Deuces Wild Boxed Set: Books 1-4: Beyond the Frontiers, Rampage, Labyrinth, Birthright

by Ell Leigh Clarke

  “Damn Achronyx,” Tabitha muttered. “The bounty increase wasn’t reckless. It was a well-thought-out strategy to rid the planet of its more dangerous assholes and to prevent the chaos of every two-bit punk on the planet coming after me for the quite frankly insulting bounty that was originally put out. Come to think of it, I’m pretty sure I got the idea from you.”

  Bethany Anne’s fingers stopped their tapping. “You are not me, Tabitha. You keep throwing yourself in without being prepared, and you’re going to get killed, or worse.”

  Tabitha snickered. “What’s worse than getting killed?”

  Barnabas caught her attention and indicated Hirotoshi and Ryu. “How about getting one of them killed? Tabitha, just take care of yourself, especially since half your team will be unavailable.”

  Tabitha frowned. “Why?”

  Barnabas pressed his lips together. “I need Jun, Katsu, and Kouki for another task.”

  “We’ll manage.” Tabitha flashed a grin at Bethany Anne and Barnabas and stood to leave. “I can’t promise anything except that I’ll get the job done.” She grabbed her coat and motioned to Hirotoshi and Ryu to follow. “What if the situation calls for something dramatic?”

  Bethany Anne closed her eyes and sighed. “Hire a theater company. You’re there to investigate, and then resolve whatever problem you find—quietly. Think of it as a lesson in subtlety.”

  Tabitha didn’t see how that was going to work since the drama managed to find her wherever she went, but whatever. “Fiiine.”

  Bethany Anne called after her as she swept out of the room, Hirotoshi and Ryu close behind, “And read the damn report. Achronyx will tell me if you don’t.”

  Bethany Anne turned to Barnabas as the door closed behind Ryu. “Remind me of this moment if I ever think of having children.”

  QBS Achronyx, Bridge

  They were about an hour out from their destination. Tabitha was asleep in her captain’s chair with her feet up on the console when Achronyx interrupted.

  “Ranger Tabitha, my report is ready.”

  Tabitha opened her eyes and made a face at the speaker beside her head. “Can it wait? I was getting my beauty sleep.”

  “Ranger Tabitha, the Empress was very clear about this.”

  Tabitha yawned and stretched. “Just give me the damn report already. You know I owe you for snitching to Bethany Anne in the first place. I bet you didn’t tell her why I haven’t been reading them when you were telling tales.”

  Achronyx almost sounded hurt. Almost. “I do not actually know why you refuse to read my reports. I put a lot of effort into them.”

  Tabitha knew that tone. Whatever Achronyx had planned would be embarrassing, that was a certainty. However, she had resolved to pull her shit together for the mission even before the mini-intervention back on the Meredith Reynolds, so she might as well take her medicine without complaining.

  She took her feet down and sat up to look at the screen. “Whatever. Let’s just get this over and done with so I can finish my nap.”

  Achronyx brought his report up onscreen. Tabitha tried to swipe past the first page, which contained a video and nothing else. “This is exactly what I’m talking about, snitch.” Tabitha winced as she watched herself dangling from the gargoyle and pointed at the screen. “How did you even get this? And what’s with the circus music?”

  “Just seemed…appropriate,” Achronyx replied. “The Empress certainly thought so.”

  “You showed it to…” Tabitha buried her face in her hands. “You know what snitches get, right?”

  “Due rewards and the satisfaction of knowing they did the right thing?”

  “Stitches, Achronyx. They get stitches.”

  “I thought you liked snitches?” Hirotoshi asked from the doorway.

  Tabitha spun her chair around. “I like snitches who work for me, not ones who run off telling tales to Bethany Anne. You know she’s not going to just sit on that video.”

  Hirotoshi came onto the bridge and took his chair. “Probably not. So what are you going to do?”

  Tabitha screwed her face up in thought, then shrugged. “Nothing I can do, except give Snitchy McTattletale here his well-deserved stitches. Unless, of course, this video disappears in the next five seconds and he makes it up to me by reading his report out loud.” The video was replaced by the real report. Tabitha sat back, put her feet back in their customary position on the console, and closed her eyes. “Good. Now, what are we heading into?”

  “You were serious?” Achronyx sounded surprised. “Okay, then. The K’nthel system has one planet that supports life, and two satellite—”

  Tabitha waved impatiently. “Yeah, Bethany Anne told us that already. Skip to what I don’t know. Who is our contact there?”

  Achronyx sniffed. “I’m getting to it, Ranger Tabitha. Two satellite stations around the planet, one of which caters to the tourist industry. It is run by a cooperative, which works in conjunction with the Order of Zaphod to maintain the balance between the spiritual needs of the Order and the expenses associated with the running of the planet’s charitable efforts. The other station belongs to the Empress.”

  “We aren’t going there first?”

  “No, and probably not at all unless the situation calls for it. First, you must meet with the Order and pick up your permits, then you are to meet with the cooperative.”

  Tabitha frowned. “They can’t just send the permits?”

  Achronyx paused. “That is not the way things are done there. Unfortunately, the Order believes that the way to spiritual enlightenment is through a lack of technological reliance.”

  Tabitha grimaced. “It’s not… Please, Achronyx, tell me we’re not going to a tech-ban world.”

  “If I did I would be lying. The laws here state I must not be active. I will be in hibernation from the moment we reach the system, so please do not crash the ship. However, the permits will allow you limited access to your personal tech.”

  “Ugh, paperwork!” Tabitha groaned. “Might as well hog-tie me and ask me to walk. How is a hacker supposed to function without tech?”

  Hirotoshi smiled. “It will not be all that bad, Kemosabe.”

  “What do you know?” Tabitha grumped.

  He gave her a look of practiced wisdom. “You are talking to a centuries-old vampire, remember? I was alive long before technology took over from the human brain as our primary thought process. What else, Achronyx?”

  “After you have obtained your tech permits from the Order, you will head out to the station and meet with the cooperative.”

  Tabitha interrupted again. “What species make up this Order?”

  “The Order is diverse, to represent all sections of the population. It is comprised of a human, a Yollin, a Torcellan, a Skaine—”

  “Oh, well, stop right there, Achronyx,” Tabitha announced. “We already have our criminal. Case closed. Let’s go arrest the scumbag Skaine and get our asses home. No visits to tech-ban planets necessary.”

  Hirotoshi sighed.

  Achronyx chose to let her flippancy go unnoticed. “That is not going to work, Ranger Tabitha. The planetary defenses will take out any ship without the relevant permits.”

  Tabitha frowned. “So they enforce the tech ban…with tech?”

  “Yes,” Achronyx confirmed. “Technology provided at the discretion of the Empress, so let’s not get me blown up. I like this body.”

  Tabitha snickered. “Maybe I should refuse. I do owe you a few stitches.”

  K’nthel System, Planet Zaphod, Temple of Zaphod

  Tabitha exited the ship and looked around. They’d landed at the coordinates they had been given on approach—a large open space in a valley just outside the temple complex. The temple had been built at the top of the peak, and smaller buildings dotted the path to the top. Tabitha saw that the other mountains in the area had similar constructions. “What’s that one called?” She pointed at an especially ostentatious building which stood out in the distance.


  “The Temple of Zaphod,” Ryu answered.

  “What about that one?”

  “The Temple of Zaphod.”

  “What about— Wait, they’re all called ‘the Temple of Zaphod?’” She waited for Achronyx to answer and then remembered he would be offline while they were in-system. “Hirotoshi?”

  Hirotoshi didn’t answer. He was gazing around with an expression Tabitha had never seen on his face. “Hirotoshi? You okay?”

  He shook himself and dragged his eyes away from the sloping tiered roof of the main temple. “Yes, I am fine. And yes, all of the temples carry the same name.”

  Tabitha glanced around again. “I wonder who this Zaphod is to get all this?”

  “Zaphod is more a state of being than any one entity,” a voice cut in from their left.

  Tabitha turned to the voice, which belonged to a human in a long, hooded robe. Ooh, do you think this guy shops at the same place as Barnabas?

  Ryu snickered in her mind.

  The monk peered at Tabitha from beneath his cowl. “I assume you are the Empress’ Ranger?”

  Tabitha nodded and flashed her badge. “Ranger Two. You can call me Ranger Two.”

  The human spread his hands wide and smiled beatifically. “Welcome to Zaphod, Ranger. I am Brother Cuthbert, and I’ll be your guide this blessed day.” Cuthbert swept an arm toward the temple. “Shall we?”

  Do not say a single word, Kemosabe. Hirotoshi’s tone held worry.

  Tabitha had no intention of insulting the monk, but there was no fun in telling Mr. Stuffy-pants that. But his name is Cuthbert! How can I leave that alone? Besides, he looks so spaced out on happy-happy joy-joy vibes that he’d probably laugh along anyway.

  Tabitha was actually a little creeped out by the serenity the monk exuded, but she had promised herself she would suck it up for the mission, so she smiled sweetly. “Of course. Thank you, Brother Cuthbert.”

  If I did not know you better, I would think you meant that, Hirotoshi told her.

  If I didn’t know better, I’d think you wanted to join Ryu in his push-ups. I haven’t forgotten them, by the way, Ryu.

  I hadn’t either. It is a shame we won’t have an opportunity to play double or nothing here.

  Tabitha narrowed her eyes at him and set off to follow Cuthbert up the steps carved into the side of the mountain. Oh, there’s always an opportunity to play. We’re just not looking for it at this time.

  Who are you, and what have you done with Tabitha? Ryu demanded straight-faced. Our Lady Kemosabe would never suggest such a sensible course of action.

  “Bite me,” she told Ryu aloud.

  Cuthbert turned back in surprise at the sound of her voice.

  She waved him on. “Sorry, Brother.”

  The monk nodded and continued to lead them up the mountain. When they reached the top of the steps, Brother Cuthbert turned away from the wide stone walkway and chose a thin, well-worn path. He saw Tabitha’s look and pointed out a small door in the side of the temple. “We will avoid the crowds this way.”

  He took them into the temple, which was filled with light and color from the stained-glass windows. Those were evenly spaced, with statues representing the deities of many different races.

  Tabitha noticed a vaguely human-looking statue. “Who is that supposed to be?” The red eyes gave it away, but she had to ask.

  Cuthbert smiled and blushed. “It was made by a visitor from outside the Empire. It is the Empress.”

  Tabitha snickered. “Well, I suggest you don’t let her find out she’s being worshipped as a goddess. She hates all the bowing and scraping enough.”

  Hirotoshi nodded in agreement. “Complete supplication would be a step too far. People should be responsible for their own lives. I would not recommend you encourage this practice.”

  Cuthbert hastily covered the statue, and they continued into the temple. He answered Ryu’s and Hirotoshi’s questions about the Order and their history as he led them through the corridors to a room near the heart of the building. Tabitha walked behind and pretended not to listen. The closer they got to the center, the more concentrated the hum of the crowd in the public area grew.

  “It’s pretty loud out there,” Tabitha remarked. “Isn’t that kind of the opposite of peaceful contemplation?”

  “We work to find a balance between our own needs and the needs of the weary.” Cuthbert pushed open the door and indicated they should enter. “The Order will see you now.”

  Hirotoshi nodded at this. Tabitha shrugged and followed him inside.

  “Peace be with you, Brother Cuthbert. Greetings, Ranger.”

  Tabitha frowned at the oddly unelaborate Torcellan male who stood up to greet them. She only knew he was Torcellan and not just a really pale human by his eyes, since his head was shaved clean and he wore a homespun robe similar to Cuthbert’s. He stopped talking and left the raised plinth where he was sitting on a table with a four-legged Yollin, an Ixtali, and a…

  “Skaine.” Tabitha’s hand went to her—at the moment useless—JD Special.

  “Brother Scroat is among the most enlightened of us all,” Cuthbert chided with a pointed look at her waist. “And we do not commit such base acts as violence here.”

  This Skaine is accepted here. I do not think you should treat him as you usually do, Hirotoshi warned.

  He’s a fucking Skaine. There is only one type, and I’d be willing to bet he’s the source of whatever shady business is going on around here.

  Ryu cut in, I’m not taking that bet.

  Hirotoshi’s eyes were on the Skaine. I accept. He knows you are here, yet he hasn’t run. That alone suggests he has done nothing wrong. Reserve your judgment for now. We have a job to do.

  Again, Hirotoshi, he’s a Skaine. Of course, he’s done something wrong. I just don’t know what it is—yet. I’ll leave it for now, but when I find out, I’m gonna bring the pain to Brother Skaine.

  Scroat appeared to be above such concerns. He had the same serene demeanor as Cuthbert. It was beyond weird to see the caring, slightly absent smile on a Skaine face, but Tabitha wasn’t going to be fooled by that act.

  The Torcellan waved them forward. “Welcome, Ranger. I am Brother Silan, and we are glad to have you here.”

  Hirotoshi and Ryu followed Tabitha over to the table and placed themselves at her back after she took the seat Silan offered while he introduced the others. Let’s poke the nest a little, see what scurries out.

  You may want to obtain the permits first, Hirotoshi told her. Leaving the system without them would be difficult.

  No pissing them off before I can shoot my way out. Got it.

  Tabitha held the small sphere Silan had given her up to examine it and looked at the assembled monks. She had answered their questions and filled in their paperwork— on actual paper— and now she had the means to circumvent the planet’s tech restrictions in her hand. “Interesting. So I just keep this activated and the dampening field is disabled for my weapons and EI?”

  A ripple of murmured dismay went through the Order.

  Silan shook his head. “Ranger, we apologize, but we were unaware you had brought an artificial entity along with you. Such technology is illegal on this planet.”

  “How do you get anything done without computers?” Tabitha asked incredulously.

  “We have computers,” Silan corrected, “but we operate them ourselves.”

  Tabitha thought that was just make-work, but she wasn’t there to judge. Not about their hang-ups, anyway. Discrimination was another matter, though. “And you have no problems with excluding digital beings? They are people too, you know.”

  Silan frowned as though she’d said something ridiculous. “Of course they aren’t people. They are a mockery of life, and as such are not tolerated here.”

  Tabitha raised an eyebrow but bit back her initial reply. Bethany Anne would hear about this. “Okaaay, then. No EI on-planet; got you. My weapons are good though, right?”

  Silan look
ed around the others, who each did a variation on a shrug. “As long as you can prove you had cause if you use them, there will be no penalty.”

  By-the-book stinks sometimes. I want you two to know that. She shrugged. “So, what’s the problem? My Empress didn’t give me much to go on.” She gave the monks her most winning smile and noted their reactions.

  The Torcellan was genuinely confused. “Why so? We sent a detailed communication in the last window requesting her aid as per our agreement.”

  Tabitha shook her head. “Um, the Empress didn’t receive her scheduled communication, which is why I am here. Why don’t you run me through what’s been going on?”

  Watch our human, Hirotoshi told Tabitha and Ryu.

  I see him, Ryu responded.

  Cuthbert’s slight squirm in his seat told Tabitha plenty. She watched him from the corner of her eye while Silan talked. I’d be squirmy too if I had to play nice with a Skaine. The guy’s probably worried he’s going to be eaten or something. In fact, look. They’re all a little off with him.

  “We are not exactly sure.” Silan’s face was drawn. “Our liaison has reported a strike among the workers. It has us worried. The station is the Order’s main source of income, and we rely on that income to carry out our mandate.”

  Tabitha frowned. “What mandate?”

  The Yollin nodded, her mandibles clicking rapidly in her passion. “Our mandate is to provide a haven for anyone in need. We take in the sick, the dispossessed, and the unwanted. We give them a home and a new life.”

  Tabitha nodded. “It’s good work. I knew Bethany Anne had sent people here, but I had no idea of the scale you’re operating at. I have to tell you, I’m impressed.”

  Scroat spoke for the first time. “Yes, Ranger. Zaphod has long been a port in the storm of life. Many find their way here for reasons other than war, and we offer sanctuary to them all. However, this does not come cheaply. We have a whole planet of the needy, the tired, and the broken to tend to. Without the profit the station brings, those people will suffer. You have to resolve this, Ranger. For them.”