“Em, do me a favor?” I gave my sister a false smile, knowing she wouldn’t approve of what I was about to ask. “After the show, will you congratulate him for me? I-I don’t feel so well. I’m going to slip out of here, okay?” I held out my backstage pass.
Emily looked from the ticket to my face, her brown eyes clouding. “Allie, no! You can’t do this.” Her fingers wrapped around my arm as if to hold me in place. “You just need…”
She was interrupted when someone in the row behind us screamed, “I love you Chris!”
He beamed, his dark eyes sparkling under the stage lights. “You know, when I first auditioned for the show, I never, in my wildest, dreams thought this was possible.” Images from his audition played on a screen behind him. He was leaning on a stool in a small room, dressed in dark jeans and a black button-down shirt. A guitar was draped over his shoulder, and a small but confident smile tugged at his lips.
“I have to, Em,” I said, pulling my gaze away from the screen. “Look around- don’t you get it? They love him.”
“You love him,” she said through tight lips.
I closed my eyes and sucked a deep breath in through my nose. “It doesn’t matter. I’ll only be in the way. I won’t make him choose.”
Chris’s deep voice resonated throughout the theater. “First, I have to thank my Heavenly Father above.” He pressed a hand to his lips and looked skyward. “I have to thank all my wonderful fans for supporting me, week after week. And of course, my family. Mom, I love you.” I wouldn’t let myself look, but I imagine the camera zoomed in on her sitting in the front row. “And all of my friends, who put up with me each and every day, I couldn’t have done it without you. You were my inspiration.”
You inspire me.
My throat tightened. “Please, Emily! I need you to do this.”
“Fuck, Allie! What about him?” she pointed a long finger towards the stage. “Don’t you think he deserves a say? What do I tell him?”
“Nothing…anything. It doesn’t really matter, not now. He’ll understand it’s for the best. Please.”
Her fingers loosened their grip around my arm. Wasting no time, I seized the opportunity and stood, dropping my backstage pass onto her lap as I squeezed past her. Not caring whose toes I stepped on, I pushed my way out of the row and hurried towards the exit.
Chapter 25
A taxi dropped me off outside the front of my building, but I didn’t go in. It was such a beautiful night. Even through tear-filled eyes I could see the stars shining brightly overhead. The light, warm wind and soft trickling of a nearby brook gave the night a tranquil, subdued tone.
I went to the playground and sat on a swing. As I twisted in circles and let the chain spin me back around, I imagined what life would be like if Chris and I continued our relationship.
I couldn’t leave Em and Molly. That was out of the question. But no way could I ask Chris to stay in Chicago. He would never get the opportunities he would elsewhere. Plus, as part of the top ten, he was contracted to go on a summer tour. That wouldn’t be fair to either of us, being apart for so long.
I hung my head and closed my eyes. It just wouldn’t work. It couldn’t. Not to mention the fact that I would forever be holding him back. He had a career to build, and I would always be in the way of that.
I had been so silly, allowing myself to imagine life differently. My place was here with my sister and niece. Emily needed me, and I couldn’t stand the thought of not being around to watch Molly grow up.
I sat on the swing for a long time, thinking about how pitiful my life was. I had to get over my stupid little crush. That’s all this boiled down to, really. Me taking things with Chris way too seriously, letting it go too far.
Life would go on. I knew that all too well. After losing Gramps, Mom, and Grams, I was still here, after all. For me, life always went on, like it or not.
Footsteps approached in the darkness. I tried to remain still, tried to be invisible as I sat in the shadows on the swing. Whoever was coming would walk right past me and let me sit in misery.
“Allie? Are you out here?” Chris was calling for me.
I tried to compose myself before he got any closer. “What are you doing here?” I asked, somehow sounding completely opposite of what I felt. “You’re skipping out on your party? What will everyone say when the guest of honor is a no show?”
His pace quickened as he approached the swings. “They’ll get over it. Why are you out here?” His voice was so full of concern. “Are you okay? Emily said you weren’t feeling well.”
“I needed some air.” I thought hard to come up with an excuse. I knew I couldn’t be with him, but I certainly didn’t want to hurt him. “All those people, you know? It was just too much. Congratulations, though! I’m thrilled for you.”
He took a step back, ignoring my attempt to change the subject. “You needed air? You didn’t have to come all the way back here to get air. Are you sick?”
“No,” I whispered, squeezing my eyes shut and wishing all this was behind me. I knew what I had to do.
“What’s going on with you? I don’t understand.”
I opened my eyes and looked up into the moonlit shadow of his face. “We have to talk. But not now. You need to get back to your party, back to your life. We can talk later, okay?” I stood up to leave, but he stepped in front of me.
“Allie, you are my life. I don’t want to be anywhere you aren’t. Don’t you get that?”
I did, actually. That was part of the problem.
He took my face in his hands. “If something is wrong, just talk to me. We’ll figure it out. Together. Don’t shut me out.”
I made the mistake of taking a deep breath. His hypnotic scent filled my lungs. Breaking free of his touch, I sat back down on the swing. “You’re amazing. You are, without a doubt, the best thing that has ever happened to me.” My heart sank as I prepared to do what I knew was necessary. “But this won’t work.” I twisted in the swing again. “I’m so sorry. I don’t want to hurt you. I just can’t, I’m not ready for this.”
The chain on the swing reached its tension point and began to circle around the other way. He reached out and grabbed the chains, bringing me to a startling halt. I nearly fell off.
“What? What are you talking about?” His face was inches away from mine, his breath warm on my face. “Are you saying you don’t,” he swallowed, “you don’t want to be with me anymore?” He let go of the chain and collapsed into the swing next to mine.
I tried to explain. “I’m just saying we can’t. I can’t, not now. I need space.”
“Jesus, Allie. Where is this coming from?” His voice was thick and edged with emotion.
“You’re a Superstar now. The Superstar. I don’t want to get in the way of that.” I looked at my feet. “I don’t want to be the one to drag you down.”
“Allie!” he pleaded, but I cut him off.
“I told you I’d stay until the end of the show. It’s over now- the competition. Us. I’m sorry! It’s just too much. I can’t deal with it.” I dug my fists into my temples and squeezed my eyes shut.
“You can’t deal with what?”
“Any of it! The reporters, the uncertainty. The pressure of never being good enough.”
I took a few steps towards the building.
“Allie, wait!”
I turned around one last time. “I’m so sorry. The last thing I wanted was to hurt you, please believe that. Have a great time on your tour, Chris. I genuinely hope you’ll find the happiness you deserve.”
***
I leaned my forehead against the cool glass of my bedroom window. Chris’s dark form still sat on the swing in the park below. “I’m so sorry,” I whispered, unable to bear that I had hurt him. I fell to my knees.
Sometime later, the front door opened. Emily’s heavy footsteps stomped down the hall. She flipped on my light and looked at me miserably. “What the hell was that all about, Allie? What did you do?”
&nb
sp; I sat up and blinked against the bright light. Tears had long since stopped flowing, leaving my eyes dry and irritated. “I did what I had to.”
“Chris came out to find you after you left. I told him you weren’t feeling well. How dare you put me in that position!”
I couldn’t blame her for being mad. I didn’t even try to defend myself.
“He left to go find you, and the whole place went in an uproar. It was total chaos. He came back about an hour ago and looked like he’d been hit by a bus. He told everyone there was some emergency, said he needed to be on the next flight home, and left.” She looked at me for a few long seconds. “What did you do?”
“It was for the best,” I whispered, looking straight ahead at the bare wall.
“Best for who?”
I didn’t answer.
***
I sulked around the apartment the next day, barely getting out of bed. I didn’t even bother to get dressed. What was the point? I had nowhere to be. It seemed like a waste of energy.
Wednesday afternoon Jake came over to say goodbye. I got cleaned up and rode with him to the airport. He hugged me before heading down to the gate.
“Goodbye, Jake,” I choked, my throat tight with emotion.
He held my shoulders and flashed me a crooked grin that didn’t quite reach his eyes. “Hey, don’t cry. It’s not like I’m leaving for good. I’ll only be gone a few short months. I’ll be back before you know it, okay?”
“You better call.”
“Cross my heart.” He made an X-pattern across his chest and turned to go.
I felt as though my whole world walked down that corridor with him. My heart sank lower with each step he took. I watched him stand in the long security line and go through the detectors.
Before I got through the terminal, I heard Chris’s voice. I glanced up at a TV and saw a replay of the finale. A camera zoomed out to reveal him sitting with a reporter. “Tell us,” the interviewer asked, “what was going through your mind at that winning moment?” A clip of Bradley McKnight revealing the results flashed in the background.
He looked rough, and I wondered if he’d gotten much sleep these past few days. I sure hadn’t. The shadow of a beard covered his cheeks, and his normally brilliant eyes were dull. He cleared his throat and slumped in the chair. “I was just lost in the moment. I don’t know that I really had any thoughts.” His voice was weary.
“Surely you must be looking forward to your upcoming tour,” the reporter continued. “You’ll be going to…” She started listing off the various cities where Chris and the others would be appearing.
I didn’t want to stand there and listen to anymore, but my legs were frozen in place, holding me a captive audience.
“I am looking forward to getting away,” Chris admitted. He gave her a grin, but it lacked its normal radiance. My heart ached in my chest.
The reporter continued to ask questions while Chris squirmed. I finally willed my legs to take me away.
I decided that the best way for me to get over Chris was to stay busy. I signed up for a full summer course load and went into the cashier’s office a week later to pay my tuition. Opening my wallet, I pulled out my MasterCard. I hated to put that much on the credit card, but I had no other way to pay. I’d just have to work extra hours over the next couple months. It’s not like I had anything better to do.
The cashier gave me a confused look as she pulled up my account. “It seems that your balance has been taken care of, honey.”
I returned the look of confusion. “What? There must be a mistake. I just registered last week.” I repeated my student number, and she re-opened the account.
She clicked on a few keys and shook her head. “Nope, no mistake. Your account holds a credit of ten thousand dollars.” She scrolled further down the page. “It was paid in cash, last Tuesday.”
“Ten thousand dollars! By who?” I didn’t understand.
She printed a receipt. “Maybe you have a mysterious benefactor. Have a pleasant day.”
I took the receipt and confirmed what she had said- ten thousand dollars credited to the account as of last Tuesday. Impossible.
Only one person came to mind when she suggested a ‘mysterious benefactor’. Chris. But it didn’t make sense. I broke up with him on Monday. The money had been deposited the day after. Why would he be so generous after what I’d done?
I went home that evening and told Emily.
“Who else would have done it? He did just win a million dollars, you know.” She looked at me over her glass of milk. “He’s not exactly hurting for money.”
I put my fork down. “No way. You weren’t there that night, you didn’t see him. He was crushed.” I glanced back down at the receipt. “It has to be a mistake. Someone probably went in to pay their bill and the cashier accidentally credited it to my account. I’m sure they’ll find the error soon.”
Emily shrugged. “Why don’t you call him and ask?”
“Ha! And say what, exactly? ‘Gee, Chris, you probably think I’m the world’s biggest, most cold-hearted bitch ever, but did you happen to give me ten thousand dollars?’ He may be a nice guy, Em, but he’s not a saint.”
Chapter 26
The rest of May passed by quickly, but staying busy didn’t have the desired effect. Instead of getting better, I found myself growing more and more miserable.
Chris was everywhere- on the radio, on TV, in the magazines, even on billboards and buses. I could not escape the image of Chris Knots. Girls wore his t-shirts, and music stores couldn’t keep his single in stock. The only benefit I received from our separation was that the media had followed him. Aside from the occasional article speculating our breakup, no one cared about me anymore.
And so I worked. I completed every assignment well before the due date, tutored the summer school kids at the college, and worked in my advising professor’s lab.
My days were long. I left the apartment around seven each morning and most nights didn’t get home until after dark. It was exhausting.
I wore a happy face during the day, hoping to hide how depressed I really was. Only when nighttime came, in the solitude of my own, quiet room, would I let myself fall apart. I cried every night, and, after falling asleep, would dream about Chris, only to wake up the next morning feeling even more miserable.
I started running. Each morning I got up before dawn and jogged around the city. My muscles burned and quivered and begged for rest, but I pushed myself. In those moments there was no room for Chris. I thought only of the run, only of the physical pain, and each day I made myself go further. Running made me feel as though I had some charge over my life. The control was empowering. It was my only escape.
The weeks passed, and I found myself a changed person. I was unfeeling, almost numb inside. Aside from the front I presented, I never smiled or laughed and rarely spoke unless spoken to. I didn’t go out of my way to be polite and no longer took notice of insignificant details. I was like a machine- get up, run, go to work, go to school, come home, and sleep. Repeat.
Time held no meaning for me. Minutes, hours, even days blurred together, and I sank into a depression that I didn’t want to get out of. Somehow I believed that I deserved everything I’d gotten. I left Chris, the only person who had ever made me truly happy. Worse, I had hurt him. I could see it in his pictures that he was still suffering. I felt as though my depression, my own suffering, was somehow penance for that.
Yet, I didn’t regret my decision. Deep down, I knew what I had done was for the best. He would eventually move on, even if I never did. His career would surpass anyone’s expectations without me there to drag it down. Despite all the pain, I had done the right thing. Any other explanation would have been unbearable.
Paul would call, occasionally, and ask how things were. He’d heard through the grapevine that Chris and I were through, and he wanted to make sure I was okay. When he offered to buy me a ticket to go up for a visit, I told him I appreciated the gesture, but was
really busy with school. The last thing I needed was to jump into another relationship.
***
A couple weeks later, Emily came home from work excited because she had gotten tickets to a White Sox game. They were scheduled to play the much rivaled Minnesota Twins. It was supposed to be a big game, and the stadium was sold out.
“My boss has season tickets, but will be out of town, so she gave them to me!” Emily explained even though I hadn’t asked.
“That’s nice.”
She continued, despite my obvious lack of enthusiasm. “I’ve got three. You and Molly and I can all go.”
I thought hard to come up with an excuse. “Gee, Em. I don’t know. I’m not really into baseball.”
“I don’t care. You’re going.” She gave me a no-nonsense look. Arguing would have been a waste of my time.
It had been a hot week, so as I was getting ready for the game that afternoon I pulled on a pair of short blue-jean cut-offs and a lacy white cami. I pulled my hair through the back of a baseball cap and finished the look with a pair of big, dark sunglasses. They would at least hide the circles under my eyes.
Emily was dressed similarly- black shorts and a grey tank. The neckline of her top was studded with rhinestones. A cap and some sparkly black flip-flops completed her outfit. She looked me up and down. “Check you out! Running looks good on you.”
I shrugged and thought nothing of the compliment. I had noticed my legs were firmer and more muscular, and it felt nice to be strong, but I wasn’t doing it to look good. I ran for the escape.
The stadium buzzed with excitement. Birds sang. Kids laughed. The guy who ripped my ticket was even whistling. It was sickening. But this was Molly’s first baseball game, and she was excited, so I did my best to act happy. After grabbing a couple of hot dogs and a soda, we found our seats.
A group of people from the university were seated in the row in front of us. Charlie, a guy in one of my classes, was among the faces. He was from Minnesota, but rented an apartment near campus. Though cute with his short black hair and blue eyes, he and I didn’t speak much. It wasn’t that we were on bad terms or anything, I just didn’t say much to anyone anymore.
Face The Music Page 24