Racing the Dark

by Alaya Dawn Johnson

  "Don't worry, Mama. I'm fine."

  Her mother broke away and smiled, wiping her eyes.

  "This is an incredible specimen," Lana heard, and she turned to see Aya, one of the other elders, reaching out to hand her blue jewel back to her. "Larger than normal, and such beautiful swirls of color. I imagine it will be even more breathtaking once it's cured. Such a good omen-don't you agree, Okilani?"

  Okilani looked speculatively at Lana and at her jewel. "Perhaps"

  "Honorable elders," Lana said, and bowed again, "I'm afraid I am a little strained from my dive. If it would be permissible ..."

  Okilani smiled slightly. "Of course, Lana. You may go rest." She raised her voice so it could be heard further away. "Tonight we celebrate Iolana's passage to womanhood with a feast."

  Back home with her parents, Lana ran to her room as soon as they'd climbed the stairs and quickly placed the red jewel under her straw pillow. She would have to cure both jewels soon. She paused, her hand hovering in the air above the hidden jewel. For the first time, she was struck by the implications of her deception. The sacred fish had marked her as one for the spirits. Her mother would be horrified to learn that she would subvert her destiny like this. Leilani would turn it into a privilege, an honor, but Lana already knew the honor cost too much. Maybe she was irresponsible, maybe she was selfish, but even now the thought of going back to Okilani and admitting what she had found was untenable. She wanted her life to be her own, not the spirits'. She wanted to make her own decisions. She wanted ... for a moment, the face of Kohaku, her teacher from the outer islands, flashed across her mind. She wanted love. She had enough defiance to hide this-even though she couldn't bring herself to destroy the mandagah's unwanted gift entirely. She heard her mother's soft footsteps outside her room.

  "Lana? Can I come in?"

  She made certain the red jewel was completely hidden, and then pulled back the curtains. Her mother was holding some rags that Lana was afraid she recognized.

  "Why don't we sit down?" her mother said, gesturing toward Lana's sleeping mat.

  Lana shook her head. "I'll just bleed all over it again."

  Her mother smiled. "All right. I just wanted to show you how to use these. And don't grimace like that. It's part of becoming a woman.

  Lana suppressed the urge to roll her eyes.

  "You have to face it sometime," Leilani said. Her reproving expression was ruined by the slight smile turning up the corners of her mouth.

  Lana laughed a little herself. "All right, Mama."

  She went outside to the pump to clean herself off after her mother had explained how to swaddle herself in the women's rags. Lana felt uncomfortable, but she supposed she would get used to it eventually. The sky had cleared since she had returned home, and even this early in the morning it felt like it would be one of the hotter days of the season. As she pumped water into a large bucket, she wondered if she should heat it, but the air was already too hot to take the trouble. She poured some of the water over her body, shivered with the icy shock of it, and then grabbed the half-used bar of soap set beside the bucket on the wooden platform. She scrubbed her entire body, making sure to clean the last of the dried blood from her thighs before she tackled her long, tangled hair. She left a good deal of it in the comb by the time she managed to get it into some semblance of order. She tugged at it more impatiently than normal, eager to get started on curing her jewels. She knew that she still had a little time, but was irrationally afraid that they would start rotting immediately.

  When she stepped outside, still moving uncomfortably in her swaddling, she noticed that her mother had laid some new clothes out for her on the porch. She smiled a little-finally, she would get to wear her own leibo, like the other divers on her island. She recognized this particular pair-they had belonged to her grandmother. Lana pulled them on and then fastened the buttons. They were a little long-reaching to her mid-calf instead of just below her knees-but they actually fit her in the hips. She checked to make sure that no one was watching and then twirled around quickly.

  When the women dove, they wore just their leibo without a shirt, but her mother had laid out something special for her celebration. It was a shirt of sheer fabric-cotton, she realized, which meant it must be quite expensive since it had to be importedhemmed by shiny bits of seashells. She put it on and then let down her hair.

  "You look beautiful, Lana."

  Lana whirled, her heart pounding. Her mother stood behind her on the stairs to the porch. Her arms were crossed, and she was laughing.

  "How ... how long have you been standing there?"

  Leilani smiled. "They're a little long for you, but I don't suppose you'll mind. Your grandmother was taller."

  Lana put her hands in the deep pockets and imagined filling them with mandagah jewels. The pants were that peculiar shade of white only achieved by constant use under the harsh island sun.

  "Thank you," she said.

  Her mother shrugged. "They're your birthright. Now, why don't you go and cure that jewel? If you do it now, it should be finished by tomorrow."

  Lana nodded and went back inside to get her shoes. She brushed some of the sand off her feet before she entered her room-sand tended to fill the room like floodwater unless she was careful. She shut her curtains and made absolutely sure her mother was still outside before moving her pillow and taking the red jewel from underneath it.

  Her hand trembled as she picked it up. She could hardly believe what had happened just a few hours ago-her decision to hide it already weighed heavily. She put both jewels in her deep pockets, tied on her sandals, and ran outside. The quicker she finished curing them, the quicker she could forget that the entire incident had ever happened.

  She ran over the hot sand to the shed where they kept the curing supplies. Her father sat inside, diligently working on one of his tortoise shell lutes. She groaned inwardly. How was she going to get him to leave?

  He looked up as she approached and smiled. "You look beautiful, Lana. Just like your mother did that day."

  Lana blushed. "Please, Papa!"

  "I guess you want to cure your jewel, don't you? Well, I'll leave you in peace. Just let me finish stringing this."

  Lana watched as he delicately pulled the shiny cured mandagah tail hair over the length of the tortoise shell. Making and playing instruments was her father's passion-any time he could spare from fishing was spent in this shed. On the days when Eala, one of the older divers, opened her large house to sell palm wine, he spent hours playing for her customers in the makeshift village watering hole. Lana's mother supported Kapa's passion for music, but Lana sometimes got the sense that Leilani wished her husband could have pursued a more profitable hobby. But Leilani always harvested the mandagah tail hairs that Kapa used to string his instruments. Once cured, they produced a sound finer than any other material. He sold a few every year during trading season, but they hardly earned enough money to justify all the time he spent making them. For her part, Lana didn't mind at all, because her father used his instruments to make beautiful music.

  Kapa ran his fingers experimentally over the strings. He closed his eyes as he listened to them reverberate inside the tortoise shell and smiled a little in satisfaction. Later he would place the sliders over the strings that would produce a wider range of notes.

  He stood up. "I'm going over to Eala's for a while."

  "I'll see you tonight, right?"

  He smiled. "Of course, how could I miss it? Congratulations on today, Lana. We are both ... your mother and I ... incredibly proud of you."

  Lana fiddled with her ear. "Silly parents. Now get going."

  Kapa laughed and left the shed.

  Lana shut the door carefully before she pulled out the two jewels. She laid them on a piece of dry canvas that she had spread out on the worktable. Then she hauled out a sack of heavy curing salt from one of the lower cabinets. Salt was best for curing mandagah jewels, but it had to be used carefully, because it was the worst of bad
luck to drop any salt on the sand. After all, mandagah were freshwater fish, and even the smallest bit of salt could kill them. Kohaku, who had come to their little island from the great Kulanui on Essel, would call that sort of thinking "rustic superstition," but Lana was still superstitious enough to be careful. After all, it wasn't as though Kohaku would have to know. She cringed at the thought of his glare of withering condescension directed towards her. She thought he liked her-maybe even respected her. Well, she hoped, anyway. She bit back a sudden smile and shook her head. She hoped.

  Balancing the heavy bag precariously on one knee, Lana used her left hand to scoop out a handful of salt. That ought to be enough for both jewels. The rough white crystals were still cupped in her hand when she lost her balance and bumped into the worktable. She watched in horror as the red jewel began to roll off the canvas. If it hit the sand, the rotting process would start immediately, and she might not be able to salvage it. With a silent cry, she tossed her handful of salt to the sand and caught the jewel just before it rolled off the table.

  "Oh Kai ... water spirit, please, please don't pay any attention to this. It was just an accident. Please don't make the water salty!"

  She couldn't be sure if the spirit had heard her, but she couldn't let the salt linger on the sand any longer than necessary. She struggled to put the heavy salt bag back in the cupboard under the table, and then scooped up as many of the white crystals as she could separate. The rest she muttered a prayer over and used her foot to bury.

  Lana's heart was pounding and she looked around frantically, half afraid that her mother had seen what she had done. No one was there. Her secrets were safe. Her breathing began to return to normal. Besides, Kohaku was probably right; there was no way spilling salt could actually make the water salty. It probably was just a silly superstition.

  Lana finished burying both jewels beneath the salt without any further mishaps. Then she pushed up the roof so that the sun could shine down on the salt-covered jewels and finish the curing the process. Covered as they were, she figured that she didn't have to move the red one to a special place-her parents would never touch her jewel without her permission.

  Offering one last silent prayer to the water spirit, Lana left the shed.

  It was, to Lana's relief, a gentle sunset-unlike the violently red dawn that had greeted her dive. The other women-those who had never wanted to become divers, or those who hadn't passed the test-had spent all day preparing the feast for Lana's celebration. She was suddenly embarrassed that they would have gone through so much trouble on her behalf, but she could hardly object to it-such celebration was only tradition.

  There had been shouts of congratulations and a few toastseven this early in the evening, the palm wine was flowing freelywhen Lana first entered the gathering. Okilani and a few of the other elders greeted her and led her to the area near the large bonfire, where only the elders and the divers were allowed to sit. She felt dazed as she squinted her eyes against its heat. Was she really an adult now? She still felt as much like a child as she ever had. Her parents still treated her the same way. Would she marry now, and start a family of her own? She was still young and didn't have to if she didn't feel ready, but yesterday it hadn't even been a possibility. She knew all about sex, of course. Her mother hadn't thought it proper to leave her daughter ignorant and, in any case-her parents engaged in it frequently and their house was not large. The prospect of it didn't scare her so much as the thought of being so beholden to another person. She had seen the way her parents looked at each other. Their fortunes were connected so tightly they had ceased to exist as entirely separate people. In an abstract way, Lana might want a husband and a family, but thinking of it now, she realized that they would bind her as irrevocably as this morning's discovery. Would it be worth it? Someone handed her a plate heaped high with roasted fish, boiled vegetables, and rice sweetened with ginger root and coconut milk. Lana stared at it blankly.

  "It isn't poisoned, dear," said an old woman Lana thought she recognized.

  "Oh ... I'm sorry..."

  "You haven't eaten all day, have you?"

  Lana shook her head mutely.

  The old lady clucked, revealing a sturdy tongue in a mouth lacking about half its teeth. "You're all the same, poor dears. After you come up with your first jewels. Too stunned to even enjoy the food."

  Lana visibly shook herself and then smiled. "You're right, I should eat. Enjoy myself."

  The lady nodded. "And if you're still feeling nervous, you ought to smoke some of that." The lady gestured to the pipe filled with amant weed that was being passed around the circle. Lana had never tried it before. It hadn't even occurred to her that she would be allowed to, now.

  "Maybe ... maybe I will."

  "Well then, eat up."

  Lana picked up a spoon and put some food in her mouth. She stared at the old woman again. She seemed familiar, but Lana couldn't figure where she might have seen her before.

  "It's good. Thank you."

  The lady chuckled and waved her hand in he air. "It's nothing, nothing. So long as you're enjoying yourself, Lana, that's all I care about."

  Lana smiled nervously. Why was this woman addressing her so familiarly?

  "Those leibo, they're too big on you, you know. You're a bit shorter than the rest of the family, I suppose. They fit me perfectly."

  "Um ... do I know-"

  "That was some discovery of yours, this morning, wasn't it? I don't blame you for keeping it a secret. There aren't many of us who would be willingly marked like that. But that color ... and given to you so freely by a dying mandagah. You may be marked despite what you've done, dear. There may be nothing you can do about it. Perhaps you might have been better off hiding your first blood after all. Too late now, of course ..."

  Lana's hands were shaking so badly that she heard her spoon rattling on the wooden plate.

  "Who ... are you? How did you know that? Please don't tell anyone ...

  The lady smiled. Was it Lana's imagination, or had the gaps in her teeth disappeared? "Oh, don't worry about me, Lana. I'm just here to wish you luck. And you may need it, at that. You may need it."

  Lana looked around frantically to see if anyone else had heard their conversation.

  "Listen-" She turned back and stopped short.

  The old woman had disappeared.

  The hand she then felt on her shoulder nearly made Lana drop her food altogether.

  "Oh ... Okilani. It's you."

  Lana didn't dare ask if Okilani had seen the old woman. Instead, she tried to smooth her features into some semblance of a normal expression. Okilani sat down beside her on the reed mat and gave her a penetrating gaze before she spoke.

  "It was just a spirit, Lana," she said quietly. "A benign one. No need to be so afraid."

  Lana put the food down. She felt like throwing up the spoonful she had eaten.

  "You ... you heard, Okilani?" She could barely keep the terror from her voice.

  The elder turned to her and patted her hand. "No. I only sensed its presence. It came for you, after all-I wasn't meant to see it, or hear what it said."

  "Oh" Lana's voice was a reedy whisper.

  Okilani narrowed her eyes and Lana looked away quickly.

  "A spirit?" she asked falteringly. "How is that possible?"

  "We're especially close to the outer death shrine. I'm sure you noticed that it was visible today. Sometimes spirits with particularly strong wills can come back for a short time on special occasions. Did you recognize it?"

  Lana considered for a second. "She seemed familiar, but I don't remember ever seeing her before. But she commented on my leibo ... they were too big, she said. Said that I was short for my family. They had fit her perfectly."

  "Why, it was your grandmother, then. Your mother told me those leibo had been hers."

  "My grandmother?"

  "You never met her, after all. She died before you were born. She probably came to wish you luck."

  "T
hat's ... that's what she said."

  Okilani stood up and looked back at Lana. "Then you probably need it."

  As her grandmother's spirit had predicted, Lana felt much better once she smoked some of the amant weed. It made her cough painfully at first, but the other adults just laughed and gave her something to drink. She didn't even realize at first that it was palm wine they placed in her hands. Between the wine and the amant, she felt little more than a slight twinge of anxiety when she thought of the strange encounter with the spirit.

  That amant weed was wonderful, Lana decided as she reclined on a mat by the fire. It made everything seem clearer, somehow. She looked at the moon, so bright and massive in the sky it drowned the light of all but the brightest stars. Something flickered in the corner of her eye and she turned to it. For a second she caught a faint glimpse of her grandmother, her form insubstantial and wavering by the fire. She looked younger this time, but still recognizable. The spirit winked at Lana and then raised her hand in a farewell.

  Lana frowned a little and then waved back. The spirit wouldn't tell anyone Lana's secret, but her warning worried her a bit, even past the amant weed and palm wine. Her grandmother disappeared. Lana stared at the place where she had been for a few moments and then lay back down on the mat.

  "Lana?"

  She sat bolt upright, looking around again for her grandmother again, but it was only Kali, who had snuck up to the adult area by the fire. Lana wondered if the others would make Kali leave, but it seemed that they were too preoccupied to notice or bother.

  "What is it?" Lana asked. "Here, sit down. I don't think anyone will care."

  Kali smiled and sat. "Wow, Lana. I can't believe that you get to sit here now. Do you feel like an adult?"

  Lana shook her head. "Not really ... but it's nice to be close to the fire, I guess. And I like the amant."