You can only maintain the act for so long, until you grow exhausted and resentful.
What will happen to your target:
They will either believe you're trying to push them away, or will try to get the "real you" back. Leading them to dig deeper into their obsession. (Just like any other case. These are always the responses.)
How to handle this:
Find a way, any way to get out. If you show them your true colors, they may either be repulsed, or much more intrigued. First, you'll have to test the waters with this one. See if they enjoy the real you. If they don't, it's time for you to exit out of this relationship.
However, if you are just as obsessed, continue to fake who you are, with the added version of you
. Eventually you may even become this person. Refer to the section, in the conclusion "Leave them obsessed forever."
guilt
"I've got a bad case of the 3:00 am guilts - you know, when you lie in bed awake and replay all those things you didn't do right? Because, as we all know, nothing solves insomnia like a nice warm glass of regret, depression and self-loathing."
-D.D. Barant, Dying Bites (The Bloodhound Files, #1)
Years later, guilt lingers through my heart. I didn't think I had one, until all this guilt came rushing through it.
Commonly, guilt means that a part of you or all of you doesn't value what you are doing. Our subconscious mind sends us feelings and emotions simply because it is trying to send you a message.
The message for guilt, would be: this is wrong. And, you know it.
I lived with a man, we'll call him Baldie. We never had sex. We didn't even kiss. We cuddled once or twice for the year I've known him. During that year, I've made it clear we weren't to have sex. Especially have an exclusive relationship. We were only going to be friends. As months went on, he was growing resentful and so was I. I thought he'd possibly hurt me physically, so I would hide in the restroom every time I knew he was coming home.
I grew sick and exhausted of him. I needed an excuse to leave his house. Without an explanation. He made one comment, and I used it as an excuse to walk away. I just told him it was over. He called me with the sniffles, begging me not to leave.
I miss all the times we had. He would let me speed in his car. We would hang out all night going on crazy adventures, the kind of adventures no one else would consent to, and talk. I was beginning to like him as a person. If only, he was younger, and attractive. We would've been together.
I drive by his area, and sit by the lake where he lived and just ponder on if I should just knock on his door and beg for forgiveness. How would he react?
That's another thing, you don't want to apologize and seem like the "weak" one. You don't want to give any power to them. As a result, you don't. My ego and pride are too big to let go of all the power. Yours will grow just as big.
How to deal:
Know and accept that you feel guilty.
Forgive yourself.
Don't do it. Again. Although on this one, I am going to say it'll difficult to overcome. Power trips are like fun drug trips. They feel incredible and surreal. You don't want it to end, when it does, you NEED it back. You'll realize how fun it was, to seduce someone strongly. It might not even be the power itself, it might just be the entire process of getting someone to fall for you. You'll miss the power. If you feel completely guilty, than this isn't your cup of tea.
why aren’t they trying to win me back?
Things are rocky in your seduction, and you want out. Once you tell your target you want out, they seem indifferent. You were expecting them to come after you, try to win you back, put up a fight, and change your mind. But, no reaction out of them.
A part of you (mainly your ego) will suffer. From feeling like you didn't do a good job. Or, you just weren't worth trying to win over.
Your ego may not believe this, but, you shouldn't feel bad. Why? Because it has nothing to do with you.
However, everything to do with your expectations. You're probably expecting every single person to worship you.
Truth is, not everyone will fall for you.
So, here are some other harsh truths about your expectations that you may or have not noticed:
You're allowing this situation to define who you are, and your worth. Because if you can control someone's mind and emotions. How could you not feel worthy? Truth is, sometimes life isn't going to go the way you planned it. And, if you let it get to you, you're the one who becomes obsessed.
How to fix this:
Work on your self-esteem, negative beliefs about power, and self image. Love yourself unconditionally.
Second harsh truth: you might be a perfectionist. We all know what a perfectionist is. Again, it also has to do with self-esteem. Perfectionists will create the perfect strategy. Unfortunately, there will be an imperfection at least once. Perfectionists are perfectionists because they believe they should be perfect to be worthy.
How to fix this:
Imagine the worse case scenario. What would happen if you just let things be? Is the world going to fall apart, without you trying to control it? Let go of control. Control is an illusion.
Third: your beliefs about love are unrealistic and social conditioning, which doesn't make it true. The media portrays love to be such a magical wonderful thing. Something esoteric, and beyond our control. Love is just a chemical, and a feeling. Just like anything else. So if they don't come running back for you to beg for your love, don’t take this one personally.
The solution:
Change and challenge your conventional beliefs about love. You'll find most of it, is complete bullshit.
Reasons why they may not be trying to win you over:
1) They expected to be abandoned.
2) They don't want to give you any power by telling you to how much they miss you. Because you'd win.
3) They don't want to look desperate.
4) They had other options, and you weren't worth fighting for.
5) They don't believe in fighting. They may have came to peace with it, and just let it go.
6) Their service provider, or internet aren't working, or haven't been paid for.
7) This person has just given up on everything. They're indifferent.
8) They're confident. Confident people know that well fuck it, if they're not going to answer or reply, I'm not going to waste my time.
9) In the second series of my book I talk about attachment styles. Attachment styles are how people attach themselves in relationships. One attachment style is the avoidant attachment. Meaning they will, and can shut down emotionally. They don't have a hard time saying good bye. As the event starts to sink in, that you're out of their lives, they'll feel remorse, but may not try to get you back. Because, they're avoidant. A part of them may even feel relief.
10) They've met someone else.
11) They've already had someone else.
12) They lost their phone
Or the “worst” of all..
They just don't give a fuck about you.
As you can see. Most it has nothing to do with you. We're all projecting our experiences and beliefs onto other people. If you don't have any expectations, you won't be disappointed.
Falling into your own trap: falling in love
This has got to be the worst one. When you fall in love, you've gotten sucked into your own game. Sometimes you'll be absorbed by all the fun, the passion, the desires that fuel your body. Sometimes you'll be so sucked in, you'll start trying to convince yourself you ARE in love. When you aren't.
Just know that sometimes the way someone feels may rub off on you.(Mirror neurons.) And you may feel someone else's feelings that aren't yours. Or you believe your infatuation is love.
Action:
Think about your psychological factors that may drive you to become obsessed. Not saying your feelings are not valid. Of course they're valid. But, try to find a distinction between real love and infatuation.
Wha
t's the difference?
Real love is when you love the person for who they are. When you can see past the chemicals in your brain, and see past your psychology. Fake love is when you project your fantasies onto someone else and think you're in love. Or they fulfill a certain need, or remind you of a past lover and you believe you're in love.
The real difference between the two is that the first one is selfless. But the second one is all about you
Here's an example:
When I met Tom online, I thought he was the one for me. We even contemplated spending the rest of our lives together. I had dropped all of the men I was talking to. Just for him. After a week I blocked him. I realized that it wasn’t love, but the beginning of obsession.
He reminded me of my boyfriend who had passed away. I had the upper hand. He was that small town kid. Since I'm a visual person, and I can be insecure about my looks. His looks were incredibly important. He was the jock, and I was his cheerleader. This was all perfect. But these are only ideas of him. Not who he truly is. Who he is, is someone I would never fall for. I only fell for the illusion. Like most people do.
Who was seduced here?
You think you're in control, then abruptly, your target does something to one up you. All of a sudden, they become more dominant. Or, they do something to charm you, that you could've done.
I was always attracted to the innocent type. One innocent male we'll call "Eric" challenged me. He told me "You can never conquer me." On the surface, I showed no emotion. Internally, images of conquering him flooded my mind. Eventually, I did conquer him. He was a virgin, with a disability. One day, we were "dirty talking." Initially, he was in shock. Later, he became complacent. And, exceedingly better than I was. This infuriated me.
Was your target in control? Or, was it me?
I get so used to being in control, and performing the pursuing. Having people feel like they were the luckiest people in the world, and having them ejaculating in their pants right the second I touch their arm. I felt like I had lost all control. As if he was the one who had seduced me. I hated it. I hated feeling like I lost all control.
My advice:
Even though this is about control, try to let go of control. I know this may sound contradicting. Yet, you need to let go of the expectation of control. If someone doesn't fulfill that need and expectation for you to control them, you're left disappointed. So let go. Come into this game with a light heart. Don't take it too seriously, or your ego may have some serious damage done to it. If you didn't get to control the person, at least, you came out of it learning a few rules.
Remember, you only learn from doing.
Analysis paralysis
Analysis paralysis occurs when a person becomes cast away in the examination and analysis of information, as a result this person becomes paralyzed with information, and may not be able to make a decision. And is bombarded with information overload.
Story:
In psychology, there is always a reason behind someone's behavior. There is a reason for everything, in psychology.
Every time I interacted with someone, I was always analyzing things. I was never like this before I started learning psychology.
Then I hit rock bottom. I started analyzing not just people, but everything. People found me to a "joy kill." Because the so called outcome of my analysis, was always something negative. My body was physically tired, but my mind was constantly analyzing. It never rested. There were times when I just wanted to take a gun to my head to silence my mind.
Why?
This is like a snowball. One thought or piece of information will roll down a hill, thoughts and more pieces of information will add to it, the snowball rolls down and get bigger. Thus, the analysis will paralyze you.
Our minds are constantly over working, and we are taught to "think about it." Instead of relaxing, and just doing what we know best and what feels right. Sometimes when we aren't thinking, we feel guilty. We feel as if we should be over thinking. It's a part of our collective unconscious behavior.
How to handle this:
Being in the present moment helps because it takes you out of your own head. And, helps you let go of control. Sometimes, people over analyze everything because it helps them believe they are control of things whether they realize it or not.
Sometimes, some things are better left unknown, you've just got to remind yourself of that. Even ask yourself, "Do I want to know?" "Do I care about analyzing something when I don't need to know?"
Ponder those questions.
Lastly, with all the knowledge, strategies, and options you have, how can you decide what to do with it?
Identity/existential crisis
An identity crisis is when someone (not just an adult) question their sense of identity, and seek to gain a clearer picture of who they are, and how they fit into this world.
An existential crisis, is similar to an identity crisis, except we question our existence, what the meaning of our existence is, and why we belong here.
Depending on how many people you've seduced, you've now experienced playing many different roles. Sometimes you get lost in playing these roles, you don't even know who you are anymore.
When you identify with an identity, and you lose that identity or something challenges it, you begin to experience an identity crisis. Identity crisis happens because of circumstance. The loss of something, or someone.
Example:
One day I was sitting in the car toward lunch with my family. I was too busy texting all my admirers. Then, my aunt turns to me and says "Don't you ever stop and take a break? It's like you're in demand, everyone needs to talk to you." says my aunt with a giggle. I didn't reply, but I thought to myself. "Well, I play all these men. One day the player will get played. [me.]"
I chuckled at that thought, but considered it a possibility. One of the boys I was texting, seemed so sweet and innocent. I began to trust him, and didn't expect much from him. I trusted him so much I went back to his place. A backstory about him, he obsessed about seeing the pictures on my phone. So, he persistently asked to see my phone. Subsequently, after we fooled around he asked if he could see my phone. I didn't say anything. Then he continues to say "if you fear me seeing your nudes, I've already seen you naked. The novelty is over." He smirked. I shot him a dirty look. Quickly realizing he had fucked up he said "I'm kidding. Quietly." To make matters worse, his parents were dropping us off at the subway and his father asked him if he was going to the mall today. His mother laughed, and I quickly caught on. I felt ashamed. Considering, he told his parents that we had met at the mall. Even though it was online. Suggesting, this is a routine for him.
Ironically, getting played happened sooner than I speculated. When I got home, I realized I was the player who got played. Because I thought he wasn't a player. Although, I had a suspicion he was the player. Yet, I denied it, because I wanted to believe his exterior was his interior (the pure innocent one.) Just that tiny event caused me to have an identity crisis.
Additionally, he was disfigured, because he believed things were going right. And, I've given him a puzzle to solve by just walking away. As much as I knew he wanted to come running to me, I couldn't help but still feel like I was having an identity crisis.
How to address a multiple identities crisis:
Determine who you want to be. What works for you, and what doesn't work for you. This is a chance for you to figure out who you are and who you want to be. You won't know if you haven't tried it. Considering, you've played multiple roles, you'll know which roles you'd like to be a part of your identity. And, which ones you don't like. Don't see this as a dreadful circumstance. You'll never grow from in a state of "happiness" all the time. You'll need some imbalance from time to time.
How to address the one identity crisis:
You've stuck with the one identity and now that you feel as if you've lost it, or something is challenging it. Do not resist this. Things in your life are changing. You don't need to identify w
ith this identity anymore. It may not be serving you, any longer. See this as a blessing in disguise.
Here's what you'll need to do: figure out what it is you're identified with. Write it down. Record it. Tell someone. Then dis-identify with it. Detach from these identifies and diversify your identities. Practice the art of non attachment.
For example if you're some big finance guy or gal, be a beach bum. Be a tennis player. Be the hippie. You don't have to confine yourself to one identity. In fact, you can be whoever you want to be. You can still be these different people but don't attach yourself to it. Realize and accept that these things happen.
With all of this in mind, you will experience an existential crisis due to the fact that what you are learning about, in this book are about the human façade. You’ll begin to question your existence (if you haven’t already). This is perfectly normal. Expect it, and your existential may give you freedom. I have an existential crisis almost every day, and it’s liberating to know I can make my life whatever I want it to mean. I don’t need to assign some big crazy thing, or an intense circumstance to trigger my search for self. I choose what I want my life to be. If it’s going to be about burritos, then so be it. This is how I handle my existential “crisis.”
apathy
Once I learned about how to seduce people, I learned that everything was just psychology. I felt like I had lost that spark when interacting with other people. I just became indifferent. As a matter of fact, I didn't care that I didn't care.
How To Make Someone Fall In Love With You, Forever; How to Make Someone Obsessed With You Page 12