The Tale of Tales

by Giambattista Basile

CICCO: The butcher sells you an old, sickly billy goat for the finest of mutton, an ancient ox for a heifer, and he displays all of it covered with gold leaf and flowers so that your mouth waters; he sells bones for flesh, and he doesn’t respect the official price list, and always adds more than a little something20 to what you’ve got, and when it’s time to weigh, may God help you! He plays games with his fingers, and the scales go down.

  NARD.: It’s enough to make your lungs explode! That’s why they look like barons on feast days.

  CICCO: The oil seller tries to blind you when he’s measuring out; and to show you that he’s pouring your oil right to the top, all the way to the mark, he presses the bottom of the measuring cup in, and pushes it up so that it’s higher than the hump on his back. He always mixes flour with his oil, which gives it body and color: you see a golden foam, and only when you fill a nice oil cruet do you find the dregs; in fact, you find a mixture of water and sludge which, when placed in a poor dark lamp, farts and fires.

  NARD.: There’s not a span that’s clean; everything good is past: corrupt world, how you’ve changed!

  CICCO: The tavern keeper’s carafes are half empty; he trafficks about all night, and if he finds a barrel that has a touch of sourness or mold, he treats it with a poultice of egg whites. But above all, he cuts the good wine with the bad, he turns vinegar into Asprinio21 and even water into wine, and he covers the spout of the carafe with his fingers and blocks your vision so that you never see the sorry way he’s measuring.

  NARD.: Oh, wretched are those who meet up with him, for they need a stomach of iron and a gullet of gold!

  CICCO: The tailor skims from the cloth, and with every cut sees if there’s a cut for himself. He uses yarn in place of silk, and if you take him along when you go to make purchases, he wears a needle on his chest22 and after coming to a generous agreement with you goes back to the merchant for his own business. But this is nothing yet: he cheats you on the list of expenses so that when you read the bill you curse the unfortunate moment you decided to dress well.

  NARD.: O blessed, O happy animals, who can go naked through forests, valleys, plains, and mountains, and who do not live subject to this ruination!

  CICCO: Now hear about the rag sellers at the Giudecca.23 If you get the whim to sell something, there you’ll find a whole gang in cahoots who’ll seize you by your throat. If you buy a piece of clothing, as soon as you put it on you’ll find it in pieces; it’ll last from Christmas to Saint Stephen’s,24 and with injury and scorn, you go from elegant to disdained in the same day. But why play so many keys? It would take a ream of paper to list all the trades that render honor to this hook, and all the gaunt and impoverished people who have used it to become fat and rich!

  NARD.: Accursed invention that poisons honor and because of which truth is darkened and trust blackened!

  CICCO: Say what you like, but everyone makes use of it! May I die strangled by a rope if I don’t buy one myself today!

  NARD.: Oh, better if you had a heart attack! If you use the hook in this world, the hook will pull you straight down to the bottom.

  I couldn’t say if the head or tail of the delicious gelatin of this day was more pleasing, since if one was tasty, the enjoyment caused by the other went all the way down to the bone marrow, and the prince’s delight was so great that, to show that he was truly as kind and generous as a lord, he called the head of his wardrobe and ordered that the actors be given the lining from an old hat that had been his grandfather’s. And since the Sun had been called in a hurry to the other pole to assist its states, which had been occupied by shadows, they all got up and set off down the road to their pallets, with the charge to return in the morning to the usual place for the same appointment.

  End of the fourth day.

  V

  THE FIFTH DAY

  The birds were already reporting to the ambassador of the Sun on all the tricks and traps that had been prepared during the night when prince Tadeo and princess Lucia delivered themselves bright and early to the usual place, where, at a whistle, nine of the ten women arrived. Seeing this, the prince asked why Iacova had not come, and when he was told that she had fallen seriously ill—to her health!—he ordered that another woman be found to take the place of the missing one. And so as not to go too far abroad they summoned Zoza, who lived across from the royal palace. She was received by Tadeo with great regard due both to his obligations and to the affection he felt for her.

  Then she and the others picked flowered calamint, lavender, five-leafed rue, and some of this and some of that; one of them made a garland, as if she were to recite a farce, another made a little nosegay, another affixed an overblown rose to her breast, and another put a flecked carnation in her mouth.

  But since there were still nearly four hours before the day would be split in half, to help ripen the time before they stuffed themselves the prince ordered that some games be played as entertainment for his wife. He gave the task to Cola Iacovo the steward, a man of great ingenuity, and as if his pockets were full of invention he found one right away, saying, “Those tastes that are without some element of advantage, my ladies, have always been insipid. For this reason entertainments and evening gatherings were not devised for worthless pleasure but also for tasty profit, for such manner of games serve not only to pass the time but also awaken and quicken the wits for making decisions and answering what is asked of one, precisely as happens in the game of games1 that I thought we would play, which goes like this: I’ll propose to one of these women here a sort of game, and she, without thinking about it, will immediately have to tell me that she does not like it and the reason why it is not to her liking; and whoever takes too long to answer or does not answer to the point must pay a penalty, which will be whatever penance our lady the princess commands. And so, to begin the game, I would like to play trionfiello2 with madam Zeza, for half a penny!” And Zeza immediately answered, “I don’t want to play, because I’m not a thief!” “Well done!” said Tadeo, “for those who rob and kill are the ones who triumph!”

  “If that’s how it is,” replied Cola Iacovo, “I’ve got a coin worth four and a half that I’d like to use to play break-the-bank with madam Cecca.” “You’re not getting me,” answered Cecca, “for I’m no merchant!” “She’s right,” said Tadeo, “because this game is made for them.”

  “At least, madam Meneca,” continued Cola Iacovo, “let’s spend a couple of hours playing malcontent.” “I’m sorry, but that’s a game for courtiers!” answered Meneca. “She hit the nail on the head,” said Tadeo. “That breed of people never does anything with good humor!”

  “I know,” Cola Iacovo resumed, “that madam Tolla will play four corners with me for six old coins.”3 “Heaven save me!” answered Tolla, “that’s a game for husbands who have bad wives.” “You couldn’t have answered better,” answered Tadeo. “This game is made for them, since so very often they butt horns like billy goats.”

  “At least, madam Popa,” replied Cola Iacovo, “let’s play twenty figures, and I’ll give you my hand.” “I wouldn’t think of it,” answered Popa. “That’s a game for flatterers!” “She has spoken like Orlando,” said Tadeo, “for flatterers make twenty or thirty different figures for themselves and transform whenever they want so that they can swindle a poor prince.”

  Continuing, Cola Iacovo said, “On your life, Madam Antonella, let’s not waste our time, but let’s play ‘taxes’ for a nice plate of fritters.” “You’ve really hit on it!” answered Antonella. “It’s a good thing you’re treating me like a mercenary woman!” “She’s not wrong,” said Tadeo, “for that breed of women often ends up being taxed.”4

  “Go get her, Evil One!” continued Cola Iacovo. “I’m beginning to imagine that the hour will go by without my having any amusement, if madam Ciulla doesn’t play summons for a measure of lupins.” “What, you think I’ve become a cop?” answered Ciulla. And Tadeo immediately added, “She h
as given a truly royal response, since it’s the duty of bailiffs and cops to issue summons to the court.”

  “Come over here, madam Paola,” Cola Iacovo went on, “and let’s play picket for three times five.” “You’ve missed the mark,” answered Paola, “for I’m not a court gossip!” “This one here has a doctorate,” answered the prince, “for there is no place where honor is more piqued than in our homes.”

  “Without a doubt,” resumed Cola Iacovo, “madam Ciommetella will be content to play pushcart with me.” “Fiddledeedee!” answered Ciommetella. “A fine schoolmaster’s game you’ve found for me!” “This one has to pay the penalty,” said Cola Iacovo, “since the proposal has nothing to do with the answer.” “Go get your money back from the master!” answered the prince. “The answer is a marvelous fit, since pedants play so well at pushcart that even if they lose five points, they put it down as a game won.”

  But Cola Iacovo, turning to the last of the women, said, “I can’t believe that madam Zoza5 would refuse an invitation as the others have done; and so she will give me the pleasure of playing take-off-your-pants with me for a silver coin.”6 “Watch out for your legs,”7 answered Zoza, “that’s a child’s game.” “Now this one does have to do the penance,” concluded Tadeo, “because even old people play this game; and so, madam Lucia, it’s up to you to give her the penalty.”

  And Zoza got up and went and knelt before the princess, who as penance ordered that she sing a Neapolitan villanella. When a tambourine had been brought and as the prince’s coachman played a cither, she sang this song:8

  If you thought you could hammer on me

  and I would get the runs

  just because you put on airs and wrinkle your nose,

  go on, my girl, for March has ruined you!

  The time is past when Berta spun

  And the bird ploughed,

  And I feel neither the arrow nor the flame of Love:

  Patria has opened up; there’s no more mother now!

  Go on, even the kittens have opened their eyes,

  And the crickets are now awake;

  If you give no hope to this beauty,

  Be on the watch for misfortunes, wherever you run and stick it!

  I’ve cut my wisdom teeth,

  And I move to your nod no more,

  And by now I can tell the figs from the garlic!

  Get it out of your head: there’ll be no more cuts for you!

  The song and the pleasure of all those listening to it ended at the same time the tables were set, and if what they gobbled down was good, what they drank was even better. But when their stomachs had been sealed and the tables removed, Zeza was ordered to give the start to the tales. And even though she was tipsy and her tongue had grown quite thick and her ears quite small, at the end she paid her debt, speaking in this manner:

  1

  THE GOOSE*

  First Entertainment of the Fifth Day

  Lilla and Lolla buy a coin-shitting goose at the market. A neighbor asks to borrow it, and when she sees that it’s the opposite of what it should be, she kills it and throws it out the window. The goose attaches itself to a prince’s ass while he’s relieving himself, and no one but Lolla can remove it; for this reason the prince takes her for his wife.

  “That great and respectable man emitted a great sentence when he said that an artisan envies other artisans, a toilet cleaner other toilet cleaners, a musician other musicians, a neighbor other neighbors, and a pauper the penniless,1 since there’s not a hole in the edifice of the world where the accursed spider of envy does not weave its web. For envy feeds on nothing other than the ruins of our fellow creatures, of which you’ll hear more particularly in the tale that I’m about to tell you.

  “There once were two sisters who were so flat on their face that they managed to survive only by spitting on their fingers from morning till night so that they could spin a little yarn to sell. But in spite of this miserable life, the ball of need wasn’t able to hit the ball of honor2 and send it off the table. And so the heavens, which are as open-handed when they compensate for good as they are tight-fisted when they punish evil, put into these poor girls’ heads the idea of going to market to sell a few skeins of yarn and, with what little they got for it, buying a goose. When they had done this and brought the goose home, they grew to love it so much that they treated it as if it were another sister, even letting it sleep in their bed.

  “And when morning breaks it’s a nice day, for the good goose began to shit hard cash until, shitload upon shitload, they had filled up a whole chest. There was so much shit, in fact, that the two sisters began to raise their heads and see their fur shine, so that one day when they had gathered to gossip, certain neighbors of theirs said to themselves, ‘Have you noticed, sister Vasta, how Lilla and Lolla, who just a few days ago didn’t have a place to die in, have now polished themselves up so fine that they’re parading around like ladies? Do you see their windows, always full of chickens and pieces of meat that they display in front of our noses? What can have happened? Either those two have opened the barrel of their honor or else they’ve found a treasure!’ ‘I felt like a mummy when I saw them,’ answered Perna. ‘They used to drag themselves around half dead before, and now they’re at the top of the pole and back in the running, and it all seems like a dream to me.’

  “They said these things and others, and spurred on by their envy they made a hole between the wall of their house and the rooms of the two girls so that they could keep a secret watch on them and give their curiosity a meal or two. And they played spy for so long that one evening—when the Sun beat the boats of the Indian Sea with the whip of its rays so that the hours of the day might have a holiday—they saw Lilla and Lolla spread a sheet on the ground and put the goose on it. When the women at the hole saw the goose begin to squirt out streams of coins, their pupils almost popped out of their eyes at the same time as their gullets nearly flew out of their mouths.

  “And in the morning—when Apollo, with his golden rod, implored the shadows to retire—Pasca, one of the women, went to see the girls, and after chattering and shilly-shallying around, with a thousand twists and turns she came to the point and begged the girls to lend her the goose for a couple of hours, since she had bought a few goslings of her own and thought that their goose might make them feel more at home. And she spoke and begged with such skill that, in part because they were good-hearted and didn’t know how to say no, in part because they didn’t want their neighbor to grow suspicious, those two simple-minded sisters lent it to her, with the agreement that she would bring it back right away.

  “The woman went to find the other neighbors, and then without delay they spread a sheet on the ground and put the goose on it. But instead of revealing in its foundations a mint that coined new currency, the goose opened up a latrine pipe that decorated the linens of those poor women with a yellow soil whose smell wafted through the whole neighborhood the way that on Sundays you can smell the stews cooking. When they saw this the women thought that if they treated it well it might work better than a philosopher’s stone3 to satisfy their desires, and so they fed it everything that they managed to stuff down its throat. Then they put it on another clean sheet, but if at first the goose had revealed itself to be of lubricious intestines, it now gave evidence of having dysentery, since it had all that food to digest. At this, the indignant neighbors became so enraged that they wrung the goose’s neck and threw it out of the window into a little back alley where no one ever stopped but where everyone threw their garbage.

  “But as fate, which sends up beans where you least expect it, would have it, a king’s son was passing by those parts on his way to the hunt, and his intestines began to rumble so badly that he gave his sword and horse to a servant and entered into that little alley to unload his belly. When he had completed the service, he couldn’t find any paper in his pocket with which to wipe himself and,
seeing the freshly killed goose, he used it as a rag.4 The goose, however, was not dead, and it grabbed hold of the poor prince’s flesh with its beak. The prince started to shout, at which all his servants came running and tried to pry it off his flesh, but this was not possible because it had attached itself like a feathery Salmacis to a hairy Hermaphrodites.5 And so the prince, not able to stand the pain and seeing that the efforts of his servants were thrown to the wind, ordered that they carry him in their arms to the royal palace. There he summoned all the doctors, and after they conducted an on-the-spot inspection they made every sort of attempt to find a remedy for this mishap by applying unguents, employing pincers, and sprinkling powders. But when he saw that the goose was a tick that quicksilver could not detach6 and a leech that vinegar could not remove, the prince issued a proclamation: whoever was able to remove that pain in his ass would be given half his kingdom, if a man; if a woman, she would be made his wife.

  “You should have seen the flocks of people who came to stick their noses in that affair! The more they tried to find a remedy, though, the more the goose held on tight and nipped at the poor prince, so that it seemed like all the prescriptions of Galen, the aphorisms of Hippocrates, and the remedies of Mesua had ganged up against the Posteriora of Aristotle7 to torment the wretched man. But, as fate had it, among the many who came to attempt the trial was Lolla, the younger of the two sisters. As soon as she saw the goose she recognized it and started shouting, ‘Chubbikins, my little chubbikins!’ Hearing the voice of the one who loved it, the goose immediately let go and ran to Lolla’s lap, where it cuddled up to her and kissed her, not worrying that it was trading a prince’s ass for a peasant’s mouth.

  “The prince, who witnessed this marvel, wanted to know what was going on, and after being informed of the neighbors’ prank, he had them whipped in the streets and sent into exile. And then he took Lolla for his wife and the goose, which shat a hundred treasures, as dowry, and he gave Lilla an exceedingly rich husband. And they were thus the most satisfied people in the world, in spite of the neighbors, who, in their attempt to block off the road leading to the riches that Lolla had been sent by the heavens, opened up another one that led to her becoming queen, ultimately realizing that obstacles often work to one’s advantage.”