The Cowboy's Christmas Blessings

by Jill Kemerer

  Part of him knew it was always going to end like this. He’d just assumed he’d be the reason it ended. He’d never thought a dead man would be to blame.

  Time slipped away as they sat there until a whimper from the babies’ room caught his attention. He glanced down at Nicole, surprised to see she’d fallen asleep. Carefully, he shifted her to lie on the couch with a throw pillow under her head. Then he wriggled to stand. He covered her with a blanket and went to check on the babies.

  Amelia grabbed her feet and smiled when he stood over her crib.

  “Hey there, little lady.” He picked her up, cradling her to his chest and kissing her forehead. “You look like you’re raring to go.”

  He continued talking to her as he changed her diaper. The boys began to wake up. One by one, he changed them, too, then took each out and settled them in their bouncy seats in the living room. Nicole was sleeping on the couch.

  The babies seemed fussy, so he warmed up three bottles he found in the fridge. Sitting on the floor, he fed the boys the way he’d seen Nicole do it.

  The afternoon passed and the sky grew dark outside the windows. He took care of the babies until Nicole stirred. She pressed her palm to the side of her head as she sat up. Then she squinted as she took in Judd with the babies.

  “What are you doing here? What time is it?”

  “I’m just leaving. It’s about five thirty.” He crossed the room, pulled his jacket from the hook on the wall and shoved his arms into it. Grabbed the box with the blanket she’d given him. Left the envelope with the rent on the coffee table. “They’ve all been fed and changed.”

  He firmed his shoulders and strode to the front door. She didn’t want him around anymore. He’d respect her wishes.

  But before he left, he turned back to her. “If you need anything... Well, I’m probably the last person you’d call, so it doesn’t matter.” Her lips parted as his words hit home. “Merry Christmas, Nicole. I won’t bother you again.”

  He slipped outside, closing the door behind him. He tucked the box under his armpit and headed down the lane home. Snowflakes were falling. The big fat ones. His favorite kind. He pulled his jacket closer to his body as the cold seeped in.

  Halfway home, his steps faltered. The night was cold. But his heart was colder. He doubted it would ever thaw out again.

  Chapter Fourteen

  How had her life gone so wrong?

  As Christmas Eve ticked away, Nicole flipped through the channels. She sat on the floor with the babies snuggled up on the quilted mat next to her. She’d skipped supper. She’d missed church. Ever since Judd left, she’d been in a daze.

  A commercial with a soldier on the doorstep and a woman crying came on. Flip. People laughing at a holiday party. Flip. A horror movie. Why would a horror movie be playing on Christmas Eve? She turned the television off.

  Her life had become a horror movie in the span of a few hours. Yes, she was being dramatic, but really, what was there to look forward to anymore?

  She’d hurt Judd terribly.

  She’d fallen apart over Aaron’s death.

  She’d passed out while Judd took care of the babies. Her babies. After she’d treated him so poorly. It was a wonder he hadn’t sprinted out of here as soon as she’d given him the envelope with the rent money.

  Her gaze fell to the coffee table, where the envelope taunted her. She didn’t have the energy to see if he’d taken the box of cupcakes she’d made him. At least the wool blanket she’d given him was gone.

  He’d probably tossed it in the trash. Along with what was left of her heart.

  Her eyes welled with tears, and her lips wobbled as she regarded the babies.

  Henry yawned. His lips smacked as he cuddled closer to her. Eli was almost asleep next to him. Amelia’s mouth had formed an O, her little arms up by her ears as she slept.

  “I’ll get you to bed, dear ones.”

  She stood and carried each baby to their cribs. After blowing them a kiss from the doorway, she went back to the living room and curled up on the couch.

  Now what? Christmas Eve had been a disaster. Judd was never going to speak to her again. Tomorrow was the anniversary of the worst day of her life. And to top it all off, she was alone.

  Maybe she should move to Oklahoma. The triplets would be with their grandparents. She’d have lots of help. She wouldn’t have to worry about developing inappropriate feelings for anyone.

  It had been stupid to ask Judd if she could live in this cabin. Even then she’d been drawn to him. Even then she’d known she was attracted to him.

  And she’d done it anyway.

  Like mother, like daughter.

  Closing her eyes, she shook her head and prayed. God, I’m sorry. I’m an awful person. I’m no better than my mom. I don’t know how to fix this. I don’t know what I’m doing.

  Guilt spun like a tornado in her core. I’m a judgy daughter. A terrible daughter-in-law. A selfish friend.

  A knock on the door interrupted her thoughts.

  Her heart flooded with hope. Could it be Judd?

  She scampered to her feet and opened the door. Eden stood on her porch.

  “I didn’t see you at church and I texted a few times. When I didn’t hear from you, I got worried. I hope it’s okay I stopped by.”

  “Oh, Eden.” Nicole pulled her inside. “You have no idea how much I needed you. I’ve made a mess of everything...”

  “Go. Change into your pajamas. I’m making us some decaf.” Eden shooed her down the hall.

  With shaking hands, Nicole changed into fuzzy pj’s. Thank You, God, for sending Eden. Her presence was like the glow of a lamp in a dark cave.

  “Is it okay if we have some of this pie?” Eden called.

  “Yes.” She hurried down the hallway and to the kitchen. Eden had two slices of pumpkin pie topped with mounds of whipped cream in her hands.

  “Come on. We’ll eat in the living room.” Eden tilted her head for Nicole to join her.

  “I’ll bring the coffee.” The coffee maker’s grumble told Nicole it was almost ready. She pulled two mugs out of the cupboard and poured flavored cream into them before filling them with coffee. Then she brought the mugs to the living room and set one in front of Eden and kept the other in her hands as she settled on the couch.

  “Rough day, huh?” Eden’s eyes glistened with sympathy.

  “Yeah.” Great, she was getting choked up. Again. “It’s been awful.”

  “I can imagine. A lot of bad memories from last year to deal with.”

  “Too many.” She sipped her coffee. All the guilt on her chest made it hard to breathe. She desperately needed to get some of it off before it consumed her. “I’m dealing with a lot of new stuff this year, too. The memories...they were the tippy top of a really lousy day.”

  “What’s going on?” Eden took a bite of the pie. “Mmm...this is so good.”

  “I thought I was doing okay. I mean, all year I’ve dealt with losing Aaron. I went to a grief counselor. She helped me understand things about my marriage that allowed me to move forward.”

  “I know.” She nodded reassuringly.

  “I was doing better. I mean, I finally feel like my life is getting back on track.”

  “You’ve got your own place, and everyone’s raving about your baked goods.” Eden licked the whipped cream off her fork.

  “But something happened I didn’t expect.”

  “Is this about your in-laws? You didn’t tell me how the visit went.”

  “Kind of.” It would be easier if she could blame her problems on them, but it wouldn’t be fair. This mess was her own fault. Did she dare confide in Eden? “Their visit went fine. But my life has changed since Aaron died. I’ve changed. I think they saw it, too.”

  “As Gabby is always telling me, change doesn’t have to be bad.”
/>
  “I’m afraid this change is bad.” She lowered her eyelids. “I’m attracted to Judd.”

  “And?” Eden leaned forward, almost spilling her coffee.

  Shame rushed over her from head to toe. “And I don’t want to be.”

  “How attracted are we talking?”

  Very.

  Extremely.

  More than...

  Oh, no! I love him!

  Completely. Utterly. Love. Him.

  This was even worse than she’d thought.

  Covering her face with her hands, she tried to hold back the tears. Eden came over to sit next to her.

  “It’s okay. You haven’t done anything wrong.”

  “I have.” Her hands dropped to her lap. “I hurt him. We’ve been having suppers together most weeknights, and I helped him make Gretchen this gingerbread house—it’s so beautiful, Eden—and we just get along. He’s easy to be with. And I like hearing about his day. He thinks I’m a good cook. He actually asks about my baking. He helps with the babies. He’s so good with them. I can’t tell you how wonderful he is.”

  “Nicole?” Eden gave her shoulder a squeeze. “Are you sure this is only attraction?”

  “No.” She pinched the bridge of her nose. “It’s more. And that’s why I hate myself. What kind of person am I? Who does that? Who falls for a guy when their husband died exactly a year ago?”

  “Your heart doesn’t have a timetable. I mean, love happens when it happens.”

  “It shouldn’t. It’s not supposed to. What would people think? What would they say?” She shook her head. “I know what they’d say. ‘Oh, that’s a Boone girl for you. Just like her mother. Always after a man.’ I can’t believe I’ve been so stupid.”

  “What are you talking about? Everyone loves your mom,” Eden said. “And this is different. It’s not as if you’ve moved in with Judd.”

  “And I’m never going to.” She shifted to face Eden. “I drew a clear line today. I feel terrible, but it was the right thing to do. Judd and I won’t be having suppers together anymore. We’re not even on speaking terms.”

  “Are you sure that’s what you want?”

  She nodded. But it wasn’t what she wanted. Not at all.

  “Have you prayed about it?” Eden asked.

  Of course, she hadn’t prayed about it. Well, she had briefly, but not in depth. What could she say? Hey, God, guess what? I’m an idiot and fell in love again. Only this time it’s ridiculously soon after my husband died. Oh, and after You gave me triplets. Proud of me?

  “How does Judd feel about you?” Eden asked.

  “Not good.” She’d hurt him so badly. And he’d stayed. Helped her. Took care of the babies even after she’d ended things with him. What kind of man did that?

  One she didn’t deserve.

  “I’ve never seen him take anyone to Christmas Fest.” Eden seemed to be talking to herself. “In fact, it’s been years since he’s even gone to Christmas Fest. He keeps to himself.”

  “We went together because the church ladies forced us to go.”

  “Judd? He’s not one to be forced into anything.” Eden tapped a finger against her chin. “Gretchen’s been trying to set him up with women for years, and he’s never let her.”

  This wasn’t helping Nicole feel any better.

  “After Mia died,” Eden said, “it took me a long time to find normal. I know you aren’t mad at God for taking Aaron—you’ve made that clear during our support group meetings. Have you considered the possibility that Judd’s a blessing from God? Look at Ruth in the Bible. She lost her husband, and no one thought she was terrible for finding a new one.”

  “It was different back then. She had no way to support herself, and she had a mother-in-law to feed, too.”

  Eden shrugged. “You have triplets to support and no family around to help you.”

  “My in-laws want to help.” Nicole sighed. “They asked me to move to Oklahoma. Don’t worry. I’m staying here. Besides, lots of people help me.”

  “What if Judd feels the same for you that you do for him?”

  He liked her. Nicole wasn’t stupid. But if he felt the same as she did?

  Today would be even worse than she’d thought. Because she was in love with the man. And if he loved her, too, she’d taken a sledgehammer to his heart.

  “Then I’ll never forgive myself.”

  Eden looked like she wanted to say something, but she simply sighed as if she understood.

  That made one of them.

  Nicole doubted she’d ever understand how she could have messed up so badly.

  * * *

  “What in the world is this?” Aunt Gretchen opened her storm door. Judd carried the gingerbread house, draped with a tablecloth over it, inside later that night. He could have waited until tomorrow, but if he spent one more minute in his big empty house, he would lose his mind.

  Tonight he needed to be with someone who loved him.

  Aunt Gretchen was the only person he could truly count on.

  “Sorry I’m tracking snow inside,” he called over his shoulder as he headed straight to her formal dining room to set the house on her table. Once it safely landed, he stepped back, wiped his forehead and returned to the hallway to take off his coat and boots.

  Today had been so bad. And the worst part was he had no one to blame but himself.

  “I got worried when I didn’t see you in church.” She hovered near him.

  He bent to kiss her cheek. “I should have called you.”

  “It’s okay. It just wasn’t like you to miss the Christmas Eve service. Have you eaten?”

  “Yeah,” he lied. “Want to open your Christmas gift?”

  “Is that what this is? It’s so big.” She circled the table. “I can’t imagine what it might be.”

  He lifted the tablecloth off the house and stood back. The house didn’t appear any worse for wear. Then he turned his attention to Aunt Gretchen.

  Please, God, let something go right today. Let her love it.

  Her hands covered her mouth, and her eyes filled with tears. She stared at the house, shaking her head, then looked at him.

  “I can’t believe it.” Sounding breathless, she inspected it closely. “It’s just like the house I grew up in. And you did all this?”

  “Nicole did most of it.” Saying her name was like a knife to his heart. “I was more for moral support.”

  Aunt Gretchen peered at the house closely, exclaiming over all of the tiny details. She looked astonished. “I just can’t believe it. This is the most thoughtful gift. Oh, Judd, I’m tickled to death.”

  She flung her arms around him and hugged him tightly. He hugged her back.

  “I’m glad you like it. I wanted to give you something special. You’ve been like a mother to me. I love you.” He almost choked on the words. He meant them a thousand times over.

  “Oh, look at me, crying like a baby.” Her smile beamed as tears dropped to her cheeks. “I love you, too. I don’t have children, but I couldn’t have had a better son than you. You bless me every day, Judd.”

  She turned her attention back to the house, oohing and aahing over the roof and the porch. Finally, she stood back. “I’ve got to text your father a picture of this. He’ll flip. He always loved that house, too.”

  Judd doubted it, but it was up to her. She could do what she wanted.

  “By the way,” he said, “Stu made the wood block it’s sitting on. He’s really good at woodworking.”

  She blushed. “Yes, he is. Stu’s a good man.” She snapped a picture of the house and texted it to his dad. “There. How about some tea and cookies?”

  His stomach grumbled.

  She chuckled. “Coming right up.”

  Several minutes later, he held a cup of tea as he sat on her couch. Christmas m
usic played from a speaker somewhere, and Aunt Gretchen nibbled on a frosted sugar cookie shaped like a star.

  “I can always tell when something’s wrong with you, you know.” She raised her eyebrows. “What’s going on?”

  He might as well be honest with her. She was the only person who seemed to get him.

  “I’ve gotten close to Nicole.”

  “Oh, good.” She set her teacup down. “I like her. And those babies. They are so sweet.”

  “It’s not good. She’s still grieving her husband.”

  “Give her time, honey. Grief comes and goes.”

  “Eh.” He averted his eyes. “It’s not only that. I’m...me.”

  “What do you mean, you’re you? Of course you’re you.” She sounded indignant.

  “I’m too quiet. Too reserved. Too into ranching.”

  “Did Nicole say that?” Aunt Gretchen sounded huffy.

  “No, but I don’t know what women want. And I really don’t know what Nicole needs.”

  “Aren’t you being a little hard on yourself?”

  “I don’t think I am.”

  “What if she’s perfect for you?”

  He frowned. “I’m not perfect for her.”

  “Says who?”

  Says me.

  “Judd, you are quiet. You are reserved. You are into ranching. But God made you all those things. Those are good qualities to have.”

  He was wrong. His aunt was blind as a bat when it came to him.

  “He also made you honest, kind, dependable. Genuine. A man who looks after widows like me and widows like Nicole. That’s uncommon today.”

  “I want to look after you.”

  “I know. And I love you for it.”

  He wanted to believe her about God making him the way he was, but honestly, it made him kind of mad.

  “I wish God could have made me a little more outgoing.” He shifted his jaw. “I’m starting to want things I didn’t care about before.”

  “Like a wife? And family?”

  “Yes.” He practically growled.

  “And Nicole isn’t ready.” Her sympathetic gaze about undid him.