Respect

by Jay Crownover

  I stalked toward the other man, eyes narrowed and jaw set. This was a setting I was familiar with. This was the kind of fight I knew I could win. This was my domain, my arena. Race was the one out of his depth. He might know how to calculate odds, weigh risks and rewards, but he had no idea how to fight for his life.

  “Why are we here, Hartman?” I stopped right in front of him, leaning into his space. He was doing his best to appear unaffected, but I could see sweat beading at his hairline, and the flashy confidence he wore so easily was thin enough to crack.

  “I’m not sure. Nassir told me I had some unfinished business to attend to and ordered me to get my ass over here. I assume it has to do with Karsen.”

  I didn’t hesitate to throw the first punch.

  My fist landed hard and quick against his unprotected rib cage and a satisfying crack followed. His eyes widened and he let out a gasp, falling back a step.

  “What the fuck! I’ll kill you, asshole.” His breathing turned choppy and his eyes narrowed at me.

  “I was dead for four years after you forced me to hurt the only person I ever cared about. She brought me back to life, and now I’m going to fuck you up for all the danger you put her in. You sent a psychopath to keep an eye on her, after promising you would butt out of her life. She could have died, Race. Do you understand that?”

  He opened his mouth to respond but before he could speak I swept a leg out, catching him at the knees, and brought him to the ground. He landed with an ‘oomph’ on his back. His head made a satisfying thud as it hit the cement floor. While he was down, I delivered a kick to the uninjured side of his rib cage. I could have done some real damage, but I pulled it at the last second and tapped him just hard enough he would remember this chat for the next few months whenever he moved.

  “You took her away from me because I was too dangerous, because I had nothing to offer her, and you put her in the hands of a lunatic. Good call, Hartman. Maybe you should have actually considered what she wanted.”

  He groaned, but quick as a striking snake, reached out and grabbed my ankle. I wasn't ready for the move, too caught up in finally being free to say all the things I had kept bottled up. I lost my balance when he jerked and toppled over onto my ass in an ungainly heap. Race climbed to his knees and I wasn’t surprised to see the glint of a knife in his hand. Obviously, he didn't think Nassir’s rules applied to him.

  “She’s my family. It’s my job to keep her safe. I failed with Dovie. I nearly lost Brysen. I wasn’t going to risk anything happening to Karsen. She was a kid, Booker. There was no way she knew what she wanted. I fucked up, but I will make sure that lunatic pays for lying to me and deceiving her.” He painstakingly climbed to his knees, keeping the knife out in front of him.

  I rolled my eyes and shifted so I was also on my knees. Even though he was watching me closely, he wasn't fast enough to dodge me as I threw myself at his waist, taking him back to the ground. I rolled us over so I was covering his back, and used my body weight to pin him while wrenching the knife out of his hand. I put my knee in his spine and grabbed a handful of his golden hair. He didn’t look like a king right now.

  No, he looked like a scared young man . . . one who knew someone else had the upper hand.

  I pushed Race’s face closer and closer to the ground until his nose was pressed against the concrete. “You broke the ‘no weapons’ rule. Maybe I should break the ‘no damage to your pretty face’ rule. How do you think Brysen would feel walking down the aisle toward a man whose face looked like raw hamburger? You think she’d still say ‘I do’ with a clear reminder standing in front of her of the only kind of life you can offer her? I can slam your nose so hard into this cement it shatters and shoves up into your brain. I didn't go to college like you, pretty boy, but I survived every single fight that came my way in the yard.”

  I used my hold on his hair to shove his face even harder into the ground. He wiggled furiously underneath me and I could hear him start to pant.

  “Are you afraid, Race? Are you scared?” I dug my knee deeper into his spine and flicked the tip of the knife in front of his huge eyes. “Do you feel helpless because someone more powerful than you has all the control?” I dragged the blade over his cheek and heard both he and Nassir scream my name.

  Race was fighting back furiously, but I was too big, and had too much anger fueling me for his efforts to gain any traction.

  “I want you to remember this moment. I want the terror and humiliation of being completely at someone else's mercy to sink in, golden boy. This is how you made me feel when you used my past against me. And this is how you made Karsen feel when you took her choices away from her. Right now, you are the king of the castle, but if you aren’t careful, I’m coming for your fucking throne. Stay out of my way and stop interfering with Karsen’s life. You leave the creep you infected her life with to me. She only shares her problems with me now.”

  I tossed the knife away and gave Race’s face one last kick against the floor to prove my point. He was going to have a goose egg the size of a golf ball on his forehead. Served him right if he looked ridiculous in all his wedding pictures.

  When I climbed off his back, he immediately scrambled to his feet and squared off against me. He put his hands on his hips and shifted his gaze between me and Nassir as if appraising which of us was a bigger threat.

  “I love Karsen. Everything I did was because I wanted to protect her. You have to see that.” He shook his head and rubbed his fingers over his forehead.

  “I protected her from the first day you hired me to keep an eye on her. You wanted to control her. There’s a difference. We’re done. She figured out your plans without any help from me. She’ll decide if she wants to forgive and forget on her own. I won’t stand in her way, but I’m not walking away again. I’ll fight you for her, Race. I’ll fight anyone who wants to get in my way. And I’ll win, because I’m the one with the most to lose.”

  I turned my back on him, because I wasn’t scared of him anymore. He didn’t have any power over me. We were equals.

  Nassir gave my shoulder a pat as I walked back to where he was standing. He handed over my shirt and gave me a little smirk.

  “I always wondered what it would be like when you fought for something that actually mattered to you. Your conviction has been a long time coming, my friend. I can’t wait to see what you do with it. You’ve always been reckless and lacked focus. Now that you have clarity and purpose, you may be the only person I could come to fear.” His honesty was humbling. The man had survived a childhood that was as bad as mine. He feared nothing and no one. Except for me. He gave me another pat and moved to head toward Race. “Go get your girl. I’m sure she needs you more than the rest of us do.”

  And I needed her.

  The thought of Karsen finally being mine did more to quicken my steps and lighten the weight I’d been lugging around for so long, more so than hearing Nassir tell me he could come to fear me. Knowing I might make the Devil nervous was something I used to long for. Now the only thing that even slightly mattered was making sure Karsen was okay.

  She was the beginning and the end of everything.

  Karsen

  “You are the only person I have ever trusted without question.” I faced off against Brysen, very aware that Noe was hovering between the two of us, dark eyes darting nervously between me and my sister. I did my best to harness the betrayal and rage coursing through my blood, but the struggle was very real.

  Brysen crossed her arms over her chest defiantly, her bright blue eyes blazing with a combination of guilt and fear. Race left the loft in a hurry after Nassir called and they both knew Booker was back in town. I was glad she was afraid for her man. She deserved to know what kind of hell Race had pushed Booker into over the last few years. I couldn’t drum up an ounce of sympathy for her at the moment.

  “I practically raised you, Karsen. I gave up everything to make sure you had as much of a normal life as you could. I protected you from everyth
ing Mom and Dad were doing to our family. I’m never going to apologize for having your best interests in mind. Putting you first has always been like breathing for me.” She lifted her chin and looked down her nose at me. It was her ice princess look, one I’d seen frequently when she was trying to put someone in their place. This was the first time she’d ever directed it at me.

  I took a step forward, and Noe immediately shifted. She was watching me like a hawk. I wasn’t exactly sure if she was there to watch my back or to keep me from going after Brysen. Either way, she was taking her job as my guardian very seriously.

  “I know how much you sacrificed trying to hold our family together. I know how much you lost by taking on the responsibility of raising me. However, none of it gives you the right to decide who’s allowed in my life. And it certainly doesn’t give you a vote when it comes to whom I give my heart to. Those choices are mine, and you took them away from me.” I pointed at her and narrowed my eyes as she started to chew on her lower lip in a familiar manner. She was the one I’d picked the habit up from when I was younger. “Dad gambled our home and belongings away. Mom stole our childhood and innocence from us. But you robbing me of what I could have had with Booker years ago, that's unforgivable. You took the one thing away from me I actually cared about holding onto.”

  Brysen shook her head, which sent her short hair whipping around her face. “It wasn’t love, Karsen. You were blinded by hero worship. It was a crush. If I didn’t interfere, you would have ended up stuck in this town, tied to a man who would do nothing but drag you down. I refused to let that happen. There is still hope for you to move beyond this terrible city and have a normal life. You deserve it after surviving everything our parents did.”

  I threw my hands up in frustration and practically growled, “I didn’t want to leave. I liked it here. I love the people who stepped up and became our family when the one we were born into failed. What I deserved was a shot at being happy and figuring out my place in the Point. I think you’re the one who wants out, Brysen. I think you are the one looking for a life beyond the Point, and you used me to have a taste of what you know you’ll never have as long as you love Race.”

  She gasped and rocked back a step. I saw Noe cringe but she also fell back a step so my sister and I were eye to eye.

  “I . . . you’re wrong.” But her voice wavered and she didn’t sound as certain as she had at the start of our conversation. “I wanted you to have the full college experience. I wanted you to meet people your own age, have fun. I wanted you to go to bed at night not having to worry about bullets and bloodshed.” Her voice rose and I watched as she started to shake. “I was desperate for you to have the experience that was taken away from me.”

  I sighed and lowered my hands until they rested on my hips. “But I never asked for any of that. The only thing I asked for was Booker.”

  She dropped her head and I heard her sniffle. “I know.”

  “Besides, that cookie cutter experience wasn’t for me. Aside from my friendship with Ari, I've been bored as hell the last four years. College was fine and I appreciate the opportunity you and Race worked so hard to provide, but I’m not meant for the easy road.” I snorted, which pulled her head up and I felt a twinge of guilt at the sight of tears rolling down her pale face. “And it wasn’t exactly the ideal picture you have in your head, Brysen. Race lied to me. He sent a watchdog after me. One who connived, manipulated, and lied in order to seduce my roommate so he could get close to me, and he’s been stalking me since the day I left. I was in just as much danger in Boulder as I was when I was living here. More so, since I didn't have Booker making sure everyone kept their distance.”

  We lapsed into a heavy silence that lasted a long time. Noe started to get antsy and eventually she threw her hands up in the air and declared, “Since it looks like you’re both going to be civil and no one is going for the jugular, I’m gonna bounce. I want to see what I can do to help Snowden track down the stalker. That’s a better use of my time than babysitting two grown ass women who are smart enough to figure their own shit out.” She started for the door but paused before pulling it open. “I think you all need to remember that love can make us do some really dumb things. It pushes us to extremes. Love amplifies all our feelings and reactions. It screams so loudly that it’s easy to miss the tiny whisper warning us we’re going too far, because love convinces us there is no line we can’t cross for the people we care about. Love isn’t always right, and it can be a real asshole sometimes.”

  She gave a little salute and slipped out the door. I cocked my head at my sister and quietly told her, “I missed getting to know her. I missed watching Stark fall in love and Reeve having her baby. I missed years with you and Race and helping you plan your wedding. My entire world is right here in the Point and you took all of that away from me.” I put a hand to my chest and took a calming breath. “I won’t even go into all the things I missed with Booker. But I will tell you, if you think for one second I’m going to stand idly by while Race threatens and terrorizes him, you have another thing coming. I learned how to be a threat from the best of the best. You don’t want me as an enemy.” I would be a formidable one.

  Finally, I had some idea of what I was going to be when I grew up. I doubted it was what Brysen had in mind when she pushed me in the direction of the life she’d been forced to abandon.

  Brysen’s head snapped back and I heard her gasp all the way across the room. I kept my eyes steady on hers and watched as she weighed the truth in my words. I owed her everything, but I was done giving up the one thing I wanted for myself in order to appease her or anyone else.

  “The only thing I ever wanted for you was an easy life.” We both had it once, before the gambling and the booze. But that was so long ago, I hardly remember a moment of it.

  “If I wanted an easy life, I would have found one on my own. I don’t need you to hold my hand anymore. I can cross the street, even the ones in the Point, all on my own.” I walked across the room so I was standing directly in front of her. She had to tilt her head back to meet my gaze. Her bottom lip was quivering and I could see she was barely hanging on. “I don’t want to hate you or Race. I don’t want to resent you and second guess every little thing the two of you say and do.” I arched my eyebrows at her. “That’s the way I've felt toward Booker for the last four years and it’s awful. The anger and mistrust eat away at your insides and it makes you a lonely, bitter person. Be my sister, Brysen. Not my keeper. Not my mother. Not my guardian angel. Same goes for Race. He can be my brother-in-law and my friend, but I don’t need him playing God with my life or my safety. I can take care of myself. He taught me how. And if I need backup, I have it. You both should have realized the best security blanket in the entire world is being loved by a guy like Booker.”

  She let out a raspy sigh and slowly nodded. “I know I need to step back or I’m going to lose you. I don’t think I could handle that. I don’t have anything to do with Dad, and Mom is still so fragile . . . it feels like our whole family is on the verge of shattering. For four years, I’ve tried to convince myself it was the right thing to do, even though it caused you so much pain and took you away from everyone who loved you.” She cleared her throat and ran her hand over her mouth. “You need to know this is on me. Race wouldn’t have had a hand in hurting you in any way, shape, or form if I hadn’t pushed and pushed.” She looked away and her shoulders slumped. “Maybe you’re right. Maybe I was living vicariously through you, because even when he told me this was eventually going to blow up in our faces in a big way, I refused to listen. I was convinced you would forget about Booker, and I honestly believed he would leave once you were gone. In my head, it all made so much sense.” She reached out and pulled me into a hug. She squeezed so tightly that I squeaked in protest. “Please, don’t back out of the wedding. I need you there. I can’t go through with this if you aren’t standing by my side. I have to have my family there.” Our dad wasn't invited, and it depended on the day if Mom
was going to be stable enough to leave the facility for the ceremony. If I bailed, I honestly believed it would break Brysen.

  I hugged her back and carefully removed myself from her near chokehold. “I’ll be there. But if either you or Race gives me shit about my date . . .” I shook my head and gave her a pointed look. “I’m gone and I won’t ever be back. I love Noah. I always have. He came for me despite being scared out of his mind he was going to survive or end up back in hell. He always comes for me, and now it’s my turn to go after him.”

  Brysen blinked in confusion until I hooked a thumb over my shoulder toward the door. “I’m not staying here. I want to forgive you, but it’s going to take some time. And I need some space. I’m going down to Booker’s place. He’s waited for me long enough.”

  My sister looked like she wanted to argue, but she thought better of it. We had a lot of lost time to make up for, but the canyon between us wouldn’t be so deep and wide if she hadn’t pulled the strings of fate the way she had.

  “Okay. Uh . . . if he hurt Race, can you let me know? I think the news might be easier to hear from you.”

  I huffed in aggravation and rolled my eyes. “He’s not going to hurt, Race. You don’t know my man at all.” He wouldn’t hurt Race, because ultimately it would hurt me, and Booker promised to never do that. I trusted him to never break a promise again.

  I walked down the hallway and climbed into the elevator. Instead of waving at the camera and offering a flirty grin, I glared at the glossy lens and suspiciously wondered who was watching me on the other side.

  I hurried out of the enclosure as soon as the doors slid open and made my way to Booker’s door. I wasn’t even sure he was coming back here. I had no idea what his plans were after he handed me off to Noe, but even if his apartment was empty, I needed to be surrounded by his things. I was drained after the conversation with Brysen, and I’d reached my emotional threshold for the year with the cross-country trip we weren’t sure we’d actually survive. I needed something solid. Something I had complete faith in. And that had always been knowing Booker would be there for me no matter what.