Surrounded by Idiots

by Thomas Erikson

  Unfortunately, he’s a frightfully bad listener, so I had to remind him of all the fun things we had done together and that I cared tremendously about him. I flattered him and congratulated him on his choice of a new car. I simply manipulated him. A little bit at a time, he began to thaw, and his body language became less defensive.

  Prepare Yourself for a Strong Defense Mechanism, Especially the Martyr Complex

  But even that wasn’t enough. Janne came back with comments like: “Nobody likes me,” “Everybody else is much more entertaining,” “I thought you thought that I was funny.” This was in addition to all the usual defense mechanisms, of course: He was only keeping the party going. It was everyone else who was quiet and boring. What was entertaining about an introverted wallflower? And talking too much—how was that a problem? On the contrary, it was actually a very nice quality. I pointed out that his performances left no room for others to speak or participate.

  A concrete example: At the latest dinner, Janne’s wife, Lena, was asked a question on five different occasions and every time it was Janne who answered. In the end, it was almost ridiculous. Everyone noticed this except Janne. Lena stopped talking completely.

  “But she took so long in answering! And I knew the answer!” He understood nothing. Or he chose to deliberately be slow on the uptake.

  Ask the Person to Repeat What You’ve Agreed To and Follow Up As Soon As You Can

  This is easier said than done. Both times we met right after our conversation, he was on the alert. At one point he remained silent during the entire party. Sure, it was a childish way to point out his misery, and it was clearly obvious that he was about to burst with frustration. Not allowing him to talk was like denying him oxygen. And what irritated him most of all was that no one around the table asked why he wasn’t saying anything. Couldn’t they see that he was putting on this show for their sake?

  What happened was that his wife began speaking more, and people really enjoyed her conversation because she was so pleasant.

  After a while, Janne went back to his usual self. It was the easiest way. He saw no direct benefit from keeping quiet. And Lena fell silent again. In Janne’s case, I valued our friendship more than trying to change his behavior. I never took up the issue again, but sometimes I take Janne breaks. I simply need to have a good rest from him. If he had been a coworker instead of a friend, I would have followed up several times to ensure he really made a change.

  Conclusion: Despite their flexibility and creativity, Yellows are actually the most difficult to change. They don’t listen and only implement changes that they themselves have thought of. What you need to do is massage their egos as much as you can bear and put words into their mouths.

  It’s worth remembering that their short memories also apply to hard feelings. Although they feel awful when criticized, they soon forget. They simply repress everything that is difficult or unpleasant. So if you can just cope with the groans and the moans and maybe a few tears in between, you can continue towards your goal. Achieving that change that will do you both a world of good.

  With patience and perseverance, you’ll eventually succeed.

  How to Give Feedback to a Green—but Think Twice Before You Do

  This is the section I would rather skip. Why? you may be wondering. Simple. Criticizing a Green can be cruel. They will feel bad and will simply withdraw and shut down. In general, they have weaker egos and can often be very self-critical. You don’t want to increase this burden even more.

  It’s important to note that there is a difference between being self-critical and changing and being self-critical and not doing anything about it. Many Greens roam through life wishing that things were different. But they rarely have the drive to do anything about it. So they continue to be dissatisfied. Sometimes I think that’s an end in itself, not to be satisfied. It’s a way to get some attention, to gain some power. I know many Greens who control everything and everyone in their families by simply refusing to do anything whatsoever. Psychologists call this being passive-aggressive—a very apt expression.

  However, if you would like to give feedback to a Green, here are some methods that might work. Just make sure that you’re really committed before you get started.

  Give Concrete Examples, and Use a Gentle Approach

  Of course, it’s always good to be concrete. The difference here is that a Green actually listens, which both previous colors did not. A Green hears what you’re saying and dislikes what he hears. But you have to be concrete, and you might be able to do this in the same way as with Reds—but in reverse.

  While it doesn’t work to tell a Red that you feel bad because of his behavior or that others feel ill at ease because of something he did, that’s precisely what works best here. A Green is a relational person and doesn’t like to offend. It may seem manipulative, but if a certain form of behavior makes you sad, angry, or just generally dejected say that. A Green person will sense your mood, and he’ll pick up what you are saying if you dare to be honest about it.

  Be Gentle, but Don’t Backpedal

  It is all about clarity again. If you have any shred of humanity, you’ll see how a Green falls apart the more you give him negative criticism. If you say to your partner that his constant habit of sitting in front of the television watching sports such as football makes you feel completely neglected and unloved, you’ll immediately see how much this news affects him. But then it’s important that you not backtrack on your statement and say things like “Maybe it’s not that bad,” or “I still have some projects I’ve been wanting to work on while you relax.” Dare to be clear, and go straight to the point.

  You need to convey your message in the right way. Clearly but softly. A hand on someone’s shoulder can be enough to send a signal that “we’re still friends, but I have a problem when you do this or that.”

  Deal with the Green’s Response “You’re Right—I’m So Stupid!”

  Total appeasement. A Green’s reaction when you tell him how you feel about his behavior is a variation on the Yellow’s martyr complex. A Green will prostrate himself, accusing himself of being all kinds of stupid things. Often there will be comments like “I will never do that again.” Severe compliancy is sometimes unavoidable, and tears may flow. Greens crush themselves with additional arguments about why they’re useless and stupid. They’ll kneel in your presence for weeks afterwards and try to placate you in all kinds of ways that have nothing to do with the issue at hand.

  I heard a story about a man who was told by his wife that she really hated that every single evening he simply had to spend a certain amount of time playing video games (a creature of habit). He admitted that it was childish, unnecessary, and costly. (He spent a considerable amount of money buying upgrades and features for the games.) He promised to be more attentive to her needs. He promised everything and more besides to make up for his dismal behavior. The following six months, he hurried home from work to do the cooking before she arrived. He bought her flowers once a week, and he massaged her feet without her even having to ask.

  Very sweet and very appreciated—except that he didn’t actually do what she asked him to, namely, to stop playing computer games. He had avoided accepting that particular detail. After all, he had never promised to stop straightaway.

  Be Sure to Explain That the Behavior Is the Problem, Not the Person

  As with Yellows, dealing with a Green is like dealing with young children—“Daddy loves you, sweetie, but can you please stop eating ice cream on the sofa?” The risk is that the negative feedback will damage your relationship with the person. But you can easily solve this by quickly coming back to the person with good news and positive feedback. In this case, it’s not enough just to say that you’re only concerned about one problematic issue. You need to show in action that you’re not planning to assassinate him. He must be reassured by what you do, not just by what you say.

  Ask the Person to Repeat What You Have Agreed On—and Follow Up!

&n
bsp; I’ve noticed that Greens don’t always write down what you say to them, so it’s a good idea to check with them to make sure you’ve both interpreted the conversation the same way. If you have a colleague and would like him to be a bit more punctual, make sure he understands that the only issue is his timekeeping. He may very well have gotten the idea that you were actually upset about something else entirely.

  We often assume others will behave the same way we would in any given situation. And because Greens can be quite vague when they speak to others and often avoid talking about the real problem, they frequently get the idea that you’re really talking about something else. They never go straight to the point themselves, so they assume you haven’t, either. So what could you possibly be so unhappy about?

  Make sure you’re both in agreement about what the problem is. And follow up. We’re talking about changing something and creating a new pattern of behavior. And, as usual, Greens will try to solve the problem by doing … nothing.

  Make sure that doesn’t happen!

  Conclusion: If you’re human, which I think you are, you may have a guilty conscience and think that you went at the Green guy way too hard. I remember one occasion when I argued with an employee because, in my opinion, she didn’t do what she was supposed to. Her reaction was to completely fall apart, and she didn’t come to work for two days. When we spoke about it afterwards, it turned out that I hadn’t actually asked her to do those specific tasks. I’d just assumed that she looked at things the way I did.

  I can admit that at the time I was an inexperienced and ineffective boss. I made a classic mistake—I looked at the situation through my own glasses and became furious when her glasses showed something else. And when I realized this later on, I felt quite ashamed of myself. She looked so distressed and went out of her way to avoid meeting me. For a long time I barely dared to say much more than hello and good-bye to her. She did what Greens are good at: She ducked down and did even less work than usual.

  Many Greens have an uncanny sixth sense that tells them when it’s time to take things extra easy. But here it derailed. This woman did virtually nothing at all because she could sense my guilt and hesitation. She simply took advantage of my bad conscience to get away with it. I lost her completely. In the end, she was laid off because she didn’t do her job and I was severely criticized by my boss because I hadn’t dealt with the issue.

  Make sure that you don’t make the same mistake I did. Don’t let things go too far. Address the problem while there’s still time. So stand up and deliver the negative feedback—even to the friendly Greens in your life.

  How to Give Feedback to a Blue—but First, Just a Word of Warning

  Before you try to give negative feedback to a Blue, for Pete’s sake, make sure you know what you’re talking about. Let me remind you that a Blue knows exactly what he’s done and he has a far better eye for details than you do. So make sure you have your facts ready before the thought even enters your mind. The section that follows deals with how to deliver feedback, but the biggest task here consists in finding out the details of what happened before you give any feedback.

  It may be a good idea to check things out with several other people who are involved in the issue and to document what they say and the facts they offer. The Blue will be able to quote everything and everyone, and he’ll always have proof that what he did was correct—after all, that’s why he did it. If it had been wrong, he wouldn’t have done it. Make sure you’re armed to the teeth before scheduling the meeting.

  Provide Specific, Detailed Examples, Preferably in Writing

  It’s not good enough coming in with sweeping phrases like “I think you’re working too slowly; can you please speed up?” That’s way too general. It doesn’t matter if you’re right or not—the phrase “working too slowly” says virtually nothing. Says who? Slowly in relation to what?

  What you need to do is point to specific accurate and detailed examples. You need to say things like “The latest project took sixteen and a half hours too long.” Then add up the effects this has had: “We can’t charge the customer for those sixteen and a half hours, which means that profitability has now fallen by $4,125 (16.5 × $250 per hour, or whatever you charge).

  This is a message that a Blue might take into consideration. If you were to present it this way to a Yellow it would never work, but for a Blue this is an extremely relevant piece of information. Because it requires detailed feedback, it would be risky if you were just to present it in a conversation. You need to have everything written down. Blues have a certain degree of distrust when it comes to people talking too much; the written word automatically becomes more true in their eyes.

  So write down what you want to say, but double-check everything. And why not actually ask someone else to check the numbers before booking your meeting with the Blue slow coach?

  Do Not Get Too Personal If You Don’t Know Each Other That Well

  A Yellow and a Green boss could easily pat a Blue on the shoulder and be personal in the run-up to a meeting where they are planning to give some tough negative feedback. The reason is simple—they know that they would react very negatively themselves if someone were just to jump straight into criticism without softening them up first. This is the worst way to approach a Blue. He’ll just get suspicious and won’t listen the way you want him to.

  Think about how a Red would have done things. He would simply have booked a meeting, sat down, and shoved the paper with the negative result at the person. (If he had such a paper. If it was about giving feedback to a neighbor about all the leaves that have blown into his garden, he would simply hand him a garbage bag with all the leaves and ask him to count them.) A Red won’t dress things up. He gets straight to the point. Usually, he won’t have any problem telling you that your work isn’t good enough. Having a project drag on is inexcusable, and because he hoped that everything would be finished a day earlier and not a day too late he’s now deeply upset.

  Stick to the Facts

  If you want to get through to a Blue, you need to stick to concrete facts. Each time you start feeling guilty about saying negative things and start speaking about how appreciated he is, you’ll confuse him. He’ll wonder what you’re really trying to say. He has no ego that must be inflated, and he will see right through your attempts to sugar coat the criticism you really have. So stick to the facts.

  Don’t try the famous sandwich method, used quite extensively by many managers and leaders. In order to defuse and soften a grave message (“you’ve lost too many customers,” “you’ve cost us money,” “you’ve been rude to Ben in Reception”), you should also say positive things (“you’re a valued employee,” “you usually do the right thing,” “I like you very much”) before and after the piece of criticism.

  The problem with the sandwich method, commonly known as “praise and blame,” is that no one understands your message. What did you really want to say? For a Blue, this will be particularly incomprehensible, because the positive feedback you wrapped your message up in was relational and perhaps emotional—not professional. Remember that he’s not there to be your pal, he’s there to do a job. Be sure to talk about that.

  Feel free to ask if he has any suggestions for improvement. Use words like “quality,” “evaluate,” “analyze,” “follow up.” Simply use the language he is used to. You will get through so much more easily.

  Be Prepared for Counterquestions at the Molecular Level

  Of course he won’t buy what you say straightaway. Surely it’s reasonable to give him the chance to ask some questions about what you’ve said. There’s a risk that you’ll face a host of counterquestions that will make you feel like you’re the one being evaluated.

  “How do you know?” “Who said that?” “How have you calculated this?” “Where does it say that it must be done that way?” “Why can’t I find this information on our intranet?” “Why did you wait until now to give me this feedback?” “Can I have a look at the supporting
documents?” Where’s the contract that regulates our billing?” “Are you sure we can’t add sixteen and a half hours to this bill?” “Hasn’t this been done before? I recall a customer four years ago who…”

  You might not be able to answer all his questions, so you must simply decide how deep you want to go. You can always say, “That’s just the way it is; go back to work now.” But this is the worst thing you can do, at least if you want to keep his confidence. The only thing you’ve proven is that you haven’t kept track of the details.

  Ask the Person to Repeat What You’ve Said—and Follow Up Soon Afterwards

  When I hold seminars on leadership, the issue of giving feedback is often raised. It’s an extremely complicated subject, because we allow our emotions to direct us when we give feedback (and receive it!). But for Blues I give the same advice as I do for other colors: Ask your Blue employee to repeat what you’ve agreed to. He needs to duly acknowledge that he has seen and heard the same things you have said.

  It’s very likely that he’ll be able to repeat everything more or less verbatim, but it’s just as likely that he hasn’t taken the message to heart if you were vague in your delivery or too fixed on protecting your relationship. He understands that he should repeat what he knows you want to hear him say. But this isn’t the same thing as him believing your negative feedback was relevant.