The Words to Bind (The Playgrounds Book 1)

by P. Stormcrow

  Ah-h and there was Cassie. Poor Cassie. The heated words today were a lash-out in pain and Luna tried her best to not take it personally. Yet, she could not help but wish she had done better for her friend. Now she wasn’t sure where to start—or if there was any path forward toward healing that rift. For August’s sake, though, she would try.

  Luna’s lips parted into an O at the last shot in the pile. It wasn’t one included in the proof package Eli had sent earlier electronically. Instead, it was a candid shot of the three of them in their robes, a close-up of their faces as they laughed. Luna racked her brain, trying to recall just what were they laughing over.

  On the lower corner was a small title, written in simple handwriting. Three muses.

  She was tired of crying but, nonetheless, she wept once more. Unlike earlier, though, these weren’t racking sobs that left her heart raw in pain. Instead, the tears came slower as she examined each bright memory she held close in her heart and remembered that she was lucky in having known him at all. She leaned back with care so as to not get the photos wet and held her mug of tea in one hand, taking a sip from time to time. She did promise Jacob that she would take care of herself and that meant keeping hydrated.

  Well, there was more she could do to honor August’s memory.

  She set her tea down and picked up her phone. Texting was a challenge one-handed.

  Hey, you awake? Can I call?

  The answer came back almost right away

  Sure.

  Luna hit the dial pad then lifted it to her ear. Lani picked up almost right away.

  “Hey, sweetie, what’re you doing up so late?”

  “I can ask you the same thing.”

  “Touché. What’s up?”

  “I was wondering if we can meet up some time soon?” Luna would be back at work the day after tomorrow. She just hoped she could handle it, but some semblance of routine might help her get back on track.

  “Sure. I’m not taking any clients yet but I’ll be in the office catching up on paperwork on Monday. Want to come over for lunch? Do you know where my office is?”

  Luna was hoping she could get Lani out somewhere for lunch but she could understand not being ready yet

  “Yeah, I think so.”

  “Great. I’ll see you Monday then. Now, go get some sleep.”

  “Okay, goodnight, Lani.”

  “Night, Luna.”

  She hung up and put the phone down then began gathering the photos. It would be the least she could do for a man who had given her so much.

  Chapter Thirty-Two

  “Lani?” Luna called out as she stepped into the empty office. The receptionist desk was empty, everything neatly stacked in its place. As she crossed the small waiting area, determination propelled her toward the only other door in the office.

  When she heard the sound of papers shuffling, Luna knocked on the door, paused then opened it a crack. She peered inside and sighed in relief when she caught a glimpse of red hair.

  “Ah-h. Come in.”

  Luna pushed the door farther out before her eyes widened. Lani sat on the floor, her back braced against her desk, her knees bent. Her one arm rested against one knee, and she was clutching at some papers she must have been reading. She rubbed her face, which was red from crying. The entire posture was so at odds with how Lani usually held herself that it caught Luna off guard and halted her steps.

  “Sorry for the mess,” Lani mumbled.

  “Don’t be.” Before her friend could get up, Luna closed the distance and passed her a paper bag of the sandwiches she’d gotten them for lunch. As Lani accepted it with a soft thank you, Luna joined her on the floor and took off her messenger bag.

  When Lani stared off into the distance, the paper bag already forgotten, Luna reached over and took the bag from her, taking out and pushing a sandwich into her friend’s hand. “You need to eat.”

  “Right. Of course.” With a brief smile, Lani unwrapped her sandwich and bit into it. Luna wondered, though, whether she tasted anything.

  “It’s a common misconception that grief dulls with time. It doesn’t, not at first, not for a long time. Instead, it hovers in the background. You think you’re doing better today, that perhaps it’s starting to get manageable, then some innocuous thing triggers a memory and the pain comes right back like a fresh, open wound.” Lani set aside the sandwich and Luna noticed that she hadn’t even put a dent in it. Jacob should worry about Lani more. Then again, she was sure he already was.

  Lani went on. “You learn these things when you’re getting certified for counseling. But it still comes as a surprise, like the rational brain is disconnected from the rest of you.” She raised a hand to tuck her hair behind her ear. “It’s not that I haven’t lost someone, but I don’t think I’ve ever lost with this much regret before.”

  The anguish in Lani’s voice washed over Luna and left her unsure how to respond. Luna could understand Lani’s feelings. Hadn’t she felt the same, to a lesser degree? But what could she say that wouldn’t sound trite?

  Nothing.

  So, instead, she put down her own sandwich and took Lani’s hand, giving it a gentle squeeze. The universal gesture, letting Lani know that she was there for her, seemed enough that Lani relaxed her shoulders. Lani’s squeeze back and her small smile, no matter how sad, eased Luna’s guilt a smidgen.

  Luna’s mind raced, however, trying to figure out the right time and the right words to lead into what she’d come to do today. But there was never going to be a right time, was there? She drew a deep breath and plunged ahead. Luna let go of Lani’s hand to pull the prepared manila envelope from her bag. “I have something for you.”

  A spark of curiosity flickered in Lani’s eyes as she took what Luna offered. While Luna felt encouraged by her friend’s reaction, she also braced herself as Lani opened it and began to tug out the contents.

  Beside her, Lani drew a sharp breath. “Oh, Luna.”

  “August wanted you to have these. He wanted to make it a surprise.”

  Lani nodded but said nothing in return as she examined each photo. From time to time, Lani would take one finger and trace August’s outline, as if in memory. A stillness descended on them as Lani gazed upon the images of the one she’d lost, a bittersweet smile tugging on her lips.

  “You know”—Lani’s voice cracked and she cleared her throat—“bondage was high on August’s list, but I’ve never been great at it. Jacob was going to start me on lessons this week.”

  Without another word, Luna wrapped her good arm around Lani and tugged her close. Her friend buried her face in her shoulder and it wasn’t until that moment that the tears came, for both of them.

  “I wish I’d had more time—even a day more. I’d have given him time from my life in exchange, if I could’ve.” The words came through muffled, punctuated by sobs.

  “I know, Lani. I know,” Luna whispered.

  “It was supposed to be my job to take care of him. I’d never gotten someone to take care of before—not this way.”

  Lani finally gave her raw pain form as she spoke her regrets. Luna listened, rubbing Lani’s back as Jacob often did for her—to soothe her, bearing witness to the mourning. It was the least she could do to honor her friends—both of them.

  By and by, there was nothing more to say but they remained that way for longer, taking comfort in each other’s presence. When Lani leaned back, Luna let her go, if only so she could clean her own face. Having only one usable hand was damn inconvenient.

  “Thank you,” Lani mouthed without a sound and gazed at the photo, brushing her fingers along the curve of August’s back in a light caress.

  “Luna…” Lani’s tone grew a little stronger, sounding more like her usual self. “I know you still have doubts about Jacob, but don’t make my mistake. Don’t let your fear of getting hurt stop you from what could be the most amazing experience of your life. I’m positive you and Jacob are good for each other. The future’s unknown. The risk is worth it.�
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  Lani flipped to another photo, arriving at one of August staring into the camera. Luna remembered that shot, in particular with how Eli had captured the intensity of his gaze. Was August thinking of Lani when he was posing for that?

  “There’re a lot of things I wish I’d done differently, but having August, even for the short time we had? That’s the one thing I would never regret. It was worth it. He was worth it.”

  * * * *

  Hours later, sitting at work, Lani’s words still echoed in Luna’s head.

  Hadn’t she been thinking along the same lines as she’d pored over August’s journal on Sunday? After the funeral, Luna had felt as if she had gained some clarity of mind, able to see a little beyond her grief. There had still been some crying, but it was no longer a haze of pain. She still wasn’t sure if she would be okay with the limit when the time came, but three years was a long time away. Lani was right. She couldn’t let the possible-future-Luna impede the present-Luna. The only thing she had to be careful of was to not appear as though she was trying to change his mind on the matter. It would not be fair to him.

  As a thought experiment, she tried to imagine what would happen if she was in Lani’s shoes and Jacob was the one who had passed away. The thought was unbearable.

  “Hey, Luna, are you okay?”

  Ted’s question jolted her out of her thoughts. It was about the tenth time he had asked her that day, but she recognized the worry on his face. It mirrored the number of texts he had sent her during her time off.

  “I’ll be fine. I promise.”

  Ted slung his backpack over his shoulders. It was leaving time, but Luna was still trying to play catchup after her time off.

  “Okay. If you need anything, anything at all, you speak up.”

  Her time with Lani had taught her something. Isolating herself didn’t help and she wanted to value every moment she had with everyone. “Lunch tomorrow?”

  The hope in Ted’s eyes lifted her spirits. “You bet,” he replied. “Hey, actually, Brandon was wondering if you wanted to come over for dinner some time this week? He’s in one of those perfecting-a-new-recipe streaks again and wants your opinion.” Ted put his hands together in a pleading gesture. “Save me. I swear if I have to eat his miso salmon one more time with him alone…”

  Luna laughed at his expression. It felt good to laugh. A small voice whispered that perhaps she should be ridden with guilt for doing so, but she shoved that demon away into a deep dark hole.

  “Dinner sounds great, and hey, if you don’t want to eat it anymore, that just means more for me! How about Thursday? I’m pretty sure Brandon’s not teaching that night.”

  “Sounds good. I’ll check with him, but let’s say Thursday for now.” Ted’s face softened. “I’m glad you’re okay, Luna.”

  “Thanks, Ted. Now get out of here before they find more work for you.”

  He gave a laugh and a wave. “’K. Call me if you need anything.”

  “Yes, Dad!” She waved him off.

  The office was quiet, most people having left for the day. Luna inhaled, even as her eyes fell on her phone.

  There was one more person to talk to, one more answer she had to give. She picked up her phone, beginning to compose a text, but she paused. She missed him. It seemed like a trivial matter, what three years later would look like. What she was certain of, in this single point in time, was that she missed him and wanted to be with him. The rest, they could figure out together. She trusted him enough for that

  She switched to the dial pad and called him instead.

  “Luna?”

  “Hello, Jacob. How are you? Is this a good time?” Pause. Take it slow. Don’t babble.

  “Sure, is everything okay?”

  “Yeah. Do you have time tonight to meet up and talk?”

  There was a slight pause. “Sure. Want me to come over?” She recognized the careful neutral tone in his voice and realized how ominous she sounded. No, she wouldn’t put him through that, even for an hour. That would make her a pretty bad sub, wouldn’t it?

  “Yeah. Give me about an hour? Have you had food? I’ll pick up something up for dinner on the way home.” She was about to say more but Jacob cut in with an exasperated sigh.

  “Luna, you’re still injured. If you want food, I can pick some up on the way over.”

  “I want you.”

  There was silence on the other end. Luna’s face grew hot as the seconds ticked by. There were a gazillion better ways to tell him, so why had she blurted it out like that?

  A small chuckle, however, warmed her heart. “Sweetheart, you still need food. I need food. But yes, you can have me too.”

  How the hell was she going to respond to that?

  “Still there?” he asked.

  She cleared her throat, hearing the teasing smile in his voice, and sank deeper into her chair. “Yeah, yeah I am.” Despite how flustered she was, Luna knew it was the right thing to do. August would have wanted this for her, but she was also doing it for herself.

  “All right. I’ll see you in an hour.”

  “See you.”

  Luna hung up, stared at her computer screen and rolled her eyes. Work catchup could wait. She rose from her chair with renewed vigor and stretched, mindful of her healing cuts and wrist. With one last glance at the clock, she grabbed her bag, slinging it over her shoulder, even as she checked inside.

  These days, she never left her home without August’s journal. It might seem odd to others but to her, it was like carrying a piece of her friend with her—a way to remind herself that, though he was gone, he lived on in their memories. He had changed her life and she would never let herself forget what he had done for her.

  As she settled into a seat on the bus, Luna retrieved the journal and opened it. She and August had been even more alike than she had first guessed and her favorite passages were those where he theorized about power dynamics and why they even existed. Some days, he thought it was a tie-over from biological survival instincts. Other days, he would note heavy cultural upbringings that would influence someone’s preferences. His musings went beyond the bedroom, enough to speculating dominance and submission as a sliding scale that all people fell on, regardless of whether they were in the lifestyle.

  She was still reading when she got off the bus and walked the short distance home. It took a lot of effort to tear herself from August’s fascinating thoughts but she needed to get ready.

  It was going to be one of the most important talks of her life.

  Chapter Thirty-Three

  The concept of a contract between two individuals in a power dynamic is a fascinating construct. We all know that there is no way for such a document to be legally binding, and yet it has become one of the most significant symbols of commitment within the community. It holds a strange power. To sign an agreement and later break it is not only to risk one’s reputation and earn social stigma but also to have one’s trustworthiness and integrity come into question. In other words, despite not being enforceable by legal means, the words in the contract bind the Dom and the sub together inexorably, nonetheless.

  The phone rang. This was it. Jacob was a short elevator ride away.

  Luna jumped from the couch and winced as the movement still jostled her broken wrist. As she crossed the room, she picked up the phone and smiled as she let him into the building. Eager to see him, she flung her apartment door wide open and stood, fiddling with her necklace. It was the one he had given her before the night at The Playgrounds. Wearing it felt right.

  As soon as the elevator doors parted, she couldn’t wait any longer. Her first few steps were hesitant, but soon she broke into a sprint, barreling down the hall and tackling Jacob in a hug as he stepped out.

  “Oof.” Jacob took a half-step back but wrapped one arm around her as she buried her face against his chest. He smelled of apples and cinnamon.

  “Hello, sweetheart. I missed you too.” He brushed by the top of her head with his lips and smiled, even
as moisture gathered in her eyes. When had she become such a crybaby?

  “Let’s head inside.” He nudged her back and leaned over to place light kisses on each side below each eye where she refused to let the tears fall. It was then that she noticed the large bag he held with one hand.

  “Whoops, sorry.” She released him with a step back then led him back to the apartment.

  “Let’s eat first.” From the moment they entered her apartment, Jacob took over and began herding her. First, after making sure she sat, he proceeded to withdraw the contents from the bag. Fortunately, she’d had the foresight earlier to set the table so that she had already neatly placed the plates and utensils.

  “I was off early today and too much takeout is not a good idea.” Two large Tupperware containers came out before he brought out a third one. He opened the first two, one containing rice, the other a chicken stir-fry.

  Jacob had cooked a meal for her? Luna tried not to swoon. Wait! What was in that third container? She tried to take a peek.

  “It’s a surprise for later.” With a smirk, he set it aside and began dishing out the food, heaping a generous portion onto her plate.

  When he pushed the plates across the counter toward her, Jacob paused, tilting his head to one side to make out the journal Luna had left in the open. “What’s this?”

  “Oh.” Luna touched the edge of the leather cover. “I was reading a little before you got here.” To distract herself from jitters, but she would never admit that out loud. “It’s August’s journal as a sub. Madelyn gave it to me at the funeral and said August would have wanted me to have it.” Her smile was wistful. “I suppose August’s still helping me, even when he’s not here anymore.”

  “That’s a good way of looking at it. I’m glad you have something of his.” Jacob kissed her on the temple as he came around and took a seat next to her. “Now eat.”

  She didn’t hesitate. The first bite was lovely, with just the right amount of teriyaki sauce and not too overwhelmingly sweet. Her body was craving the fuel she needed to heal and, in no time, she was done, even ahead of Jacob.