Respect

by Jay Crownover

  I was mad, but she was too fragile at the moment for me to really lay into her. Instead I sighed, plowed my fingers through my hair and told her, “We don’t know for sure it was Troy. And ID or no ID, I’m not missing my sister’s wedding.”

  Sometimes it paid to have friends in low places. If I needed to get my hands on a fake in the next few days then that’s what I was going to do. I wanted to close my eyes and wake up in my bed inside the glass and iron castle I called home. I wanted my sister to hug me and kiss my head while she told me I was the bravest, brightest girl in the whole world. I wanted Race to wink at me and give me the look that said he knew I was made of stronger stuff than my sister, so he didn’t have to worry about me the way he did her. I desperately wanted to be able to walk down and knock on Booker’s door and have him usher me into his private space like we were the best of friends. He was the only person in my life I was ever able to be real with, and I believed I offered the same thing to him. He wasn’t the hired thug with a gun and quick hands when we sat on the couch and binge-watched old episodes of Veronica Mars. No, he was just a guy who accepted his lot in life and did whatever he had to in order to survive when he was with me. The guy who was kind to me when it obviously did not come easy. The guy who protected me when it became more and more apparent he had no idea how to protect himself from simple things like emotions and feelings.

  Before Ari could continue apologizing, there was a sharp knock on the broken door and her brother and his boyfriend sauntered in. I was surprised it took them as long as it did to show. Ari called Dom right after reporting the break-in. I thought for sure the boys would break every traffic law known to man getting to Boulder once she was done explaining everything that had happened during the night.

  The next hour or so was spent going over the hellish night, and everyone tried to calm Dom down when he got a good look at Ari’s bruised face. Lando was reassuring and gentle as he handled my injured friend. He was more forceful and demanding when he ordered his hot-headed boyfriend to pull his shit together. Both men refused to hear any arguments about Ari going anywhere but home with them. It was clear Dom needed some time to coddle his baby sister, and she needed time to be cared for. I gave Dom a brief rundown of what happened with the jerk cop who took the report on the break-in; for some reason, though, I couldn’t tell him about Booker being in town. Ari gave me a look over the obvious omission, but I stared right back, defiantly daring her to give my secret up to someone else I wasn’t ready to share it with.

  She owed me for blabbing my business to her creepy boyfriend. I silently ordered her to keep her trap shut to her brother when it came to Booker.

  All three of them insisted I go down to Denver with them at least for the night. The lock on the front door was busted open and there had been so much drama today that I think they were all worried I was going to break down and fall apart.

  I probably would have if I didn’t know for certain I was going to have a visitor sometime before the night was through.

  I didn’t want to go.

  I refused to examine my motivations behind my insistence that I had too much to do to leave. I told them I still had to pack my room before the movers arrived. Which was true. I explained I needed to call home, to let them know what was going on with my identification and my flight. Also true. I insisted I needed some time alone, a few quiet hours to get my head around everything that had happened. Which was a big fat lie. Somewhere inside of me, I knew Booker was coming back, and I wanted to be here when he did. I tried to tell myself it was because I needed to know if he found Troy or not, but there was more to it. I might be able to lie to everyone else in the room, but I'd never been very good at lying to myself.

  It took an endless amount of reassurance and the promise to check into a hotel for the night once I was all packed up to get Dom to agree to leave with Ari. He also arranged to have a marked police car drive around the block every hour and call me regularly in between patrolling, which I didn’t see the need for since the apartment complex had security, but it made him feel better and finally got him out the door.

  I was on the phone trying to convince my sister she didn’t need to drive to Colorado and pick me up to bring me back home. I also had to explain that she didn’t need to order Race to charter a private jet to get me back where she thought I belonged. About that time, the broken front door swung open and a dark figure materialized in the opening.

  No one else moved as quietly as he did. No one else stole the air out of the room and made my skin feel too tight the way he did. I knew it was Booker before he stepped into the room.

  I was tired of having the same useless argument with Brysen about the fact that I was an adult now and could find a solution to my own problems. She wanted to send Race’s entire security crew out to Boulder to bubble wrap me so they could deliver me unscratched to her doorstep. I practically yelled at her that I would be fine and insisted I didn’t need a security detail. It had been one of my conditions when I moved away. I was tired of being watched. I was sick of having eyes on me all the time. I made Race promise he would call off his watch dogs when I left for school. He agreed, reluctantly, and I wasn’t about to let myself get railroaded back into the gilded cage I’d run from. I could take care of myself. I wanted them both to believe me when I told them exactly that.

  Booker made his way into the room, eyes not missing anything. His mouth was twisted into a frown and his dark eyebrows were drawn into a deep V over his nose. I could see him cataloging every inch of me from head to toe, features relaxing when he saw for himself I was uninjured and in one piece.

  He waved a hand at the door. “What happened?”

  I shrugged and tucked my hair behind my ears. “Someone, probably Troy, broke in. All they took was my purse and my passport so I can’t get on my flight home tomorrow.”

  He scowled and started pacing around the room. He reminded me of a wild animal forced to live in a manmade enclosure. He never seemed like he had enough room to move, to breathe.

  “Do you need me to get you an ID?” He had friends in even lower places than I did and they would move faster.

  I slowly shook my head and watched him as he continued to prowl. “I’m going to drive home.” As long as I didn’t get pulled over the risk involved in that seemed far less than the one involved with running around with a fake ID in my pocket.

  He paused, then stopped moving altogether. His eyes narrowed on me and I could practically see him working through everything that might go wrong if he did what I was about to demand of him.

  “I don’t think that’s a good idea. I couldn’t find the boyfriend and there is some shady shit going on with him that I don’t like. I heard you tell Brysen you don’t have a security detail anymore. You, on your own, out on the road, doesn’t seem like a good idea right now.” He was worried about me, and I hated the way his concern warmed all the places inside of me that had been cold for so very long.

  I blew out a breath, feeling it shake as it left my body. I was about to make the biggest mistake of my life, but there was no stopping the words once they spilled out.

  “That’s why you’re coming with me.”

  Booker

  Seconds after Karsen’s bold declaration, she disappeared into her room, slamming the door in my face while mumbling something about finally packing. I stared at the wood for a solid five minutes, trying to figure out if there was any way possible to actually go with her back to the Point. Race was going to shoot me on sight if I made it back to the city limits. But I couldn’t let her make the trip on her own, not with someone out there pulling strings and meddling in her life. If Troy, or whoever, had gone to all this trouble to keep her in Boulder, there really was no telling what was coming when they figured out she was gone. That level of obsession and planning was frightening. The last time I’d witnessed anything like it, a madman tried to burn the entire Point to the ground because Reeve, the woman the psycho was in love with, couldn’t and wouldn’t love him t
he way he wanted her to. Her heart had always belonged to Titus King and that lunatic wanted everyone else in Reeve’s life to pay for what he viewed as her betrayal. It was bad. The bodies added up fast, and there was no way I was going to let Karsen end up in the middle of that kind of carnage again. I was just going to have to be faster and better than anyone who was gunning for me . . . and for her.

  Trying to puzzle through a plan that had the highest probability of keeping both of us alive, at least until I got her home, I sank to the floor, back against the wall opposite from her closed door. The front door was broken and there was someone out there who didn’t want her to leave. I wasn’t going anywhere while she was vulnerable. It wasn’t that I didn’t believe Karsen was fully capable of taking care of herself. I knew she could. I was proud of the fact she was tough as nails and hard to break. But this was the first time in four years the opportunity to help her, rather than hurt her, had presented itself. She needed to know she could rely on me like she used to. I wanted her to trust me again, and the only way I knew how to do that was to stand between her and whatever was out there wanting to cause her harm. I’d always done my best to shield her from the worst of our world in the city. It never occurred to me she would need to be saved from her new, boring life. Race was going to have to send a goddamn army if he wanted to get rid of me right now. I wasn’t going anywhere until I knew she was safe.

  I pulled out my phone and typed out a message to Benny. I was glad he’d forced me to take his number before dropping me off in front of Karsen’s apartment complex. I didn’t trust him, but I wasn’t about to turn away the only ally I had close at hand.

  We weren’t going to take her SUV. That was a given, even if she wanted to fight me over it. It would be too easy for anyone looking for her to track her down. I didn’t want my info, factual or fabricated, tied to any paperwork. I didn’t want a trail leading to our exact location. Which meant a rental car was also off the table. Instead, I asked Benny to find me something on Craigslist that was reasonably priced, basic enough to blend in with other family cars, and reliable enough to handle the trek west. I also asked him to stock the trunk with supplies. I needed my duffel bag from the hotel I was checked into and I needed an arsenal. I wasn’t sure what kind of firepower I was going to need, but I wanted to be prepared for anything. Benny simply told me it would all be taken care of, leaving me to wonder exactly how legit his new life really was. He seemed to have a lot of his old tricks still up his sleeve, not that I was complaining.

  I also drafted a short message to Nassir letting him know what was going on. I was supposed to be back at his beck and call by the end of the week, if I survived this visit. There weren’t a lot of people in my life I owed anything to, but Nassir had given me an out when I so desperately needed one. After things blew up with Race, and I thought for sure my only option was kill or be killed, Nassir stepped in and played referee. He kept me on the payroll and saw to it so I was so busy, I rarely had time to plot his business partner’s death. I wouldn’t have made it the last four years without him, and when I told him I was done waiting, he promised he would do his best to buy me some time before Race found out I was gone. He wasn’t exactly playing matchmaker, but he was giving me his own version of a green light. He knew all about there being one person who was your person no matter what. He had that kind of love with his wife. He’d also had to go to Colorado and bring her home, so I think he sympathized with my situation more than anyone else could. I owed Nassir Gates more than I would ever be able to repay. His response back was short and sweet.

  ~ Don’t die, and don’t let the girl die.

  I typed back an equally short reply.

  ~ I won’t.

  Once all of that was done, I started plotting a route home. I wanted one that was unexpected and less direct. I was looking at back roads and bypasses instead of highways and interstates. My plan was risky in that it put us in isolated locations without much traffic if the car broke down or we ran into trouble. But it was a better option for keeping Karsen’s location undetected. It was also a way to make sure if Race sent his hounds after me, they were going to have to look pretty damn hard to sniff us out. I made a mental note to tell her we had to leave her phone behind. I didn’t want anyone being able to track her, and who knew if the roommate’s boyfriend had fucked with her phone when he was over. She wasn’t going to like being cut off from Brysen, and I could guarantee Race was going to have a heart attack when he couldn’t get ahold of her and figured out who she was with. I almost grinned at the thought. By the time I was done planning, I figured we could make the drive in two days if we pushed it and the car wasn’t a piece of garbage, but three days would be better. I doubted Karsen was going to agree to any more time trapped in a small space with me, but I was going to explain it was the best alternative.

  I realized it was well after midnight and there hadn’t been a sound from inside of Karsen’s room in a while. The repetitive sounds of tape zipping across the roll and boxes sliding across the floor had gone quiet a while ago. Frowning, I got to my feet and lightly tapped on the door. When I didn’t get a response, I turned the knob, surprised when it moved under my hand. I figured she would have locked me out without a second thought. She made it pretty clear she wasn’t interested in anything I had to say or any apology I tried to make. Unfortunately for her, I was a stubborn bastard. I’d waited four years to see her again, I wasn’t about to walk away as soon as things got tricky and complicated. Our entire relationship before now could easily be defined by those two words.

  The room was dark but Karsen’s hair was so pale it was easy to spot where it spilled across her bed like white silk. She was stretched out horizontally, long legs hanging over the edge of the bed. Her face was turned away from where I hovered in the doorway but I could hear her even, deep breaths indicating she was out like a light. It had been one hell of a day. I couldn’t blame her for passing out as soon as she got the chance. As much as I wanted to shake her awake and throttle her for falling asleep without locking her bedroom door or checking to make sure the front door was secured, I didn’t.

  Instead, I watched for a long time, wondering if there was ever a way she would sleep this soundly and securely with me in her life. It was completely selfish of me to want her. I didn’t have anything good to offer anyone, and Karsen deserved something so much better than good. She was a survivor, a success story. Rarely, did anyone make it out of the Point and go on to bigger and better things. But she had. And, what kind of asshole did it make me that I wanted to drag her right back into the gutter with me because she was the only person in my life who made me feel like I was worth more than my ability to break bones and catch bullets meant for more powerful men?

  Sighing at the dreary direction of my thoughts, I made my way over to the window so I could check if it was locked. I peeked out into the darkness, eyes scanning for anything that might be out of place. As I was lowering the curtain back down, Karsen let out a painful-sounding whisper and she started to twist on top of the bed.

  Trying to be as quiet as possible, I made my way over to the side of the bed where her head was rolling from side to side. Even in sleep, she had a deep furrow between her pale eyebrows and her pouty mouth was pulled into a fierce frown. I wanted to smooth her hair back from her forehead. I wanted to press my fingers into those lines between her eyebrows and brush them away. I wanted to put my mouth on those pursed lips and kiss them until they were soft and supple. I physically ached from the restraint it took to keep myself from wrapping her shaking body up in my arms and holding her until her nightmare passed. I wanted her to know I was there to keep her nightmares at bay, at least I wanted to until she suddenly whimpered my name.

  “Noah. No. Booker. How could you? Why. . . . ?” The wail at the end sliced through my heart as effectively as a molten blade.

  I couldn’t protect her from her nightmares . . . not when I was her nightmare. I was the thing she was afraid of, even when she was asleep.


  My hands clenched into fists and I slipped out the door, making sure to lock it so I wouldn’t be tempted to go back inside and lurk around while she continued to vilify me in her sleep. This time I collapsed to the floor opposite her door, my legs too weak to keep me upright.

  There was more than pain in her midnight cry. There was devastation. There was agony. There was true, unfiltered heartache in each syllable.

  I had known from the first moment we met that Karsen had a crush on me. She never bothered to hide it. It was flattering, her youthful adoration. I liked the way her eyes lit up when she saw me and how she got tongue-tied whenever she was around me. She was sweet, and that wasn’t something I had much of in my life, so I indulged her. I pretended her infatuation was no big deal, when in fact, the teenager was my best friend. She was loyal, determined, and unendingly positive, which was a miracle considering the setting she grew up in. She didn’t let her parents’ issues, or the fact she was living in the middle of a constant battleground, steal away her brightness, and man, I loved her light. Letting Karsen into my life was the first time some of the shadows that owned me had been chased away. She brought hope with her wherever she went.

  The closer she got to being legal, the more obvious it was that her crush was something far more serious. It unnerved the adults in her life and forced me to walk on eggshells around her, and everyone who was standing guard over her virtue. She looked at me with love in her eyes, and selfish fucker that I was, I could never tell her all the reasons someone as pure and with as much potential shouldn’t love a loser like me. I fell back on reminding her over and over again that I was way too old for her and my days were numbered. Guys in my line of work didn’t tend to last long, and she’d already had to visit me in the hospital more times than I wanted to count. I figured it was enough to scare her away until she met someone more appropriate, but in all the years we’d been apart, she never let anyone else get close.