Face The Music

by Andrea K. Robbins

  “Staying busy, actually. Mostly work.”

  “Work? Show’s over honey, didn’t you get the memo? What could you possibly have to do?” He cocked his head and looked at me curiously.

  “School. I’m taking a full load. And I’m tutoring some summer classes and working in a research lab.”

  “Busy girl.”

  The conversation paused as a pair of fighter jets zoomed by. The roar of their engines was deafening.

  “I caught one of the Superstar concerts,” he said. “In D.C. It was really good. Have you been to one yet?”

  I shook my head. I didn’t want to talk about the Stars.

  Eddie either didn’t get it or didn’t care, because he went on. “A few of us went out for drinks afterward.” He named off a few people, including Cynthia and Chris.

  I cringed.

  “Cynthia is still Cynthia. Snarky, that one! A girl after my own heart.” He smiled reminiscently. “But I always knew Chris was the real talent. I had him pegged from the start.”

  I took my frustrations out on a blade of grass. “He is talented.”

  Eddie watched me for several seconds and then frowned. “Oh, honey. What happened? You two were so cute together. Why did you let him get away?”

  The piece of grass lay before me in a pile of shreds. “I didn’t let him get away. It was too good to be true. He needed room to grow.”

  Eddie gasped. “What? He said that?”

  “Well, no, not exactly.”

  “Because from the way he’s been acting, I just assumed you were the one to break it off.”

  “What do you mean? How has he been acting?” Eddie had sucked me right in. Dammit.

  “He pulls off the new image well, but it’s not the same. I preferred the happier version.”

  I was lost. “New image?”

  “He’s lost his sparkle. Haven’t you noticed? He’s all dark and moody now.” Eddie scratched his head and wrinkled his nose. “I don’t understand. Why did you do it? Weren’t you happy?”

  I pulled another blade of grass and started ripping it apart. “It was the right thing. I did it for him, for his career.”

  “His career? What does that have to do with anything?”

  “He’s better off.”

  Eddie raised his face to the sun and let out a dramatic yawn, patting his mouth in the process. “What gave you that idea?”

  I now had two piles of shreds and was starting on a third. “Mr. Doveland advised me to do it. And he was right. Chris has been very successful.”

  “Chris will be successful no matter what. And Doveland? Oh, Allison, don’t take advice from that old crank. You do know why he went to Chicago in the first place, don’t you?”

  “Of course. For the show.”

  “Ha!” He slapped his leg. “No. A divorce, honey. A long, nasty one, too. I think ole’ Doveland’s a tad bitter.” Eddie’s smile was sad. “Such a waste. What you two had was something special. You didn’t do him any favors by walking away. In fact, I’d say it had the opposite effect.”

  For half a second I imagined he was right. A suffocating pain worked through my chest, but I pushed it down. “No, it was for the best.” I had to believe that, for my own sanity. “Besides, it doesn’t matter now.”

  “Why’s that?”

  “He’s with Cynthia.”

  Eddie laughed hard and stood up to leave. “Oh, my. Open up your eyes, girl!”

  I watched in amazement as he walked away. I knew he was trying to be helpful, but what did he know? He wasn’t there. Maybe Mr. Doveland was a bit resentful, who could blame him? But he was still right. Chris really was better off.

  ***

  Jake saw us off to the airport Monday evening. He squeezed me tightly and kissed me on the cheek. “Take care of yourself. I’ll see you in a few short weeks, okay?”

  I hugged him back, pressing my head against his chest. “Thanks for everything. I’ll miss you.”

  Chapter 28

  Vegas was just what I needed. I had a new sense of self-confidence and was proud of myself for all I had done. All the running had transformed my once soft body into one of strength and endurance. My spirit was lifted, and I spent the rest of the summer working and finishing up my classes. I had done everything I hoped for. Except get over Chris.

  Every now and then Eddie’s words would taint my thoughts.

  You didn’t do him any favors by walking away.

  Surely, he was mistaken. They’d only gone out for a drink, after all. It was entirely possible that Chris was having a bad night. Maybe Cynthia was getting on his nerves. Chris’s moods had nothing to do with me. Not after all this time.

  Yet, he was everywhere, even haunting my dreams. No matter what I tried, listening to music, reading, or watching TV before bed, he was always there, waiting to disturb my sleep. I couldn’t escape. It was maddening.

  Molly woke me up one morning in early August. The floor squeaked as she snuck into my room. I pretended to be asleep when she jumped onto my bed.

  “Happy Birthday, to you! Happy Birthday, to you,” she sang.

  I opened my eyes and gasped. “Oh my goodness, Molly! You scared me!”

  She stopped jumping and laid her head next to mine. “Did I surprise you?”

  “You sure did!” I leaned over and kissed her forehead. “It’s a good thing you reminded me, because I completely forgot!”

  The corners of her mouth pulled down. “You forgot about your birthday?”

  I hadn’t actually forgotten, I just wished everyone else would. Birthdays used to bring our family together, but now that everyone was gone, it was just depressing. I picked up Molly and carried her into the kitchen.

  “Morning!” Emily said cheerfully. “Happy Birthday!” She handed me a large, brown box.

  “You didn’t have to do that.”

  “I didn’t. It came in the mail yesterday. There isn’t a return address, but it’s postmarked from Detroit. You know someone in Michigan?”

  “No,” I said, examining it for myself. Who would send me a package from Detroit?

  I ripped off the clear tape and lifted the folds of the box. Inside was an X-box 360, complete with two controllers and a game. It was the same alien-invasion game Chris and I used to play.

  “Wow,” Emily said. “Who’s it from?”

  A piece of white notebook paper was taped to the game’s case. My hands trembled as I read the short, hand-written message: Memories of better times. May your new year offer you many reasons to celebrate. Happy Birthday, Allison.

  “Chris?” Emily asked.

  I nodded, but didn’t look at her. Why would he send me this?

  “You should call him.”

  “No. I can’t.”

  “Can’t? Or won’t? They’re two very different words.”

  I put the game back in the box and folded it shut. “Just stop! You know why I can’t.”

  “I know why you tell yourself you can’t, but it’s really very easy.” She grabbed my phone, opened up my contact list, and scrolled down to Chris’s name. “See?”

  I about fainted when she pressed the call button.

  It rang once. “Emily!” I grabbed for the phone and ended the call. “Why would you do that?”

  “Why won’t you?” she challenged.

  The phone vibrated in my hand. I nearly dropped it. Emily’s eyes widened. “Go on, answer it,” she urged.

  “It can’t be,” I muttered to myself before looking at the caller id. I breathed a sigh of relief. “It’s Lauren.”

  “Can’t say I didn’t try.”

  “Happy birthday!” Lauren sang. “Got plans tonight?”

  “Thanks, and no. I don’t have a life anymore, remember?”

  “Good! We’re going out. Get your sister, too. Girls’ night. Antonio said he’d stay with the baby. I’m just dying to get out of this house and have an adult conversation.”

  “That’s the best idea I’ve heard in a long time. I haven’t seen you in age
s!” She’d been so busy with the baby, and I with school, that we hadn’t seen much of each other over the summer.

  “Decide where you want to meet and let me know,” she said.

  ***

  I decided on pizza and beer. There was a place on West North Street that was famous for its thin crust and microbrews. Emily and I met Lauren in the parking lot, and the three of us were seated in a corner booth.

  “How’s that baby?” I asked once we got settled and placed our order. “Got any new pictures?”

  “Of course.” She poked a few buttons on her phone and handed it to me.

  “Aw, she’s getting so big. Look at those cheeks!”

  Emily leaned over to look. “I remember when Molly was that size,” she said. “They grow so fast!”

  “I don’t want to talk about kids tonight,” Lauren said, reaching for the phone. “I want to talk about you.” She narrowed her eyes and looked at me. “I bet it’s safe to assume that Emily and I are on the same page.”

  “About what?”

  “You and Chris.”

  I scowled. “No, there is no ‘me and Chris’ anymore. You know that.”

  “And I think you’re completely nuts,” Emily said.

  Lauren raised her glass and clanked it against Emily’s. “See? What’d I tell ya? Same page. It’s like you and I have got some sort of crazy, psychic connection,” she said, pointing two fingers at her own eyes and then towards Emily. We all laughed.

  “He sent her a birthday present,” Emily told her. “An X-box.”

  Lauren looked at me. If she’d been surprised, it sure didn’t show. “Uh-huh. Tell me, what did you think of that?”

  I shoved a big bite of pizza in my mouth and chewed slowly, hoping to delay the conversation, but she just cocked her head and stared at me until I swallowed.

  “You’re not getting out of this, Allison Banks. Answer the question. What’d you think of the present?”

  “It was very nice.”

  She threw a package of crackers at me. “Bullshit! You thought it was nice. How nice. Nice, nice, nice,” she said, waving a finger in the air. “Look who you’re here with, Allie. Don’t play us for stupid, we know you inside and out. Now, the truth this time, please.”

  Emily laughed. “You know, I never knew how much fun you were, Lauren. We should hang out more.”

  “Definitely,” she agreed. “Allie?”

  I thought about what to say. The truth was, I didn’t really know what to think about the present. I tried not to think. “It makes it hard for me to get over him,” I finally said. “It’s like it ripped open a fresh wound, something that had only recently scabbed over.”

  Emily and Lauren exchanged a glance.

  “Do you still have feelings for him?” Lauren asked.

  “I’m trying not to.” I picked up my frosted mug and took a few swallows. “But it’s hard.”

  “I tried to get her to call him this morning,” Emily said. “I even dialed the number for her, but she came unglued and took the phone away from me.”

  “You won’t even call to say thanks?”

  I shrugged.

  “And he gave her ten thousand dollars this spring.”

  Lauren nearly spilled her drink. I shot Emily a sharp look. “We don’t actually know that.”

  “Ten thousand dollars?” Lauren’s eyes were huge. “And you didn’t tell me this because…?”

  “It’s not a big deal,” I said. “It was just some mistake. A clerical error. They’ll figure it out soon, I’m sure of it.”

  “Keep telling yourself that,” Lauren said. She called the waiter over and ordered another round.

  “Do you think he’s happy?” Emily asked Lauren. “Have you seen pictures of him lately?”

  She smacked her lips together. “I have! And no, I don’t think he’s happy at all. He still looks good, of course. I mean, my God, you could paint the man green and make him walk around in a barrel and he’d still look good. But happy, no.”

  Emily laughed. “There’s just something different about him. When he and Allie were together, he always smiled and had some sort of special spark in his eyes. It’s gone now.”

  “He’s not over her,” Lauren said, pointing at me.

  “Hello!” I shouted, tired of being talked about like I wasn’t there. “I’m sitting right here! He looked perfectly fine the last time I saw him.”

  Emily told her about our run-in at the baseball park.

  “He’s probably just exhausted from the tour. Jake said that Sam is,” I reasoned.

  They exchanged another glance.

  “Look. I have my reasons for doing what I did. It was the best thing I could have done. I saved both of us from later complications. He needed to get on with his career, and I need to get on with my life. I really think that the two of you…”

  “Have you?” Lauren asked, interrupting my rant.

  “Have I what?”

  “Gotten on with your life?”

  The question hung in the air as they both waited for me to answer.

  “Yes,” I said.

  “Bullshit,” Emily said, disguising the word as a sneeze.

  “I have! I took a full course load this summer, putting me back on track to graduate in three years. And look at me.” I deepened my voice and flexed my biceps. “I’m a lean, mean, running machine.”

  They both glared at me.

  “She’s hiding from it,” Emily said.

  “Totally,” agreed Lauren.

  I was done arguing. There was no reasoning with these two. I leaned back against the booth and flipped through the beer menu.

  Lauren saw my irritation. “Okay, one more question and then I’ll stop.”

  “What?”

  She kept her voice soft. “At what point did you realize that you didn’t love him anymore?”

  My fingers tightened on the menu.

  Lauren and Emily held their breath as they waited for me to answer.

  “Paul called,” I said, hoping to turn the conversation.

  “Ugh!” Lauren shouted and slammed her palms against the table.

  “Allie!” Emily hit me in the arm. “She didn’t ask about Paul.”

  “No, I didn’t,” Lauren said, giving me a funny look. “I definitely want to hear about it, but answer my question first. When did you stop loving him?”

  The truth hurt. It felt like a thousand, tiny needles were being poked into my skin. “I’ve never stopped,” I whispered. The sadness in my voice was transparent.

  Emily scooted close to me and rested her head on my shoulder. “Aw, Allie!”

  “And you shouldn’t have to,” Lauren said. “I just wanted to hear you say it out loud. Someday you’ll figure it out. You may be old and grey by then, but someday you will.” She dug in her purse and handed me a Kleenex. “Now, about Paul…”

  The conversation turned away from Chris, and I told them about the half dozen or so calls that I’d gotten from Paul since Chris and I separated. “He’s actually been very supportive,” I said.

  They both snorted and shook their heads.

  “Really! He worries about me. He even offered to buy me a ticket up there.”

  Lauren scrunched up her nose. “Don’t tell me you’re considering it. That guy was nothing but bad news. Trust me on this, he’s a scumbag.”

  “Yeah, I agree,” said Emily. “I will personally hunt you down and hurt you if you go.”

  “And she’ll have to beat me to it,” said Lauren.

  The rest of the evening was much less intense. We ate our pizza, drank a few more beers, and called it a night. Lauren hugged me as we left the restaurant. “Sorry for being so hard on you. I just want you to be happy.”

  I hugged her back. “I know. Sometimes I can be a little hard-headed.”

  She laughed. “Sometimes?”

  ***

  The studio offered me a contract for the upcoming season. I accepted the offer and made a resolution to keep my professional life sep
arate from my personal one. After Chris, I had no desire to get involved with any more Stars.

  One Sunday morning I was sitting on the couch reading through my email. “Hey, I got a message from Jake,” I told Emily as she paged through the sale ads. “He gets back in town next week. Can you believe the summer is about over?”

  “No, I can’t. I am not ready for cold weather again.” She went to the kitchen and brought back a magazine. “Here, I got you something. It has an interesting article, page forty. You should read it. Give Molly a kiss for me when she wakes up, okay? I get off at five, so I’ll be home in time for dinner.”

  I finished reading through my emails before picking up the magazine. It was a copy of Entertainment Digest. Emily was a celebrity whore, I decided. People like her were the reason reporters like the ones who used to bother me stayed in business. I flipped to page forty and froze when I saw a huge, glossy picture of Chris.

  A yellow Post-it was stuck to the middle of his forehead. On it Emily had scribbled: I’ll kiss your butt if you think he looks happy

  On it, she’d drawn a little face with squinty eyes and puckered lips.

  I pulled away the note and peered into this face that I once knew so well. The discrepancies were subtle, but they were there. He looked different. Still drop-dead gorgeous, but different, somehow. His expression was hard, and his eyes were tired and empty. Emily and Lauren were right, he didn’t look happy. But that wasn’t necessarily because of me. It had been months.

  I skimmed through the article. He was really doing it, really making a name for himself. His album was scheduled to be out before Christmas, and his first release charted in the top ten and was predicted to go all the way to number one. His Superstardom tour would end in a couple short weeks, and then he would return home to Virginia for a break.

  I closed the magazine and tossed it on the coffee table. Leaning back against the sofa, I closed my eyes and once again felt justified in my actions last spring. He never could have done all this with me around.

  ***

  The rest of the week passed by quickly. I made plans to meet Jake at the airport.

  “Jake!” I yelled as soon as his familiar blonde form came into view. I ran to greet him and threw my arms around his neck. “God, it’s good to see you!”