by Jill Kemerer
* * *
“I don’t know how you do it, Nicole.” Sherry sat on Nicole’s couch next to a laundry basket of freshly laundered baby clothes after church the next morning. She held up a sleeper with little basketballs all over it. “Getting the babies in and out of the church was a lot of work.”
“It is, but I’ve got a system.” Nicole reclined back in her favorite chair as she fed Amelia. Eli and Henry had already eaten, and Sherry had helped her put the boys down for a nap. Lance had noticed one of the strands of lights on the new tree had gone out, so he was fiddling with the bulbs and muttering about how nothing was made the way it used to be.
“Everyone certainly is helpful. I’ll give you that.” Stacks of clean folded baby clothes grew next to Sherry on the couch. “When the triplets get a little older, though, you won’t have as much help.”
“Why not?”
“You don’t expect the ladies to come over in the mornings or hold a baby on their lap during church forever, do you?”
“Well, no, but...” Nicole hadn’t thought too far into the future. She supposed the church ladies would stop coming over once the triplets were older. But how old? When they were walking? Sooner? Their first birthday was next summer. How would Nicole manage three toddlers on her own then?
“Lance and I have been talking.” Sherry peeked at Lance. He’d found the faulty bulb. The tree now twinkled with various-colored lights. He wiped off his thighs and came over to stand next to his wife. She set a tiny pair of pink stretchy pants to the side and took her husband’s hand in hers. “We think you should consider moving down to Oklahoma with us.”
Oklahoma? Nicole flinched. Why? Did they have a problem with the way she was raising the babies?
“Our basement’s finished. The grandkids love playing down there.” Lance smiled kindly. “There’s a bedroom and bathroom. You’d have your own space.”
Her own space? Her head was spinning. They didn’t get it. Living in their basement was not having her own space.
She needed a kitchen.
She needed to bake.
Flashes of living with Mom and Stella made her stomach constrict. Being crammed into one bedroom with three babies and all their stuff had worn on her soul. Tiptoeing around a house that wasn’t hers to avoid waking anyone and being bombarded with advice she didn’t want or need had drained her.
She’d felt helpless.
Trapped.
“That’s very kind of you.” Her chest was so tight she could barely breathe. “I’m doing really well here, though.”
“We would have offered sooner.” Sherry studied the floor. “But we could tell you were set on moving in with your mother. It was a relief knowing she’d be helping you with the babies. But she’s not around anymore, and it’s not right that you have to rely on strangers to get by.”
“They’re retired women who dote on the triplets. They’ve all told me time and again how nice it is to spend time with the babies after years of not having any to hold.”
“Oh, I’m sure they’re all wonderful.” Sherry snatched another onesie and folded it with military precision. “What if you get sick, though? Hurt? You’re out here in the middle of nowhere with triplets. I’d feel much better if you were staying with us.”
Nicole had worried about those things, too, but with Judd coming over on weeknights, she didn’t fret about it anymore.
“Judd—” She almost told them he came over most weekdays. Saying it out loud would open herself up to their judgment, though, and they clearly hadn’t been keen on the Judd subject yesterday. “Judd’s right down the lane if I need anything. I can call him.”
Amelia had fallen asleep in Nicole’s arms and, needing a reprieve from the oppressive energy in the room, she took her down the hall and set her in the crib. Nicole could hear Lance and Sherry’s hushed conversation, but she tuned it out.
She didn’t want to move to Oklahoma. Couldn’t imagine living in their basement.
This cabin, the churchwomen, Judd and her fledgling business had given her freedom. And, sure, relying on other people’s generosity meant she wasn’t standing on her own two feet, but in time she would be.
Living in Rendezvous was allowing her to build a foundation for a new life. One she wanted. One she could be proud of.
Lord, I feel prickly right now, and I don’t want to go out there and offend Aaron’s parents. I know they’re struggling with the loss of their son. And I know they mean well. They truly want to help. But I can’t do it. If I move in with them, I’ll have no freedom, no privacy and no means of supporting myself. How do I let them down easily?
She cast one more look over the babies—they were all sleeping soundly—and returned to the living room.
“You don’t have to make a decision today.” Lance held up his hands. “Just think about it. And be practical. You’re not working, and you wouldn’t have to pay rent if you moved in with us. The life insurance policy will stretch further in Oklahoma.”
The rent. Of course. They worried about her finances. Nicole decided to be honest with them.
“I worked out a barter arrangement with Judd about the rent.” She was tired of hiding something that didn’t need to be hidden. “I cook him supper four nights a week.”
“I see.” Sherry brushed nonexistent lint off her slacks.
Based on her mother-in-law’s tone, Nicole doubted it.
“You told me you were concerned with how fast everything happened with your mom and her new boyfriend.” Sherry’s gaze felt like a laser beam. “And now they’re living together far away. We don’t want your circumstances to force you to follow in her footsteps.”
Nicole’s heart sliced open.
How could Sherry suggest such a thing?
Didn’t they believe in her at all?
If a time portal could open up right here, right now, she would be forever grateful. Because standing in front of her former in-laws as they tried to convince her she was desperate and destined to become like her mother was certainly a new low point in her life.
“I would never be like my mother,” she said quietly. Her mom’s choices had affected her, mainly by convincing her she wouldn’t settle for anything less than marriage. “I can only assume you’re worried about my friendship with Judd, but you’ve never even met him and already assume the worst. He’s a good man. A quiet rancher. He’s God-fearing and generous. He’s not preying on widows or whatever you’re thinking. We’re friends and have been ever since I moved back. He’s also nothing like the men my mom, bless her heart, attracts. So feel free to think whatever you want about me but don’t think poorly of him.”
Lance looked taken aback, and Sherry paled.
“For the record, I am thankful for your offer,” Nicole said. “I know you want what’s best for me and the triplets. I know you want to spend time with your grandchildren. It’s very generous of you to offer me a place in your home. I want you to be part of the babies’ lives. But I’m not moving anywhere.” She tried to find the words to make them understand, but she wasn’t sure she understood it herself. “This year...it’s brought so many changes. I can’t handle another change right now. I’m settled here. I’m getting my life together.”
Sherry came over to her and took her hands in hers. “I’m sorry. I should have thought about my words more carefully before speaking them.”
“I’m sorry, too.” Lance joined them and slung his arm over Sherry’s shoulders. “We’re far away and don’t always know what’s going on. We shouldn’t have assumed...”
“It’s okay.” Nicole tried to reassure them. “I understand. This is hard on all of us. You both have been so good to me my entire life. I...well... We’ll get through this.”
“Our offer still stands,” Lance said. “If this arrangement in Rendezvous isn’t working or you find you need more help, we’d love for you to come down. We
’ll always have a place for you.”
“Thank you.” She hugged him. “From the minute Aaron and I became friends all those years ago, you gave me much-needed stability. I love you both.”
“We love you, too,” they said in unison. They looked at each other and laughed.
“How about another slice of the carrot cake you made?” Lance said. “It sure hit the spot yesterday.”
“Coming right up. Why don’t you two find a Christmas movie for us?” Nicole went to the kitchen. She’d meant every word she’d said to them, but their judgment lingered. Why had they gotten a bad impression of her?
Their lack of faith in her hurt.
Nicole uncovered the two-tiered carrot cake with cream cheese frosting and cut three slices. The only things she’d done with Judd were sit in the same pew at church and walk around Christmas Fest. How anyone could assume the worst based on that was beyond her.
She’d tried so hard her entire life to be the exact opposite of her mom and sister. Clearly, it had been a waste of time. If only people could see she wasn’t like them.
She and Judd were friends only. No one needed to know her feelings for him weren’t purely platonic. But...if people around town were gossiping about them...
What if Judd had picked up on her attraction?
It would make him uncomfortable, and she couldn’t bear the thought.
She’d better stop giving him mixed signals, or they’d both get hurt.
Chapter Eleven
It had been a never-ending Monday on the ranch. As Judd had dealt with the broken fence a bull had destroyed, all he had been able to think about was how much he looked forward to coming over here. Three days without seeing Nicole or the triplets had felt like a lifetime. And now the reason for him to linger after supper was reaching its conclusion.
His aunt’s gift was almost complete.
He and Nicole had finished eating a little while ago. Since then, he’d helped her get some of the walls assembled on the wooden base Stu had made. It was covered with parchment paper on the dining table. At this rate, they’d have most of the house together tonight.
“Hold these pieces steady while I attach the back.” Nicole pointed to the three walls still standing upright.
Judd held them as Nicole piped royal icing around the edges of the gingerbread wall and stuck it into a thick band of icing she’d created to keep it in place. “I don’t trust this will stay up. I’m going to grab a few glass jars. I’ll be right back.”
She disappeared into the kitchen while he kept the walls steady.
“How did the visit with your in-laws go?” he asked when she came back.
She kept her attention on placing the jars on either side of the wall so it wouldn’t move. “It was okay.”
Hmm... She was about as talkative as him. Unusual for her.
“How was your weekend?” she asked. “What did you end up doing?”
It had been an odd weekend for him. After hanging out with his aunt and Stu, he’d driven around, contemplating his future. The optimistic, unrealistic part of him could picture Nicole and the triplets here on the ranch forever.
But that wasn’t going to happen.
So he’d driven past wide-open land and kept coming back to his conversation with Cash. Yesterday afternoon, he’d talked to Cash. Their chat had given him some clarity. Naming him as a beneficiary wasn’t an ideal solution, but at least it was better than nothing.
“I paid Cash McCoy a visit yesterday.” Judd had asked him if he’d ever considered owning a ranch other than the McCoys’. Cash grew serious, and a light had flashed in his eyes only to dim.
He’d said, “I was born to do this—take care of a herd, watch over the land. The McCoy property is in my blood. I hate what my brother is doing to it. Dad won’t listen. We can’t afford to keep paying off Chris’s stupid debts. So yeah, if I had the opportunity to be the sole owner of another ranch, I’d take it. And I wouldn’t waste it, either.”
Judd knew sincerity when he heard it. And Cash had been sincere.
“Cash, huh?” Nicole bent to put a little more icing on a wall. “Are you close with him?”
“No.” He shook his head. “I wouldn’t say that. But their property isn’t far from mine, and I wanted to discuss a few things.”
“Like what?” Setting the bag of icing on the table, she selected the next section of gingerbread to attach.
“Like how he’d feel about running a ranch not owned by his family.”
“That’s a big question.” She peered at him as she selected a small rectangle. “Why did you want to know?”
“I’m looking ahead. Planning my future.” He enjoyed the way her mouth opened slightly as she lined icing on the top of the porch walls and stuck a small roof piece above them. “I have a few options now.”
Two options, to be exact. One was what everyone kept telling him to do. Get married. Have kids. But he didn’t see it happening. Just because he and Nicole got along okay making a gingerbread house didn’t mean he could read more into it. Even if she hadn’t lost her husband a year ago, she wouldn’t seriously consider a future with Judd.
I’m too quiet. Too old. Too reserved. Too...
Women didn’t want to spend forever with a guy like him.
“I’m assuming you’re talking about your will. What are the options?” Nicole craned her neck to the side to check on the babies. They were making happy little noises in their bouncy seats. Every time Judd looked their way, something poked at his heart.
He wished things were different—wished he was different—so he could take everyone’s advice and get married and have kids. Three for starters.
Was it so crazy?
“Everyone seems to think I should get married.” He watched her closely, looking for the slightest indication she had feelings for him.
“What do you tell them?” She didn’t bother looking up. The porch roof took all of her concentration.
“Nothing.”
“You could, you know.” She stared at him, and he spiraled into her green eyes.
He held his breath, wanting her to give him a sign, not knowing what it might be. His gaze had fallen to her pale pink lips, and he couldn’t look away.
“What’s the other option?” she asked.
Other option? What was she talking about?
Estate planning.
Right.
“I haven’t made any decisions, but I think Cash would take care of the cattle and land the way I do.”
“I didn’t think you even liked him much.”
“Usually, he’s too slick.”
“Yet you’d leave all of this to him?” She finished attaching the roof and stepped back, watching him.
“I don’t know. The slick thing—I think it’s an act. When it comes down to it, he’s a rancher through and through.”
Tilting her head, she studied the gingerbread house, then him.
“Why don’t you want to get married, Judd?”
He froze, the delicate timbre of her voice echoing in his ears. He did want to get married. But he’d been rejected his whole life. He didn’t have what it took to make a woman happy. His own parents didn’t want to be around him. He couldn’t bear to think he’d make Nicole miserable.
“I have nothing against marriage,” he said gruffly. “If I found someone who accepted me the way I am, I might consider it.”
Her face fell. Had he said the wrong thing? Probably.
“I know what you mean.” She had a faraway look in her eyes. “I was friends with Aaron for so long—my entire life, really—before we got married. And we married young. I’m talking young.” She arched her eyebrows. “After he was diagnosed with Becker muscular dystrophy, we both had this urgency to make the most of every minute together.”
Judd hung on every word, although they
soured in his stomach. How could he be falling for this woman, knowing she’d had the love of her life and lost him only a year ago? What kind of fool was he?
“The first couple of years were exciting. Aaron was going to college, and I got a job at the bakery. We had a tiny apartment off campus, and his health was the best it had been since before high school. We both believed he’d live to middle age and beyond. I learned so much at the bakery. I loved my job, even though it didn’t pay well. After he graduated, he got hired on full-time with a company he’d interned for. I thought we’d start enjoying ourselves—going on all the dates we’d skipped because we didn’t have the time or the money.”
Her eyes clouded as if she was seeing her past.
“But instead of growing closer, we’d been slowly growing apart. I thought it was fixable. I thought having children would unite us.”
“They would have.” He tried to reassure her. “Look at these three. Your husband would have loved them.”
Her throat worked as she nodded. “He would have loved them. I know that’s true. But our marriage? I’m not trying to knock Aaron, but his college experience shifted the way he looked at me. He respected the intelligent, ambitious women he worked with. He’d hint that I should go to college. He didn’t understand why I was content working at a bakery. I wasn’t good enough for him anymore.”
A rush of protectiveness brought with it a few choice words for her husband. Wanting to tell off a dead guy who couldn’t defend himself? Ridiculous.
“People are stupid sometimes.” His voice was gruff. “You have a talent for baking, and you should never waste the gifts God gave you.”
A smile spread across her face, lighting her eyes. “That’s one of the nicest things anyone’s ever said to me. Thank you.”
“Yeah, well, I mean it.” Her joyful face was giving him visions of roses and first dates. He needed to get his thoughts back to neutral. “I wouldn’t change a thing about you.”
Her cheeks flushed as she looked away. “Why do you think a woman wouldn’t accept you?”