SEED

by James T heart

  Slowly, with a cautious step backward I had to move from this hold, I place down each foot hearing that crack again that god awful crack. Eyes focused in tune, and I was thinking, lunch? Survival of the fittest, and for he was fit! I am scared, paranoid, lesser in size by a few too many, working was my fear.

  With a nose flared, and a tongue drawn for hunger I sweat the bullets. The bear was the trigger. Getting shot down, I was fixed on motion. This shadow and his dominating figure? My fear was moving through the water, and I was curious Was I? Or was it something else? The bear out of the blue and not in sight Was really not in sight. Enjoying a swim perhaps?

  DEEPER INTO YOUR SUBCONSCIOUS MIND

  WE FIND CONSCIOUS CONTINUE

  VARIABOLIC NIGHTMARE

  *~*~*~

  BODY

  I was here and the moon was there, I am grounded. I notice the clouds on the move, and was the bear? I am losing my mind here! A throw of dirt, arms up for good measure, branches falling on my head. There is no other reason to stay here, in gaze, and for a naked battle, I would surely lose.

  Looking at my nails, I see claws pressed for time, and time to act. Just then, a sound in the woods had me running, running so fast I had to catch my thoughts. When I caught up, I am driven by fear and for that I was my own worst enemy, and that is confirmed!

  Every broken twig, my heart raced careful. Not in path, or known direction, senses guided me to safety. Sense of things, I didn't even think, just ran. I could use a break from these legs of mine, and hope my mind too can rest. I try, and that is all I can do. Dreaming of a better place, a place I quickly hallucinate my reality, a door in view swinging by pendulum, and not by hinge. Difficult as my life is, inviting me in, and scaring me with edge. Taking a chance is all I had. I enter the room for a peace of mind, for I was curious, and welcomed change wondering, when people said Life is not easy.

  I had to work for it, and this was my happy place. That pendulum how unorthodox my mind is. Looking up at the drop ceiling, and once inside with little breathing room, I knew I would need renovations, and how was I going to do this? I get myself out of this mess happy or not, was the motivation driven, and how long was I here? Looking up I see there was once a light, and when I had a switch in mind, it would be a better place. However I engineered this place, practical, theoretical, analytical in design, Pandora made this difficult.

  My approach through the swing; the swing of pendulum closing behind me, surely looking for more emotional scars! Scared with my body in mind, arms crossed a squeeze for hug I say there is more than just me in this world, and I would ask for help.

  At times, this door of mine was shut, and I could not find a way in, and or any help outside. Within those walls, my happy place Box without light, and who do I see now? My loved ones all the time praying for me…? I would ask God for strength? Time would pass, I would get through this quickly, and it all depended on the severity. Healing process? The degree of my bipolar was an algorithm of bad taste…‘Fuck Bipolar!’

  My thoughts race, and they find a way in, sheltered, and agoraphobic I was I end up finding my light?

  Without you, and everyone else, my stress consumes me. I cannot find distraction, and even from the most simple of things this box, was not healthy. Happy at times, however scaled most of the time I was suffering!

  Secure with home, I start panicking and looking for conditioner, and not just for my hair, for my mentality to find, your reality!

  I have to get out, and no longer will I be hearing my screams… no one else hears them… they pray for me?

  I have to compromise my fears, strength prevailed, and I triggered the light.

  Brighter now, and without shadow… I am not standing in a box without light I see my life, and choice! Relieved from fear Jade, you can get through this! Strengthen the reward for challenge, I leave. Chin up, and chest out! Strutting my stuff, and prepared for today! Tomorrow brings?

  What do I do, if I find my truck? I am just a woman and not one with grease on my hands, mechanical aptitude to start. Now, how would that be possible? Sure I could smash the window, with a mess that was fun to clean up, fun! Getting it started, that truck of mine is the concern… The road leaves behind me?

  Constant contradiction, and against the grain with every thought, this is becoming more difficult, with every thought by this variable approach too? I will surely die. My thoughts congest me; my heart suffocates the pump, and being hopeless when I find my truck? This is not me I must snap out of it!

  The sun breaks the horizon; the moon owns the sky for light. Soon enough this night could be over. The battle between another gives me a break, and has me realize? Is this a mistake? Or an understanding!

  Steering to relativity, with no time for brainstorming this cognition of mentality, upwind reality what am I thinking? My mind is fluxed! This is not the time Jade to rhyme, in tune and on time, this time or that time, Stop rambling I say! One more look back, I ran. ~my shadow~

  Before the shot was the…?

  That bear sure did get the best of me! I say over, and over again.

  Calm now, acknowledging the mistake? I find a piece of mind, survived, and that I have! Thinking of what I have, and not what I have left behind. No longer a shadow to fear I think differently out in these woods!

  I race closer to the river, stemmed, and not steamed this time. I reflect differentially and notice the caps of moonlight, and the wind guiding them, in touch with clarity. I am exhausted, and I could use a drink! Either I am looking at life differently, or I have time to talk out loud, and talk to myself. The river bend gave me a second chance, and for that I continue.

  Starting to enjoy this more from the beginning of time, my time was circled. Retrospective analytical truth…? Power word I thought Power hour I dance from a close encounter! A great bird that once upset, and how I couldn't stop flying, and laughing afterwards. I knew, I would see that bird again.

  A smile on my face and a laugh that turned my fear to notice other things, and I see a fat fluffy squirrel, running to safety up a tree, only feet away, curious of me, and I wonder did he fear me?

  I look up at, fat fluffy quickly making the dash. The squirrel stops then, when I thought too soon, and looking back at me. I was sure he seen me as the dominating species, or he sees himself at a safe distance I thought, I remember the Eagle?

  A mouth full of food and, a chomp that gave me an appetite to laugh out loud, and point at that fat little critter, and say, you better be careful, I am top predator you know. The squirrel stares at me like I am nuts. I just kept on walking then, never mind that squirrel, and I move chin up, and chest out.

  No longer soaked by stress, with drip on thy face, I wonder, does the cold have me again? Or do I have Jade again. My thirst next, I could only listen to the river another moment. I couldn't resist, and I end up running for it, I am so thirsty, I yell! The river, might have been confused? I look left, then right, and I didn't care I enjoyed my drink.

  The water quenching my thirst letting go of that awful feeling, from my dry lips to relieve the tension, and enlightening my sense of taste for survival, I may have spoken to soon. I remember the sound, splash ~

  And sexual tension, thinking, focus, focus, I am hungry no need to belly dance just yet.

  Gentle on my feet, and for survival that was once a workout, the cardio that had my mind clear for results, now why did I pass up that opportunity before? On level ground, and brighter days, I say to myself, and exhale. Survival gave my life meaning, and I was more than just' Jade, for I was thirsty!

  With a stand, and once in fear; I look around, exhaling that breeze that went right through me before. I stand taller than I am with angst, taking control of my heater, and now this is understood. My system working harder, to understand I believe the cold water was what I needed. However, trying to make sense of this, I did not question; and I look at the woods before me, and surrounding, to say darkness that once imprisoned me, I see you, and I am Jade!

&nb
sp; Looking up at the sky, and I feel I am moving the clouds with my eyes. The moon is swallowed, and the sun can get its chance. Then, looking at the horizon upriver, I see it is going to be a while, as I reflect time. I eagerly wait. Turning to the moon again, I yell, who is afraid of whom? With my adrenaline anticipating change and this experience has me sizing up life. Who I am, and who I stand for, the words come to me, I am walking with the armor of God, and for now there is light.

  A voice in my head different from my own, says to me, save you and rest, for it is time. This has been enough for one day? Surely I will be fine gaining confidence; I may just sleep, and wake?

  Finding a comfortable place to sleep, I tuck myself in with branches, and touch my face comfortable to see. It still feels like me, I say to myself. My skin smooth, and how lucky I am, with eyes tired under this fallen tree. I dream that I sleep, and I sleep.

  My thoughts now beautiful and not distracted I focus without panic, and this was no wake up call. My eyes grow big, the tears hit my cheek, I am not dreaming?

  I get up and run, through puddles from the river, and a swamp with every other step. Fast I was caressing a slow catch with a good approach. Patience was the key now; I have to pace myself if I want to get home. Save me, and save my feet being marked up from fear. I don't think I can take another stub, me thinks.

  The intelligence of, and the guided voices gave me strength. I would be limping? I move on with prowess, the scent of spirit, and the direction questioning? If I was found, what would they think…?

  Yeti spotted in the woods, and that beast had bloody feet with dirty blonde hair, and dirty it was no question of that. No time to wonder why, that thing from the swamps broke into a pickup! We had to move fast to detain, seems it never had the keys?

  Well that said it, kiss my ass goodbye, I have had better days thinking, and just cause? The mess I am in, and the mess to clean up was my way out. Thinking big was the answer, not Yeti big, let’s not discrete yourself Jade. Why wash? You may just attract one!

  Slowing down? My thirst had my feet distracted from purpose, and I needed water again. I can't get worked up like this, or I will never make it. There is a tree within a few steps, looking like a great place to sit. I catch breath, and save my thirst. The river bend went left, and I continued my best path. The woods thick; everything looked similar. I know my way for that drink if I have to, I say to myself. With a smirk, and a laugh, I say your place, or mine? Oh well then, I guess you win. I am going left to quench my thirst. Watch out fish, I am starving got sushi? The further silly I am, I feel I am not alone out here, and these are His woods, I still prefer home.

  The longest day through the night that I can remember with a hint of moon, and the glimmer of starlight, I feel protected. Seems the sun has a slow start today, or the rays are losing the battle. The wind and the clouds I couldn't help to notice, I laugh.

  A change of thought, and I notice a knocking sound in the distance by the river. Yippee! I run for, and believe someone is there, and that is me. The river that took me so long to run from, believe it or not, this time it was right there. This time, I take a look, left then right, and I see no beaver insight when I arrive. Damn was I thirsty, and the beaver, this is Canada.

  Drinking the water, and splashing my face. No clothes to worry, or wet. I was enjoying this unmarked reward, without the need to wonder, I wander cool.

  In what direction, and what side am I on, and whose side am I on here? Looking upwards seeing the water flow towards me, and by my legs, I am still lost. Moving closer, to a calmer pool, I see my reflection. Virtue thy moment Jade, says the voices in my head. This reflection of mine is much greater than the last one. I take my drink with no fear of shadows, and no drip of tears… what?

  Nevermore, this is starting to get fun, or I am losing my mind out here. Naked under the moonlight, and getting away with it, you are such a naughty girl. I couldn't help to laugh when I say this. My shadow approaching a wrong turn; not my fault… Swamp Vegan? I couldn't resist the laughter with my weird self; I had to continue to find out.

  Thinking dirty was the answer, sneaking quietly by a swamp with my nose plugged, was my imagination. I leave the river flowing, again marvelously, and magnificently quenching, like, ah never mind. I have to continue here! Further along and feeling I left nothing behind. Persistent perseverance by every step I feel I am getting closer to civilization, or I am finding myself. Either way, I feel good!

  Walking closer with a left foot that was cautious and a right to follow ~* securely. I yell stop it Jade! You're killing me.

  My left sunk, and filled my toes with sludge. The right of mine, followed with comfort of course, and direction. My god, I am in a swamp! This isn't bad; this really isn't that bad, with no shoes to submerge, and no price tag to worry. The feeling was disgusting. I caught up with the right, and every step with, and in the right direction, there was no turning back. Trauma was back there, and so was? With a creepy look reflecting mine, reflection cuts and twists at times. I move further, and take one worried look back, realizing submersion.

  Further, deeper, and up to my waist in shit. This was not comfortable, through security, and there was no turning back. I made it here, how I wish I could fly through this!

  One more step, and there was no more. I was treading water like a kid in a pool, learning to swim. There was no way I was putting my head under. The movement of green, and moss like sludge, had a new plantation like stream behind me. Yuk! I was alive, and a part of something here, and I disturbed it. Attacking my sinuses, I feel sick. Believe me, what was inside of me did not look good, but I watched it float on by, and I moved on. Frankly, it seemed to blend right in.

  Moving with a breaststroke, I couldn't shake the eerie feeling that I was being watched. I look with a gazing stare for safety, and I had to be quiet. Something just touched me? Under the weather and underwater again; water again with some monster racing against my thought of death… I flip out! With a naughty mouth, and a wtf was that. Dark and mysterious, was underestimated at this point. A possible return… Not likely. When I look back, my fears greatening, and I see nothing but a past with no point of return. Strangely, I excel.

  It seems a crow spotted me, yapping to tell the entire wild I was caught. I was out in the middle of this pungent, putrid swamp, and Swamp Vegan would now be on his way. Stop thinking Jade, you have to trust me! And for heaven’s sake, don't encourage him. What are the chances Swamp Vegan here has had action like you before? At those very words, I stop my upper class thoughts, what if he can hear them? I must swim faster just in case, should I throw the switch?

  Racing against the time to kill, by his watch I bet his hunger is never late, with his disgusting looks, and by the look of this swamp, bon appetite! My sports car thoughts have fun with me, and I tell myself its ok. Then question them, giving myself a break. The words what is wrong with you, wouldn't you like one? Go ahead, trade in your wagon, no one’s stopping you?

  Reflecting thoughts, I had a rickshaw. Running long hours and sleepless nights, I was busy. Race as fast as I do, with an out of balanced one wheeled rickshaw, and then we race! Manic Rick is the fastest car on the street, with no pills at his feet. Why not settle down, you ask me? I have to attract laughter, I say. And I will say again you don’t strike me as the type, maybe it's my bipolar, and your knowledge of futility. The lack of understanding, and ignorance in this society, I believe I just peed a little. And with another laugh, and a look back from my imaginary friend, I found this priceless, and contagious, by social standard. Well spoken, and no matter how exhausting that race was, distraction was the ignition.

  I see you looking at me Pinky! I know that stub hurt, there was nothing I could do about it, and your brothers led the way! Not to worry, I got you babe!

  Laughing out, loud and swamped, no matter how difficult to laugh, when you're being hunted. From a pull of polarity, I would have to entertain a trip to the North Pole. Uninhibited with words, I couldn't think of anything bett
er to do with my lurking, depressive bad taste, I had to recover, or I would relapse. Next stop happy place!

  You got to be kidding me, I shout! I look ahead, and then around, with not much room to go, fumbling my words walking left, and then right. My God I understand it now. You made me this thing, with this swamp again. Why, would you do this to me? What on earth is the need for another swamp like this? Here we go again; I might just have to hold my breath this time. Jade thinks, she speaks, and is lurking in the deep. Oh please give me a break, and part the swamp!

  Looking at the swamp digest, nowhere to go, and I believe my fears just made it ~

  Deeper!

  Deep breath with my legs tired, I just took a drink and it was more than that. Luckily I am a practicing vegetarian this time. Gross when is this swamp going to end? Then the mocking crow starts again, with its reply. The words were you are surely going to die! I don't trust that bird, and I contest. I spit out the rest of my breakfast and say it can't get any worse than this!

  A bad taste in my mouth with a twisted tongue by lip had me continue no matter how dreadful, and there was no turning back now, no turning back. The bird seems quite angry with me, and I don't know what I did to this poor bird. I see its chronic head suffering, with every yap, almost like a tossed salad. I would too, if I couldn't shut up, bird. Alright Screw this, and screw you scare crow! Do you ever shut up? Can't you see, I am trying to be quiet! I say to the bird and stop with not a word after. I relax, because I know my triggers.

  I notice by curling my toes, I feel quite comfortable. Before my feet were dry blistered, and stubbed and now my feet feel fantastic. I think of pinky, and say oh don't worry little buddy, you will get yours. That was a pretty nice stub for a poor little fellah, who's not strong like the rest. I promise you, when we make it through this, you will get your socks! You know what I am talking about I got you pinky!