Onwards Flows the River

by Caroline Windsor

  Kate’s courage failed her.

  “I was thinking how much I was looking forward to going to Meeting at Westermouth tomorrow.”

  He grinned. “So, you’ve finally deserted the Anglicans for the Quakers, have you?”

  “Not completely – I’m still a Quanglican in many ways – but if I absolutely had to choose between them, I’d probably go for the Quakers.”

  “So, is it the mystical aspect of Quakerism which appeals to you – or its practical side?”

  She considered for a moment. “Both, I think. I love the idea that it is possible to communicate directly with God without the intervention of a priest – and, for me, it’s mysticism which lies at the very heart of that experience. But if one’s faith isn’t translated into action in one’s personal life, then it seems pretty selfish and meaningless to me.”

  “Well said! I couldn’t have put it better myself.”

  The approval in his eyes gave her a warm glow.

  “I must say, you’re looking extremely well, Kate. Better than I’ve ever seen you in fact.”

  “Thank you.” So, Hannah had been right after all. Why waste a fortune on cosmetics when he preferred the natural look? Why spend a week’s salary on a sexy long dress when he never noticed what anyone was wearing anyway?

  o0o

  Barefooted, Beth picked her solitary way along the shoreline, stopping every now and then to pick up a shell or explore a strand of seaweed. She paused to look over her shoulder at the rest of the party sprawled out upon the sand some distance away. She saw her sister raise her hand and wave. Beth waved back and a flood of happiness overwhelmed her. Here she was, in the place which she loved best in all the world, with the people she loved most. If only, if only, she and Jo could move to Devon and live there permanently. If only she never had to go back to that horrible children’s home ever again. The thought of Enid with her cruel mouth and sneering eyes cast a cloud over her happiness and she pushed the image from her mind. She had a whole week ahead of her in Devon – why spoil it?

  She sat down cross-legged on the sand and stared out to sea. For some time, she remained motionless, hypnotised by the muted roar of the waves.

  Gradually she became aware of a slight shift in her perceptions – the water took on a more vivid shade of blue, the scream of the gulls wheeling overhead pierced the air with a clarity she had not heard before and the evocative seaweed-scented tang of the sea filled her nostrils like a perfume from paradise.

  It was as if her senses had suddenly awoken from a deep sleep and she was experiencing the world for the first time. It felt extraordinary – and she knew exactly what it was. It was the voice of God speaking to her across time and space.

  She did not know how long she sat there, motionless upon the sand but when Aidan’s hand fell upon her shoulder, she felt the aura fade and the world returned to itself once more. She smiled up at him.

  “That was quite extraordinary – I felt...”

  The words refused to come.

  He looked at her thoughtfully. “As if you had suddenly transcended the present and moved out of time?”

  “Yes, that’s it exactly! How did you know?”

  “I’ve experienced it myself a few times – I recognised the look on your face. It happened here once on the beach, like it has to you, and another time when I was alone up on the moors. It happens in Meeting too occasionally.”

  “It’s wonderful. I wish I could feel like that all the time.”

  He laughed. “Then it wouldn’t be special any more and you’d fail to appreciate its significance. That’s the best thing about spiritual experiences; they’re moments out of time, to be treasured and remembered when life seems bleak and dull.”

  Beth nodded. “I do wish you were my brother, Aidan. Jo and I are incredibly close – but I can’t share things like this with her. She doesn’t believe in God. She wouldn’t know what I was talking about.”

  “I wish you were my sister too, Beth.”

  She was silent for a moment, drawing patterns in the sand with her forefinger. “You like Jo, don’t you? I’ve seen the way you look at her.”

  “She’s a very attractive woman,” Aidan said carefully. “Life can’t have been easy for her what with your mother dying so suddenly. I admire the way she’s so determined to put the past behind her and make the most of her life.”

  Beth nodded. “Has she told you how difficult things were when we were growing up – at home I mean?”

  “Not really,” Aidan admitted. “I got the impression that your father wasn’t the easiest of men.”

  “He was a drunk.”

  He saw a tear slide down Beth’s cheek and she bowed her head, her long hair falling forward like a curtain, shielding her face from view.

  “If you need to talk about it, Beth, you know it won’t go any further than me. Solicitors are used to keeping secrets.”

  She nodded. “I just wanted to explain why Jo may not be as friendly towards you as you might like. She doesn’t find it easy to relax in a man’s company.”

  Aidan thought back to some of his earlier attempts at conversation with her older sister. To describe her as prickly would have been something of an understatement. “I did rather get that impression,” he said mildly.

  “It doesn’t mean she doesn’t like you.” Beth scanned his face anxiously. “It’s more that, after what Dad did, she just can’t bring herself to trust a man again.”

  “Was he violent towards your mother?” Aidan enquired gently.

  She nodded. “Mother was such a gentle soul, she could never bring herself to fight back, so Jo took on the role of her protector. And that made it worse for her of course.”

  “So, he hit Jo as well?”

  “More than that,” Beth’s shoulders gave a convulsive heave, “he’d force her to have sex with him. Mum was on so many tablets by that time that she never heard anything. I think she might have guessed what was going on but just tried to pretend it wasn’t happening.”

  For a moment, Aidan was lost for words. He put his arm around Beth’s thin shoulders and drew her close.

  “One night,” Beth shuddered at the memory, “he came into my room. I knew what he intended to do, and I screamed. Jo heard me. She burst into the room and hit him over the head with my hockey stick. She knocked him out cold. By the time he came round, Jo had packed his bags. She told him to get out and never come back. It was the last we ever saw of him.”

  “Were things better once he’d left?” Aidan looked down at the pale face streaked with tears.

  “For a short while, yes. But Mum was too frail to work and she just couldn’t cope. A few months later she took an overdose and died.”

  Aidan found a clean handkerchief in his pocket and gently wiped the tears from her face. Beth gave him a watery smile, relieved to have unburdened herself.

  “Thanks, Aidan. I just wanted you to know why Jo is as she is. Things haven’t been easy for her.”

  “In the circumstances, I think she’s coped extraordinarily well.” Aidan rose and pulled her to her feet. They strolled side by side along the shoreline, bare feet lapped by the incoming tide.

  “Do tell me if there’s anything you’d particularly like to do this Easter while you’re down here – apart from learn to row of course. I haven’t forgotten that.”

  Beth was quiet for a moment, then her eyes lit up.

  “Could I come to Quaker Meeting tomorrow with you and Kate?”

  “Of course you can. You’ve never been before, have you?”

  She shook her head.

  “It will be interesting to see what you make of it. And now,” he put his hand on her shoulder, “I think it’s time for tea.”

  Arm in arm they set off back across the sand to rejoin the others.

  o0o

 
The silence in the meeting house wrapped itself around her like a mantle as soon as she entered the room. Beth followed Kate to a seat in the back row of the two concentric circles of chairs and they sat down. She glanced around, absorbing the atmosphere of the place – so different from a traditional church, and yet, in its own unique way, so similar. Opposite her sat George and Mary Matheson. Mary caught her eye and gave her a warm smile. She smiled back. Aidan, in his role as clerk of the meeting, was still outside in the hallway, greeting people as they came in.

  Beth focused her attention on the table in the centre of the room. Instead of an altar a small vase of wild flowers stood in the middle, a bible on one side, a copy of Quaker Faith and Practice on the other. Beth stared at the flowers until she felt her eyes begin to close and she sank deep into the silence. Dimly she was aware of the doors closing and Aidan seating himself beside her.

  A man stood to speak, his words from the Quaker book Advices and Queries reaching out to her across the silence.

  “7. Be aware of the spirit of God at work in the ordinary activities and experience of your daily life. Spiritual learning continues throughout life, and often in unexpected ways. There is inspiration to be found all around us, in the natural world, in the sciences and arts, in our work and friendships, in our sorrows as well as in our joys. Are you open to new light, from whatever source it may come? Do you approach new ideas with discernment?”

  She allowed the words to sink deep into her consciousness, knowing instinctively that in the silence which followed, their meaning for her and

  their relevance in her own life would be revealed.

  o0o

  “That was amazing!” Beth slid her arm into Aidan’s as the three of them left the meeting house.

  Over her head, Aidan glanced at Kate and they exchanged a smile.

  “Don’t tell me we’ve got another little Quaker convert here!”

  “Don’t tease me!”

  Aidan squeezed her arm. “I didn’t mean to – but if you and Kate both desert the Anglicans for the Quakers, Daniel’s going to find himself in a minority!”

  Kate laughed. “I think he’s strong enough to cope. Anyway, being such a good organist, he’d be wasted on the Quakers. And Hannah likes to keep him company at the Anglicans sometimes.”

  Aidan raised his eyebrows. “I suspect her motives are sexual rather than spiritual.”

  Beth giggled and Kate gave him a mock frown.

  “You’re too hard on her, Aidan. Hannah can’t help it if she lacks your commitment – she’s different to you. And I don’t think a religious instinct is something you can force upon someone – it’s something that everyone develops in their own way and in their own time.”

  “Or not as the case may be.”

  Kate shrugged. “Well, yes, you’re right – some people never do develop one – at least in this life. Maybe their spiritual development begins beyond the grave.”

  Aidan looked at her in surprise. “I’d no idea you thought so much about it.”

  “Losing my parents rather concentrated my mind I’m afraid. When they died, I was worried at first that they’d be eternally damned, what with both of them being atheists and all that. Then I decided that the god I knew couldn’t be as cruel as that. People would go on developing spiritually even once their bodies had died. Call it self-justification if you like, but it’s what I believe.”

  “Your faith is obviously very important to you.”

  He spoke quietly but she saw the respect in his eyes.

  She nodded. “It’s the only important thing really, isn’t it? I mean, once we’re dead, all our worldly ambitions, our possessions, everything, just become irrelevant. So, it’s not what we do, or what we have, but how we live that’s important. Our spiritual progress is the only thing that counts.”

  Beth listened to them in silence. To both Kate and Aidan, it was obvious, conversation on spiritual matters came as naturally as discussion about clothes, food or any other day-to-day matter. It gave her a glimpse into a way of living which she envied deeply. Now that her Quaker housemother, Maggie, had left the home, there was no one with whom she could talk about the things which really mattered to her.

  She glanced up at Aidan. He was listening intently to what Kate was saying, his unusual and distinctive grey-green eyes alive with interest. Beth sighed. Though Jo had said nothing, she had sensed Aidan’s interest in her sister over Christmas and discerned the underlying sexual tension between them.

  Now, however, her brief fantasy of having Aidan as a brother-in-law withered and died. Sexual attraction, she realised, would never be enough for Aidan. Spiritual attraction would be of equal, if not greater, importance – and with her atheist sister, such a relationship would be inconceivable. With Kate on the other hand... Beth looked from Aidan’s weather-beaten face to Kate’s pale one... yes, with Kate, anything might be possible.

  CHAPTER TWELVE

  It was just after two the following Wednesday when Kate drove Sooty over the border from Wiltshire into Hampshire and pulled into a lay-by to eat her lunch. Taking her neatly wrapped packet of ham sandwiches and flask of tea from the back seat, she climbed out of the car and stretched out upon the grass.

  How she had hated leaving the others behind in Devon for the remaining five days of their holiday! The temptation to phone Tim, claiming sickness, or some other excuse, to allow her to stay in Cocklecombe had been almost irresistible. Nevertheless, grateful for the opportunity which he had given her in asking her to be his secretary, she had torn herself away.

  She sighed, scrunched up the greaseproof paper, and stuffed it into her duffel bag. Extracting a small bunch of red grapes, she popped one in her mouth.

  o0o

  The following day she rose early, anxious to get on with any backlog of work which Tim might have dictated over the Easter break. Unlocking his office door, she stepped inside and gasped in dismay. Four piles of files, each with a tape on top, sat in neat rows awaiting her attention. It would take her hours to work her way through them all. Remembering her promise to work late if it proved necessary, she sighed. She’d be lucky if she managed to get any sleep at all in the next week or so.

  “Now don’t panic!” She hadn’t heard Tim’s footsteps on the stairs. “I took advantage of the Easter break to catch up on some dictation, but I won’t be doing any more for a few days so you’ll have plenty of time to get through this lot.”

  “That’s a relief,” Kate admitted. “You’re right – for a moment there I was beginning to panic.”

  “How about a coffee to get us both started? You look as though you could do with some caffeine to get you going.”

  “Good idea!” Kate headed towards the door.

  The morning passed quickly and what with showing patients upstairs to Tim’s consulting room next door and making appointments for several patients who phoned, Kate had only managed to complete one whole tape and half of another by lunchtime.

  “I told you not to worry,” Tim reassured her as he came to see how she was doing. “Just take it slowly and you’ll be fine.”

  “Thanks.” Kate gave him a grateful smile, thankful that she had had the foresight to bring in a packed lunch for herself.

  “I’ll see you later.” He returned to his consulting room to start the afternoon’s list of patients.

  o0o

  Half an hour later Kate came to the end of the second tape and removed it from the machine with relief. With any luck, she should be able to get through a third tape that afternoon, leaving only one to deal with the following day. Her thoughts turned to her friends, still enjoying themselves in the Devon sunshine and she wondered what they were doing at that precise moment.

  Fetching the next pile of files, she dumped them on the floor beside her and inserted the tape into the machine. She pressed the button to rewind the tape and in
serted a sheet of paper into the typewriter. Sliding the earphones onto her head, she pressed the foot pedal. Apart from a faint hum, there was complete silence. Frowning, she pressed the rewind button and tried again. Still nothing. She tried fast-forwarding the tape, stopping at intervals to see if she could pick up the work that he had dictated. The tape was blank.

  o0o

  It was then that the awful truth dawned upon her. In rewinding the tape, she had pressed not one button, but two. Not only had she succeeded in rewinding the tape, she had also completely erased it. How many hours of his painstaking work she had eliminated, she had no means of knowing. One thing, however, was abundantly clear. If Tim was hoping the work would be done by the following day, he was going to have to waste a great deal of time re-dictating it.

  As she sat, numb with horror, she heard his consulting-room door open.

  “Tea?” he said hopefully, sticking his head around the door.

  Kate nodded. “I’ll get it now.”

  “Is something wrong? You look a bit tense.”

  “I’ll tell you in a minute – let me get the tea first.” She hurried past him down the stairs. With any luck a shot of caffeine would give him the energy to re-dictate the work.

  Ten minutes later she carefully placed a brimming cup of strong tea and three chocolate digestive biscuits on the table in front of him.

  His face brightened. “Softening me up, eh?”

  “Something like that,” Kate admitted. “The thing is I seem to have done something rather stupid. Instead of running the third tape back – I seem to have erased it altogether.”

  She gazed at him anxiously, noting the red flush which was creeping up his neck. “I’m so sorry – I know you’ve got quite enough work to do without me making even more for you.”

  Tim took a deep breath. “I have, it’s true, but it’s the sort of mistake every secretary makes at least once in her life. And I don’t think it’s something you would have done deliberately – as some might have done – because you had to cut your Easter holiday short.”