He didn’t want Nicole thinking he was pressuring her on account of their kiss. She had too much stress in her life to think about dating. And it was probably too soon after losing her husband, anyhow. If he asked her to join him at Aunt Gretchen’s for Christmas, she might read more into it than she should.
“Judd? Are you there?”
“Yes.”
“Will you ask her? For me?”
He’d never been able to tell his aunt no, but asking Nicole was sure to be awkward. He let out a heavy sigh. “Yes.”
“Thank you! I’ll let you go. Oh, Stu is picking me up on Thursday for the Christmas Eve service. We’ll save you a spot.”
He said goodbye and hung up, resuming his inspection of the cattle. Since when did Aunt Gretchen sit with Stu Miller on Christmas Eve?
He supposed it was time to accept the fact she’d found someone who made her happy. Stu doted on her. It kind of stank that Judd’s seventy-year-old aunt had a better dating life than he did.
Dallas approached on horseback. “They all checked out.”
“Good. Let’s head back.” The wind had calmed down and, as they made their way across the plain, the snow subsided, making it more pleasant to ride. The quiet of winter cleared his head. All the reasons he shouldn’t be with Nicole rushed into his mind.
He was too quiet.
But...she’d told him she liked being with him because he didn’t fill every minute with words.
Well, then there was the fact she was a grieving widow.
But...she seemed to be moving forward, and her marriage hadn’t been perfect the way he’d thought.
She had three babies.
But...he loved all three of those babies, and she seemed to appreciate his help with them.
There was no denying he was too old for her.
But... Nicole teased him about it, but she was just being nice.
He was too old for her, wasn’t he?
“How old is too old to date someone?” Judd glanced over at Dallas.
“What do you mean?” The cowboy looked confused. “Are we talking about old people? Or teenagers?”
“Like me.” He barely choked out the words.
“Yeah, you’ve got one foot in the grave, old man.” Dallas grinned.
“I’m being serious.” He should have known Dallas would take it the wrong way. This was why he didn’t ask for advice.
“Depends on who it is.” Dallas shrugged. “Yes, you’re too old to date a sophomore in high school. No, you’re not too old to date a grown woman.”
“I would never even look at a high school girl.”
“I know.” He laughed. “That’s why it’s fun to say it. Who do you have your eye on? Misty? Eden? The new receptionist at the inn?”
“No one.” Only the most beautiful woman with long blond hair and sage-green eyes who baked the most delicious concoctions and was the sweetest mother he’d ever known.
“It’s got to be someone I know,” Dallas said.
“Forget I said anything.”
“It can’t be Nicole.”
Terrific, even Dallas knew Nicole was off-limits. Why couldn’t Judd’s heart take the hint?
“I mean, she’s hot and all, but three kids? Ick. No guy wants to take on three babies.” Dallas grimaced.
Judd was taken aback. Although the air was frigid, his body grew toasty warm. Dallas had discounted Nicole on account of the triplets. Not because of Judd’s age.
“Thanks, Dallas.” He felt positively cheerful.
“For what?”
“For being you.”
Judd rode taller in the saddle. Maybe he didn’t need to apologize to Nicole for kissing her. He was a grown man. She was a mature woman. They were both single. They were comfortable in each other’s company.
He would invite her to Aunt Gretchen’s Christmas dinner. Whether she accepted or not wasn’t up to him.
And it was high time he bought presents for her and the babies.
The perfect Christmas gift for Nicole came to mind. He’d go into town tomorrow. She was going to love it.
And if everyone talked after he gave it to her, so be it.
* * *
Nicole propped Henry on her hip and attempted to finish making mint-green Christmas trees out of gum paste to decorate the yard. Judd would be back with the gingerbread house any minute. She tried to keep her focus on what still needed to be done, but her mind kept going back to his kiss last night.
It had felt so right.
And it had been so wrong.
Earlier, Gretchen had invited her to join them at Christmas dinner. Nicole had declined. She’d jumped into feelings too soon. One year wasn’t long enough. She’d been wrong to encourage Judd and send him mixed signals. From now on, she was going to be the tenant she should have been all along. Friendly. With boundaries.
The envelope next to her stack of mail drew her gaze. She’d saved all the money she’d earned from the holiday bakin
g. Just thinking about the small sum filled her with courage. It wasn’t much, but she’d earned every penny.
Henry reached out to touch one of the trees, and she gently pulled his chubby fingers back. “Uh-uh, these aren’t for you, Mr. Monkey.” He let out a frustrated squawk, and she knew how he felt.
She’d never get the decorations finished at this rate. She still needed to attach the top roof and put all the disc candies on it for shingles.
Part of her wanted the decorating to last. And part of her wanted to wrap it up as soon as possible. Spending less time with Judd was going to take some getting used to. Every hour together only drew her closer to him.
It wasn’t fair to either of them.
She didn’t know if what she felt was real or a natural effect of being lonely. Her lack of experience with the opposite sex didn’t help matters.
All she knew was a year wasn’t enough to get over her best friend. It was one thing to move forward by not thinking about Aaron constantly, and it was an entirely other thing to give her heart to another man.
For the first time, she sympathized with her mom. She’d never truly understood how her mother could flip from normal to giddy-schoolgirl-with-a-crush in three seconds flat.
Maybe she’d been too hard on Mom over the years.
I don’t have to be like her. I have choices. And the wise choice is to freeze these feelings for Judd.
Two knocks on the door almost made her jump.
“It’s unlocked. Come in,” she called. Her heartbeat pounded out pa rum pum pum pum as Judd entered.
“Can you hold the door open for me?” he asked. “I’ll bring the house back inside.”
“Sure.” She hustled over to the door, shielding Henry from the blast of cold, as Judd hauled the gingerbread house inside and onto the table.
Amelia made cooing noises as soon as she heard Judd’s voice. He hung up his coat and rubbed his palms together before making his way over to her. Then he crouched in front of the seat. She kicked her pajama-covered legs in delight. The sight caused the bottom of Nicole’s heart to fall out. This man was so good with her babies. He was good to her, too.