The Boy with the Butterfly Mind

by Victoria Williamson

  “It’s fine,” I say. It’s not true, but it’s what Dad wants to hear, so I say it anyway.

  “Are you feeling OK? You’ve been a bit… quiet since you started the medication.”

  “I’m fine,” I lie again.

  “You’d tell me if there was anything wrong though, wouldn’t you? You can stop taking the medication any time you want, you know that, right?”

  “Yeah.”

  I don’t have the energy to tell him the truth.

  “Well, your teacher thinks if you could just concentrate a little more, you’ve got a great shot at winning a place at the science fair in May, isn’t that great?”

  Dad picks up the school leaflet from the floor where I dropped it and tries to get me excited about it.

  I know I should care. Science is my best thing. There’s a one-thousand-pound prize and everything.

  I wish I could feel something.

  I try to smile at Dad, but it comes out more like a shrug.

  “It’s late, you should get some sleep. We’ll talk about it tomorrow, OK?” Dad frowns, but I’m not sure if he’s worried or disappointed.

  “Goodnight son.” Dad tucks me back into bed and turns off the light again.

  When I hear him in the bathroom, I turn my Transformers torch back on and pull Mum’s Christmas card out from under my pillow.

  There’s lots of photos tucked inside, and I go through them slowly, putting the ones of Mum on her own on top of my quilt and dropping the ones that have Chris in them on the floor.

  Mum’s written messages on the back of them, but my mind’s too fuzzy to read them right now. I know what they say though.

  Mum says she loves me and she misses me and she hopes I have a wonderful Christmas with Dad in Scotland.

  The one thing she doesn’t say is ‘I wish you were here’.

  That’s what people are supposed to say on messages from abroad.

  Unless of course they actually like living on a different continent and they’re glad to get away from you.

  I put the photos of Mum inside the book Paige gave me for Christmas and slide it back under my pillow.

  There’s a big lump there now, but it doesn’t matter.

  I’m not going to sleep much tonight anyway.

  I should probably stop taking the medication, but what’s the point? Everything would just go back to the way it was before.

  Except now instead of being a monster who stomps and roars and makes everyone unhappy, I’m almost invisible.

  Maybe if I keep taking the medication then one day soon I’ll disappear completely.

  I’m pretty sure that’s exactly what Elin wanted for Christmas.

  27

  Elin

  It had been five whole months since Jamie turned up on our doorstep and I still hadn’t managed to get rid of him.

  What was worse, after New Year Paul took him back to the doctor and they tried a series of lower medication doses. After a few weeks he came back to life and stopped being the Ghost, but he didn’t go back to being the Monster either. I didn’t know what to call him any more.

  Paul was calling him a ‘trooper’ and Mum kept saying he was ‘really brave for trying so hard’. Even Miss Morrison had been praising his hard work. But I liked this new Jamie Lee even less than the old one. He beat me in the class maths quiz last week, and I was just about ready to strangle him.

  It wasn’t like the medication fixed him exactly – he still had meltdowns over stupid things like football practice being cancelled or finding out I put cheese sticks in his lunchbox. But it was as if he’d slowed down to a speed where he actually had time to think before he did things. He was still disorganised and messy and needed Mum to remind him to do his homework, but he actually got all of his science report done the other day and handed it in on time. Miss Morrison even told him this morning that he should put an entry in for the science fair.

  Jamie was really good at science. His entry might even beat mine.

  It was an awful thought. I had to get chosen to represent our school at the fair in May so I had a shot at winning. That would make Dad proud of me and show him how perfect I could be. Plus I needed that money for the riding lessons I’d been dreaming of. I had to win.

  Jamie would just spend the money on a million packs of chewing gum and the world’s biggest collection of Transformers stickers. I had to make sure he didn’t win. I had to find a way to stop him.

  I turned over the pages of my folder, filled with story after story of the Monster being defeated by the Perfect Princess. If only it was as easy to get rid of Jamie in real life.

  It was a freezing-cold February, and sitting on the bench trying to write my story at break time with my thick gloves on wasn’t easy. There wasn’t anything else to do though – the Monster had ruined my chances of making any friends. Rachel the Troll, Lauren her shadow, and a big group of girls were hanging about by the senior entrance steps talking about starting high school in the autumn. Over on the basketball court some of the sporty girls were playing netball, and there were smaller groups standing around chatting and playing on their phones.

  The only other girl on her own in the whole playground was Paige Munro, and there was no way I was desperate enough to start up a conversation with her.

  I grinned as I read over the last story I’d written. The Princess had turned the Slug and the Monster into statues. She stuck them on posts on either side of the palace gates as a warning to the Troll and her goblin army that they were next.

  The Slug might as well be a statue the way she’s always staring at the Monster, I thought. Paige was standing at the side of the pitch, watching Jamie play football with the other boys who’d made the team. They weren’t happy when he got picked, but they were alright about it after Jamie proved he could actually play. He still got mad when someone broke the rules, but as long as there was a referee and everyone played fair, he was just as good at scoring goals as Steven, the captain.

  Steven had forgiven Jamie for stealing his football and let him hang about with his gang now. They’d even started texting Jamie after school, and last weekend Jamie went round to Darren’s house to play computer games with them. Mum made sure he took his medication a bit later so it wouldn’t wear off so soon, but it wasn’t like it was a magic potion that actually turned Jamie into a normal human being or anything.

  He was driving me crazy. Everyone kept making excuses for him and forgiving him when he blew up, but there was no way I could forgive him for wrecking my chances of getting riding lessons and ruining my birthday party. The last straw came when Miss Morrison moved him to my table today. I couldn’t even escape him in class now. I clutched my pen harder as I wrote down all the bad things that could happen to the Monster in my story, wishing all the anger inside me didn’t make my stomach ache so much.

  I’d been so close to getting rid of him before Christmas, before the medication started working. With all the arguments he caused, Mum and Paul had almost split up. If Jamie had been unmanageable for just a little bit longer then Mum would’ve thrown Paul out and Jamie would’ve had to go with him. There had to be some way for me to turn him back into the Monster, there just had to.

  “Hey Elin, you want to come and hunt for treasure with us?”

  I stuffed my story folder into my bag quickly before scowling up at Jamie. He’d seen Paige standing on her own and had given up his game of football to play with her instead. Now they were crowding round my bench, holding up Jamie’s spy kit magnifying glasses like they were a couple of junior detectives.

  “Grow up and leave me alone,” I sighed. “I’m busy.”

  Paige’s face fell, but Jamie never knew when to quit.

  “Aw, come on Elin, it’ll be fun! Yesterday we found the ring that Miss Finlay lost, and today we’re going to see what we can find in the grass by the car park. I’ve got a spare magnifying glass. Or you can have my best one if you like.”

  It was hard to keep scowling at them when I wanted more t
han anything to have people to talk to. I was good at finding things too. I always knew where to look for Mum’s car keys, and I found the brooch that Gran lost the other week out in the garden. Jamie was right, it did sound like fun, better than freezing to death on the bench anyway.

  The car park was round the side of the school. Maybe no one would notice me talking to Jamie and Paige back there? Maybe if I just spent one break time with them no one would think we were friends, or—

  “Hey, look at the state of those two!” I heard Rachel call, and my heart sank down to the tips of my numb toes. “What are you, Sherlock Freak and his sidekick? Are you going to play detective with your brother and his girlfriend, Elin? Are you in their secret gang now?”

  There was a loud snort of laughter from the other girls sitting on the step. There was no way I could hang around with Jamie and Paige now without getting laughed at too. There was only one way out of this.

  “Shove your magnifying glass up your bum, Jamie Lee, and don’t come near me again!” I snapped at him, loud enough for the girls on the steps to hear. “That goes for you too, Paige Munro. I’m not your friend and I never will be, OK?”

  Paige looked like she was going to cry. Jamie just shrugged and put his spare magnifying glass back in his pocket like it was my loss and not his, and started to walk away.

  He didn’t get far.

  Rachel wasn’t going to let him go without getting a reaction out of him. She didn’t like the fact that he’d found some friends and was fitting in better now.

  “Hey, Freak-Boy!” Rachel hissed, digging her fingers into Jamie’s arm and making him jump. “You set anyone else’s kitchen on fire lately?”

  Jamie tried to ignore her and keep walking, which wasn’t like the old Jamie at all, but Rachel wouldn’t let him go.

  “Hey! I heard you made the football team – what did you do, threaten to burn down the gym teacher’s house if he didn’t let you play?”

  That made Lauren laugh, and the other girls all joined in. Jamie could handle people making fun of him, but he hated being touched by strangers. I could see it was taking every ounce of concentration for him not to blow up.

  “Stop it, Rachel!” Paige said bravely. “Leave him alone.” Her eyes were wide and scared, but she stood up for Jamie anyway, even though she knew she’d end up being the target.

  “Can’t you talk any more, Freak-Boy? Are you too spaced on your drugs? Now that you’re a zombie does your girlfriend have to wipe your bum for you when you go to the loo?”

  Rachel grabbed Paige’s greasy ponytail and gave it a hard tug as a warning to keep her mouth shut in future, and Jamie finally lost it. He whirled round and shoved Rachel hard, pushing her away from Paige.

  “Shut your mouth, Rachel Young, or I’ll belt you so hard your tongue’ll fall out!” he yelled. “Don’t EVER touch Paige again.”

  Rachel might be rubbish at maths, but that didn’t mean she wasn’t smart. She’d seen Miss Morrison standing at the window stapling our Viking display work to the wall. As soon as the Dragon looked out to see what the shouting was about, Rachel toppled over, rolling around on the ground clutching her arm like it was broken.

  “Stop it, Jamie!” she yelled at the top of her voice. “Leave me alone!”

  “What on earth is going on here?” Miss Morrison came charging out of the doors and down the steps. “Jamie Lee! What have I told you about bullying Rachel?”

  “It wasn’t me!” Jamie protested. “It was Rachel! She started it. She was—”

  “I don’t need to hear any more of your stories.” Miss Morrison cut him off and glared at Paige, who’d just opened her mouth to back him up. Paige shut it again quickly. She might be getting a bit braver, but she was still a coward when it came to teachers.

  “Lauren, take Rachel to the office and ask Mrs Baird to look at her arm. Elin, what’s been going on here?” Miss Morrison turned to me to get the true story. My reputation might not be perfect any more because of Jamie, but I was still her favourite. “Has Jamie been bullying Rachel again?”

  Out of the corner of my eye I could see Rachel holding up a fist as she fake-limped away, daring me to tell the truth. Jamie was shaking his head behind the Dragon’s back, begging me not to lie.

  It was obvious what I had to say.

  “Yes Miss Morrison,” I nodded, “it was Jamie’s fault. He started it.”

  I bit my lip and put my head down so I couldn’t see the hurt expression on Jamie’s face. I’d told so many lies about him now that I’d lost count, and I’d never be able to balance them with truths even if I was totally honest for the rest of my life.

  If only I could find a way to turn Jamie back into the Monster, then maybe I wouldn’t feel so bad about hurting him.

  28

  Jamie

  I’ll have to go to Miss Morrison’s ‘lunchtime homework club’ again today because of Elin. It’s a stupid thing to call it, I mean, it’s not homework if we do it in school, is it? It’s OK though cos I need peace and quiet to finish my book report, and it’s easier to think when I’ve got the classroom mostly to myself. Miss Morrison helps me with my spelling and reading at the lunchtime club, so she knows now I’m not a completely stupid waste of space, even if she won’t believe that I’m not a bully and a troublemaker.

  I wish Elin would just stop hating me. When she tells lies about me it hurts worse than all of Rachel’s poking fingers and nasty names put together.

  Elin’s sitting at the lunch table opposite mine right now, watching to see if I’ll have a meltdown because she put another pack of cheese sticks in my lunchbox today. I know I ruined her birthday party, but that was ages ago, and I’ve given her every one of my Transformers stickers and most of my pocket money since then to make up for it.

  Nothing I do seems to help. She still looks at me like I’m a monster.

  I wish there was something I could do to make her like me. If I was rich and had an American Dream Life I could buy her those riding lessons she’s always wanted, but where am I going to get the money for that, huh? I mean, I’d need at least a thousand pounds to…

  Hey!

  I nearly knock over my milkshake in excitement as the best idea ever whizzes into my brain at the speed of light. Miss Morrison told me this morning I was really good at science and I should enter the science fair. If I got picked to represent our school at the Glasgow Science Centre in May, and then I won, I could buy Elin all the riding lessons she wanted! She’d stop hating me, Dad would be really proud, Liz would like me for real instead of just pretending, and we’d be a proper family and live happily ever after!

  In my rush to finish my food and get to the lunchtime club where I’ll have peace and quiet to plan my experiment, I don’t notice I’ve grabbed a cheese stick instead of a fruit straw, and I take a big bite of orange earwax before I can stop myself.

  Argh!

  I spit it out and take a swig of strawberry milkshake to take the taste away. Before I can start getting stressed by the slimy cheese worms wriggling about at the bottom of my lunchbox, Paige fishes them out and hands me a couple of Jammie Dodgers wrapped in an empty crisp packet instead.

  “Here, I like cheese sticks. You can have my biscuits.”

  “Thanks,” I grin. Paige knows all the things that wind me up, and she’s helped me avoid more meltdowns than I can count. My medication’s working properly now that I take a lower dose, and I don’t get tired and fuzzy-headed any more, so I can finally think straight again. No, better than that, in the morning when we do maths and reading it’s like the extra TV channels and static in my brain are a lot quieter and I can focus on what I’m doing. I know I’m not fixed like I’d hoped I’d be, but I don’t feel quite so distracted for a few hours every day, and that makes me happier than I’ve been for years.

  I can start to feel my meds wearing off after lunch though, and that’s when I have to be extra careful not to let Rachel and Lauren wind me up. Paige is helping me with that, in lots of little ways no one el
se would ever think of.

  “Here you go, two Mad Jamie Specials,” I say like I’m a waiter in a restaurant, handing over the sandwiches I made for her last night. Paige loves my peanut butter, jam and whipped cream sandwiches. They’re her best thing.

  I bet Elin would love them too if she’d just try one.

  She looks kind of lonely sitting over there by herself. No one’s talking to her, and she’s reading the label on her juice carton and pretending she doesn’t care, but I think deep down she really does.

  I turn round to tell Paige that maybe tomorrow we should ask Elin to sit with us, but when I see she’s wearing one of my cheese sticks like a moustache I crack up laughing so hard I forget all about it. Rachel’s on lunch duty today and comes over to see what’s going on, and when she’s looking at me, Paige waggles a cheese stick about behind her back till it breaks and falls on the floor. I pretend my milkshake went down the wrong way and I was just choking really loud, and Rachel steps on the cheese stick when she’s walking away and goes stomping about with a big bit of smelly cheese stuck to the bottom of her shoe.

  That makes me smile all afternoon.

  By the time I run home I’m so hungry I could almost eat a cheese mountain, and my head’s buzzing with ideas for my science project.

  “Dad! Dad!” I yell as I race down the hall and go crashing into the kitchen. “You’ll never guess what Miss Morrison said in school today!”

  Elin’s at the kitchen table reading a book. She looks up at me sharply like she’s worried I’m going to tell on her for lying to the teacher and getting me detention.

  “Remember that Junior Science Fair we got the leaflet about?” I tell Dad. “In May at the Glasgow Science Centre? All the schools are being asked for their best entries, and Miss Morrison announced that the judges are coming to our school at the end of this month! I always get top marks in science, so if I work hard I might get picked to represent our school!”