Face The Music

by Andrea K. Robbins

  I was done with him. What was the point? He obviously didn’t want to hear anything I had to say. I threw the sheets of music at him, not caring that they scattered across the table, and stormed down the hall, clenching my fists so tightly that my fingernails dug into my palms.

  ***

  With Molly napping and Emily at work, the apartment was quiet. Too quiet. Anger, sadness, frustration, and confusion each took turns toying with my mood.

  Scenes from yesterday replayed in my head. Jake pouting because of Chris. Chris pissed off at me because of Jake. What was with these guys?

  Needing a distraction, I went into my room, turned off the lights, and closed the blinds so that the room was almost completely dark. I sprawled out across my bed, stuck in my earbuds, and turned the volume up real loud.

  What was Chris really mad about, anyway? The fact that I was friends with Jake? Or was he ticked off because he thought Jake and I were a thing? As if that was any of his damn business.

  Who did he think he was? I knew he was more exciting, better looking, and much more talented than I’d ever be, but did that gave him the right to look down his nose at the rest of us? Certainly not. Screw him. He could live his glorious life and be perfectly happy, for all I cared. I no longer wanted any part of it. The last thing I needed was a jealous boyfriend, be it Chris or Jake. There was no room in my life for that kind of drama.

  But there was one thing that kept bugging me. That kiss. Why did he run off? What did he have to apologize for?

  Right on cue, a thought came to my mind. What if he had a girlfriend back in Virginia? He never mentioned one, and he certainly left the impression that he was single, but it was possible. There were other girls, Cynthia, for example, who would do anything to be with him, but what if there really was someone else?

  He was quite the catch, after all.

  My stomach flipped at the idea. Surely, she was beautiful, sexy, and also, in some way, talented. Why would he go for anything less?

  Why would he go for someone like me?

  I ripped out the earphones and opened my laptop. In the search bar I typed in: Chris Knots Girlfriend. The computer was slow, and I bit the inside of my lower lip as I waited.

  I squinted at the pictures on the screen. One woman appeared more often than the others. Alicia Jenkins. She looked like the type of girl Chris would go for, not showy like Cynthia, but very pretty in an honest, pure way.

  Everything suddenly became clear. It was the perfect explanation, made too much sense. He was lonely, missing her, and in a moment of weakness he made a mistake and kissed me. That’s what it was to him. A mistake. That’s why he acted so weird afterwards.

  How could I have been so stupid? I’d wondered all along if he was only interested in me because I hadn’t thrown myself at him like most other women. But maybe I was just the entertainment, something to play with while he was away from home.

  Whatever the case, he’d worked me over real good. He made me drop my guard and let him in.

  He made me feel.

  The aching in my chest was only a sharp reminder of why I’d put the walls up in the first place.

  I had to get over my infatuation. I’d warned myself from the start to not get too serious. He and I had become friends, yet still I’d secretly hoped for more. Not anymore. I was done.

  ***

  Easter Sunday came and went. Before Molly woke up, Emily and I stuffed candies into plastic eggs and hid them around the apartment. Neither of us suggested going to the zoo.

  After Molly found and opened her treats, we worked in the kitchen for awhile. We made ham and mashed potatoes with green beans and sourdough rolls. I even baked a carrot cake with cream cheese frosting.

  I was interested to watch the show Monday night. The contestants all traveled home for the holiday weekend, so there wouldn’t be any live performances, but camera crews had been sent to the Stars’ homes to capture clips of their everyday lives. I marveled at the invasion of privacy.

  Even though I convinced myself that I would never be with Chris, I was still curious to see his world. More specifically, I wanted to see her. Emily had the night off, so the two of us, along with Molly, tuned in.

  The first clip was on Melody. They took us to her home town, a suburb just outside of New York City. She lived with her mom and dad in a blue, one-story house at the end of a cul-de-sac. Her parents beamed as they showed off baby pictures.

  “Here she is in the fifth grade, dressed for her starring role as Rapunzel,” her mother said, holding up a photo album. A young Melody was dressed in a long, blonde wig.

  We then followed her to the high school. She was all smiles as she walked into the gymnasium and was greeted by hundreds of classmates, several of them claiming to be her very best friend. It amazed me what fame did to people’s perceptions. I doubted that she had that many best friends before her success on the show.

  The next stop on the tour was rural Virginia. My heart skipped a beat when they showed Chris stepping off the plane. He looked better than when I’d last seen him, more rested, and he seemed happy to be home.

  He hugged his parents. A little girl, his niece, I assumed, jumped into his arms. More people gathered around, hugging him or shaking his hand. They all looked so happy to see him. A perfect family, I thought. A wave of envy flushed through me.

  Then I saw her. Bradley McKnight was talking with Chris’s mom, asking her what she thought of her son’s success. Standing away from the crowd, in a darkened corner, was Alicia. Chris hugged her and gave her a kiss on the cheek. I felt like I’d throw up.

  From the airport, Chris and the crew headed towards his home. “This was my parents’ house,” he explained in the limo as they drove up the drive. “After everyone grew up and moved out, they decided it was too much and bought a condo in town. I couldn’t see it being sold away to some stranger, so I bought it. I hope to someday raise a family of my own here.”

  The camera then flashed to an enormous, three-story house. Both Emily and I gasped. “Holy crap, would you look at that?” she said. “He must be loaded.”

  Large, magnificent oak trees surrounded the house. It had six bedrooms, seven baths, and an enormous kitchen. The laundry room was bigger than my and Emily’s bedrooms put together. It was really something.

  There was a below-ground swimming pool in the backyard. On one end was a diving board, and on the other, a slide. Beyond that, spread an enormous pasture. “In total, there’s about fifty acres,” Chris said. A large shop, a red barn, and several smaller outbuildings dotted the property.

  He then showed us the garage. Inside were a ski boat, an RV, and a shiny red, classic Mustang convertible. He bragged about the car. “I bought this about five years ago. It was nothing more than a pile of rust, but I fixed her up, and now she’s better than new.”

  Bradley McKnight asked Chris if there were any special ladies in his life. Emily gave me a sideways glance, and I held my breath, not wanting to hear the answer that I knew was coming.

  “Well, there is someone,” he admitted with a sly smile.

  I was furious at myself for feeling so attached to him. Even from the start, before anything real had happened between us, I had known better.

  Bradley probed for more information, but Chris only shook his head. “Sorry, she’s very private. It’s sort of complicated.” His dark eyes gazed into the camera, a small smirk twisting on his lips.

  Emily stared at me. “Someone likes you,” she said with a teasing, sing-song voice.

  “He’s not talking about me, Em.”

  “What? That’s crazy. I’ve seen the way he looks at you.”

  I got up and went to bed, not responding to her comment. Chris had his life, and I needed to get one of my own. One that did not revolve around him.

  Chapter 19

  My evening lecture was a complete bore. The professor went on and on about the location of the origin of replication on an E. coli chromosome. I watched the clock the entire time.

/>   After class, I stayed behind to chat with Lauren. “So get this, Chris has a girlfriend. Her name is Alicia.”

  “What? How do you know? Did he say something?”

  I shook my head. “No. I just kind of figured it out.”

  She frowned. “Let’s go get a drink. I’ll buy you a beer, and you can tell me about it.”

  We went to a pub a few blocks from the university. The place was loud and kind of dingy, but the people were friendly. I got a light draft, Lauren, a virgin daiquiri, and we sat on an orange love seat next to a window. “I can’t wait to have this kid,” she complained. “There are so many things I can’t do.”

  “It’ll be worth it,” I said, patting her enormous belly. She looked like she was about to burst. “Think of everything you have to look forward to.”

  She laughed. “Ah, yes. Shitty diapers, midnight feedings…”

  “Unconditional love.”

  She wrinkled her nose and stirred her drink, a quiet smile forming on her lips. “Yeah, that, too. So tell me about this Alicia.”

  I told her what I knew, which didn’t turn out to be a whole lot.

  “That’s it? Just because there’re pictures floating around on the internet doesn’t automatically make them a couple.”

  “I know, but it makes so much sense.” I told her about him kissing me and then running off.

  “That is weird,” she agreed. “But again, that doesn’t mean he’s got a girlfriend. This girl could be anything, a friend, an ex-, you don’t know. Besides, from what I saw at the poker party, he’s only got eyes for one girl. And that would be you, my friend. I’ve been around a lot of scheming, two-timing jerks, and I’m here to tell you that he doesn’t fit that profile. He’s a good guy.”

  “I don’t know.” I sighed and took a drink. “Things are probably better this way, us not getting involved. Did you see the show last night?”

  She shook her head. “No.”

  “You should see his house, Lauren. It’s huge, sits on fifty acres. I don’t have money or connections. Hell, I don’t even have a real family. What could he possibly want from me? I can’t offer him anything.” The truth hurt, but at least my eyes were finally open.

  Lauren groaned. “Oh, give me a break. Don’t tell me you’re going to snub him just because he has a little money. You’re better than that. And, you have plenty to offer.”

  I finished my beer and ordered another round. “No, you don’t get it. It’s not even about the money or the girlfriend, entirely. It’s the life. We’re too different.” Cynthia had been right. That fact alone made me want to vomit up my insides.

  Lauren got up. “I’m going to put a song on the jukebox. When I get back, I want to see you smiling. No more moping, okay?”

  ***

  It was nearly midnight by the time I got home. I had a good buzz on and crashed as soon as my head hit the pillow. When the alarm went off at six, I groaned and rolled over to silence it. I closed my eyes for a just a few more seconds, which turned into several minutes, and I ended up getting to work late.

  Deprived of my morning coffee, I was really dragging by lunchtime. I went to the snack bar for a Diet Coke. Just as I was swallowing, someone knocked over a chair. It slammed against the floor, and the sudden noise filled the room. It scared me, and when I sucked in a breath, soda went down the wrong way. I choked and dropped my cup, spilling my Coke.

  Out of nowhere, Chris was at my side, patting my back. “Are you okay?”

  I nodded and gasped for air, pulling away from him.

  He grabbed a towel from the counter and mopped up the floor.

  “Thanks,” I muttered, wiping my eyes and turning to go back to my room. I didn’t look at him. I didn’t even want to talk to him. I could feel his eyes boring a hole in my back as I walked down the hallway, and it wasn’t long before his footsteps caught up with me.

  “Allie, wait up.” He caught me at my room and followed me in, pulling the door closed behind him.

  I sat at my desk, and he stood in front of it, resting his hands on the edge and leaning down so that his dark eyes were level with mine. “You probably don’t want to hear this, but I’m sorry.”

  I pursed my lips together to keep from saying something I might later regret.

  “Really,” he said. “I never should have said those things. I was rude.” He stood up and turned towards the door as someone ran by. “Whatever you’ve got going on with Jake is your business, not mine. It’s not like I’ve got any kind of claim over you.”

  I snapped. “Dammit, Chris, I am NOT with Jake! I never was. If you would have bothered to ask before getting all pissed off I could have told you that.” I closed my eyes and took a couple of deep breaths to calm down. “Jake and I are just friends.”

  He let out a mocking snort. “Right, Allie. Have you seen the way the guy looks at you?”

  His sarcasm me made me even angrier. “Sure he looks at me, and every other woman who happens to pass by. You think I don’t notice?”

  “Not like with you. You’re different.”

  “Jake and I went out a few times, before I even met you,” I said through clenched teeth. “It didn’t take long for me to see that he was the type of guy you just can’t take too seriously. We don’t date anymore. He wants to, that’s what you heard the other night, but I don’t. I don’t feel that way about him, and if you would have stuck around long enough you would have heard me tell him that.” I looked up to see if he was hearing me.

  He didn’t look convinced. “Did he hurt you?”

  “What?”

  His face reddened, and he looked at the wall over my head. His fists were clenched into tight balls. “That night you two went out. How did you get hurt?”

  “He was doing me a favor.” I told Chris about my double date with Emily and how I had invited Jake to come along, just in case. “It’s a good thing he was there, too. I can’t even think about what would have happened if...” My voice cracked, and I swallowed the knot that was swelling in my throat.

  Chris turned white and fell into a desk. “I wish I had known.”

  “Don’t you see?” I said. “Jake is not the bad guy here.”

  “I still don’t get it,” he said. “You say you’re just friends, but you spent the night together.”

  Sick of the accusations, I stood up and leaned across my desk. “What is your problem? Jake invited himself over and brought some movies. He drank too much and passed out, on-the-couch.” I stressed each individual word. “I don’t know why I have to explain myself to you! Why are you so jealous of him?”

  He held up his hands. “I’m not jealous. Not like you think. If I thought Jake could make you happy, I would be happy for you. But, I’ve seen him around other women, and I know he’s not being faithful. Not to mention, I thought he hurt you.” He paused and looked at the floor. “I was mad at you for not seeing it.”

  “I’m only going to say this one more time.” My voice was grave. “There is no me and Jake. But, even if there were, why would you care?”

  He lifted his eyes to meet mine. “I think you deserve better.” He said it like it should have been obvious.

  “Better? You mean someone more like you?” I almost laughed.

  “Well, yes, actually.”

  We stared at each other, his eyes intent.

  “You seem to have your perfect little life to go home to. Why can’t you just leave me to mine?” I asked.

  A ghost of a smile touched his lips. “You saw the show?”

  “Yeah,” I said coolly, sitting back down in my chair. “You’ve got it good.”

  He took a deep breath. “I do. Well, at least I thought I did. I used to think I had everything.” His eyes darkened. “Turns out it’s just a big, empty house.”

  “What about your someone back in Virginia, Chris?” Angry tears spilled over and ran down my cheeks. “How would she feel about you being here, saying these things to me?”

  “My someone?” he repeated. “Allie, I have
no idea what you’re talking about.”

  “Allow me spell it out for you. Alicia? Does that ring a bell?”

  “Alicia?” His eyebrows pulled down, forming a crease above his nose.

  “You said there was someone,” I said very slowly. “You do remember that much, don’t you? She’s all over the web, pictures of you and her. And yet, you’re here. So, what kind of a guy does that make you?” I pointed a finger at him.

  He was shaking his head. “Alicia is a friend. We’ve known each other since grade school. Our fathers worked together, she’s like a sister. She’s married and has two little kids.”

  “But you said-”

  “I know what I said.” He stood up and walked towards me.

  My head was spinning. I couldn’t take much more. A searing pain shot through my temple, brought on by the stress of this conversation. “I have work to do, Chris. Would you shut the door on your way out?” I grabbed a stack of papers and fanned through them.

  He made no effort to leave. “Don’t you get it?” He flashed me a brilliant smile. “I’m totally into you. I missed you like crazy while I was gone. I tried to get back here sooner, but there were no open flights. I felt just horrible about the way I left things. I called, but your fucking phone....”

  He paused and reached into his pocket. “Here, I brought this for you.” He set a white box on my desk.

  I just looked at it and shook my head. I didn’t want his gifts.

  He continued, “I tried to find you yesterday, but you’d already left, and then you weren’t here yet this morning when I came by. Allison, you are the only one.” He put two palms on my desk and leaned forward. “I couldn’t get you off my mind the entire time I was back home.”

  I picked up a pen and traced circles on a piece of paper as I tried to make sense out of it all. “Why did you run off that night?” I whispered. “After we ate Chinese, you kissed me and then acted like you regretted it.” I couldn’t bring myself to look him in the face.