At Home in the Dark

by Joe Hill

  “CeeCee? The . . . what is she, a singer?”

  “Yeah. But she’s more than that. She’s huge. You know that song, ‘Get With You’? That’s her.”

  “I’ll have to take your word for it.”

  “So, yeah. Anyway, we just talked. About how her mom always kept her completely separate from the CeeCee stuff. Like totally sheltered. And how she always felt like she was this distraction, or not even. A burden, or like an old mistake her mom had made. And she told me about how she was home schooled? Like, by teachers who would come to her house. And how she didn’t even live with CeeCee.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I know. It’s weird, right? But I guess she was pretty much raised by this nanny. Like, it was the nanny’s job to live at Maggie’s apartment. And even when CeeCee isn’t on tour or anything she lives someplace else. In a completely different building.”

  “Okay. It sounds like she wasn’t appropriately supervised. This is good.”

  “No. It’s not like that. She said it was to protect her, to keep her safe I guess, even though it always made her feel, like, unwanted or something.”

  “Keep going.”

  “It’s like she was over-supervised. She never hung out with other kids. She said she never had any real friends. It seems like it was always just her and the nanny and her teachers. And books. It seems like she read a million books. Anyway, she was saying how it was her choice to come here, to Ridgely. She said she begged to come, because she was too old for a nanny, but didn’t want to be alone, and how she wanted to experience a regular life, to see what it’s like to be a normal kid. That’s what she said, that she needed to learn how to be normal. Like, to do what normal kids do.”

  She Said . . .

  “I’m telling you,” Katie said. “It’s a really big deal.”

  “I don’t get it. All we did was have sex. Isn’t that what teenagers do?”

  “It’s a violation of the PSL. They can kick you out. Both of you.”

  “You’ve got to be kidding,” Maggie said. “You’re not kidding? I don’t get it. It wasn’t anything bad. It was like in a movie. Or a book. Did you ever read—?”

  “God, weren’t you even listening? Berwin went on and on about the zero tolerance policy. And then an hour later Security totally catches you going at it.”

  “It wasn’t like that,” Maggie said.

  “Were you, like, in the act?”

  “No. I mean, not really. We were . . . we were done. But still, like, cuddling. And the door opened and it was one of the security guys, with a flashlight.”

  “Jesus. Were you naked?”

  “Partly. But he looked away while we got dressed. I really don’t get why it’s such a big deal.”

  “Well, it is. You’re for sure going to be called before the Disciplinary Committee, and trust me, that’s no joke. My brother’s friend got caught with beer a couple of years ago and it was this huge thing. You’ve got to be prepared.”

  “Prepared how? I don’t even—”

  “Just tell me what happened,” Katie said. “I’m on your side.”

  “We just, you know, walked around for a long time, talking,” Maggie said. “He’s really nice. Like, way nicer even than he was when he came by. It was just, I don’t know, normal. Regular. Do you know what I mean?”

  “So, it was regular. And?”

  “And that’s it. It was like we really connected. Like, even though our lives are completely different, like how I’m an only child and grew up super sheltered, and he’s from this big loud family, and he’s the youngest of five, and he went to catholic school, where all his brothers and sisters had gone, but then he had this terrible thing happen—”

  “What terrible thing?”

  “What? Oh, nothing.” Maggie wished she hadn’t said anything.

  “What? Come on.”

  “I shouldn’t have— Forget it.”

  “I can’t forget it. Tell me.”

  “It’s nothing. I really don’t— It was probably private.”

  “Did he say you couldn’t tell anyone?”

  “No. But it wasn’t like that. I mean, it was just us. It’s not really any—”

  “Maggie, just tell me. Whatever it is. I’m trying to help you. Let me be your friend.”

  “God, fine. I was asking why he came here, like why his parents sent him here, when his brothers and sisters all lived at home and went to catholic school. I mean, I get why you came here, how it’s this thing in your family. And I know why I came here. But I keep trying to figure out why normal people send their kids away.”

  “I was right, right? It was it because of that mob thing? I knew it.”

  “No. It was umm . . . Actually, you know what? Forget it. It wasn’t anything.”

  “Maggie, come on.”

  “No, really. I don’t think I should be talking about this.”

  “I won’t tell anyone.”

  “There was a priest in his school who, like, you know, messed with him.”

  “Whoa. Seriously?”

  “Yeah, and I guess it went on for a long time. Like, for years. But the thing that was messed up was that he kept it a secret. Even though he didn’t like it. And he knew it was wrong. But he was just a little kid when it started. And he knew that for his mother it would be like the most terrible thing that could happen. Because I guess she’s super churchy or something. Plus, he said he was afraid his father would kill the guy if he knew. So it was like he was just trying to protect everyone. But no one was protecting him.”

  “Oh my God.”

  “I know. Right? But then, when he was in ninth grade, people somehow found out about it and I guess at first he lied about it, like he was still trying to protect the guy. So then it seemed like he was covering it up, like he wasn’t a victim at all, even though he totally was.”

  “Holy crap.”

  “I know! It made me feel so bad for him. And I guess the whole thing really messed him up for a while, because he ended up taking the rest of that year off from school. And then he came here and started ninth grade over.”

  “Wow.”

  “But he’s not gay. I mean, I told him it would be fine if he is. Obviously. But he’s not. He told me he’s had girlfriends. Like, that girl Brenda?”

  “Oh, shit. I wasn’t even thinking about Brenda.”

  “What about her? They broke up, didn’t they? He said they did. Anyway, listen to this. It was so cute. I asked if he was going to get back together with her and he said no, that he’d met someone he liked better. I was like, yeah? What’s she like? And he goes, she’s cute and funny and she seems really worldly but she’s actually pretty shy. I thought he meant me, but I wasn’t sure. So I asked if she liked him back and he said he didn’t know, so I said he should find out, and he said how. And I said he should try holding her hand.”

  “Adorable. Then what?”

  “He took my hand,” Maggie said, smiling.

  “Right. I figured. After that.”

  “It was so nice out, remember? It was a really beautiful night. I thought it was a full moon, but he said not until tonight. Waxing gibbous, he said. Anyway, it was this huge moon, and it looked like it was really low in the sky. So he said let’s go up to the Tower. The lock on the service door is broken—he thought they might have fixed it over the summer, but they didn’t. So we went up to the roof. It’s the tallest building—”

  “Yeah. I know.”

  ACT 4 He Said . . .

  “Rich, what the hell did you do?”

  “Hey, Susan.”

  “Dad is freaking out.”

  “What did he say?” Rich asked.

  “He wouldn’t tell me what happened. He just said to call you so I can help him figure out what he’s going to say to Mom. What happened?”

  “I umm, violated the PSL. The Policies for Student Life. I think they might kick me out.”

  “You fucking moron. It’s the third day of school. What did you do? How stupid—?�
��

  “I got caught with a girl. After curfew.”

  “They’d kick you out for that? They sound worse than the nuns.”

  “We were, umm . . . we got caught having sex.”

  “Shit, Richie.”

  “And she’s only fifteen.”

  “Well, that at least explains why Dad’s so freaked out. This is going to kill Mom. No way can she handle another sex scandal.”

  “It’s not a sex scandal. Or, I don’t know. I guess maybe it is. Or it could be. It’s technically statutory rape. But Roland didn’t seem too worried about it. ”

  “Rich, Jesus.”

  “I know. I messed up.”

  “Messed up? No. Messed up would be getting caught with weed. This is like you’re a goddamn sexual deviant.”

  He had nothing to say to that.

  “I shouldn’t have said that.”

  “Whatever.”

  “No, really. I’m sorry. It’ll be okay. You’re fine, right? You’ll be okay? We’ll figure this out. Just don’t do anything stupid. Okay? Rich? Promise me.”

  “Yeah, okay.”

  “Okay. I have to call Dad. I’ll call you tonight.”

  She Said . . .

  “Are you up?” Maggie asked. “I wasn’t sure if it was too late to call.”

  “We just got to the hotel. I have to change, and then we’re going to this club that they say is really wild. The car will be here in a few minutes. Tokyo is insane. Did you see the pictures I posted?”

  “Yeah. It looks really cool.”

  “So quick, tell me. How is it there? Your room looks cute.”

  “It’s okay, I guess.”

  “Did classes start yet? I don’t even know what day it is.”

  “Not until Monday.”

  “We fly to Berlin tomorrow. You should see this hotel room, by the way. I’ll take some pictures when I get back.”

  “Okay, yeah. That’ll be great.”

  “So, quick. Tell me everything.”

  “Well, I was wondering, actually. What would happen if, like, if it doesn’t work out here? I mean, if I ummm, if I decide I don’t like it.”

  “What are you talking about? This is what you wanted. Why would you—? Sweetie, you’re probably just homesick. Once classes start, you’ll be busy, and you’ll make lots of friends. That was the point, right?”

  “I know, but I was thinking maybe I could move back home. Like, if this doesn’t work out.”

  “Maggie, that would be impossible. I could never make those arrangements from here. You’re being silly.”

  “Or maybe I could come meet you. And just, you know, be with you, on the tour. That would be educational. And I’ve never been anywhere.

  “Sweetie, no way. Don’t be ridiculous. You have no idea what this is like. I’m working all the time, and it’s nothing but airports and hotels. You would hate it. Listen, I’m getting a call. I have to go. You’ll be fine. I promise. Okay?”

  “You’re right. I was just— I’ll be fine. Have fun tonight.”

  “I love you, Baby. I’ll call you soon.”

  ACT 5

  “Are you ok?” he asked.

  “I didn’t think you’d come,” she said.

  “I came as soon as I saw your text.”

  “It was probably dumb to come back up here,” she said. “It’s almost curfew.”

  “It doesn’t matter,” he said. “The worst thing already happened.”

  “I know. I’m so sorry. I never should have said anything. I thought she was my friend. Katie, I mean. And she said she wouldn’t tell anyone. It was stupid, but I believed her. I never expected that . . . you must hate me.”

  “It’s okay,” he said.

  “It’s not,” she said. “I don’t care what they say about me. Like, someone wrote SLUT on the dry erase board on my door. Umm, hello? Dry erase, get it? And plus, hearing Rod Stewart blasted on every stereo across campus. Fine, whatever. But I heard what those kids were saying to you. The names they were calling you. I just—”

  “It’s really okay,” he said.

  “It’s not okay.”

  “It’s like they can’t decide if I’m a faggot, a pervert or a rapist. I don’t know. Maybe I’m all three.”

  “You’re none of those things. God, I was such an idiot to trust her.”

  “I don’t even know why it was supposed to be such a secret. The thing with Father Joe, I mean. Everyone’s been telling me how it’s nothing to be ashamed of, my parents, my therapist, and then they come up with this story for me to tell about why I left St. Catherine’s, and it’s this giant secret for me to keep. I’m supposed to guard it with my life or something. Like the worst thing would be for people to find out. But the worst thing is that it happened, not that people find out about it.”

  “I shouldn’t have said anything. She acted like she was helping me, like if I didn’t tell her everything it was going to be worse. Then I find out she has a huge mouth and just wanted me to tell her so she could tell everyone else. I’m really sorry.”

  “Don’t be. I’m glad it’s not a secret anymore, the thing with Father Joe. It’s like I finally don’t have a stomach ache anymore, for the first time since I was nine years old.”

  “Wow.”

  “But everything else is my fault. Us getting caught? What I did to you? I never should have even brought you up here. I know the rules, and I know how things work here. I’m really sorry.”

  “Don’t be. I’m not mad at you. This is so dumb. We didn’t do anything wrong. So we broke a stupid rule. So what? No one got hurt.”

  “It’s a pretty big deal, actually.”

  “Do you think they’ll really kick us out?”

  “Probably not you.”

  “I don’t want to stay here if you’re not here. I’m serious. I can’t be here without you. Isn’t there someone we can talk to? That guy Berwin? I’ll tell him I’m fine, that it was my idea.”

  “I talked to my dad’s lawyer today.”

  “A lawyer? Seriously?”

  “He said that there’s this thing called the Romeo and Juliet defense. To a statutory rape charge. Because we’re close in age, even though you are under sixteen. But only if it was consensual.

  “It was. I mean, that’s true.”

  “Are you sure? Because if I hurt you. Or forced you, I would—”

  “Are you kidding? You kept asking me if it was okay. You probably asked me at least ten times if I wanted you to stop.”

  “If you told me to stop, I would have. It’s not like I couldn’t control myself.”

  “I know that. I didn’t want you to stop. I wanted to do it.”

  “It just looks bad, you know? Because of how we just met, and that it was just your third day here.”

  “But it doesn’t feel like that. Not to me. I feel like I’ve known you my whole life. And it’s like you know me better than anyone else. I know it seems crazy but I—”

  “I really like you. A lot.”

  “Me too.”

  “I’ve never felt like this before.”

  “Me neither.”

  “I swear to God. I think I might—”

  “Don’t.”

  “What?”

  “Don’t swear. Just say it. What you were going to say.”

  “Huh? Sorry. You lost me.”

  “You said ‘I swear to God’. I feel like bad things always happen whenever people say ‘I swear’. I know it’s dumb. It’s like I made up my own superstition. ‘O, swear not by the moon.’ Do you know that line?”

  “I don’t— All of a sudden I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

  “It’s a line from a play. Never mind. It just popped into my head.”

  “What play?”

  “Did you read Romeo and Juliet?”

  “Yeah. Well, parts of it.”

  “Parts of it? How do you not finish Romeo and Juliet?”

  “I guess I read as much as I needed to write the paper.”

&nbs
p; “God, I’ve read it like ten times. Anyway, I just keep thinking— Forget it. This is embarrassing.”

  “Come on. Tell me.”

  “Okay, so all day today there is all this bad stuff happening, right? Everyone knows we had sex, we might get kicked out of school, my roommate totally betrayed me and because of my big mouth people are saying all this terrible stuff about you. And I just keep thinking it’s like Romeo and Juliet. Like we’re these star-crossed lovers or something. Like how I was up here looking down from this balcony? And there you were, stepping out of the shadows and looking up at me.”

  “I was afraid someone would see me, coming here. Roland said I shouldn’t even talk to you.”

  “Do you see what I mean? Then there was that thing you said the lawyer said, about the Romeo and Juliet defense? Plus, the moon is full. It just feels like— Never mind. It’s dumb.”

  “What is it—don’t swear by the moon?”

  “ ‘O, swear not by the moon.’ I’m not even sure what it really means, but I think it’s something like don’t make promises about how you feel right now because the moon is always changing, and your feelings might change, too.”

  “Maybe. But they won’t.” He took her hand. “I mean, I get it. Things change. And sometimes stuff happens really fast. Like, we literally just met a couple days ago. And I know we don’t know what’s going to happen. But right now, just you and me? I love you.”

  “I love you, too. Right now. Just you and me.”

  They sat in silence.

  “Can I ask you something?” Rich asked. “What did you mean in your text?”

  “Just that I wanted you to meet me here,” she said.

  “You said I shouldn’t blame myself. And you said goodbye. How come?”

  “I was afraid you wouldn’t come,” said Maggie.

  “Were you—? I was afraid you were going to do something. You know, try to do something,” Rich said.

  “You mean, like, kill myself?”

  “Yeah,” he answered.

  “I don’t know. I was only thinking about seeing you. I figured I would wait fifteen minutes. If you didn’t come I don’t know what I was going to do. It was almost fifteen minutes when I looked down and there you were.”