Andrew tipped his screen towards him. “Yeah. Elle too.”
Brian snorted. “I guess they mean well.”
“Annoying as hell, though.” Especially when Elle’s observant person intuition about Brian’s relationship history made Andrew hurt.
“I’m telling Carly that the pair of them can go jump. We can fuck this up well enough on our own.”
A laugh burst out of Andrew before he could stop it.
Brian threw him a sidelong glare and hit send.
It worked because there were no more interruptions to their near silent waiting. Finally, the stadium filled up around them and the ski stunt show started.
The moment James and Troy began their jet-ski duelling, Andrew and Brian cheered and clapped, laughing along as their friends pretended to be deadly enemies on the water. They raced around the lake and flipped and spun and sprayed each other with their wakes. The stunts were bigger and more daring and Andrew held his breath through a lot of them. His mates were absolute professionals though, and it all worked perfectly. Brian slapped a hand on his arm and gripped tightly when, at the end, James and Troy charged towards each other, launched off twin wakes from the speedboat, and flew past each other in mid-air and high-fived. The crowd erupted in deafening cheers.
“I nearly shit myself when they went right at each other at the end,” Brian said as they were leaving the park.
Even forewarned, Andrew had felt a thrill of dangerous expectation in that moment. “It really was a step up for them.”
Discussing the show and their awe for their friends’ talent broke some of the awkwardness, though when they were in the tight confines of the Jag, the excited conversation dried up and most of the drive home was silent.
Brian clicked the garage door opener and drove right in and Andrew didn’t dare to think it meant he was staying. It had probably just been an automatic motion. However, Brian popped the boot and got his sports bag, laptop and satchel out.
“You’re staying?” he asked stupidly.
“Have to do laundry and Carly’s machine is weird.”
Before Andrew’s heart could deflate again, Brian smiled at him and went inside. “Schrodinger! Daddy’s home!”
Andrew sagged against the car and pulled in a shaky breath. Maybe he still had Brian’s friendship after all. He’d take that and hold on to it with all of his strength, even if that’s all he could ever have.
Schrody wasn’t that impressed with Brian’s cuddles and kisses, but he suffered through them long enough Brian didn’t exactly feel completely abandoned. “I’ll never leave you ever again,” Brian promised him. The cat squirmed and Brian put him back on the couch. “I’ll win your love back if it’s the last thing I ever do.”
“He did miss you.”
Brian nodded, still looking at the cat. Why couldn’t he ever seem to find his balance around Andrew anymore? Just when he thought they were getting close to working out how to be in this new reality Andrew had created, something threw him for a loop.
Because who the fuck had given Andrew that hickey?
“He slept on your bed every night,” Andrew continued softly. He’d come to lean on the end of the kitchen counter, arms crossed and gaze fixed on the cat. “Went looking for the Jag every evening. I took him out the front again yesterday arvie and he just sat on the driveway watching the cars goes past.”
Brian swallowed the urge to ask if Andrew had watched the cars as well. Or had he been too busy letting some leech suck on his neck?
“He doesn’t seem to care about me now,” he said instead.
“Feed him a couple of times and he’ll forget to hate you.”
“Probably. I’m going to take my stuff to my room.”
“Want a hand?”
“Nope. I got it.” Brian grabbed all of his bags and lugged them upstairs. Nothing had changed in his room except that the scattering of grey hairs on his bedspread had increased substantially without him there to disrupt it.
He did need to wash a few things so he took his time sorting them out. Carly had followed up on her promise to show him how to use her washer/dryer combo and he’d managed a very embarrassed load of sheets, then stayed the hell away from the laundry. The fewer reminders he had about that wank the better.
Though now he was back around Andrew, it was right there at the forefront of his mind. The impulse to kiss him, touch him, do things with him, hadn’t lessened. He’d thought that maybe whatever aversion Andrew’d had that day had disappeared, thanks to his performance today. Then the hickey had been revealed. Apparently Andrew hadn’t had any reservations about being physical with that person. Just Brian.
He was getting angry again when he carted his load of washing downstairs. Andrew was in the kitchen pulling apart a roast chicken. There was a pot on the stovetop with simmering water and the ingredients for chicken spaghetti on the counter. Schrody sat at his feet, watching his movements with a hunter’s intensity. Andrew held up a small bit of chicken and Schrody lifted his front paws up to reach for it.
“Thought I was going to get to feed him,” Brian snapped.
“It’s just a tiny bit of chicken. He’ll still be hungry.”
Did he always have to be so reasonable?
Grumpily, Brian went and put on his washing. When he came back, Schrody was doing his little begging meows and mashing his face into Andrew’s legs.
“I got nothing more for you. See your daddy.”
Brian rolled his eyes and, nose wrinkling up, got the raw offal from the fridge. “This is disgusting.”
“It’s no worse than the steaks in the freezer.”
So bloody reasonable.
Screwing up his gag flex, Brian grabbed the cat’s chopping board and prepared his dinner. Schrody caught on quick and transferred his easily bought affection to Brian. It did feel good to have his attention, though, no matter the gross things he had to do to get it. Brian took the cut up meat to the laundry and scooped it into Schrody’s bowl. The cat hunched down and greedily gobbled it up.
Back in the kitchen, the human dinner was coming along. Andrew was sautéing the onion and watching the boiling pot of spaghetti. A pile of chicken waited and several cans sat next to it. Brian began opening them.
“Who was it?”
Andrew stopped moving the onion around for a couple of seconds. “Who was what?”
“Who gave you the hickey?”
With a sigh, Andrew kept stirring. “A guy called Eliot. I met him on the build in Brisbane.”
A man. Was that better or worse than a woman? Did it matter? That smouldering coal of anger heated up at the thought of anyone doing that to Andrew. His reaction was partly protective because stroke potential, and partly jealous because . . . just because. Brian grabbed the strainer and tipped the can of corn kernels into it over the sink. “So, are you bisexual?”
“Yeah.”
“Jesus, you kept that well under wraps.” Brian had never even suspected. Knowing now eased something in him though. “Have you ever been with a man before?”
“Nope. Never wanted to really. That’s probably why no one guessed.” Andrew snorted. “I wasn’t even sure until, well, you know.”
“Until you let some guy try to kill you with a love bite,” Brian muttered venomously.
Andrew laughed. “No. I really started accepting it when I realised I was in love with my best friend.”
Brian froze, then looked at him slowly. “So, nothing happened with this Eliot?”
Andrew spun away and grabbed the chicken, dumping it into the pot with the onion. Then the tomato soup and evaporated milk. “No. I wanted it to, though.”
After a moment to tamp down the need to shout, Brian moved over and emptied the corn into the pot. “You’re in love with me, but you wanted to fuck someone else.”
Andrew’s chest hitched and he blinked furiously. “I thought you didn’t want me.”
“Fuck you.” Brian backed off and barely stopped himself from running out of the kitchen
. “I asked you if you wanted to have sex with me and you couldn’t get away from me fast enough.”
Shoulders tensing, Andrew turned the heat down on the hotplates and faced him. He was pale under his tan, his hands shaking very so slightly. “I was scared, okay? I hadn’t had an erection in two years. My sex drive was nothing. Of everyone I know, I thought you would understand that. I couldn’t think about sex with anyone and I reacted badly. I’m sorry but you didn’t exactly give me a chance to explain.”
Great. Now Brian felt like a total dickhead. No, worse. He was a selfish arsehole bastard prick. He should have noticed something if Andrew had been struggling with this for so long. And he should have known it was highly possible, thanks to the chemo and depression, not to mention the psychological implications of losing a sex organ, or part thereof.
Brian shook his head. “You don’t have to apologise. I’m the only moron here who needs to. I’m so sorry.”
Andrew shrugged and turned back to the stovetop. “It’s okay. It’s not like I said anything.”
“No. It’s not okay. You’re my best friend and I totally missed this. I really am sorry.” Brian needed to make this up to him. Show Andrew that he cared and would always be there for him. Which meant proving that he could listen and accept. “You said you hadn’t had an erection. Does that mean . . .? With that guy?” Wanting to be the friend Andrew needed didn’t mean he was capable of saying the name, even though it was seared into his brain like a brand.
“Yeah. We went dancing and . . .” Andrew shrugged. “It might have been just the physical stimulation or maybe it was attraction, I don’t know. I was just really happy it happened at all.”
Telling himself that he was a doctor helping a patient, not a guy desperately not wanting to hear about his best friend grinding on another guy, helped. A little bit. “You were attracted to him, though.”
“He looked a bit like you. So yeah.”
Heat rushed up Brian’s cheeks. “But you said nothing happened. Apart from the Hickey of Doom.”
Taking the spaghetti off the stove, Andrew drained it into the strainer. “It was all progressing like it should, then he went to give me a blowjob and I freaked. It suddenly hit me that he would see I wasn’t . . . complete anymore, and so I flipped out. He was good about it though. We talked about his mum, who lost both breasts to cancer, and when we decided to try again, I, um . . . couldn’t.” The spaghetti got added to the other pot. “Can you grab the cheese?”
Numbly, Brian got the grated cheese from the fridge and handed it over. He and Andrew hadn’t talked about sex in years. Before they lost their virginity, yes, all the time. Wondering what it would be like, when they would have it, who it would be with, who could go the longest. It stopped after they’d both found steady partners, and Andrew had loudly and repeatedly declared he couldn’t hear anything about his sister, which, fair.
Andrew’s word choice tugged at his heart though. Complete. Did he really not feel whole anymore? And as grateful as he was that this other man had been so cool about Andrew’s freak out, Brian hated that it hadn’t been him reassuring Andrew.
“Brian?”
He blinked and focused on Andrew. “Sorry. I drifted.”
Andrew’s smile was fond. “I figured. You want to eat now or bake it like we’re supposed to?”
Usually, they didn’t bother with the baking part and just ate the dish as soon as all the parts were put together. “Bake it.”
While Andrew transferred the spaghetti into a baking dish and sprinkled more cheese on top, Brian went and sat on the couch.
They’d talked. Finally. And talked about way more than Brian had thought they would. Nothing had happened with the other guy, but it nearly had and Brian couldn’t quite wrap his head around it. He did understand how a person could be sexually attracted to someone other than the person they loved, but fuck, it was hard to accept when he was the person being loved and not sexed.
“Why do you love me?” he asked as Andrew sat beside him and handed over a beer.
“Dunno. Just do.”
Brian groaned. “Explain it to me. I mean, I love you, but not that way. So why do you think you do?”
“Because I would be sad if I lost any of my other friends, but if I lost you, I’d feel like dying.”
Well, fuck. Brian’s heartbeat kicked into high gear.
“You’re my constant,” Andrew continued. “Whenever I’m hurt or sad, I come back to you and you’re exactly what I need. Whenever I’m happy, I know you’ll be happy with me, not just happy for me. You rearranged your entire life around me when I got sick, but even before that, I’d lost count of how many times you were exactly where I needed you, when I needed you. And I’ve tried so hard to be all that and more for you without even knowing what I was doing the entire time I’ve known you. I’ve been in love with you for a long time, Brian. I’ve lived with it in secret for this long and I can keep doing that if you want me to, just please let me keep being your friend.” He took a long drink of his beer and that appeared to be the end of his outpouring.
Brian drank as well, not tasting it, not feeling the chill go down his throat, barely registering the hard glass against his lips. Andrew’s words reverberated inside his chest, slowly falling into harmony with thoughts and feelings he’d never known he held. Yes, he felt all that for Andrew too, but was that love? It was for Andrew, but was it for him? He didn’t know.
“Are you still my friend?” Andrew asked hesitantly.
“Always.” That he didn’t need to think about.
Andrew sighed. “Good. Do you want a salad with the spaghetti?” He went to stand.
Brian caught his wrist without thought. “Stay.”
Sitting back, Andrew took another drink and kept silent. Brian stared at the drawn blinds on the front window. There was an awful lot of new information and revelations swirling through his head. He felt as if he was about to sit an exam, when he was convinced he knew absolutely nothing and none of it would ever make sense. Every bloody exam was the same, but somehow, when he got in there and started reading the questions, all the information lined up neatly in his head and he could find what he needed.
Maybe that was the solution to this current dilemma. Get in there, sit down and throw himself into it.
He was moving before he knew it. Both beer bottles were put on the coffee table and his leg was thrown over Andrew’s lap so Brian was straddling him, facing a very stunned and gaping Andrew.
“What the—”
Brian cupped Andrew’s face and kissed him.
Finally. Fucking finally, he was kissing Andrew. And it was horrible.
Andrew wasn’t kissing him back. He was frozen stiff, lips two hard barriers so it felt like Brian was trying to pash a mannequin.
“Fuck you, Fitzroy,” he growled against that rock-hard mouth. “Kiss me back. Please.” The plea came out like a whine, cracked and desperate.
“Shit,” Andrew hissed, and then he kissed Brian back.
Brian almost tumbled off him in surprise, but Andrew’s arms snapped shut around him and held him close. His mouth was hot and insistent, those hard lips suddenly soft but forceful as they moved over Brian’s. There was indeed stubble, as he’d imagined, and yes, all the moving parts were the same general shape as a woman’s, but no other kiss in all of history could have ever been like this.
Electricity shot through Brian’s spine, the voltage doubling when Andrew sucked on his lower lip, his tongue skating along the trapped edge. Brian whimpered and wound his arms around Andrew’s neck. He found Andrew’s top lip and mimicked the move, his whole body humming in pleasure when Andrew shuddered and moaned. Emboldened, Brian licked at the gap between his lips and Andrew opened further. Their tongues met somewhere in the middle and the first touch made Brian’s dick jerk, and he lost all grip on reality when Andrew stroked his tongue with his own, drawing it into his mouth. Andrew sucked on his tongue and teased his lips, then finally delved into Brian’s mouth.
/> Brian was helpless. He was weightless and lead all at once, feeling like he was floating, but heavy against Andrew’s big, solid body. His cock was thick and hard and he didn’t remember the stages in between limp and this. Everything was upside down and perfect. Andrew’s tongue was licking inside him, his hands were pressing firmly into his back and, holy mother of god, that was his big fucking dick poking into Brian’s groin. A realisation that made Brian moan and his entire body heat instantly. He’d made that erection.
Mind blown, he rubbed against it and kissed Andrew deeper.
Kiss me back. Please.
The most perfect four words ever. Andrew had never thought to hear Brian say something like that to him, period. That he had, after spilling all the sordid details about Eliot, made it even more of a miracle.
The only thing more perfect, more extraordinary, than those words was the action itself.
Andrew hadn’t kissed Eliot’s mouth. Hadn’t actually kissed him anywhere, and he was so bloody grateful for that, because this, with Brian, was his first and he never wanted it to end. The way Brian was physically trying to climb into him, grasping at his shoulders, arms, neck, hair, and grinding himself down on Andrew’s cock, it felt like it never would. Andrew lost himself in kissing him, in tasting and touching and claiming.
Brian’s mouth was searing hot and glorious, his tongue a taunting challenger and the sounds that came out of him, that Andrew hungrily drank down, were the most erotic and beautiful music to ever hit his ears. It thrummed through him, redirecting all of his blood down into his dick. The rapid stiffening of his shaft made him lightheaded with relief. It had barely taken a minute of kissing to get hard, not song after song after song of rubbing and grinding. And fuck, Brian’s cock was right there with his, easily detectable through his shorts.
Then Brian started rocking on him.
“Fuck,” Andrew moaned against his lips. “Yeah.”
Brian chuckled low and seductively, then dived back into his mouth, rolling his hips and driving Andrew totally insane.
The New Normal Page 11